My partner is addicted to crack and heroin AMA

[Adventuritis]

Just want to be able to help if anyone has suspicions about a loved one...
There are so many misconceptions.

Hi OP. My ex was smoking weed when I first met him 37 years ago, he was 28, me 23, and we were friends first. He held down a job, and his weed smoking 'sociable'.

We got together a few years later, he still continued to smoke weed, and when we lived together I then realised the extent of it. Fast forward to his late forties and 2 DC later, he's on crack cocaine. Emptied the bank accounts, maxed credit cards. He functioned (just) worked, but continually lied about having to go home (I knew none of this) and his behaviour/temper was appalling. Did a rehab programme, but by this time I'd truly had enough of all the drugs including weed. He didn't adhere to all the restrictions on the programme (understandably). One day he hit me (never had before) and that was the straw that broke the camels back. I told him to leave, and within 3 weeks he'd gone to his parents.
There's lots more I could tell, but my thumbs are not up to it...

15 years later, still smoking weed, and I'd bet my last cent he's back on the CC.

I have no time for drug users, not even a 'sociable' spliff. I maintain it's a gateway drug. AMA about that!

The drugs are their 'mistress', you'll never come first.

Personally, I don't know how you have come to terms with living with a class A drug user, would you mind answering that please?

''To the poster that asked if this thread has changed my perception of the situation, the answer is that one thing I have realised is that of my 4 close friends who are aware of the situation, not one has warned me, or suggested I was doing the wrong thing. I take this as the people who actually know me well don’t believe I’m “desperate “ or “co-dependant” or most definitely not at risk of using drugs myself, because believe me they are the type of people who would voice any concerns!''

I'm coming from a place of wanting you to put your own needs first, but what you've written above doesn't add up.

This thread has you're telling us cemented your own perception of the situation. Even though you haven't been brave enough to answer many of the questions put to you presumably because our perceptions to your answers would be negative and 'wrong'.

This tells me that you have a bit of a forcefield of denial around you

Your friends are not the types to silence their concerns you tell us, but yet they have not voiced their concerns to you.

I infer from that that they've tried and you didn't hear so they know they are pushing water uphill.

I am not trying to give you a hard time. I hope something penetrates the denial before you get in to a situation you can't get out of. Your own addiction. Hep c. Depression. Debt.

You also tell us that there's nothing wrong with letting him know he's loved and supported and that's a good point but you don't make it obvious to us what you get out of it.

I'd apologise for this post but I think it will slide off and you'll think I'm just interpreting things wrong.

I hope you get yourself out of this situation.

Hi op, great you're still reading. I do think you're still minimising and excusing your partner's massive drug dependency, mental health issues and lifestyle. You said yourself he talks of wanting to die, is suicidal, bi polar, and deeply affected by childhood trauma.

He's checked out of life and is not only anaethetising his feelings he's been hooked on the potent high of mixing crack with his heroin; a lethal combination for all of his adult life.

I feel that you're blinded by love and empathy for this man, almost in awe of him. Do keep your feet on the ground, he will lie to you, that's a given and he could ruin you. Stay realistic.

I'm very surprised none of your friends have expressed concern, given the above.

You mentioned that you were desperate for "real" information when it came clear to you he was an addict. I would recommend an online support group for family or partners of addicts.

Take care of yourself

Not read every question but I have read your replies. Forgive me if this has already been asked.

You say he is homeless, and you have lived together before.
Did you deciding not to live together make him homeless? Is he in a shelter or emergency accommodation? If yes to the first question, was there any resentment towards you?

Clearly you love him, I will not judge. I couldn't as I don't know your situation. But you must have really hard days with him?
Like days where u wish he was clean, or when he 'pops to the toilet' you wish he wasn't. Do you wish you never met him to feel for someone so complicated?

When he goes to get a hit do you just carry on with what you are doing as if it is normal. I understand this you your normal but it isn't every day occurrence for most.

Last question, sorry if this comes over horribly.
If he got clean, and stays clean, do you think be could leave you? Not many people would stay with an addict unless they take drugs themselves, do you think there is an element from his side that is just glad that you are there when nobody else would have him. Would you hate him for using you? Have you ever considered he is with you because nobody else will have him?

@OwlLovesTea

You started an Ask Me Anything thread but now you say you won't answer the questions because anything you say will be taken negatively!

We just want to hear what you feel. You are articulate enough to put that in to a reply.

You have completely ruled out the possibility that you're co-dependent. Ok, but how much do you know about co-dependency? Have you read up on it? Listened to clips on youtube? listened to audibles about co-dependency?

