My partner is addicted to crack and heroin AMA

[Adventuritis]

Just want to be able to help if anyone has suspicions about a loved one...
There are so many misconceptions.

Leave him. You're enabling his addiction by being so accepting of it. He needs professional help and only he can ask for that when he's ready.
I was disgusted when I read that he relies on donations from homeless charities for clothes, etc. I wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone with such loose morals.

Op how old is your DP , does he hang out with friends or other relatives except you ? Do you have family and does your family know of his drug addiction what do they think of you being with him

My brother is a cocaine addict. He stole £1100 from me in the space of a couple of months. Lied to us about getting help and being clean. Is probably about to lose his job, although I don't know because I haven't spoken to him for a month. He's avoiding me because of the money. He's had several thousand pounds off his enabling girlfriend who can't seem to understand she is not helping him, she is harming him. We have tried loving him, supporting him, being angry at him, crying. Nothing trumps his addiction. I have nightmares about him getting the crap kicked out of him because he can't pay his dealers, or a knock at the door telling us something terrible has happened. I've had to set up credit alerts for myself and my parents because he might try to get credit in our names. My parents have had to change their locks and he can't be trusted in the house on his own (not that he goes there anymore). It pains me to think of him destroying himself like this. We had a normal, happy childhood - how did this happen? Most of the time I'm doing fine and then the grief just takes my breath away in an instant. I told him if I didn't get that money back we were done, but that wasn't enough and that hurts like hell.

OP you need to get out now, this will not end well.

God! So many answers to give!! Sorry that I'm not getting through them all ... I'll try! One point though he doesn't "steal" from homeless charities, he is technically homeless so entitled to everything he gets. Anyone who is either rough sleeping, sofa surfing or in emergency accommodation is technically homeless in the eyes of the law and homeless charities help all of these people. Of all the rough sleepers I know, only two are not drug users, the charities are fully aware of this and in their eyes it makes them no less deserving. In our town there is soup kitchen provision every day from various charities alongside food banks etc.

You certainly are getting some very strongly worded replies Adventuritis!!
I suspect you may have been prepared for that to be the case since this is a heavy and emotive subject.
I hope you take the best possible care of yourself, maybe keep a journal so that you've got it to refer to in the future should you ever want to re-examine things.

@Yohoheaveho

You certainly are getting some very strongly worded replies Adventuritis!! I suspect you may have been prepared for that to be the case since this is a heavy and emotive subject. I hope you take the best possible care of yourself, maybe keep a journal so that you've got it to refer to in the future should you ever want to re-examine things.

To be honest the reason I started this thread was because when I first found myself in this situation it was really hard to find actual answers apart from those on drug advice websites which are quite generalised. I genuinely thought I'd someone had suspicions about a child or friend or whatever... they could ask a specific question and maybe I could help! Totally misjudged that didn't I!?! I am a little surprised at people's strength of feeling against my situation but in all honesty I would probably have felt the same a few years ago - I have always been very anti-drugs. Everyone is entitled to their opinion- just like everyone is entitled to chose how to live their life. I'd love to reply to every comment ... it'll take time though!

I'm not especially anti-drugs but I do recognise that the more powerful ones can take you over quite quickly, there's often an element of riding a tiger, kidding yourself that there is an elusive sweet spot and that you can find and capture that happy medium

You should answer the questions in your own head.
Don't worry if you don't come back and update us on the thread but I think you should ask yourself why your bar is so low and why you cannot walk away and why you think this situation you got yourself in to is better than being single!

What hobbies and projects and passions do you have OP?

You have always been anti-drugs and yet you have found yourself in a relationship with a man addicted to two hard drugs.

Do you feel that people like you don't get to manifest better lives just because they want them? (I used to feel like that, that having a standard was all very well for other people. That they could walk away from something shit and that in time, something better would materialise, but that that sort of thing never worked out for ''people like me''. I had a low self-esteem. Stayed with a man who hit me and shouted at me for about 5 year.

Benefits don’t pay £350 a week to a single adult!

Even the enhanced pip rate, the enhanced mobility element and ESA instead of basic universal credit would leave him £100 a week short...

Where’s he getting the extra £100 and how is he paying for anything else?

@OwlLovesTea

It's all about him :-/ OP how can this be better than being single?

It's not all about him. Technically this thread is because that's the subject but my life certainly isn't. I love my job and have good friends and I never let his lifestyle affect that. He only gets a part of me ... there is still plenty left for me and I spend time and energy doing things I enjoy. The comments in this thread have made me out to be a rather pathetic co-dependent victim it that's honestly not the case. I do what I can and maybe some people think that's too much or maybe not enough but I always make sure I'm ok,well more than ok!

