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AMA

I’m a white woman who married a Muslim man AMA?

152 replies

Vielendanke · 02/09/2022 14:57

As the title says, I’m a white British lady who married a Muslim man, an Asian Muslim man no less. I realise it’s not that uncommon these days but whenever the topic comes up with new people I meet, say at work, or through friends etc people always seem to have a 10001 questions, some that they are quite timid to ask.

so it’s made me think that maybe people have questions on this sort of thing, and some they maybe don’t feel comfortable asking face to face to someone they ‘know’…. Enter MN

Ama and I’ll answer honestly, the good the bad and the ugly

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MistressIggi · 02/09/2022 20:35

I think some posters are very unfamiliar with the "Ask me anything" concept.
OP, you say you were a Muslim before you met your dh, can I ask what happened along the way that moved you from C of E to Islam?

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mrsrobin · 02/09/2022 20:40

I am on page 4 of this and can't believe how argumentative some of you folk are. I was genuinely interested to see what I might learn from the OP (thanks for the thread anyway) but am very surprised the way the thread went.

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Vielendanke · 02/09/2022 20:41

mrsrobin · 02/09/2022 20:40

I am on page 4 of this and can't believe how argumentative some of you folk are. I was genuinely interested to see what I might learn from the OP (thanks for the thread anyway) but am very surprised the way the thread went.

That’s the spirit in which I intended it so it’s kinda shit it’s been interpreted otherwise

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Vielendanke · 02/09/2022 20:45

MistressIggi · 02/09/2022 20:35

I think some posters are very unfamiliar with the "Ask me anything" concept.
OP, you say you were a Muslim before you met your dh, can I ask what happened along the way that moved you from C of E to Islam?

It’s just how I was raised very loosely though, very rare church goers.

probably sounds silly to some but I used to watch debate shows, like the big questions and it got me thinking, there were a few progressive Muslim women on some of the panels, I think Myriam cerah was one and I found what she was saying really interesting so looked into it more and found I really identified with what I was reading. I found the whole intellectual history of Islam fascinating and much obscured. That’s not to say there aren’t prominent Christian scholars

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LondonWolf · 02/09/2022 20:45

mrsrobin · 02/09/2022 20:40

I am on page 4 of this and can't believe how argumentative some of you folk are. I was genuinely interested to see what I might learn from the OP (thanks for the thread anyway) but am very surprised the way the thread went.

Seems like OP isn't actually allowed to talk about her "lived experience" of being married to a Muslim man unless it is wholly positive, anything negative or difficult must be hidden/downplayed. Feel quite sorry for her actually.

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Lazycatx · 02/09/2022 21:00

Do you live with your in laws? Are you expected to make Pakistani food?

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Vielendanke · 02/09/2022 21:09

Lazycatx · 02/09/2022 21:00

Do you live with your in laws? Are you expected to make Pakistani food?

No I don’t live with them, we own our own home about half an hr away. MIL did want me to move in though.

expected to? By hubby? No. I’ve learned to make a few Asian dishes though since we got married

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TheNinthLock · 02/09/2022 21:38

I’m finding this thread extremely interesting thank you ( or vielen dank!) vielendanke

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CPL593H · 02/09/2022 21:57

Vielendanke · 02/09/2022 18:43

I think you’re getting a bit unduly triggered, I said my husbands community is insular, they are. That’s not the entire British Pakistani community, but his family and extended family are quite insular, keep themselves to themselves, and stick to their own in terms of not really socialising with any outsiders, just people from the village back home who have moved over here.

that’s obviously not representative of all Pakistanis or all of his caste or even people from his region back home, just his larger family network. It’s very different to my Other Pakistani friends and their families but it is what it is

I know that is exists in Pakistan, but do you not think that caste is incompatible with Islam?

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Vielendanke · 02/09/2022 22:03

CPL593H · 02/09/2022 21:57

I know that is exists in Pakistan, but do you not think that caste is incompatible with Islam?

