I'm a lesbian! AMA

[Alysskea]

Partly want to get some representation on here for same sex couples and our experience :)

oh i’ve got a question… when does a lesbian count as having lost her virginity if she never has PIV sex?

@Bunnyfuller Your question was perfectly respectful and reasonable, don't worry! As you said, it's AMA.

Not OP so her answers may be very different.

Celebs: we like Sandi Toksvig, lol. Generally not that into celebrities, though. Or rather, most of my favourite ones are dead!

Bodies: yes, we do. Both recovering from ED, doing okay but some feelings like that do pop up at times. Also I am pretty severely unwell/disabled and sometimes feel a little jealous of her health (not that I'd ever want her to be less healthy). But then I feel so lucky that my issues don't put her off, haha...

Not OP and very interested to know her answer if she comes back to the thread! But: we kept our names because of prior publications & our full names being very unusual.

(Not trying to take over OP's AMA, but it's a couple of weeks old and she may not see the new questions that have popped up. Obviously I want to see her answers if she comes back!)

Are short nails a must?

a woman is attractive when looking as female as possible - surely any similarity to the dangly types is not required

@Bunnyfuller I think this sentence might be indicative of the root of your confusion. You have internalised a myth about what is attractive in men and women and are navigating a dichotomy. It's likely that some lesbians are also affected by this binary and are actively rejecting the stereotypes associated with their traditional gender roles I'd imagine.

Women are not attractive when looking feminine. Except in the images we have been sold by the media and a damaging society. Equally, clothes choices are not always about satisfying society's, particularly the male, gaze.

Ummm any other lesbians happy to answer my virginity question? i’d honestly like to know and feel i can’t ask people IRL

I can’t speak for lesbians who have never had sex with males, as I have prior to coming out so lost mine in the traditional sense I guess.

I can say that when I first slept with a woman it felt like losing it again but the right way!

so I suppose the first time they have sex is losing it. Many heterosexuals have the view that PIV is sex and nothing else, whereas obviously gay people don’t have that view.

No question, just jealous that you don't get stubble rash after a good snog. 😀

Do you have a 'type' and what is it - as in, looking like a certain actress, singer etc.

I know I’m not the only straight person to be genuinely interested, and much like those attracted to same sex, who just don’t comprehend what might be attractive about opposite sex attraction, thus the question.

This reminds me of a well-known trans person’s reaction to photos of JK Rowling’s lunch. Said trans person simply couldn’t understand why women with short hair, no make up & trousers were welcome, while men with long hair, make up & dresses were excluded.

It’s because the outside trappings make no difference to a person’s sex. And yes, a woman in a good suit is extremely sexy.

Thank you!

All the same sex couples I know have either kept their own names or both hyphenated.

I am not the OP and I realise she has already answered. I feel something special about feminine masculinity. My partner and all my previous partners have been that way. As OP said, they're women. They do tend to have certain traits I (as a feminine lesbian) really appreciate in someone. Of course I am not lumping them all into the same category, but I've honestly never had one that didn't seek out traits that complemented me, and they've usually liked things about me too. Plus for some reason i love the look and it gives me physical euphoria. And I feel safer walking home late at night. This probably sounds old fashioned but in answering for me, that is why.

Contrary to your statement though, I do know a lot of lesbian couples who are both very feminine. :)

I see virginity as a social construction, somewhat based in religion, so to me it's a none-issue.

I've been with men before, only came out to friends in my twenties,family much later.

I'd have been seen by society as losing my virginity aged 16. I never felt anything from sex or intimacy until I'd been with a woman.

If i could redefine virginity I'd paint it as the first time I really enjoyed sex and felt it right. First having 'proper' sex in terms of enjoyment, connection, that ecstacy ones body feels. But it doesn't doesn't anything to me in its traditional sense because it is based in patriarchy, 'tradition' and religious connotations that i just don't have time for.

Love your answers, @Patienceisntvirtuous - it's a real pleasure to 'meet' some other lesbians on this thread.

You're not a pedant. I completely agree.

I also dislike the term 'queer' and feel it others and erases lesbians.

Sorry to jump in and answer a question as a straight woman, but I've always been very 'unfeminine' and have no problem attracting straight men, who fancy women, and aren't bothered whether their partner complies with female stereotypes or not. So I don't understand the poster earlier who is confused by lesbians not always going for feminine partners. Does she think women who choose to look like I do, straight or lesbian, couldn't be attractive to anyone at all?

Do you have gay male friends, OP? It has seemed to me that, although all gay, lesbians and gay men rarely socialise when I'd assume they had a common interest. Is this a thing? I have friends both gay and straight and, being bi myself, hang out with men and women. I'm just curious as to whether there just isn't anything in common, or is there more to it?

Totally. Queer is a horrible term that reeks of lesbophobia - internalised or otherwise.

Great to meet so many like-minded lesbians!

What is the best way to be an ally to lesbians?

@Innocenta yes it is! And thank you
@Hollyhocksarenotmessy that is a very good point you make :)

My partner is as masculine as they come but she's definitely a woman.

We had a really offensive (to me, anyway) comment from a drunk woman recently who asked her if she was transitioning. I said 'I b*oody hope not!'

I just saw photos of a very stylish lesbian wedding, with both brides wearing dresses. Would you keep your dresses secret, do you think, or consult and choose together? I know that will depend on the couple, I just wondered about that dynamic. They were remarkably similar - though not at all identical- dresses.

The only lesbian wedding I've been to, one bride wore a very snazzy tweed suit, the other the traditional white dress. I believe they followed a traditional groom/bride pattern of shopping.

Very trivial I know!

@picklemewalnuts We chose ours together.

That must be really special. Urgh, I'm feeling all sentimental now!