I’m a white woman who married a Muslim man AMA?

[Vielendanke]

As the title says, I’m a white British lady who married a Muslim man, an Asian Muslim man no less. I realise it’s not that uncommon these days but whenever the topic comes up with new people I meet, say at work, or through friends etc people always seem to have a 10001 questions, some that they are quite timid to ask.

so it’s made me think that maybe people have questions on this sort of thing, and some they maybe don’t feel comfortable asking face to face to someone they ‘know’…. Enter MN

Ama and I’ll answer honestly, the good the bad and the ugly

[Vielendanke]

@Glitteratitar

A lot of the questions and responses are more about your DH’s culture rather than religion. Perhaps you should change the heading to “you’re married to a British Pakistani” instead?

No because the religion is intertwined because that’s a huge part of our cross cultural marriage our religion and the topic of conversion and now religion factors into our lives and marriage is always one that invites a lot of questions

[Glitteratitar]

My parents and the vast vast majority of their community were raised in the east. And their upbringing and culture was not at all the small narrative that you’re trying to push. Think no head scarves, women educated and independent, etc etc.

That’s why culture is very important - because Pakistani Muslim culture is very very different than, say, Turkish Muslim culture. And on top of that, within each country, there are very different approaches to life and religion depending on your social standing (ie class and wealth). But saying it’s all the same and there’s a very narrow viewpoint demonstrates the ignorance that many people have when it comes to Muslims and Middle Eastern and Asian culture.

[Vielendanke]

That’s why culture is very important - because Pakistani Muslim culture is very very different than, say, Turkish Muslim culture. And on top of that, within each country, there are very different approaches to life and religion depending on your social standing (ie class and wealth). But saying it’s all the same and there’s a very narrow viewpoint demonstrates the ignorance that many people have when it comes to Muslims and Middle Eastern and Asian culture

^absolutely this!

my husband’s family although not poor are not ‘educated’ and whilst I’m not familiar with caste they are more of a lower social class which is the reason they are more resistant to outsiders.

my experience marrying my husband is v different to my friend’s who have married a Levantine arab, a NA Arab and somali

[Lazycatx]

Are your children integrated into the Pakistani or British culture? Do they go mosque?

[Phos]

How did you meet?

[Glitteratitar]

@Vielendanke

That’s why culture is very important - because Pakistani Muslim culture is very very different than, say, Turkish Muslim culture. And on top of that, within each country, there are very different approaches to life and religion depending on your social standing (ie class and wealth). But saying it’s all the same and there’s a very narrow viewpoint demonstrates the ignorance that many people have when it comes to Muslims and Middle Eastern and Asian culture

^absolutely this!

my husband’s family although not poor are not ‘educated’ and whilst I’m not familiar with caste they are more of a lower social class which is the reason they are more resistant to outsiders.

my experience marrying my husband is v different to my friend’s who have married a Levantine arab, a NA Arab and somali

Thank you for sharing that in one of your posts OP, so that other people who join this thread can see it.

Growing up as a Muslim in the UK was tough as people believed the stereotypes they see in the media when my culture and home life was nothing like that. And more often than not everyone thinks all Muslims are the same and women are massively repressed (as is clear by the questions in this thread) when a huge part of it is the culture of the family you’re from / marry into. My parents are practising Muslims and I, along with the children of their community (Levantine Arabs), do not have restrictive lives and very much lead and choose our own destiny.

[Vielendanke]

@Glitteratitar

Thank you for sharing that in one of your posts OP, so that other people who join this thread can see it.

Growing up as a Muslim in the UK was tough as people believed the stereotypes they see in the media when my culture and home life was nothing like that. And more often than not everyone thinks all Muslims are the same and women are massively repressed (as is clear by the questions in this thread) when a huge part of it is the culture of the family you’re from / marry into. My parents are practising Muslims and I, along with the children of their community (Levantine Arabs), do not have restrictive lives and very much lead and choose our own destiny.

