My partner is addicted to crack and heroin AMA

[Adventuritis]

Just want to be able to help if anyone has suspicions about a loved one...
There are so many misconceptions.

You've never answered how old he is despite being asked a few times. I'm getting the impression you are significantly older than him?

Op you sound like a lovely, intelligent lady and your partner sounds lovely too. Best wishes for the future.

This sounds like the script for a Hollywood romcom with a quirky twist

You must have quite a saviour complex to stay in a relationship like this. I can not see what else you would get out of it.

OP can focus on somebody else to avoid asking herself all the really difficult questions.
Why am I accepting so little?
Why am I so afraid to just be single?
Am I anxious? Am I content?
Am I resilient? Do ai have a direction?
What do I want out of life?
How can I get close to that?

Being with an abusive man gave me no time to think about any of that.

It is a more similar issue than you might believe @Adventuritis
It's all distraction

@Edgeoftheledge

Op you sound like a lovely, intelligent lady and your partner sounds lovely too. Best wishes for the future.

Eh? Apart from detailing his addiction, benefits, and which charities he gets stuff from, OP has actually not said much about her partner's personality, interests (apart from shooting up) - whereabouts does he sound exceptionally lovely?

Sounds like a run of the mill bloke with a bad drug problem.

I've nodded along with everything you've said owl. And that's really what addiction is - sitting with ourselves is so horrible that we pin it on all these distractions (drugs, unsuitable men, risky behaviour) which are really just a red herring. You're both in a relationship where neither party can sit with their own selves.

I'm actually quite worried for you OP. I worry that soon it will occur to you that you're living as a drug addict (friends, partner etc) that you may as well just succumb to it and have the "perks" too? That's how the majority of women become addicts, through a boyfriend. The alternative is carrying on in a caring role as you are now, he probably already resents the fact that you limit his hits to 3 a day. Resentment and exploitation ALWAYS sets in between addict and co-d. How much money does he "borrow" from you per week? You're seeing his "best self" because he dictates the terms of your relationship.

He's lacklustre in his desire for sobriety - giving excuses and not engaging with professional help is just noise-making to keep you off his back. Addicts will say and do anything to keep their addiction safe, that's his all encompassing passion and sadly you won't come close. He's stringing you along by making just enough correct noises to make you think he's interested in recovery when his actions scream that he is not.

The only way this may work is if he went off and got clean on his own (assisted by appropriate services) and lived his recovery for a couple of years. Obviously the relationship dynamic would be very different then though, and he's expressed no desire to do this.

What's he like if he can't get his hit into his system? If he's been banging up for 20 years I expect his veins will be non-existent. Femoral vein IV? Can easily lose a leg doing that. IME men lash out violently and blame the woman when they fail to get a hit. I've had many a beating from men for this reason. Sulking when his dealer's phone is off or when you won't give money.

I've been a bit blunt, but I've felt a bit frustrated reading your thread, as I've had a lot of experience with drug addicted men, they all use the same script. I hope you're able to work it all out OP. But please bear in mind, it's highly unlikely he's honest with you about very much at all.

That's how the majority of women become addicts, through a boyfriend

Yes that crossed my mind too. It was certainly how I was introduced to it. He may not do that maliciously or with a game plan, in his warped addicted mind he might feel hes being kind, helping you feel good.

As adamant as you feel, there may come a time when you're feeling low, something traumatic and upsetting happens to you or you've just had a terrible day and the offer of a dab of this or a puff on that seems harmless because the whole thing has become very normalised to you. That's his solution to making things better.

Addicts will say or do anything to keep their addiction safe yes I agree. Even lying to themselves, I'll spend this money and then sort myself out, this will be the last time I get so messed up, I'm going to straighten out and start working more...blah blah blah.

I don't think you've quite experienced the dark side of addiction yet Op and your partner probably will go to some lengths to hide the ugly sordid side of things.

