I’m the aromantic asexual who’s thread was taken down and I don’t even know why AMA!

[IWillFindYou]

So I posted it, checked day later no questions, next thing it’s gone.
I have no idea what happened or was said.

So, let’s do this again.

@IWillFindYou

What would be your perfect relationship with a life partner? If you remove the romantic part what does that actually mean in terms of how you'd want to be with each other?

So a great job would be a sex worker since you wouldn't care what they looked like at all..

Except that being a sex worker is never a good option for anyone.

@MLMbotsno

So you feel no romantic or sexual attraction to others. You have no libido for others. Fine your body, your emotions, your choice.

I imagine you share the traits of thousands or even millions of overworked, overstressed individuals who just want a cup or tea and a sleep.

I can't answer for OP, but for me, it goes further than being a bit over worked and tired.

Think back to when you were a teen, 16-18 whatever age you were discovering sex and getting dirty thoughts and fantasies and feeling about whomever.

So you're in a room with 5 other people, a celeb comes in TV, for arguments sake well say Keanu Reeves.. you and 3 of the others start getting feelings, looking at him and thinking he's so good looking, you light imagine what it's like to be in his arms, feeling his fingers down your back, wondering what it'd be like to sleep with him because he's just amazing to look at.

But 1 of the teens looks at Keanu and sees no e of that, just sees a blob of flesh no different than Ricky Tomlinson. There's no feeling, no imagining, no wondering. Keanu is just a person... Now imagine never having those feelings when looking at any celebrity in the TV during your formative years... But learning that if you keep saying you don't fancy that person, you get teased, so you begin to fake it.
You pick a celeb at random and they're the one you'll pretend you like... Chesney Hawkes... When really you loom at him and feel as much for him as you do for Margaret Thatcher or the queen.

Roll on till your 42. You've pretended and lied and had relationships, even had kids. But still there's a distinct lack of feeling for anyone and the world wide obsession with sex baffles you, it's just sticky and moist and messy and you'd rather have a cuppa and biscuit...

Welcome to my life.
Only I have no desire for affection, companionship, sex, friends, human contact of any kind. Which, imo, is slightly different to asexual / aromantc.

Some absolute prick responses on this thread. No, OP doesn't think she's better than those who are sexual and romantic. She's just putting forth her experience of something that is quite far outside the 'norm'. Move onto another thread rather than be an absolute dick eh

God why are previous commenters being so rude?? How obnoxious of them

I'd also love to know why the thread was removed, hate how there's such lack of transparency with MM moderation 😡

Sorry for the response you're getting OP, it's possibly because many people are so self absorbed they can't possibly imagine what it's like being asexual.

Do you ever feel like you're missing out?

@Wotwhywhen thanks for actually describing this, OP seems a bit woolly about everything but you've been specific which is useful.
How does your lack of desire for affection, companionship, friends, human contact, etc. manifest with your children? Are you basically only pretending you care about them all the time (which they would obviously see through), or do you just not bother? Or are they an exception?

Last time I looked at the other thread there were a lot of questions but no answers at all. I asked a question. Forgotten what it was now

@LateDecemberBackInLowB12

Are people irl as dismissive as they are on here with "You just haven't met the right one" type attitudes?

Do you find it easier to deal with those people now you're a bit older and have a name for the way you feel?

Most I get is the occasional, casual ”When you get a boyfriend (this has always been funny to me, the assumption that I’m straight), when you get married, when you have kids”.

And I just stare eyes wide open in silence.
I never understood how it’s so done deal that this is what everyone wants/does.

Granted, in my small family, that is what everyone has done.
But still….

When I was a younger these comments scared me, because I thought I’d HAVE TO DO these things.

@IWillFindYou
How do you define "romantic"?
You say you have a "high libido"- how does that manifest alongside a complete lack of attraction to other people? Is it just a purely physical need to masturbate? Like an itch to scratch? Or is there more to it than that?

Hello,

I am genuinely interested in your answers here because while asexuality makes perfect sense to me, I think people are defining "aromantic" in lots of different ways so I never quite know what people mean by it. To me, a "romantic" feeling is obviously something that can coexist with a sexual feeling, but it absolutely doesn't have to so one can feel romantic about friends, for example; hence the whole concept of "romantic friendship". So if you want a life partner, who is a best mate, who you've chosen to spend your life with, who you like the best, but you don't want to have sex with them, that makes perfect sense to me, but how is it not romantic? Isn't that what romance is? What do you think romance is?

Maybe I'm just aromantic myself but I have no idea what the weird "other" thing is that would make a close friendship without sex (especially of the best-mates, possessive type) into a romantic asexual relationship.

I thought I understood what you meant and saw you said 'never had sex and never wanted to' but then you said you have 'too high of a sex drive'. It all sounds very complicated.

[quote Wroxie]@Wotwhywhen thanks for actually describing this, OP seems a bit woolly about everything but you've been specific which is useful.
How does your lack of desire for affection, companionship, friends, human contact, etc. manifest with your children? Are you basically only pretending you care about them all the time (which they would obviously see through), or do you just not bother? Or are they an exception?[/quote]
I don't want to trample on OPs thread.
But I'll quickly answer this.

In my past, I had to fake sexual attraction and interest. That's not really relevant with my daughter... Be a bit weird if it was.. so I love her as any parent loves their child.

