I'm a lesbian! AMA

[Alysskea]

Partly want to get some representation on here for same sex couples and our experience :)

It’s so lovely to hear from other lesbians who share my views on Stonewall, lesbians who don’t want relationships with trans woman being perceived as transphobic, being called queer and so on.
i probably consider myself gender critical and am concerned that it may be considered more acceptable for lesbian young women to be transmen.
I am in my late forties now, in a civil partnership (before gay marriage was allowed), have two lovely children and a great network of predominantly lesbian close friends.
My partner is also NC with her homophobic family; mine are supportive.
Good luck with your family plans; it is totally worth it!

What do you think about the term ‘turning tavern’ I hadn’t heard it before but a friend in her 40s divorced with children told me she was thinking of turning tavern. I support her in which ever relationship she goes in - I don’t seem to have any gay friends - despite being pro gay rights. How can I support her?
she’s asking me questions such as where to go for online dating? I thought I just don’t know - bumble? As to gay bars I have absolutely no idea - she’s never even kissed a woman and she’s worried as she thinks a lesbian will think she is going through a phase.
She’s worried about online as she’s heard a lot of trans women are on the apps and she wants a woman rather then a trans woman and the hatred that can come with being a lesbian.
I can’t help in fact I might invite her to join this thread! Hang on but those were her main questions the last time we chatted about it.

the other question was…. Did I think the fact she had crap relationships with men was a reason she was finding women attractive - I honestly don’t know.

@Hopeandlove we call it coming over to the dark side! And it’s welcomed! We have various straight friends, sworn off men after a series of shite relationships. They hang out in the lesbian community and say they wish they fancied women because women are so much nicer and being a parent with another women is so much more supportive, in general.

As others have said. My dd likes more masculine clothes, she likes baggy outfits (wide jeans, baggy T-shirts, lumberjack shirts, hoodies) and short hair but is very much female. Her girlfriend happens to dress more "feminine" but that doesn't mean she hasn't fancied girls who present in a less "feminine" way.

I'm heterosexual and my outfits are often similar to dds. No one ever questions why I'm dressing "masculine".

Can I ask more about the term turning tavern? I haven’t heard this before. I’m a woman who came out as lesbian fairly recently in my 30s and I’m assuming this is something linked to coming out later from what you’ve said?

Not the OP but a lesbian, I'll answer if I may obviously OP may answer too.
'The Turning Tavern' was a thread that ran on her. I've not heard the term elsewhere myself however. It did seem to be linked to women coming out, but as far as I know it isn't age or life-stage related. Just women who've previously not understood their sexuality, or identified as straight, who then realise they're not.

Please someone correct me if I am wrong :)

Ran on HERE, not her :)

Thank you, I appreciate the answer and that explains why I haven’t heard it before. I’ll have a look for the threads!

I, too, don't understand the attraction towards a more 'butch' looking woman. Someone said they are just clothes and I am absolutely of the opinion that clothes are just clothes and don't define us.

If every second gay couple were feminine/feminine or feminine butch - it wouldn't be so obvious. I've thought that maybe feminine/feminine couples aren't as obvious and there are just as many - but then at pride festivals - surrounded by gay couples and the majority are feminine/butch.

The poster above said that her partner who looks less feminine is more interested in cooking and keeping house but isn't that playing into the traditional mindset too. My DH is more interested in cooking and keeping house.
I guess my question is why do so many gay women seemingly prefer to wear more traditionally masculine clothes. The (admittedly) few couples I know are all feminine/butch dressed person.

• I absolutely do not intend to offend by using the word butch. It was used by a previous poster to describe and no offence seemed to be taken so I used it too. I deliberated over using the word masculine looking but thought this would also cause offence.

My immediate thought in answer to this question is, It's a look that gives me physical euphoria. It's what I am 'programmed' to be attracted to. Looking back, the ten year old me was enthralled with my very boyish classmate and that was the start of it!

It does go deeper than this though.

Butch women are usually a certain type of person. There's obviously vast differences between them, but despite this, there's a certain thing about the majority, and that personality and outlook on the world and on life, is something I am attracted to. They make me feel 'safe' and they usually are more traditionally 'masculine' (note I do not mean 'like a man!') in many ways which balances me and my outlook and my personality.

Of course 'butch' generated from women hiding dating women, by one of the women presenting as male, but the majority of women I've dated have been of this look since they were very young or if they weren't, they were as soon as they felt safely able. It's who they are, they're not into many traditionally feminine clothes, activities, jobs or any mentionable thing humans do. It's naturally who they are, and that mentality and self-awareness is also something I admire.

I'm in my forties, have been out since my early twenties and I've never dated anyone who presents as feminine, 'girly' or any other description. I doubt I ever would. I guess the same as some women may say they prefer a certain type of man, I just prefer a certain type of woman.

I have to say though, I know FAR more feminine lesbian couples than butch/femme ones and I have been to 3 pride events this year and not noticed any butch/femme couples. I guess perhaps just the circles we move in?

Or perhaps you don't notice butch/femme couples at a casual glance, because you just assume masculine-looking-person plus feminine-looking-person is a straight couple?

Most definitely not (may be for others)!

I've been in the gay world for so long. It always marvels me when people mistake my female friends for men. To me, butch women do not look like men at all.

I know what you mean. I never think my DP looks like a man, and she isn't terribly butch either - but still, people often look at the two of us and automatically think 'ah! a man and a woman!'. I don't think it is because they actually look properly and think DP looks like a man. They just don't look hard. One time we did have to laugh - a butch lesbian was holding forth about how she'd never, ever, ever mistake someone's biological sex, and she could always tell, and my husband was being so fucking rude to assume lesbians couldn't tell ..

Well, yes.

That's hilarious!

Yes, I guess people see what they expect to see in any given situation if there's similarities to the 'protocol'.

My DP is mistaken for a man all the time. To be fair, she's tall and 'strapping' (that word has some connotations that I needed to mention for some reason ) and does look very masculine even compared to other women I know. But I've (touch wood) never got anyone wrong so far!

We went to an event once and they picked her out of the crowd to be part of the act, and it was a situation where it required a man for the joke to work. She just went along with it :)

@PatPatienceisntvirtuous I am married to another woman (because both lesbians, duh) and neither of us fall particularly anywhere on the femme butch spectrum. We're in Spain. Consequently, despite looking nothing alike, we often have people ask if we're sisters.

Our local butcher, despite dealing with us for five years and seeing pregnancy and baby, still insists on asking after my friend.

Do you have a cat?