I loathe children, and being a mum AMA

[Daughterofanarc11]

This isn't your usual post natal depression manifesting as intense negative feelings . I have been a mother now for two decades and not one day goes by where i don't regret that fact.
I know am very much diff in my thinking to most women and anticipate some difficult opinions ( but hopefully just an open and honest dialogue).

Loathing the labour of child raising (especially dealing with the inanity of schooling) makes a lot of sense, but I don't understand hating children themselves (especially your own).

If you hate it that much why not abort an unplanned pregnancy?

This isn't your usual post natal depression manifesting as intense negative feelings

What is it you don’t like? Do you not like your children as people or did you loathe the day to day?

How does your partner feel? Did he share in the parenting? And we’re you a SAHM? What would you have done with your life differently if you didn’t have kids

@Daughterofanarc11

This isn't your usual post natal depression manifesting as intense negative feelings . I have been a mother now for two decades and not one day goes by where i don't regret that fact. I know am very much diff in my thinking to most women and anticipate some difficult opinions ( but hopefully just an open and honest dialogue).

This isn't your usual post natal depression manifesting as intense negative feelings * * Sorry OP, but that's exactly what it is. Not PND, but trauma and the feelings resulting from that. Getting pregnant was a trauma response. Keeping your babies was a trauma response. Your feelings towards raising them...trauma response.

You've simplified it in your head but there so so much to unpick.

What is stopping you from prioritising your own mental health, particularly now two of your children are adults?

However I LOATHED the job of parenting - parent teacher meetings, school uniforms, homework, packed lunches, after school activities…. Day after day after day. Relentless, mind numbing and so boring
I hated that bit too. Looking back I would reduce the amount of afterschool activities my kids did. However there is so much more to parenting than that though that is fantastic and stimulating.

Are you pro life then? it’s possible to not personally want to terminate a pregnancy but still be pro choice for others

Yes of course...I'm aware of that. I'm just interested in the ops perspective...and why she continued with the pregnancy of her third unplanned child when she clearly dislikes motherhood? Especially as there is a large gap between them and her elder children...seems like madness to prolong the duration of having small children

@Comedycook

Oh and fwiw, I adore my kids but I think motherhood is a mugs game!

I'm a bit offended, you have called every mum on this forum and in the world a mug.

I've 2, we always wanted children, We struggled for our first.
It's hard, but it's worth it.
I'm trying for my third...

it's not for everyone, I'm not about to start calling people mugs for not having them or for having them and not wanting them.
What I will say is, people out there struggle for children, some never having any, give the children a better home where their existence isn't regretted and where two adults would be over joyed to love them!

I'm a bit offended, you have called every mum on this forum and in the world a mug

You are being rather literal there

Dear OP,

I understand what it is to have not had the life you could have. I was abused and spent until around maybe 30 not knowing who I was or that I had any choices or any agency.

I congratulate you for doing well under those circumstances.

However....now we are older and wiser women, the time has come to take a step back and consider ourselves and make changes. I urge you to firstly take time out to think and analyse, give and see a good listener who will help you get into what you lost, what is gone forever and what you could claw back. X

@Daughterofanarc11

To the people asking why i had kids - well this is the one that causes me so much regret. You see i grew up in an ultra conservative strict and religious household where the predetermined path was to essentially be a baby making machine. Add to that i am the daughter of two very narc parents and i didnt know who i even was never mind that i had my own needs and wishes. I went along with what was expected of me.

However I knew something wasn’t right when i suffered debilitating panic attacks in my first pregnancy.

Its been a few years in therapy where i have grown and healed but it kills me that i didn't know what i know now. That i had a choice.

This is so sad and makes sense. Why don’t you stop being a martyr and do things that make you happy?

Oh I feel you OP. I love them, of course I do, but most of the time I feel very trapped and I'm just exhausted by the mundanity of parenting. I can't say that in real life but it's been so good to read that others feel the same as I do

^To the people asking why I had kids - well this is the one that causes me so much regret. You see I grew up in an ultra conservative strict and religious household where the predetermined path was to essentially be a baby making machine.
Add to that I am the daughter of two very narc parents and I didn't know who I even was never mind that I had my own needs and wishes. I went along with what was expected of me^

Your story is my story...right up to the very last line. My last line would be 'I refused to go along with what was expected of me'.

I knew from a very young age that no way on Earth would I have children. I made sure I had relationships/marriages with men who felt the same way. I've been pregnant twice, terminated twice and have never felt zero regret.

My two brothers have not had children of their own, either.

I thank you for being brave enough to post this. We need more women to admit that they just plain don't want children...and we need even more that other women to show support by not questioning their decision.

Totally get you OP, I just spent my time reassuring myself that I would have my life back when they grew up, I didn't factor in DH failing health, DS1 having MH issues and not having the money either...if I had my time again I wouldn't have kids.

@coldwarenigma

Totally get you OP, I just spent my time reassuring myself that I would have my life back when they grew up, I didn't factor in DH failing health, DS1 having MH issues and not having the money either...if I had my time again I wouldn't have kids.

I wouldn't have children either, similar to you, didn't factor in failing health, sen, just how much time/money they still need/cost, in late teens

Thanks for your honesty OP, as much as I love my DC, I hate to admit it but I sometimes feel the same.

@Comedycook

Oh and fwiw, I adore my kids but I think motherhood is a mugs game!

I think this too on my down days!

I swore blind I’d be married before I had kids, I’ve never been married I’m a single parent to 2. Sometimes the monotony is awful. No one to say DC did x at skl, or get a mans perspective on DS stuff he gets up to. But DS has recently moved out so I pat myself on the back that he didn’t do anything that involved the police, has been stupid and got pissed a few times but nothing major. Now it’s just me and DD and we plod along and deal with drama when it happens.
I hate other people’s kids they annoy me with their high pitched voices and fighting.

@coldwarenigma

Totally get you OP, I just spent my time reassuring myself that I would have my life back when they grew up, I didn't factor in DH failing health, DS1 having MH issues and not having the money either...if I had my time again I wouldn't have kids.

So you didn't factor in life happening? Was that not, perhaps, your error?

@Daughterofanarc11

Thank you Lady Tottington

“How can you assume the child/children are unhappy?

I feel exactly the same as OP. Adore my now adult child, gave her a wonderful childhood full of love, laughter, fun and support.

However I LOATHED the job of parenting - parent teacher meetings, school uniforms, homework, packed lunches, after school activities…. Day after day after day. Relentless, mind numbing and so boring.

Quite a common sentiment if I’m not mistaken”

EXACTLY this !!

OP I wouldn't bother with A580hojas who's claimed your children are unhappy. She's a sanctimous poster who goes about lecturing others on their 'life sins' and has never put a step wrong in her life.

regular yes, totally, I was young, very naive, I hadn't had anything to to with children, I was in the youngest section of my family. The first baby I ever held was my own.

@coldwarenigma

regular yes, totally, I was young, very naive, I hadn't had anything to to with children, I was in the youngest section of my family. The first baby I ever held was my own.

Do you know for absolute certain that you would have been happier without them? You can't know that.

Sanctimonious*

Stupid autocorrect.

@regularbutnamechangedd well presumably the poster had a life before children so knows what it’s like not to have them