My partner is addicted to crack and heroin AMA

[Adventuritis]

Just want to be able to help if anyone has suspicions about a loved one...
There are so many misconceptions.

For the record, and having been there, I cannot comprehend why she would want this person around her🤷🏻‍♀️

Would you or have you ever bought him drugs ?

For the record, and having been there, I cannot comprehend why she would want this person around her - Quite. And as for 'lecturing her; - she doesn't seem able to see beyond her nose at what is actually going on in her own life.

Maybe rather than a AMA she should be opening a thread entitled 'my BF is an Addict - what can I do to protect myself and getting the fuck out of this filthy, blood-strewn, mutually deadly lifestyle.'

But I don't think she wants to think about that. She wants to stay with her BF without thinking about what he actually IS.

Op I think you sound well intentioned, you want to help your partner, you're sympathetic to the "trap" he's in, the traumatic childhood which has led to his addictions is heart breaking and your kindness means you desperately want to support him now he's revealed his heroin habit.

I just felt I had to warn you (from my own experience)and open your eyes to the horrors, the reality of his lifestyle. I'm sorry if that comes across as patronising or critical.

I hope you don't feel attacked or lectured by the responses on here. Hopefully some of it has been helpful even though your thread didn't go as you planned and maybe it was hard to hear.

I think it was meant to be a question and answer thread for anyone who had suspicions a loved one is using and you thought you could advise others?

I'm sure in time you will be able to use your experience to help people in some way. You have a lot to give and that's a great quality.

@itsallpointless what’s made me jump in to lecture is that it feels exploitative.

If OP is as stable and grounded and sorted as she says, with absolutely no history of drug taking, what has drawn her to a partner and his social circle with such deep addictions.

She seems to want to be seen as a useful resource for people in relationships with drug addicts when actually there are already many places the families of addicts can find real, proper information, rather than a stranger on the internet who compares someone injecting speedballs 3 times a day to liking tea with oat milk a bit too much. Trying to normalise that kind of addiction causes so much harm.

It’s feels like saviour tourism.

But I appreciate my opinion is heavily coloured by my experience with addicts and the people who flocked to them. Without fail there were deep issues on both sides. OP would be a rare bird indeed if she was the exception to this.

@DuchessOfDoombar initially when I saw the post, I thought it was rather odd. Quite frankly, the last thing I wanted (speaking from a personal point of view) was for anyone to know what was happening in my life (apart from those who needed to know) the OP seems to want to 'normalise' it to a degree, and that is what I can't fathom.

I did actually ask the question why she would want this person around her, she didn't respond

@Adventuritis I would be interested in what your boundaries would be? What is unforgivable behaviour or your line in the sand? More interested in you than him tbh

Quick advanced search shows the op i a relationship with a man with unmedicated bipolar disorder. Seems there is a bit of pattern of behaviour.

She sees herself as a rescuer, perhaps? When the sexes are reversed, it's often seen as a control thing, the gallant knight saving the poor damsel.

If my DH was an addict, I would be throwing everything I could at trying to get them into a recovery programme, not trying to normalise the situation and compare it to liking a bit too many chocolate hobnobs now and again.

@Kittykat93

What's the point in starting an AMA but not actually really answering anything?? What questions were you expecting?

Good question. @Adventuritis what questions were you expecting? What questions would you have been comfortable answering?

I did actually ask the question why she would want this person around her, she didn't respond

@itsallpointless I suspect because the answer wouldn’t fit with the air of ‘it’s all very normal’ she’s projecting.

I feel very sad for OP. Going on trips away with her partner and the first port of call being ‘find homeless people to tip off where the drug dealers are’ not where the best ice cream or nicest view is.

And how do you develop a true emotional connection with someone who is always high specifically so they don’t have to be in their own heads.

Plus it’s so BORING to be around someone who is drunk or high when you are not and dealing with their constant fixation on when the next drink or hit is coming.

There is nothing normal about choosing to enter that lifestyle.