Oh, and as a lady once said to me when my son told her her house smelled of dogs ''children! they tell you what your friends never will''.

Replace children with ''strangers on line''.

Your friends are not going to tell you what they really really think because you'd be defensive and hurt and that would harm the friendship.

Some people online will tell you the truth, but also there's the fact that you'll get cruel people talking crap online that hide behind their egos, so you have to be careful with that. Yes some friends can't tell you the the truth but some can. Some people on this this thread are speaking from a level perspective but the OP is only human and it might seem like an attack even if it isn't.

Sorry OP but it sounds like he's a complete scrounger to me, something you seem quite proud of

Wake up - he's a filthy dirty crack head

That's true but I don't think anybody on this thread is coming from a place of ego when they advise the OP to put her own needs first.

I do see a lot of egoic reaction on mumsnet and in real life tbh! but I haven't seen it on this thread

@Idroppedthescrewinthetuna I think that's a really good question.

I read a book about defense mechanisms recently, and one of them is ''Intellectualising'', so a quest for The Right Information (whatever that is) could be a form of that defense mechanism I think. If you obsessively research something, you are a bit detached from it. You research the hell out of it, make it a project and rationalise your decision to mire yourself in what is really, with a clear lens, a big problem.

Right, I'll say no more OP because no doubt you think I'm attacking you but you're only 45. (I'm 50). I hope you seize your freedom and recover from the trap of putting yourself last.

@Mangofandangoo

Sorry OP but it sounds like he's a complete scrounger to me, something you seem quite proud of

Wake up - he's a filthy dirty crack head

There is absolutely no need to throw names/terms around like that..you should be ashamed.

Op my pp are harsh however I was annoyed reading your responses and how blaze you were acting about his addiction...I think this threads has become people telling you what to do when it was never your intention it's an AMA.

I don't have any other questions but wish you and your partner well and hope he gets some help he deserves

OP I have a history of relationships with alcoholics. My last partner, who I loved dearly, tipped over from functioning to non functioning as I watched. He died suddenly as a result of his lifestyle and it devastated me. I still miss him.

I've had therapy since then and am dating a lovely man without an addiction. It's wonderful.

Someone asked this above and I'll ask again. Are you prepared to lose your partner? Addicts die and not in nice ways. I had the police at my door and that will haunt me forever.

Yeah I'm going to ask again, OP - have you, or him, ever thought about he human cost of him doing drugs?

You say he's had a shit, hard childhood; I get that, and it's typical that it leads to a hard adulthood, and further shit. BUT has he ever thought about how the lives are for kids in the places that make and supply him his drugs?

Done any research into Bolivia or Columbia?

Into children that are routinely forced into joining gangs, or killed if they don't?

Seen the poverty it brings?

Seen the abject lives of those that it touches, even in civilised countries that try to help these druggies (including the UK - only to have their efforts thrown back in their faces - the drugs and the money being the end result, not getting clean )

I couldn't live with or have anything to do with someone who is happy to have someone else -children,women - tortured and die for his hit. His happiness. His calm. My question is - how can you?

Someone else is paying for him, and it's not only you.

I imagine your friends are terrified he will drag you down, so don't say anything for fear of alienating you to a place you have no support.

@ptumbi

Yeah I'm going to ask again, OP - have you, or him, ever thought about he human cost of him doing drugs?

You say he's had a shit, hard childhood; I get that, and it's typical that it leads to a hard adulthood, and further shit. BUT has he ever thought about how the lives are for kids in the places that make and supply him his drugs?

Done any research into Bolivia or Columbia?

Into children that are routinely forced into joining gangs, or killed if they don't?

Seen the poverty it brings?

Seen the abject lives of those that it touches, even in civilised countries that try to help these druggies (including the UK - only to have their efforts thrown back in their faces - the drugs and the money being the end result, not getting clean )

I couldn't live with or have anything to do with someone who is happy to have someone else -children,women - tortured and die for his hit. His happiness. His calm. My question is - how can you?

Someone else is paying for him, and it's not only you.

I don't think many addicts give up drugs because they're upset by the human cost and implications to other people!!

@Candleabra

I imagine your friends are terrified he will drag you down, so don't say anything for fear of alienating you to a place you have no support.

Or maybe they just believe that I'm able to make my own choices and look after myself.

So, this thread hasn't changed your perception of the situation you're in at all?

We're all understanding it negatively?

I am surprised your friends are all so cool with you living with a heroin and crack addict.

I understand you have chosen to love and support your partner. I suppose you need to expect other people to disagree with your stance.