@Gettingthereslowly2020

Leave him. You're enabling his addiction by being so accepting of it. He needs professional help and only he can ask for that when he's ready. I was disgusted when I read that he relies on donations from homeless charities for clothes, etc. I wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone with such loose morals.

No need to be disgusted- he's homeless and exactly the type of person these charities aim to help!

@Adventuritis try sober recovery forum friends and family for advice.
People who are living your life and have done for years.
I've also lived it, my sons bio dad is a heroin addict and smokes crack, although he's in recovery now so he says.
All I can say is try and really figure out why you are doing this to yourself.
It took me years to figure out but my god I'm glad I did and I haven't looked back

I don't know why he is still your partner especially if you say you are anti drugs

@Adventuritis very interesting discussion OP. Thankyou for being as open as you have been.

Does he have anything to do with your family/children? If so what level of interaction and do they know?

What is the atteaction in a homeless drug addict?

When you were choosing to be with him, i don't understand how you get past the bit where you think..." nice dark eyes , seems kind and funny, homeless and addicted to crack and heroin....just my type!!"

This thread is really disturbing.

What does this man, who does so many things that you disagree with, actually bring to your life? What do you get out of this relationship?

He gets all the good, clothing, toiletries he needs from homeless charities- which I also disagree with! Before I'm slated for that!

So you disagreed with it, and then hours later were defending it as he is the type of person they want to help . Calling this a wind up.

I think relationships are a two way street. If you needed help and support, or had a huge problem, would he actually be able to provide you with any practical or emotional help? I doubt it. It's all about him isn't it?

I get the impression your username is a hint to your real feelings about this man. This isn't a genuine relationship with a drug dependent person, it's some kind of warped adventure for you.

If you seriously wanted the best for him, why aren't you fighting to get him into recovery? Why aren't you trying to help him find some peace of mind?

Accepting his drug use and likening it to eating unhealthily/not taking enough exercise/being overweight and unfit, shows your incredible naivety.

I feel sorry for this man, it's as if he's your latest pet, and when you get bored you'll send him back to the shelter you found him in.

Agreed @MaelyssQ

This thread is dreadful.

I'm interested to know how or when you found out he was a user and did you feel completely betrayed by him hiding it?

Also how are you now spending time with a lot of heroin users? Are they his housemates or his friendship circle? The situation seems to have gone 360 from being oblivious to now being surrounded by it.

The bottom line is to stay on your guard. As you've discovered, addicts are liars and extremely secretive. I agree, addiction is a disease and should be treated as such but the lies and manipulation are part of the illness.

I've used drugs and would tell myself every excuse in the book to use. Addicts lie to themselves more than anyone else to justify things, whether thats taking drugs, refusing help, or justifying borrowing money, taking handouts. It's all deeply entrenched in denial and lies.

Do think carefully about getting in too deep with this guy and emotionally attached. Not just to protect yourself but because it's difficult to remove very involved emotional support from a drug addict without it seriously affecting their fragile mental health.

I understand you're heartbroken by the cruel hand he has been dealt in life but that shouldn't be a driving factor to becoming romantically involved.

@MaelyssQ

I get the impression your username is a hint to your real feelings about this man. This isn't a genuine relationship with a drug dependent person, it's some kind of warped adventure for you.

If you seriously wanted the best for him, why aren't you fighting to get him into recovery? Why aren't you trying to help him find some peace of mind?

Accepting his drug use and likening it to eating unhealthily/not taking enough exercise/being overweight and unfit, shows your incredible naivety.

I feel sorry for this man, it's as if he's your latest pet, and when you get bored you'll send him back to the shelter you found him in.

Agreed...actually an insult to people who are dealing with loved ones and addictions or suffering themselves. By misconceptions it's as if the op was here to say look it's ok if your dh/dd/ds shoots up 2 times a day in their bedroom just don't let them do it anymore than 3 that's taking taking the piss"

@SmileyClare

Do you think there's a part of you that not only wants the validation of rescuing someone, being the better person, due to your own low self esteem but also sees a romanticism in the idea of a "tortured soul"?

This was exactly the case for a friend of mine who got together with another friend of mine who's a lovely guy in many ways but also a hopeless junkie.

Needless to say, it didn't end well at all.

OP, my question is a rather personal one so feel free to ignore it!

How's the sex? Is it regular? Satisfying? Can he get fully hard?