I loathe children, and being a mum AMA

[Daughterofanarc11]

This isn't your usual post natal depression manifesting as intense negative feelings . I have been a mother now for two decades and not one day goes by where i don't regret that fact.
I know am very much diff in my thinking to most women and anticipate some difficult opinions ( but hopefully just an open and honest dialogue).

if you don't like being a Mum, how did the 10yo happen?

Three kids and you loathe children. 😞

Why did you have more than one if you hate it so much?

@saltontoast

Why did you have more than one if you hate it so much?

Already answered

[quote Glassofshloer]@regularbutnamechangedd well presumably the poster had a life before children so knows what it’s like not to have them [/quote]
Their life wouldn't have stayed exactly the same though, not for 15-20 years.

I applaud you Op for this thread.

I'm exactly like you, except I know I have a choice and I don't have children.

I know I would hate motherhood and be a terrible mother (not abusive, just not very good).

I get asked all the time why I don't have children and I tell people I'd be terrible.

You would think I'd grown another head they way people react to me.
It's like they are personally offended.
But the pressure is very intense, I even had a relative say that I should have a child, just so my mum can be a grandmother .

My question, have you had conversation with your own children that they shouldn't feel pressured into having children and they have a choice?

@regularbutnamechangedd why not?

[quote Glassofshloer]@regularbutnamechangedd why not?[/quote]
Because live changes, evolves, moves on.

@regularbutnamechangedd yes but the basic premise stays the same - work, family, fun, whatever hobbies you do etc.

Do you regret having children?

In all honesty, it doesn't sound like you loathe being a mum and it sounds like you love your kids.

You loathe all the boring shit that comes with it. Those things that we need to do because that's what we have to do in our society.

You say you always wanted thwm to feel cared about and priorised and donr want them to feel unloved. You put their needs first.

That sounds like love to me. Perhaps the issue is that you do love them. But due to your trauma you can't recognise it as such. Maybe you expect it to feel different. Or maybe are just unable to tie it all together.

I do think that it's fairly common for people to, not regret having children. But to know they wouldn't have them if they had their time again

As my kids get older I love more in some ways and hate it more in others. I do love my kids. But I am not sure I would have them if I had my time again.

Were you using contraception when you got pregnant with the third?

[quote Glassofshloer]@regularbutnamechangedd yes but the basic premise stays the same - work, family, fun, whatever hobbies you do etc.

Do you regret having children?[/quote]
I have no idea what I would be doing right now if I hadn't had them, so how can I say I regret them? I might be on a tube train packed with commuters, or in the gym, or in a crack den.

@regularbutnamechangedd but that also means you can’t say you dont regret them doesn’t it?

[quote Glassofshloer]**@regularbutnamechangedd* but that also means you can’t say you dont* regret them doesn’t it?[/quote]
Yes, that was my point. Regret is pointless.

OP you did your best and gave them a good life, therefore you were a good mum. Don't listen to the people who berate your for your honesty. Many mothers probably feel similar, you can love your children and not love parenting them.

I don't have kids, never had the urge, and I'm glad I didn't give in to societal pressure. I also see how worn out and stressed my mother still is with us even though we are all grown ups - she takes on all our problems, and my brother gave her so much stress over the years it was ridiculous(think drugs, violence, police involvement) Then my sister got pregnant as a teenager and my parents had to support her, I was a bitch as a teenager, and then went travelling abroad in my 20's and they always worried about me.

Overall I think their dreams of a quiet, relaxing, affluent retirement were scuppered by our antics.

And now when my parents are elderly and getting ill, my brother doesn't even contact them anymore. I know my mum is heartbroken. You can put so much into your kids and they can still turn out to be selfish.

Plus, they don't just stop needing you at 18, I don't think its possible to switch off the caring mode, even when they are adults, it's a lifetime job.

@regularbutnamechangedd many emotions are pointless, doesn’t mean we don’t feel & discuss them nonetheless.

@LadyCampanulaTottington

Also to add… I really really dislike children. I would pay premium to be in child free spaces like hotels, flights, restaurants etc.

What don't you like about them? Genuine question

Seems very odd to say you loathe children and being a mother but you decided to keep a third child

What on earth would make somebody who feels this way decide on the third child?

Seems very unfair to bring a child into the world when you already feel this way after your first two who must have been around ten at that point

OP do you think you are reflecting on this now because your years of drudgery are coming to an end? My DDs are 15 and 11 and I don't feel I need to parent them in a 'hands-on' way anymore.

Now that they are independent (or at least more self-sufficient) are you looking back at the exhaustion of the last two decade and thinking WTF was that about?

I think it's valid to spend some time thinking about it but then you need to put it aside and start to think about your post little kid life. What do you want to do with your time now you aren't wiping noses and bums?

You are so brave. Thanks for being honest - there needs to be more of this out there (anonymously so the kids of those mothers don't know like you have done) but young women need to know this stuff. And young men I guess but it is mostly women that this stuff falls on, isnt it?

"Brave" Ffs

Why did you allow an unplanned pregnancy if you hated being a mum to your older two? Why not set up proper contraception as a priority as your first two were making you so unhappy?

@noirchatsdeux

^To the people asking why I had kids - well this is the one that causes me so much regret. You see I grew up in an ultra conservative strict and religious household where the predetermined path was to essentially be a baby making machine. Add to that I am the daughter of two very narc parents and I didn't know who I even was never mind that I had my own needs and wishes. I went along with what was expected of me^

Your story is my story...right up to the very last line. My last line would be 'I refused to go along with what was expected of me'.

I knew from a very young age that no way on Earth would I have children. I made sure I had relationships/marriages with men who felt the same way. I've been pregnant twice, terminated twice and have never felt zero regret.

My two brothers have not had children of their own, either.

I thank you for being brave enough to post this. We need more women to admit that they just plain don't want children...and we need even more that other women to show support by not questioning their decision.

Can I ask what your relationship with your parents is like now? Is there any acknowledgment that your upbringing has led to all three of you deciding not to have children?

Do your love your children, despite hating parenting?

Would you press a button that meant they didn't exist, even if you would remember that they had existed?

Sorry you feel this way. I guess hang in there for the next 8 years? I hope it’s becoming more socially acceptable to stop at one, because to me it seems absolute madness to have a second (I appreciate you said your third was not planned) when you are not enjoying being a mother. On what planet is having an only child worse than having multiple children if you don’t like parenting?