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AMA

I’m a white woman who married a Muslim man AMA?

152 replies

Vielendanke · 02/09/2022 14:57

As the title says, I’m a white British lady who married a Muslim man, an Asian Muslim man no less. I realise it’s not that uncommon these days but whenever the topic comes up with new people I meet, say at work, or through friends etc people always seem to have a 10001 questions, some that they are quite timid to ask.

so it’s made me think that maybe people have questions on this sort of thing, and some they maybe don’t feel comfortable asking face to face to someone they ‘know’…. Enter MN

Ama and I’ll answer honestly, the good the bad and the ugly

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Vielendanke · 02/09/2022 18:43

Chaiandkaafee · 02/09/2022 18:39

an insular community? To suggest anything else is a lie?! Your experience as a white women with one family makes you an expert on Pakistani families does it?!

I think you’re getting a bit unduly triggered, I said my husbands community is insular, they are. That’s not the entire British Pakistani community, but his family and extended family are quite insular, keep themselves to themselves, and stick to their own in terms of not really socialising with any outsiders, just people from the village back home who have moved over here.

that’s obviously not representative of all Pakistanis or all of his caste or even people from his region back home, just his larger family network. It’s very different to my Other Pakistani friends and their families but it is what it is

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Vielendanke · 02/09/2022 18:43

Bubblyinblanch · 02/09/2022 18:34

Do you have a job?

Yes

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Chaiandkaafee · 02/09/2022 18:50

Don’t try and backtrack now. By writing about about your husbands insular community - what do you think others on this thread will assume? What picture would that conjure in their minds that are already battling unconscious bias and prejudice due to the way Muslims are portrayed in mainstream media etc. if you had started a thread about your conversion to Islam, I’d have understood. This just seems like a thread where you thought you could slag off your in laws and pass it off as expertise. Not very Muslim at all!

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Vielendanke · 02/09/2022 18:58

Chaiandkaafee · 02/09/2022 18:50

Don’t try and backtrack now. By writing about about your husbands insular community - what do you think others on this thread will assume? What picture would that conjure in their minds that are already battling unconscious bias and prejudice due to the way Muslims are portrayed in mainstream media etc. if you had started a thread about your conversion to Islam, I’d have understood. This just seems like a thread where you thought you could slag off your in laws and pass it off as expertise. Not very Muslim at all!

That’s not backtracking it’s stating that his local community which is comprised of extended family and the village back home are quite insular. It is what it is. Those groups obviously aren’t the minority but they do exist.

ive not actually slagged them off, just said that they don’t really accept outsiders. I’ve also never said I’m an expert of Pakistani relations or communities.

if I wanted to slag them off, I’d have started an aibu along the lines of ‘I hate my in laws aibu’. The fact is, people finding out I’m married to a Pakistani guy DO have a lot of questions, this is even from other Pakistanis or Muslims in general and that was the purpose of the thread. Perhaps I should have prefaced it saying, this is not representative of all Pakistanis or Muslims but I thought people would be know that this is an AMA just it’s just MY experience

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orbitalcrisis · 02/09/2022 18:59

Why do you mention that you are white but not if your husband is? There are white Muslims and white Asians so there are also white Asian Muslims.

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Idunnowhyibother · 02/09/2022 19:01

Chaiandkaafee · 02/09/2022 18:50

Don’t try and backtrack now. By writing about about your husbands insular community - what do you think others on this thread will assume? What picture would that conjure in their minds that are already battling unconscious bias and prejudice due to the way Muslims are portrayed in mainstream media etc. if you had started a thread about your conversion to Islam, I’d have understood. This just seems like a thread where you thought you could slag off your in laws and pass it off as expertise. Not very Muslim at all!

You are being argumentative and doing yourself no favours. You are deliberately misunderstanding the OP and the nature of this thread so why don't you toddle off?

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Vielendanke · 02/09/2022 19:04

orbitalcrisis · 02/09/2022 18:59

Why do you mention that you are white but not if your husband is? There are white Muslims and white Asians so there are also white Asian Muslims.

