I'm a lesbian! AMA

[Alysskea]

Partly want to get some representation on here for same sex couples and our experience :)

Im going to ask you this because I dont know you and I'd be too embarrassed to ask my lesbian friends.
Why do so many lesbians style their hair like tintin?

Be true to yourself. There are others like you. It’s not weird or unnatural. Ignore the crap on the internet. You know who you are!

what is it that’s worrying you? :) I’m not exactly a good ‘dater’ I’m quite shy but people I know usually head online, there are apps specific to women :)

Really glad you came back, OP!

Aww thank you! My app has completely broken was hoping it would fix itself but in the end just came back on browser! Looks like you’ve been holding down the fort haha x

Omg this made me laugh so much!!! You know what it’s such a thing isn’t it??? I think it’s just fashion? I like a tin tin look 😂

Do you have many heterosexual male friends or do you just not vibe with them the same as a gay male?

I also hate the term queer - sounds like a slur.

I’m a lesbian too, getting married next month. I don’t have any lesbian friends as we just don’t seem to have much in common except we both like women. I’m what you would call a “femme” lesbian and my fiancée is quite feminine too although not as much as me.

As I don’t have any lesbian friends my question is do you think sexuality and gender expression as in how “traditionally” feminine or masculine you are is linked? For me it isn’t at all, but all the lesbians I’ve met have tended to be more stereotypically masculine than most straight women and most gay men I’ve met had been more stereotypically feminine, there’s also a lot of young lesbians identifying as trans now. So I’m just wondering if you feel the same and if you think there’s a link?

I don’t have a single straight male friend lol. Not that I wouldn’t be open to having one but never got on much with them. My sisters boyfriend seems nice? But I think of him more like a little brother.

also - thank you, queer is a slur and I don’t wanna be called it!

Hey :) congrats on getting married nice to have you in our little thread especially as it sounds like you’ve not got a lot of other lesbians to talk to.

I would say - remember gender is a social construct. Lesbians might seem more ‘masculine’ because they don’t have to perform femininity to attract men. Same for vice versa. I agree that there seems to be a correlation between being for example a bit more ‘femme’ and a gay man, but how do we know straight men aren’t just holding it in? It’s all really complex and I don’t have the answers, just giving my tuppence!

I agree gender is a social construct, it’s interesting because I’ve had ex partners and their friends accuse me of performing femininity, but for me it’s not a performance is nothing to do with men. I actually want men to leave me alone! It’s just something that’s natural to me, I have no interest in more traditionally masculine things. Whereas I’ve heard “butch” lesbians describe it in the same way, but opposite for them. So it’s just interesting to me.

I suppose there could be a lot of straight women who naturally would like to be more “masculine” but feel they can’t because they want to attract men. My best friend is straight, hates makeup, wants to cut her hair short, doesn’t wear heels or dresses, but feels that she has to because it’s what her husband and society expects of her.

I think we are really different as people, like each one of us is so different but we’ve all been pretending to be the same for so long. I like dresses but no interest at all in make up. It’s down to what you like isn’t it!! People see me as ‘the woman’ in our relationship sometimes because I dress a certain way but my partner is the one who loves to cook and is interested in keeping house etc. I hate all that stuff and focus on my progress at work because that’s what brings me satisfaction. All these labels are so confusing. And it’s hard to drop them when they’re everywhere!

To answer a pps question about if we have it easier if I may, my ex seriously assaulted me on more than one occasion, once to the point I was lucky to be alive. I do believe I was extremely unlucky however.

For the most part, I think straight women's relationship experiences are worse than lesbians.

I have a lot of straight male friends too despite being very far from 'one of the lads'. My (very masculine presenting) girlfriend has far fewer :)

Sorry to hear this happened to you. Lesbian and bisexual women can have toxic relationships for sure - it’s a side effect of being human I guess and there are horrible people everywhere. But I do think it’s much less normalised and we are less likely to feel like we have to put up with it generally speaking. It’s different if you’re in an abusive situation and feel like you can’t get out, but I feel like men are expected to act like absolute arses sometimes and women expected to put up with it and just be grateful for the attention.

How old are you? Are you are your wife similar ages?

do you think having an open relationship is more common and more ok if you’re in a same sex relationship? (My friend’s argument is that it’s more common in lgbt community because there’s less of a power imbalance generally and generally not having to accept traditional ideas of how a relationship works).

Not the op but a lesbian
I don't know any lesbians in open relationships nor who would want to be or accept being.
Just one person's experience however.

I’m 27, wife is a few years older than me but not by much.

in my experience it’s very common for gay male couples to have open relationships (many of my friends have) but not lesbians. I would never want to be in an open relationship!

Some male bodied people refer to themselves as “ Lesbians” If they identify as a woman-

E.G men wanting acceptance as a woman to have sex with women.

😑

I also don't get the confusion with 'masculine looking/dressing'. I am a heterosexual woman in a long term relationship with a man and people often assume I'm a lesbian because of the way I dress. Im just not girly and spend a lot of time either WFH or out on my bike so I wear trousers and hoodies and trainers. I have chunky calves that look wrong in dresses and skirts. It's purley practical for me, although aesthetically I also really like masculine clothes. I love the masculine dress that some lesbians adopt (I've often wished I was a lesbian but sadly I too think it's innate and I'm straight.)

Yes. Wankers.

Thanks for sharing this!! Everyone is different and being a woman doesn’t mean dressing in a certain way - gay or straight!

It seems to me that a lot of fairly mainstream books and TV programs are including lesbian characters now ( Vigil, conversations with friends, SAS Who Dares Wins, Heartstopper, actually pretty much everything I’ve watched or read lately that is a recent production). Do you feel this is wholly positive, or do you suspect it’s a quick way to inject some diversity and make the book/ show current and fashionable.

What is your favourite road trip and what type of vehicle would you do it in/on?

Very late to this oops! I feel mixed about it. I think what I notice is that gay (male) relationships are usually the focus - look at the success of heartstopper! I would like to see more same sex female couples on TV that aren’t background characters.

I cannot drive 😂 but if I could a nice little caravan trip up to the lakes sounds lovely