I’m not too familiar with the caste system as it’s actually not something DHs family really pay much attention to, although I know some families are very mindful of it. As far as I know, from a pure Islamic standpoint, tribalism, castes and any sort of hierarchy in that sense, including racism are prohibited

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Glitteratitar · 02/09/2022 23:10

mrsrobin · 02/09/2022 20:40

I am on page 4 of this and can't believe how argumentative some of you folk are. I was genuinely interested to see what I might learn from the OP (thanks for the thread anyway) but am very surprised the way the thread went.

My husband is white English. Imagine if I started a thread saying “I’m married to a European, ask me anything” and the questions were along the lines of:

Does he have a job or he is a benefit scrounger?
Is he racist?
Is he obese?
Are you expected to eat fish and chips?
Is he clean and has a good sense of personal hygiene?

OP started this thread in a way that threw all Muslims in together. Only when challenged has she confirmed she means her husband’s community. So why does it matter that her husband is a Muslim when it’s the practices of her husband’s community that fall into the media stereotype rather than it being a religious issue.

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Vielendanke · 02/09/2022 23:20

Glitteratitar · 02/09/2022 23:10

My husband is white English. Imagine if I started a thread saying “I’m married to a European, ask me anything” and the questions were along the lines of:

Does he have a job or he is a benefit scrounger?
Is he racist?
Is he obese?
Are you expected to eat fish and chips?
Is he clean and has a good sense of personal hygiene?

OP started this thread in a way that threw all Muslims in together. Only when challenged has she confirmed she means her husband’s community. So why does it matter that her husband is a Muslim when it’s the practices of her husband’s community that fall into the media stereotype rather than it being a religious issue.

You know my husband actually has had questions like that,

do you just eat sandwiches?
is she just after your money?
did she put her parents in an old peoples home?
is she infertile?


i do think though that when I say my husband is Pakistani/ Muslim a lot of people have a lot of very personal questions, most of which do come from the media stereotype or some very negative encounters they’ve had previously or based on someone that someone else knew that was married to a Muslim and he was [insert negative character trait here]

it wasn’t my intention to group over one billion people together, hence why I specified that DH was Pakistani. I assumed that no one would think my marriage is emblematic of one billion people across the globe and people wouldn’t think a Muslim from Pakistan is the same as someone from iran and the same as someone from Senegal and albania etc

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Vielendanke · 02/09/2022 23:24

^ also people could’ve asked other questions, about how we navigate our parents religious traditions whilst staying true to ourselves or if we had an ‘English’ wedding or an Islamic one or a big Asian wedding, did I wear red or white, what’s my husband’s stance on polygamy? Does it worry me? There are a lot of questions that could be asked in terms of religion


(these are the ones I was asked at work for instance, people always ask to see our wedding pics)

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Glitteratitar · 02/09/2022 23:25

I assumed that no one would think my marriage is emblematic of one billion people across the globe and people wouldn’t think a Muslim from Pakistan is the same as someone from iran and the same as someone from Senegal and albania etc

Except that’s what you did by starting a thread that is headed “married to a Muslim man”. There is a massive problem of how the media and society portray Muslims. You helped group all Muslim men together and because of the cultural practices of your in laws, you’ve now let others think it’s normal of Islamic families and traditions.

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amel1a · 02/09/2022 23:33

Nothing insured about that I find it normal

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Vielendanke · 02/09/2022 23:40

Glitteratitar · 02/09/2022 23:25

I assumed that no one would think my marriage is emblematic of one billion people across the globe and people wouldn’t think a Muslim from Pakistan is the same as someone from iran and the same as someone from Senegal and albania etc

Except that’s what you did by starting a thread that is headed “married to a Muslim man”. There is a massive problem of how the media and society portray Muslims. You helped group all Muslim men together and because of the cultural practices of your in laws, you’ve now let others think it’s normal of Islamic families and traditions.

youre right I should’ve said this is my experience in this specific community, but I did think it was implied as it’s an AMA . But when there was some upset I then explicitly clarified this, ive definitely NOT said all Muslim men are the same, and my husband is a pretty swell guy anyway

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silentpool · 03/09/2022 00:53

People should try not to be so over sensitive. In no way did OP suggest that all people in the Muslim community are a certain way or not. In fact she has said her DH is very non traditional...which is breaking down pre-conceptions surely?

Anyway, the Muslim world is incredibly diverse so it's clear, she could not be doing that as I doubt she has met every Muslim.