Ive said his Pakistani?

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JustTheOneSwan · 02/09/2022 19:05

Although I agree with @BillBenWeed you don't strike me as our of your depth @Vielendanke
I think some posters are determined to be offended and my experience of British Pakistani community tallies with what you've said.
Disclaimer - I don't have experience of the entire community just a few hundred.

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orbitalcrisis · 02/09/2022 19:07

I haven't read the whole thread it was 4 pages by the time I got here. I just found your original post odd as you had specified your colour but not his.

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Vielendanke · 02/09/2022 19:10

orbitalcrisis · 02/09/2022 19:07

I haven't read the whole thread it was 4 pages by the time I got here. I just found your original post odd as you had specified your colour but not his.

Do you mean the title because the OP I said he’s Pakistani didn’t I?

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orbitalcrisis · 02/09/2022 19:14

No, you just said he was Asian hence my question. Pakistan has a very small European descent population so it would have been more obvious.

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Vielendanke · 02/09/2022 19:19

JustTheOneSwan · 02/09/2022 19:05

Although I agree with @BillBenWeed you don't strike me as our of your depth @Vielendanke
I think some posters are determined to be offended and my experience of British Pakistani community tallies with what you've said.
Disclaimer - I don't have experience of the entire community just a few hundred.

To an extent I understand the defensiveness as the larger Asian Muslims population always get a bashing, particularly Pakistanis in the media. They even do from (in my experience) the revert community, with people saying oh I wouldn’t marry a Pakistani, I only want to marry an Arab etc. I’ve even anti pakistani sentiment from certain Arabs ive met (again not representative of all Arabs) but I guess what I’m saying is at points the wider Pakistani community must feel pretty cheesed off with people slagging them off. That being said, that wasn’t the spirit of the thread

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Vielendanke · 02/09/2022 19:19

orbitalcrisis · 02/09/2022 19:14

No, you just said he was Asian hence my question. Pakistan has a very small European descent population so it would have been more obvious.

My bad, I definitely meant to say he’s Pakistani

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OperaStation · 02/09/2022 19:21

Vielendanke · 02/09/2022 15:15

He doesn’t know but I can see that it’s been bred into him and unfortunately it’s something I see in a lot of my friends that have married Asian/ Muslim men

So, what is the attraction?

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Vielendanke · 02/09/2022 19:32

OperaStation · 02/09/2022 19:21

So, what is the attraction?

Oh I meant he doesn’t no not know, god I’m a pleb. He doesn’t treat me as lesser but he comes from a family where historically ie parents generation a conscious decision was made not to educate women (not through financial reasons).

he does a lot around the house, not the best cook though but he can manage

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Chaiandkaafee · 02/09/2022 19:33

@Idunnowhyibother no I am not. Gaslighting me to go away so you can all have a good ole slagging off session won’t work either. OP has very quickly backtracked from judging an entire mass of people who follow one religion to conveniently trying to now write about just one family and their mates. In doing so, she has discredited herself.

@BillBenWeed i do agree with what you’ve said. I’ve seen that a few times too.

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Vielendanke · 02/09/2022 19:37

Chaiandkaafee · 02/09/2022 19:33

@Idunnowhyibother no I am not. Gaslighting me to go away so you can all have a good ole slagging off session won’t work either. OP has very quickly backtracked from judging an entire mass of people who follow one religion to conveniently trying to now write about just one family and their mates. In doing so, she has discredited herself.

@BillBenWeed i do agree with what you’ve said. I’ve seen that a few times too.

look, I never said this is the entire Pakistani community that’s what you’ve inferred. Surely you can’t deny that some Pakistani communities are quite insular, DH is from one of those quite notorious communities. I have not backtracked I have further explained what I meant as it was being interpreted in a different way than I intended.

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1000yellowdaisies · 02/09/2022 19:43

This thread made me roll my eyes. Why start it? I'm white, husband is Muslim from North Africa. Its not that unusual. This is just throwing up a load of questions with stereotypical assumptions.