The only difference she has noticed is the lack of visitors and friends I have. Some of her friends at school have house fulls of friends and visitors and aunts and uncles and such... That would drive me insane. 😂

@EmbarrassingAdmissions

OP - is there a shared understanding of what asexual or aromantic means?

There's a current thread in elsewhere from someone who is asexual but that seems to exclude NPV sex (in that sex) rather than an absence of sexual activity.

A quick Google indicates there are asexual dating apps/sites (I've no idea how well populated or used they are).

Likewise, there seem to be an absence of a shared understanding of what aromantic means because it seems to be highly individualised.

It’s pretty much established in the communities that it’s about lack of atrraction, not about the action.

So people can have little to no sexual or romantic attraction, but still have sex or a relationship.
Personally, I don’t understand, and this is the reason I’m really carefull when going to ace/aro sites.

I don’t care to read about people having sex. Asexual or not.

I have mostly spend time on asexual communities, so I’m not very knowledgeable what has been talked in aromantic side.

There are asexual dating apps (not in my county unfortunately) and sites (not much going on there).

KateTheEighth

"I'm not really sure what to ask tbh

I don't like Grand Prix and I'm not keen on mangoes but I wouldn't start a thread on it"

I love mangoes. When I was a kid my mum thought I was allergic to them because I had a rash once when I ate one. Luckily, I'm not

I find this topic interesting, and even more so because it's clearly hit a raw nerve with so many pps!

My question is: when you say you have a high libido but no sexual attraction to people, what exactly does that mean? Do you have sexual relationships with anyone or do you mean you fantasise about sex but you don't actually want to do it in reality?

Do you mind being the way you are or do you wish you had sexual and romantic feelings for people?

I saw the original thread and there were loads of questions. I’m wondering what was so wrong with the thread that it needed to be deleted

have you adopted/fostered a child?

@NannyOggsward

I’m not sure I get it. I get you don’t fancy anyone/have sexual feelings.

But I don’t get how you want a life partner, assuming that person to be someone you love? So if it’s not romantic/sexual then it can be male and female, someone who loves you and you love back? But doesn’t expect sex?

So a best friend who isn’t allowed other friends as that’s the only commitment you can give each other?

Sounds a bit selfish sorry x

Of course they can have friends!

No it’s more like we have home together, we are committed to share and build a life together, we go family gatherings etc. as, I guess the word would be couple, but not quite.
It just isin’t sexual.
But we deeply care about eachother.

And for some it can be man or woman.
For me, they would have to be a woman.
Not interested in men at all.

The point is to find someone like that, compatible, not to deprive someone from anything.
No, no, no.
They would want the same thing.

@GemmaRuby

Really don’t understand the aggression. For comparison, there is another AMA thread entitled “I don’t like mince”. No-one has written that they couldn’t care less that OP doesn’t like mince… but some how everyone who “really doesn’t care” has found the time to let this OP know just how much they don’t care! Sad bastards.

Give it time for the mince thread, someone will come along to say they don't care.

As for OP, I wonder how you know this is a lifetime thing?
I mean I'm not asexual but there have been periods of my life I could and did give up on sex. Currently in a phase (caused by menopause) where sex is anathema to me and it's been a few years now, no end in sight.
But there have been previous times lasting years where sex was not something I wanted although I also didnt want a partner either at those times. So I suppose at those times I was aromantic too.
Then plenty of times in between when this was the furthest possible description of me.
I think I'm asking how at the tender age of 35 do you know this is your life?
And what are your chances of finding someone similar? Does it have to be a male or female ?
Can you not just live your life alone, plenty of people still do for many reasons.

I've reported the mince thread. Breathtakingly pathetic to mock someone sharing their experience.

@IWillFindYou, I don't know why I can't quote you but:

"No it’s more like we have home together, we are committed to share and build a life together, we go family gatherings etc. as, I guess the word would be couple, but not quite.
It just isin’t sexual.
But we deeply care about eachother.

And for some it can be man or woman.
For me, they would have to be a woman.
Not interested in men at all."

...but how is that not a romantic asexual relationship? I genuinely don't understand. You have perfectly described a romantic friendship.

I'm not sure how you can be asexual with a "too high sex drive"?

If you have a sex drive you're sexual. By definition.

What's made you think you're asexual? Does it just mean that you're only interested in masturbation on your own? That's still a form of sex life.

Could it be an avoidant personality disorder, or just extreme avoidant attachment style?

@NannyOggsward

Also (on a roll) how do you know you won’t have romantic feelings towards someone? I can’t remember how to love someone, I don’t think this is because I cannot love, it’s just that I haven’t truly experienced it.

Sex yes that’s clear, you either fancy people and get the urge or you don’t.

I agree, this is more difficult one.

I don’t know how you thought anout relationship when you were a kid, but I always wanted to live with my (then) best friend and have a life with her.
But as we grew up, I realised that people around me wanted more/different looking relationships.

What I have to offer wasn’t enough.
And they moved on.
I didn’t.

Have you ever been particularly involved with the asexual community online?

The healthiest serious relationship I've ever been in was an aromantic/asexual quasiplatonic relationship, it's so nice to hear of others who want the same thing. While my relationship with sex and relationships has changed a lot over the years and I'd now consider myself an asexual lesbian, the acceptance and community I felt with other aroaces helped me so much in that time.

Also, I'm sorry about all the nasty posts. I don't see how this is any different from any of the other sex/relationship-based AMAs, and there seems to be little issue with any of those! I'm glad you're getting some better questions now