I think in the UK Muslim is synonymous with Pakistani and a very particular type of Pakistani, the ones that find themselves on the cover of the mail for instance so I definitely don’t wish to perpetuate that, I actually hope this thread does the opposite as my husband is from that very insular community back home and in many ways is a real teddy bear of a guy and far more woke than many of the white males my mother would have preferred I ended up with

[Vielendanke]

@Lazycatx

Are your children integrated into the Pakistani or British culture? Do they go mosque?

They’re too young right now so no

[Vielendanke]

@Phos

How did you meet?

Online Dating haha

[Vielendanke]

@shiningstar2

How about your family? Are they totally accepting of your DH. If so we're they accepting right from the start or have they got to like him better knowing him better? Does he join in your family's cultural celebrations ?

They weren’t at the beginning at all but he’s such a mellow guy it’s v hard to find fault with him… yeah he’ll join in Christmas and stuff, in the non religious sense, you know not midnight mass but will do gifts and a roast

[Vielendanke]

@Mossygreenchypre

Hi
What branch of Islam does your DH follow?

Sunni

[Vielendanke]

@Mannymoomin

I disagree that this is unusual, I am in the exact same situation as OP, although I didn’t convert until after marriage and of my own free will.
My boys weren’t circumcised until the oldest was a teenager, again their own choices.
Its a misconception that Muslim boys must be circumcised at birth.

OP does your DH have family over in Pakistan? I think that’s where you said he’s from?
If so, is he still expected to send money to support them now he has his own family to think of?

Most of his family are here, he has a few members back there, he’s not a migrant worker lol, he’s not expected to send money back home or pay for anyone else

[Vielendanke]

@JustTheOneSwan

Can you get your head around the less equal sides of the religion? Will it be bearable forever or are you hoping he will soften his stance?

Have you got anyone outside (mum/friend etc) who's solely on your side?

I have friends quite a few fellow converts and a nice little circle I think

[emergencygapjumper]

@Glitteratitar

I know this is AMA but I actually find these thread quite offensive. Not every Muslim man is the same, so what you’re married to a Muslim?

My husband is white and I’m not. Is that newsworthy too?

Mmm feeling the same, I'm in the same kind of marriage and can not relate to anything OP is saying.

I like the idea of an ama but people should know that this is just one person's experience.

A 'Muslim man' from Pakistan is very different from a Muslim man from the Emirates, or Egypt, or Iran.

All have different cultures. Just like every other person in the whole world!

[Vielendanke]

@emergencygapjumper

Mmm feeling the same, I'm in the same kind of marriage and can not relate to anything OP is saying.

I like the idea of an ama but people should know that this is just one person's experience.

A 'Muslim man' from Pakistan is very different from a Muslim man from the Emirates, or Egypt, or Iran.

All have different cultures. Just like every other person in the whole world!

Obviously, that’s why I said in my Op that my husband was Pakistani Muslim. I do think though that’s what incites more ‘fascination’ when people find out my husband is Pakistani Muslim precisely because there are a lot of stereotypes on both sides. And again it’s not an ‘Asian’ thing as my experience is totally different from some people I know that have married Sikhs and Hindus

[BillBenWeed]

Tbh most of the women I’ve known / seen in these kinds of relationships have been vulnerable in some way; do you find that there’s much truth to that? Perhaps in the same way that lots of people find religion after a trauma, particularly finding another religion (one which does have branches
/elements which are very restrictive wrt women) and having such a big change in identity and lifestyle as conversion necessitates seems to appeal to women who’ve had a particularly hard time. Obviously not all etc etc, but it does seem to be a pattern

[Chaiandkaafee]

I find this whole thread very distasteful. The OP seems to have perpetuated these already prejudiced views by starting this very thread! I am of British Pakistani descent. The men in my family are all very different! You can’t pin all their characteristics down to just Pakistani men. This thread actually comes across as very racist! You have abusive and controlling partners who come from all over the world! Just go onto the relationships section on MN and you’ll see some of the shit British indigenous women have to put up with from men from their very own background!!! OP I’m not sure what you were thinking when you started this thread……..