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Vielendanke · 02/09/2022 19:50

1000yellowdaisies · 02/09/2022 19:43

This thread made me roll my eyes. Why start it? I'm white, husband is Muslim from North Africa. Its not that unusual. This is just throwing up a load of questions with stereotypical assumptions.

It’s not that unusual like I said in my OP, but I started a new job a few weeks ago and over the last few days have been talking more personally to my new colleagues and after having mentioned DH, I had so so so many questions, all of which rather personal about our marriage, how we met, how we function etc. I’ve had this in other jobs and generally meeting new people so it’s clear a lot of people have a lot of questions around mixed cultural marriages such as mine.

i always get asked about religion, always, how our families took to each other etc there’s always someone who knew someone who’s family (on either side) didn’t accept the other, food, kids those are the biggies.

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Chaiandkaafee · 02/09/2022 19:50

OP - your thread title suggests otherwise and the way you’ve answered questions earlier on, does not suggest this. To say I’m married to a Muslim man AMA is a fully loaded statement!

However , I’m clearly spoiling your chance to glorify your experiences and further perpetuate the racist opinions a lot of people hold of Pakistani men. So I won’t comment on this thread anymore.

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Vielendanke · 02/09/2022 19:51

^ also hoping can challenge some of those assumptions

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Vielendanke · 02/09/2022 19:57

Chaiandkaafee · 02/09/2022 19:50

OP - your thread title suggests otherwise and the way you’ve answered questions earlier on, does not suggest this. To say I’m married to a Muslim man AMA is a fully loaded statement!

However , I’m clearly spoiling your chance to glorify your experiences and further perpetuate the racist opinions a lot of people hold of Pakistani men. So I won’t comment on this thread anymore.

Look the way I’ve answered the questions upthread is the truth, it sucks because it’s just shit but it is the truth, I didn’t think it would need a disclaimer that all Muslims/ Asians/ Pakistanis aren’t like it because i (maybe wrongly) assumed it’s common sense that we all don’t think my experience with my IL is the same as yours or anyone else’s.

people DID oppose our marriage, DH was warned and threatened and stopped in the street, his mum did try and talk him out of it and people did talk crap. Someone asked if his family accepted me and I said the truth of my situation, I didn’t claim this is the norm

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Ihaveanoldiphone · 02/09/2022 20:08

Are you aware of your white privilege in the community, that you might feel like an outsider but if you actually look at how born Pakistani Muslim women are treated by their in laws and husbands, you are actually being treated better generally. The Asian mother in laws see all daughter in laws as outsiders unless they’ve actually picked you themselves and you’re actually closely related and even then you’d be lucky if they like you.

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Vielendanke · 02/09/2022 20:24

Ihaveanoldiphone · 02/09/2022 20:08

Are you aware of your white privilege in the community, that you might feel like an outsider but if you actually look at how born Pakistani Muslim women are treated by their in laws and husbands, you are actually being treated better generally. The Asian mother in laws see all daughter in laws as outsiders unless they’ve actually picked you themselves and you’re actually closely related and even then you’d be lucky if they like you.

To be clear on my IL, their preferences is absolutely for their sons to marry a relative or at least someone of their parents choosing but they at least from what I’ve seen treat their daughter in laws poorly, or like servants or some of the other awful tales you hear, they treat them (or at least seem to) like surrogate daughters. Of course I could be wrong and what I’ve seen could be all for sure and a mere snippet.

i do think that they would also treat another Pakistani woman, someone not of their choosing as an outsider also, perhaps not to the same extent due to language.

but I’m aware of my privilege 2 fold, that DH married out of pure choice, something not afforded to some and also by being white, they are more accommodating of me than they would be of someone of a darker/ deeper complexion. Im aware that their feelings about me aren’t racism as to be white in the UK is to be the dominant and more ‘powerful’ group and to be fair in the in the Asian communIty is still pretty revered, but I would say I’ve encountered race based prejudice

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Vielendanke · 02/09/2022 20:25

^ they don’t treat DIL poorly, stupid phone

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