And how do you develop a true emotional connection with someone who is always high specifically so they don’t have to be in their own heads

I don't think you can, because drug addiction is about us creating a reality that feels better, resulting in the addict losing touch with who they are and creating a "persona" with the exaggerated traits that helped us successfully survive whatever trauma we're trying to mask. I'm just learning how to stop doing that (attempting to project a "better" persona to others) What you love now OP is a projection, like the Wizard of Oz when he's revealed behind the curtain.

• And I feel that you're complicit in helping him maintain this reality, and will also be projecting stuff from your own head onto him.

This is so hard to read.
OP you sound like a good person, you really do, but I'm just struggling to get my head around this.
I'm saying this as someone who does not have a squeaky clean past or who only knows people who have a drink at Christmas.
I'm not naive nor have I lead a sheltered life, not at all...I just don't get it.
How can this be who you want to be with? How can you be so okay with it?
It's not even so much the addiction, it's the way he's living his life.
Surely we all have some kind of tick list of what we want from a partner. Someone we want to be proud of. Someone who supports us, emotionally, physically...not necessarily financially.
Is he there for you? Is he in your corner? Can you talk to him or is it all about him? His issues, his problems, how you're going to help him?
I might be totally wrong, I'm just struggling to get it.

Yeh form of avoidance.

It would do the op the world of good to look back through this thread and answer questions put to her, privately if she wont tell us her answers

So many posts on here from hard personal experiences wishing everyone well

@GeidiPrimes

And how do you develop a true emotional connection with someone who is always high specifically so they don’t have to be in their own heads

I don't think you can, because drug addiction is about us creating a reality that feels better, resulting in the addict losing touch with who they are and creating a "persona" with the exaggerated traits that helped us successfully survive whatever trauma we're trying to mask. I'm just learning how to stop doing that (attempting to project a "better" persona to others) What you love now OP is a projection, like the Wizard of Oz when he's revealed behind the curtain.

True geidi and very well put... my ex was a pot head, first thing he did and last thing before bed, it came before all else probably costing minimum £20 per day. If he didn't have it he was godly awful, final straw was when he attacked me and the poor dog I was gone...When I look back now I realised the basis of our relationship was drugs, we did coke/pills together almost every weekend and lived in a little utopian bubble of bliss but in reality we were a horrible match and very bad for each other.

It's fairly odd with op as she doesn't/hasn't done drugs at all it's almost as if she's she support worker rather than partner, I also feel she may have a different view point had she tried drugs previously

@lockedownloretta

Quick advanced search shows the op i a relationship with a man with unmedicated bipolar disorder. Seems there is a bit of pattern of behaviour.

Could be the same person though...op did say she didn't know when she met him

My question would be does your parent ever consider the crime committed to get his drugs to him? The trafficking, rape, murder, violence?
That’s the bit I can’t abide.
Friends of mine who take illegal drugs say it’s just like alcohol... but my cider I’ve just bought didn’t involve a god awful drugs trade.
Anyway, you sound supportive of him and very compassionate:
I just hope he never takes you down with him. Stay strong Op.

My question would be does your parent ever consider the crime committed to get his drugs to him? The trafficking, rape, murder, violence?

She did answer this @Redrunbluerun and the main jist was don’t be silly, addicts have bigger issues to worry about!

That dismissal of the reality of the drug world is what’s gotten a lot of peoples’s backs up. You can’t ignore that.

I used to know a policeman who did time on the drugs squad - kids carrying drugs for gang leaders, needing combat knives to defend themselves when they can barely use a butter knife, being threatened into pressuring female relatives into prostitution to pay debts was daily stuff.
And that’s just the local stuff.

"My question would be does your parent ever consider the crime committed to get his drugs to him? The trafficking, rape, murder, violence?

She did answer this @Redrunbluerun and the main jist was don’t be silly, addicts have bigger issues to worry about!"

Actually Doombar it was more like - 'addicts don't care!'

And they don't - They don't think about it, much like smokers don't really hear people who complain about it being 'smoky in here' and they don't care. They really don't care about kids being dragged into gang warfare, women being raped and abused, torture/killing/terror on a daily basis. They only care that they get their hit.