[DomPom47]

If you had a son/have a son would you get him circumcised?

[Georgyporky]

I'm going to ask trivial questions, thanks for this AMA.

I had a Muslim BIL, who insisted his non-Muslim DW & their DDs only wore white cotton underwear. Was that just him ? (It was about the only thing he did insist upon.)

Is it true that women must shave their pubic hair? And what about the men?

My dentist & hygienist are both Muslim, & I avoid appointments during Ramadan as I'm concerned about their skills wielding instruments when they're fasting. I know you don't fast, but are my concerns justified?

[MsPincher]

I think ama is great to be able to discuss stuff like this openly. Of course op is only talking from her own experience but it’s interesting.

[Vielendanke]

@Chaiandkaafee

I find this whole thread very distasteful. The OP seems to have perpetuated these already prejudiced views by starting this very thread! I am of British Pakistani descent. The men in my family are all very different! You can’t pin all their characteristics down to just Pakistani men. This thread actually comes across as very racist! You have abusive and controlling partners who come from all over the world! Just go onto the relationships section on MN and you’ll see some of the shit British indigenous women have to put up with from men from their very own background!!! OP I’m not sure what you were thinking when you started this thread……..

I’ve actually said my husband is NOTHING like the cliche that’s so pervasive in the media. He does more around the house and as a father than most white British men who would claim to be feminists. I started the thread because people always have questions when they hear I’m married to a Pakistani man, likewise they do for my husband when they find out about me.

ive not once said he’s abusive or controlling BUT I do think that it is a perception of the Pakistani male as such, hence a lot of the questions on the thread.

there are obviously awful men in every corner of the world. My husband comes from a very insular community and to pretend otherwise would be a lie, likewise pretending his family straight up accepted me would be a lie. But I actually think it shows his strength of character more, many other men (Asian or otherwise ) under the weight of cultural disapproval would probably back down, not my husband though, he fought for us and me.

[Bubblyinblanch]

Do you have a job?

[Vielendanke]

@BillBenWeed

Tbh most of the women I’ve known / seen in these kinds of relationships have been vulnerable in some way; do you find that there’s much truth to that? Perhaps in the same way that lots of people find religion after a trauma, particularly finding another religion (one which does have branches
/elements which are very restrictive wrt women) and having such a big change in identity and lifestyle as conversion necessitates seems to appeal to women who’ve had a particularly hard time. Obviously not all etc etc, but it does seem to be a pattern

Woooooaaaah, problematic. Taking a lot of agency away from women here.

i think people often go through radical rethinking of their lives and priorities after big life events, to some that might be religion, others it might be traveling. What’s the problem in that

[Chaiandkaafee]

an insular community? To suggest anything else is a lie?! Your experience as a white women with one family makes you an expert on Pakistani families does it?!

[Vielendanke]

@Georgyporky

I'm going to ask trivial questions, thanks for this AMA.

I had a Muslim BIL, who insisted his non-Muslim DW & their DDs only wore white cotton underwear. Was that just him ? (It was about the only thing he did insist upon.)

Is it true that women must shave their pubic hair? And what about the men?

My dentist & hygienist are both Muslim, & I avoid appointments during Ramadan as I'm concerned about their skills wielding instruments when they're fasting. I know you don't fast, but are my concerns justified?

I’ve never heard of the white cotton thing before, so I’m pretty sure that’s just that guy. Although cotton is breathable so that’s nice.

shaving pubic hair is a sunnah, it’s one of the conditions of fitrah, god consciousness so it’s recommended for both men and women.

avoiding appointments during Ramadan, erm no I wouldn’t, at the end of the day they are professional, they might not even be fasting. Plus you can fast mon and Thursday and the white days too, so you might never know if your dentist is fasting. But it’s up to you, you might be a bit of a nervous patient (I am) so if it makes you feel comfortable then I guess you do you. But Muslim drs would perform heart surgery during Ramadan so there’s that