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Fififelix · 03/09/2022 01:13

How are you planning to raise your DD? What if she decided she wanted a boyfriend , to eat bacon etc.

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strugglingmum82 · 03/09/2022 01:26

Why do some call it reverts?

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JustTheOneSwan · 03/09/2022 06:11

strugglingmum82 · 03/09/2022 01:26

Why do some call it reverts?

In Islam they teach you are born believing in God so you revert back to a natural state rather than convert to a new one.
It's a big deal getting someone to revert like for JW.

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girlmom21 · 03/09/2022 06:58

I think you said you converted before you met him. Why did you do choose to do that? Were your family aware?

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Vielendanke · 03/09/2022 09:31

Fififelix · 03/09/2022 01:13

How are you planning to raise your DD? What if she decided she wanted a boyfriend , to eat bacon etc.

As Muslim so we don’t eat pork products now so I’d hope she’d continue in that and tbh I’d probably be disappointed if I found out otherwise

boyfriends wise I actually chat to dh about this often because even though it’s ‘haram’ it’s so so common. Islamically the ideal would be for them to get married when of age, not necessarily a legal marriage but an Islamic one but if she were say 16/17/18/19 around Uni age I’m not sure I’d encourage that, because you change a lot from your teen to adult years and they might not understand the gravity of marriage and just having a religious marriage which you can end relatively easily might make it seem like nbd which it isn’t.

i know I’d want her to be honest with me rather than hide it, so I wouldn’t punish her or tell her off or anything, I’d praise the honesty and probably invite him over and offer our house as a place to have movie/ date nights and pick take her to and pick her up from any dates (assuming they are of school age here). I know it’s not the most Islamic response but I think shaming her would push her away and make her hide things

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JamTartLover · 03/09/2022 09:38

I can understand the defensiveness of some of the posters with threads like this. Islamophobia is rife, with the media constantly highlighting specifically negative news articles (honour based violence, terrorists) rather than focusing on the positive press (charitable work, understanding the religion).

Obviously every poster can post what they want and as an AMA thread, you would assume that those reading the thread would be able to understand that this is one person's experience of being married to a Muslim as opposed to everyone's experience. However, in very small communities, there may be little to no Muslims so people will believe these threads and generalise to everyone.

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Vielendanke · 03/09/2022 09:57

girlmom21 · 03/09/2022 06:58

I think you said you converted before you met him. Why did you do choose to do that? Were your family aware?

Yeah I did, I started watching a lot of debate shows and I found it really interesting so I started going to debates in person and reading more and it made a lot of sense to me so I did convert, but privately, I tried to go to mosque and stuff but found it a bit overwhelming, there are certain very conservative groups that think you can’t say happy Xmas to someone or even be around your family at xmas, and where I live this mosque is the most convert friendly one. I knew being like that would break my families heart and I didn’t agree with it so I just distanced myself, and at the time I didn’t really have many close Muslim friends, I had one and chatted to them about it and they said don’t do it, no one will marry you (before anyone comes for me they were kosovan and their family wanted them to marry someone from their area back home or someone who’s parents were from there, this does not represent all kosovans). Meeting my husband almost gave me permission to connect with it again, because I realised it didn’t have to be all or nothing.

DM did have an inclination and she didn’t take it well, she’d bombard me with headlines from the newspapers about Muslims (this was pre isis, Around boko haram time so there was a lot in the news)

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namechange38582 · 03/09/2022 10:02

Agree with the below from @Glitteratitar. My DH is Indian Muslim and my experience could not be any different from the OPs. There was not any issue when we married from either family mine or his. Women are not treated as second class citizens in his family. There are disparities in every single family regardless of religion, culture etc.

'My husband is white English. Imagine if I started a thread saying “I’m married to a European, ask me anything” and the questions were along the lines of:

Does he have a job or he is a benefit scrounger?
Is he racist?
Is he obese?
Are you expected to eat fish and chips?
Is he clean and has a good sense of personal hygiene?

OP started this thread in a way that threw all Muslims in together. Only when challenged has she confirmed she means her husband’s community. So why does it matter that her husband is a Muslim when it’s the practices of her husband’s community that fall into the media stereotype rather than it being a religious issue.'

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