You have a strange set up of a relationship, you've almost taken on the role of a support worker in a sense; you offer a non judgemental ear and try to advise him or encourage him to make better choices and I'm sure you get something out of that role.
You say yourself you remain detached and keep most of your life separate from his. However, are you qualified or experienced enough to provide the right support? Is this actually a relationship or equal partnership?
Would you view a family member's addiction differently, say for example one of your adult children? I mean, would you be as accepting?

I'm concerned you are wide open not only to being used but also to exposing yourself to the horrors of long term heroin and crack addiction. Infected injection sites, disease, viruses, asphyxiation on vomit, fatal overdose (can occur even if the same amounts are used) and suicide are all real possibilities. You need to be fully prepared to deal with an emergency situation when you're with him- plan for that. I'm sorry if that sounds brutal.

The Hell of living an impoverished very unstable chaotic life means I'm sure you are providing him with some much needed stability and normality. For that reason, it will be difficult to remove yourself. You sound kind and caring and I feel you may be staying out a guilt and pity after being essentially "duped" into a relationship with a man you didn't know was taking drugs.

Don't hesitate to seek support from drug agencies, your friends or on here if you are struggling at any point. I echo another poster, you've been very honest and candid about your situation, I hope you will accept that posters are trying to be honest too in their replies

@Adventuritis have you thought about your boundaries? I'm interested in what would be your point where you would be unable to continue seeing him?
You seem in control so you obviously would prioritise your health, security, SAFETY and happiness before someone who isn't ready to accept change, no?
What would be outrageous to you and make you end things? Just curious?

If he’s spending £50 a day that’s £18,250 a year. Of universal credit? Apart from the moral issues around tax payers money, how the hell is he affording rent/bills/food let alone any quality of life with you?

How do you feel about the impact of criminal drug use on society? Exploitation of women, children and vulnerable adults via organised crime like county lines? I know that he had a crappy childhood but his addiction is perpetuating that cycle

How did you meet? Presumably you have never been on proper dates e.g. out for a meal, to see a film etc, as he has no money? I am just intrigued as to how a relationship can develop when you can't even go anywhere or do anything, and why did you think he was homeless, jobless and skint before you found out about the addiction.

“If he’s spending £50 a day that’s £18,250 a year. Of universal credit?”

Except he’s not getting that much, the most you can actually get for disability related support on universal credit is about £5000 a year less than that... and that’s for people with severe disabilities, it’s not hugely likely he’s in enhanced rates.

So he’s getting money from elsewhere, he has to be.

You make some valid points incredible but is that a reason to shun addicts in our society or remove assistance? Addicts are also vulnerable people, exploited by the criminal drugs trade, they are victims too.

With regards to receiving benefits, this guy has several mental health issues including ADHD, PTSD, personality disorders , suicidal idealisation and depression.

Although I'm not justifying his choice of self medication/ survival, he is entitled to the paltry amount Universal Credit will pay (£50 a week for over 25s plus housing costs) or any disability benefit. It's likely he would be unable to work or function as part of society with his poor mental health, regardless of drug issues.

Let's not beat around the bush, an addict will do anything to avoid withdrawal, including cash work, small scale fraud, petty theft, begging and cutting every other expenditure from their life in order to afford a hit. It's a shit awful existence and most hate it and want the whole hellish cycle to end.

Pointing out the moral or societal implications of drug use to the victims at the bottom of the pile is nonsensical.

[quote shakeitoffshakeacocktail]@Adventuritis have you thought about your boundaries? I'm interested in what would be your point where you would be unable to continue seeing him?
You seem in control so you obviously would prioritise your health, security, SAFETY and happiness before someone who isn't ready to accept change, no?
What would be outrageous to you and make you end things? Just curious? [/quote]
Good question, because it's so hard not to fall in to the trap of making an exception to the boundary you vaguely feel you ought to have in theory when it's practice. Or at least, I found this when I was in an abusive relationship.

When I was on line dating I had to write down my boundaries so that I was fully aware I was eroding my own boundaries. This helped. I got better at protecting them. But just being aware that you're hardly conscious of your boundaries is the first shock step!

How did you meet ?

Don't move to a new area with him. You said he finds it easy to score when you are on a day trip to another town. If you move to a new area, his addiction will definitely be the first thing he brings with him.

Also, I don't think pp was saying that addicts care about where their drugs come from and the human cost, she was saying that you should care.

Because by financially supporting him (and you must be if he spends £50 per day and lives off benefits) then you are contributing to a trade which depends on human suffering.