I couldn't be with someone like that - I don't think I could even be friends with someone like that, let alone sleep with them.

And as in the other thread about coke having been posted through the letter box - I know many professional people apparently do 'take', but if I knew who, I'd avoid them. It's a sick, vile trade, and everyone should be made aware of how the hit gets to them.

@SnickersnotMArs
You're right, it generally is linked with some trauma or event early in your life and generally speaking this is commonly a parent or close relative also being an addict or a drinker, but not always.

Take me for example. I am currently two years into a heroin and crack addiction, and none of my family use drugs, are alcoholics, they don't even smoke cigarettes! But I've had some things happen in my early years that torture me to this day and maybe that's subconsciously partly the reason for my using but not that I'm consciously aware of therefore I'd never use it as an excuse. Long story short I've always been impulsive, curious, experimental and somewhat reckless. Just over two years ago I met a girl and we hung out and what not and I discovered she smoked crack and heroin, something I knew nothing about. She offered me crack a few times and I'd smoke it but couldn't stand the overwhelming high so started smoking heroin to come down, and very very soon after I woke up one morning feeling like death and the girl I mentioned suggested I could be withdrawing and she gave me some heroin.... And I felt better, that's when I realised I had a habit. Rather than nip it in the bud, I carried on feeding it, and now two years down the line I'm begging to fund my addiction and my life is on a downward spiral and I do genuinely genuinely want to get help and stop this, because it's absolutely horrible, it's a horrible life.
OP: My point is I'm the only one that can change me, support is nice, but ultimately it's MY choice. You can support your partners decisions and choices but it seems to be you're a little too accepting of it. Never forget.... What he's doing is not normal.

@SnickersnotMArs I am so sad to hear this . If given a choice right now this second , if two cars pulled up on the kerb one for rehab or one a dealer what car would you get into?? It's a terrible thing addiction I just hate drug dealers I really detest them. All the drug dealers in my city that I know of are thugs driving jeeps. Have you ever been to rehab?

The last comment on the thread...

"You're right, it generally is linked with some trauma or event early in your life and generally speaking this is commonly a parent or close relative also being an addict or a drinker, but not always.

Take me for example. I am currently two years into a heroin and crack addiction, and none of my family use drugs, are alcoholics, they don't even smoke cigarettes! But I've had some things happen in my early years that torture me to this day and maybe that's subconsciously partly the reason for my using but not that I'm consciously aware of therefore I'd never use it as an excuse. Long story short I've always been impulsive, curious, experimental and somewhat reckless. Just over two years ago I met a girl and we hung out and what not and I discovered she smoked crack and heroin, something I knew nothing about. She offered me crack a few times and I'd smoke it but couldn't stand the overwhelming high so started smoking heroin to come down, and very very soon after I woke up one morning feeling like death and the girl I mentioned suggested I could be withdrawing and she gave me some heroin.... And I felt better, that's when I realised I had a habit. Rather than nip it in the bud, I carried on feeding it, and now two years down the line I'm begging to fund my addiction and my life is on a downward spiral and I do genuinely genuinely want to get help and stop this, because it's absolutely horrible, it's a horrible life.
OP: My point is I'm the only one that can change me, support is nice, but ultimately it's MY choice. You can support your partners decisions and choices but it seems to be you're a little too accepting of it. Never forget.... What he's doing is not normal."

Is my story in response to the original OP, so I'm not sure who your comment on the thread was in response to, mine or the OP but I'll answer anyway lol (sorry, I'm new to these forums)

" if two cars pulled up on the kerb one for rehab or one a dealer what car would you get into?? "
At this present moment in time, the rehab car, for sure. Because I'm not withdrawing, but if I'd just woken up withdrawing then the dealers car... And that doesn't mean I don't want help, the withdrawal is just so so brutal you do anything to get well and stop that feeling.

This drug is so so nasty, disgusting. The lifestyle is so isolating as well. I don't talk about it through fear of being judged, and that's because I judge myself so much

@shoebag