Personally I think it's sad how desperate some women are for male attention

OP, I could have written your post a few years ago. I didn't listen to the warnings from friends because I found my boyfriend fascinating and I thought that people simply didn't understand him. That's before I found out that he'd been lying to me, before he stole from me, before we got evicted from our flat, and before he ended up in hospital and getting sectioned after a suicide attempt. Heroin drives people to do horrible things. The fact that you said he would never share needles was very revealing of your naivety in my opinion. My ex was also adamant that he'd never share needles, and yet I found out that he had done exactly that and in the end I had to get a HIV and HepC test. Waiting for those test results was one of the most horrifying and lonely times of my life. There were many lovely moments in our relationship, but they don't make up for all the darkness and the nightmares that followed. You don't seem willing to listen to the advice on here, so all I can say is good luck.

Wise words Elfsmoke I certainly read op's words and thought, ah fuck this could go so wrong in ways you couldn't even imagine.

I don't want to preach anymore Op and this is AMA so I suppose my question would be Has this thread changed your perception of your situation Op? Or do you feel its been helpful?

Op won't be back. Maybe she thought that not enough people understand addicts are just nirm people too, or that she would help some people, which is commendable. But also naive tbh because it showed that prior to this bf she didn't think addicts were normal people either.

What she probably wasn't expecting was lots of people with real experience of addictions and addicts telling her it's not all sunshine and roses.

Either way - for your sake OP, I hope you're still reading even if you're not responding!

Mark Lanagan’s book is really interesting about his drug use.

Is your dp in the music industry? Or what was he doing before the drugs ?

I have to say that the fact you are totally anti drugs and have never done them makes me understand how you can be so accepting. You can’t have an idea of what’s he’s going through, I’ve done a lot of drugs but not crack or heroin, I’ve known a lot of people who do them and it’s just exhausting. Everything becomes about the drugs. It gets boring, there’s so much more to life than the inside of your head.

@formerbabe

Personally I think it's sad how desperate some women are for male attention

I feel this is unfair, the reasons that woman (and men) get trapped in dysfunctional relationships are complex. Humans generally speaking need attention from other humans, forming alliances is what we as a species are especially good at

Can you please tell your ages as I think it will be very telling or maybe you would prefer not to say

@Adventuritis

Thanks so much for sharing all this information and such personal part of your life.

@SmileyClare

Wise words Elfsmoke I certainly read op's words and thought, ah fuck this could go so wrong in ways you couldn't even imagine.

I don't want to preach anymore Op and this is AMA so I suppose my question would be Has this thread changed your perception of your situation Op? Or do you feel its been helpful?

This is exactly it, I don't think she "read the room" so to speak and expected mnet is in fact full of middle class who would be absolutely aghast at her experience but somehow come round to seeing addicts as normal people.

The reality is there are lots of people with experience of the dark reality of addiction and I don't think it's something she's really exposed to.

I hope she comes back. Sadly I don't think the replies will change anything for her.
My ex was also addicted to various hard drugs. I couldnt tell you what they were to be honest, but I know she used heroin, crack and also injected speed at various points.
The difference is she wasnt open with me about it.
It was a long, arduous journey and has left me mentally and physically scarred (& with a lifelong painful injury). I hope the OP gets out before any of that sort of thing (or similar) happens. :(

It's very common for addicts to believe that by moving to a new area they will be able to change their habits. It's called 'doing a geographical..'

This rarely has a positive outcome in real life. Same shit, different city.

It's a little strange that I have seen this thread now.

I don't have personal experience of living with an addict, but not far from my home a man has stood on the corner of two busy streets to beg for money. For years. I see him every single day as its on my route. Then he disappears for a while and then is back. Always a bit thinner and looking a bit worse for wear. A fair haired light skinned man, standing in our blazing sun (live in a hot country) and his skin looking more weathered as the months go by. People got to know him over the years, so so many people offered him a job, we all know he is a fully qualified mechanic, but at each offer he told everyone to get lost as he was able to get more money by begging. I hadnt seen him for a while over the chrismas period but saw him again last week. Again he asked me for money, I said no sorry but would he like a packet of crisps thst I had in the car. No he says only wants money. My reply as usual was sorry, and once again told me to get fucked.

