I loathe children, and being a mum AMA

[Daughterofanarc11]

This isn't your usual post natal depression manifesting as intense negative feelings . I have been a mother now for two decades and not one day goes by where i don't regret that fact.
I know am very much diff in my thinking to most women and anticipate some difficult opinions ( but hopefully just an open and honest dialogue).

@Wheresmywoolyjumpers, I think some posters are mildly irritated that this post is being treated as some kind of brave declaration of a taboo, when in fact such posts are actually not uncommon on Mn. If you search, you'll find some long threads about the same subject with a significant number of posters expressing similar views.

And some are also irritated because it's considered bad form to post on AMA and then not answer the questions you've invited.

Ok, that makes sense.

Not taboo on Mumsnet, but no one I know has openly said that they regret their kids (although there are some friends that I wonder about) so it is hard to get a sense of how common it is. Mumsnet isn't really a true representation.

@MilkTooth thank you so much for your post it's very inspiring,

Like you, I'm ambivalent, difference is - I'm struggling with conception too so not quite the same I guess.

But anyway, like you I will Not under any circumstances become default parent, so it's nice to hear it's possible.

@Kouoks

Not taboo on Mumsnet, but no one I know has openly said that they regret their kids (although there are some friends that I wonder about) so it is hard to get a sense of how common it is. Mumsnet isn't really a true representation.

I think it’s quite likely to be a more accurate representation of reality than what women you know in RL have said — it’s easier to admit taboo things anonymously.

@Daughterofanarc11

Thank you for the people expressing no judgment its not an easy topic i know esp. on a mums forum. Im not quite sure how to reply to individual posters sorry.

No one apart from my husband knows my true feelings as I keep them very very hidden, esp. from my children as i would never want to hurt them with my issue.
They know Im not keen on young kids but they don't know i regret motherhood.

I have three children 2 adult age who are at university and one 10 yr old.

My Nan (who had 10 children!) once told my mum that if she had her time again, she wouldn't 'have had all you kids'.

At the time, it gave my mum pause for thought, but as I've become older I understand where she was coming from.
My Nan was fiercely intelligent, god bless her and that intellect basically went to waste.

Do you feel like family life has held you back somehow?

Why is it always people with lots of kids who regret their own choices long term?

I don’t know anyone with 1 or 2 who loathed parenting permanently.

Hang on, you're posting about your husband not wanting the oods on another thread but you're here telling us you regret motherhood.

Do you mean you regret having the children altogether??????

Why is it always people with lots of kids who regret their own choices long term?

I was thinking the same thing. Not sure which way the cause/effect arrows are pointing. Is it about multiple children creating resentment? Or is it more a case of, the kind of person who goes into parenthood without thinking it through tends to have a lack of impulse control or forethought?

I'm not talking about people like PP's grandma who had ten kids. Lack of reliable birth control, social pressure and the power of organized religion created a difficult situation for women back then. There's no reason to have three kids in the 21st century if parenthood isn't your thing.

@Kokeshi123 it's an interesting point isn't it!

@Supersimkin2 I loathed parenting and I have 1. Sweeping generalisation much?

[quote LadyCampanulaTottington]@Supersimkin2 I loathed parenting and I have 1. Sweeping generalisation much?[/quote]
Exactly you have one. I assume this is why you stopped at the one! So to go on and have more must be a lot harder.

I have tricky children and one has sn , he will be with us forever . Life is very hard .. I have never liked children and actively avoid . Is it that unusual?? Give me a puppy any day! 🤷‍♀️

Does anyone actually enjoy the daily grind of parenting though?

@MumUndone

Does anyone actually enjoy the daily grind of parenting though?

Well, quite

I used to quite like children until I had my own child. I hate being a parent, everything about it is such a grind, I hate never having any free time to do what I want to do. I'm a single parent and there is no input from his Dad, hasn't really bothered with him since he was 2.
If I do get any time to myself, it's never long enough to really do anything or I've been at work on a 10 hour shift and so have no energy.
Now he is getting older there are brief moments of being less ground down by it all.

I think it is worse for me as I never planned on having any children because I knew I'd hate it.

Weirdly the older my DC get, the harder I find it. I didn't mind so much when they were little. They're 11/13 now...they stay up quite late so I have less childfree time in the evenings. They are often full of attitude and rudeness. They still demand my attention and request things from me constantly. I am also older and more tired than I was in my twenties when I had them.

@Comedycook

Weirdly the older my DC get, the harder I find it. I didn't mind so much when they were little. They're 11/13 now...they stay up quite late so I have less childfree time in the evenings. They are often full of attitude and rudeness. They still demand my attention and request things from me constantly. I am also older and more tired than I was in my twenties when I had them.

I can identify with this.

I think most people find having teens harder than any other parenting challenge @ComedyCook. They are so dependent on you whilst at the same time kicking against you. It's very hard. And the problems are bigger and have further reaching implications .

Thanks for the understanding comments,much appreciated!

“I feel exactly the same as OP. Adore my now adult child, gave her a wonderful childhood full of love, laughter, fun and support.

However I LOATHED the job of parenting - parent teacher meetings, school uniforms, homework, packed lunches, after school activities…. Day after day after day. Relentless, mind numbing and so boring.

Quite a common sentiment if I’m not mistaken.”

This, entirely this. If I’d known just how dull it would be I would not have sacked off a promising career for being a mum. I love my kids but by god it’s tedious being a parent.

It’s interesting that there are quite a number of posts saying the poster isn’t brave, that this topic comes up and again (which I agree with) and yet there are also a good few posts where posters are diagnosing the problem as being the grind or the role mothers are assigned. I don’t think the op has said it’s that and only that. I don’t have kids, and while the day-to-day parenting life doesn’t appeal, it’s a lot more than that for me. I’m not keen on children full stop and wouldn’t choose to be a mother even if I were able to outsource all the boring bits. I’m just not interested in being someone’s parent, and I thank my lucky stars that I live in a time and place where I have the choice not to be.

I do feel like some posters are trying to reassure themselves that nobody truly dislikes being a parent, but just aspects of it. Whereas I’m fairly sure it’s possible to dislike the whole thing.

I've said this before and people say the same - "children are all individual people too, you can't say you just don't like them!".

Well, if people need a lot of attention (my 7 year old niece, my best friend's 3 and 5 year old, my 9 year old goddaughter), are noisy or shrieky (most kids I've met under about 10), want to talk to me about cartoons and dinosaurs and whether they've done a poo (pretty much all of them - the poo chat from the younger ones!), emotionally volatile (my friends' 3yo twins, I'm looking at you), want you to entertain them constantly etc... then no, I wouldn't like spending too much time with them much either.

Obviously this doesn't apply to every single child but the vast majority of kids I encounter want to talk about kid stuff and play pretend and ask 10000 questions and... I don't want to. I'm fine with it if that's makes me unusual or a bit mean - but I find children of most ages really tedious and demanding of attention and energy.

@Daughterofanarc11

I agree. I have one. Wish I hadn't. Don't miss him when he's is not here. He's a really decent kid, kind, compassionate, smart, funny. I just wish it hasn't done it. He's 11. I am alive because to kill myself would leave him scarred for life. He has no idea that I feel this way. I tell him I love him. I look like an attentive and devoted mother. I hate being a mother.
I know that being a mother is for life, but once he is an adult and on his own two feet, I can stop.

Not much of an AMA if the OP doesn't respond.