Thank you! And thank you for reading every post - it must have took you a while. It's nice to see that people are genuinely interested and have genuinely listened to what I've said. I was half expecting loads of horrible messages and for me to never open the Mumsnet app again haha.
Some good questions!
My life's been good since release. It was obviously hard at first, I was so convinced that I'd ruined my life, that I'd never get a job, that I'd never get a boyfriend again ect. I made the stupid mistake the day after I got home of reading the newspaper articles and then the comments people had wrote. People had wrote comments saying that I needed to die or that I needed to kill myself and stuff like that and I couldn't help but think that everyone would think the same. Anyway, I started a job 4 weeks later just working for a friend whilst I job hunted for something permanent. I've got a good job now, I've been on holidays, I've bought a house, I just live a 'normal', quiet life.
I honestly think about it pretty much every day, not because I sit and purposely think about the time I was in prison but because things remind me of certain things. Sometimes it's a very brief thought, like when I do my shopping and see penguins on the biscuit isle (you got one EVERY SINGLE DAY), other times it's when I hear someone's been sentenced to a prison sentence on the news and it makes me think about it. I often think about some of the girls who were in there and wonder if they're still alive, how they're doing and if they're ok. Sometimes, and I feel wrong for saying this because I feel like you shouldn't have a good time in prison, il remember something funny that happened and il laugh to myself.
In terms of how it affects me today, the actual prison sentence doesn't really affect my day to day life. Like a previous PP mentioned, if I wanted to go to America it could cause me problems, but my employer knows what happened, my DP knows what happened and all my friends do, so no one judges me ect although I do worry about finding a new job should I ever want to find something new. I'm actually pretty clever and sometimes I feel like I wasted the opportunity of been something amazing.
The experience as a whole affects me more. I put my hood up when I go out to get in my car because I'm scared of my ex boyfriend ever driving past and seeing where I live incase he caused me any harm. When I'm near where he lives (I don't live too far, not because I stalk him haha) I walk with my head down. I worry so so much about every little thing and I think this stems from the experience. I go through phases of getting really bad anxiety and it's normally over not much (I don't like admitting things like this because I don't want it to come across like I'm looking for sympathy, I'm not, I'm just been honest!)
If I ever tell anyone new they usually are very surprised and say something like 'YOU'VE been to prison?! You're joking' and then have LOADS of questions but more so about prison in general than about me specifically. I was meant to be going on a hen do once until one of the other girls doing messaged me to tell me she thought I was a scumbag or something but other than that I've never had anyone react badly. But obviously I'm not sure what they say behind my back. When I told my DP he said it was fine, everyone makes mistakes ect and that if I ever wanted to talk about it then I could but he doesn't really mention it and I don't bring it up. Sometimes I actually wish he would bring it up occasionally because sometimes I feel like it's asif it never happened, and I don't bring it up because I feel embarrassed.
Yeah I'm definitely more forgiving of others. Sometimes too much and I'm definitely too trusting. But I like to see the best in people rather than the worst, because I know what it's like when people only see the worst in you and I also have seen so many people in prison who were nice, caring people but to the outside world would come across as the worlds worst.
The threads definitely brought back some feelings, I couldn't sleep on Monday night after I'd answered loads of questions, it was playing on my mind again the same that it used to ten years ago.
There's loads that needs changing. I think the most important thing would be improving the help people get when they suffer from poor mental health. People in prison self harm so much and take their own lives and they will have literally cried for help a million times. But the prison staff are stretched, and there's only so much they can do. They can't let you out and they can't create you a good life but there should be more help available. They do have a listener scheme where prisoners are trained up as listeners and you can call them out any time of day, 24/7. They come out in pairs and will 'listen' to you.
They always seem to mess up peoples medication too which is obviously important both for physical and mental problems. One of the women who killed herself whilst I was there reportedly did it because she hadn't been given her meds. I'm not sure how true it is but if it is true it's such a shame that she died for that reason.
How I've changed is hard to answer, I think on the surface I would seem pretty similar. Inside I worry a lot, I get bad anxiety, I overthink things and I'm more defensive of myself which is a trait I hate but I think it's due to 1) the volitile relationship I had with my ex and 2) the horrible comments people wrote on the news articles.
On the other side of that, I appreciate life more. I am so so so grateful for my friends and my family aswell as for the small things, a walk round the park ect. I work very hard, but that's half because I feel undeserving of my job. I'm more understanding, I help anyone that I possibly can, even just by giving my old clothes to a womens refuge, or by buying someone homeless a coffee. It's made me realise that there's far more to a person than their worst moments.
My mental health was at its worst when I was on bail and facing sentencing. If it wasn't for my mum I think I would have genuinely killed myself. As strange as it sounds as soon I was sentenced (even though it wasn't a good outcome) the weight just lifted off my shoulders because I could stop worrying, there was nothing else I could do. I worry now and I get anxiety but I don't feel suicidal anymore.
Yeah I don't think you would suspect anything if you met me, I often wonder if my next door neighbours know. I'm sure they don't but it sometimes crosses my mind. I don't think most people at work know other than my manager and HR and people at gym classes ect don't know either and I think they would all be surprised if I told them. I'm just a normal girl, I'm actually quite boring, I don't go on nights out, rarely drink ect. I look like a bit of a geek too 😂
Xx