Havent seen him for a few days and just this afternoon I received a whatsapp notification from our area councillor who had been trying to help him for years, to let us all know he was found dead this morning under a tree near his begging spot. He was 32. They go on to mention that he received honours at school, was a church going chap pre addiction. They also say what a bright man he was with the most amazing sense of humour, astute with inner spirit, but only when he was high. When he wasn't he was telling us all to get fucked with our job offers and packets of crisps.

I know this may not mean anything to you at all, as you say your partner is losing friends on a monthly basis. But this man was 32 years old.

How is your partner different from David? This man chose heroine over food. I watched him waste away over the years. He told me to go fuck myself for years because I didn't give him cash to buy his fix.

He didn't want any help. People tried over and over to help him. His family disowned him. All he wanted and needed was that fix.

Imagine finding someone you have tried to help for years and years to no avail, laying dead under his tree one random January morning.

Your post just came at a time when I'm feeling really quite fucking sad. This could be you one morning OP, finding someone you have put your all into for a long time, to no avail. And I'm afraid that will rip you to shreds.

Some vile replies on here.

Good luck to you both @Adventuritis. I hope you realise that getting clean is really only the first step. It's working out who you are without the drugs thats the tricky bit. I've five years now and it's still just as hard, if not harder now I'm trying to fit back into "normal" society without the old coping mechanisms.

He should tell his support worker that he is using on top and get his methadone script put up.

Isthismylife that's bloody sad.
I think a lot of addicts just go on that path of self destruction and it's really a slow suicide. Perhaps it was a relief for him. I don't know, but his story is a really common reality for addicts.

Do you worry about getting a disease from him ( if he uses needles) like hepatitis or hiv ?

No I am still here, just had busy couple of days so snatching a quick read between jobs and studying and don’t really know where to start with replies. I do understand that people are concerned about my wellbeing etc but I kind of feel that whatever I say will be taken negatively anyway. I’m interested in the comments from those with much more experience than myself either personally or first hand experience with friends and partners and I thank them for their input.
However I do think that I’ve been misjudged though as I’m certainly not “blasé” about the situation. I do understand that the addiction probably won’t end well for him but is it really that bad to let someone know they are supported and loved?
The comments saying I’m desperate for male attention are ridiculous! I was happily single for a couple of years before we met- probably the happiest I’ve ever been, but life throws surprises at you and things come up that you never would have predicted.
To the poster that asked if this thread has changed my perception of the situation the answer is that one thing I have realised is that of my 4 close friends who are aware of the situation, not one has warned me, or suggested I was doing the wrong thing. I take this as the people who actually know me well don’t believe I’m “desperate “ or “co-dependant” or most definitely not at risk of using drugs myself, because believe me they are the type of people who would voice any concerns!
There are many more things I could say but I just don’t think I’m coming across well. It’s hard to explain when there are so many comments to reply to.
For those who are worried about me - don’t be! I’m totally in control of my life, as much as anyone else anyway. I do manage to keep a kind of detachment although that will probably be jumped on as wrong but it’s hard to explain. I do support him and I do try to help him and support his efforts to get clean but not at the expense of my own sanity. He’s an adult and makes his own choices so I not going to feel bad if those choices are wrong. I can only say what I think and let him decide.
I will try and read through more and give better answers when I get a chance

@liverpool1981

Can you please tell your ages as I think it will be very telling or maybe you would prefer not to say

I'm 45 he's 40

You started an Ask Me Anything thread but now you say you won't answer the questions because anything you say will be taken negatively!

We just want to hear what you feel. You are articulate enough to put that in to a reply.

You have completely ruled out the possibility that you're co-dependent. Ok, but how much do you know about co-dependency? Have you read up on it? Listened to clips on youtube? listened to audibles about co-dependency?

Oh, and as a lady once said to me when my son told her her house smelled of dogs ''children! they tell you what your friends never will''.

Replace children with ''strangers on line''.

Your friends are not going to tell you what they really really think because you'd be defensive and hurt and that would harm the friendship.