I loathe children, and being a mum AMA

[Daughterofanarc11]

This isn't your usual post natal depression manifesting as intense negative feelings . I have been a mother now for two decades and not one day goes by where i don't regret that fact.
I know am very much diff in my thinking to most women and anticipate some difficult opinions ( but hopefully just an open and honest dialogue).

So you don't loathe children or hate being a Mum. You hate the societal roles imposed on Mothers as the primary caregiver. Many families find ways to change the roles so each partner is happy. If your children dropped dead today you wouldn't be happy so you can't say you hate them. You just need some therapy to help you understand this. Also it didn't help that you had a child late in life otherwise you would just have two self stuff adult children now that you could enjoy. Count your blessings

Oh and fwiw, I adore my kids but I think motherhood is a mugs game!

Best quote ever!! I think it's perfectly fine to say you love your children but despise the soul destroying tedium that goes into parenting. There are enjoyable moments of course but those are counterbalanced by the overwhelming repetitiveness, boredom and relentless self-sacrifice that motherhood entails.

OP I don't come from a religious or cultural background where many children are to be expected and I was fortunate enough to pull the screeching handbrake at 1. I adore DD and have a lot of support from family but would rather catch covid than do it all over again.

Have your adult children moved out of home, and if so what is your relationship with them like now?

Like a pp said, I don't think you loathe children. You certainly don't loathe your own...if you did, you could have walked away. Instead you sacrificed your own happiness for them. Sounds like you just hate the drudgery and tedium. Loads of us do. I probably wouldn't have kids if I could live my life all over again. It's a shit ton of hard work.

OP - no judgement at all, but I’m just curious why you went on to have more children if motherhood really wasn’t for you? Was it pressure from DH or society etc?

OP - sorry realised you answered this already!!

Sorry still can't get around the fact you've had three. Having two I can kind of get...but the third one years later, there are options if you don't want to continue a pregnancy and yet you brought another unwanted child into the world.

Being a Mother is a thankless task and people Disneyfying it doesn’t help. I lobe my children unconditionally but I hated motherhood.

I do worry with threads like this that we’ll all end up in the mirror again!

I haven't read the thread yet so sorry for posting prematurely but OP thank you so much for starting this thread.

I don't have kids am currently TTC and keep wandering if I'm making a huge mistake. As I'm ambivalent about it all, and then wonder why I keep trying - am also struggling with infertility but don't know if it's a warning to tell me to leave it alone.

Anyway, I wanted to ask - before you had kids were you ambivalent or were you the sort of person that had the 'biological urge' to have them and then became disappointed after?

I also respect and admire your bravery for this post

Do/did you love them?

We all can't help how we feel but can help how we act whilst having those feelings. As long as your children don't know you regret it, it doesn't matter.

Hi OP, it's ashame you haven't responded much to individual questions as I'd really like to hear more from you. If you swipe right ok a post it then gives you the option to reply to the individual post if it helps!

@A580Hojas

Hope you stopped at one! Hope your child is settled in their adult life and is able to cope with the legacy of their unhappy childhood.

@A580Hojas Oh piss off. Just because you don't enjoy something doesn't mean you can't do a perfectly good job at it, and that includes motherhood.

Why did you start an AMA thread but then hardly answer any questions?

@floppybit

Why did you start an AMA thread but then hardly answer any questions?

I have to agree with this!

@conceptionisdraining

I also respect and admire your bravery for this post

I don't. OP should have posted in the chat, parenting or even AIBU thread. Instead she posts in AMA and answers almost nothing.

@floppybit

Why did you start an AMA thread but then hardly answer any questions?

This

@RedRec

"Brave" Ffs

What is wrong with you? If more people were honest like this, perhaps future generations wouldn't feel this is their only choice and there would be fewer unhappy children in the world. Get over yourself.

I’m not surprised that the OP has stopped responding, when some posters have been pretty nasty. It’s a shame because I think it’s important to acknowledge that some women feel like this. Maybe lots of women, but we don’t get to find out because they get so much abuse that even on an anonymous forum it’s not worth it.

@Wheresmywoolyjumpers, are you new to Mn? There are quite regular threads from women who deeply regret having children and are prepared to be frank about it in the space of an anonymous forum. The unusual thing about this is one is that the OP chose to put it in AMA.

@conceptionisdraining

I haven't read the thread yet so sorry for posting prematurely but OP thank you so much for starting this thread.

I don't have kids am currently TTC and keep wandering if I'm making a huge mistake. As I'm ambivalent about it all, and then wonder why I keep trying - am also struggling with infertility but don't know if it's a warning to tell me to leave it alone.

Anyway, I wanted to ask - before you had kids were you ambivalent or were you the sort of person that had the 'biological urge' to have them and then became disappointed after?

OP, I was childfree (in the sense of having made a firm decision not to have a child), then decided, after a period of ambivalence, to ttc aged 39, and conceived immediately. DS is now nine, and wonderful. I suppose what I'm saying is that in my experience, ambivalence isn't that bad a place to come at having a child from -- it means you've thought around the negatives, and aren't in a rose-coloured fug about it all. (In my case, I was unsurprised by the grimness of the early months, where I did think I'd made a huge mistake. Life improved exponentially when I went back to work, and I never considered another child. I've never been broody. Like a couple of pps, I saw the way my mother's life was with a large family, and didn't want that for myself. I just concluded it would be more interesting for me, personally, to have a child than not. (Everyone was terribly susprised.)

Having said that, I conceived the first month of trying -- I'm not sure either DH or I would have kept trying for long, and we were both clear from the start we were never going to explore IVF.

I don't think ambivalence suggests anything about how suited you are to parenthood, and neither does your struggle to conceive. I suppose it's worth thinking about how badly you want this, though. And to have very serious conversations with your partner about the basics of life with a child -- for instance, I was quite clear that I would never consider giving up work, and that I wasn't going to be any kind of 'default parent', that DH needed to be equally hands on, and equally the one doing childminder drop-offs and pick ups etc.

I'm also quite clear on the fact that I would have had an equally valid and fulfilling life had we not had DS.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

@Boood

I’m not surprised that the OP has stopped responding, when some posters have been pretty nasty. It’s a shame because I think it’s important to acknowledge that some women feel like this. Maybe lots of women, but we don’t get to find out because they get so much abuse that even on an anonymous forum it’s not worth it.

Most posters have been pretty supportive. My guess is the op realised she doesn't actually loathe children, she's just like loads of us and is fed up of the drudgery of motherhood... therefore there's not much else to say . I could be wrong of course. Come back op and tell us!

[quote MilkTooth]@Wheresmywoolyjumpers, are you new to Mn? There are quite regular threads from women who deeply regret having children and are prepared to be frank about it in the space of an anonymous forum. The unusual thing about this is one is that the OP chose to put it in AMA.[/quote]
@MilkTooth - I haven't seen any others, but don't spend a lot of time on here. But am glad to see it discussed anywhere. Not sure why calling someone brave for discussing it would give someone cause to be rude though.

@Boood. Absolutely. The vaunting of the motherhood is an aspect of the patriarchy I believe. Now women eel they have more choices and it is not ok to say they can't choose, it has to go underground.

Thanks for your honesty.

My question is: How common do you think these feelings are among women with children? It's such a taboo subject, so very difficult to get a true sense of how common it is.

@Kouoks

Thanks for your honesty.

My question is: How common do you think these feelings are among women with children? It's such a taboo subject, so very difficult to get a true sense of how common it is.

As pp have said, it's not really a taboo subject on MN. There are countless threads on this theme.