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AMA
Original poster

I'm a hoarder, AMA ( except for my bank details 🤣)

154 replies

HoarderAMA · 26/12/2020 17:43

Just that really. Inspired by another thread.

It's a MH condition as set out in the DSM5.

I often feel it is the most shameful MH condition and no amount of "Be kind" would ever change that.

I dont think it will ever be one of the accepted conditions and it is full of shame and secrecy. I cant see that ever changing

OP posts:
DesperateDansCowPie · 26/12/2020 17:49

Sending hugs and am genuinely interested in your condition Flowers

Have you always been a hoarder or is this something that developed?

Do you have a family and how do they manage?

What part of your life do you feel is most impacted by your condition?

Original poster
HoarderAMA · 26/12/2020 17:56

@DesperateDansCowPie it is something from my childhood but i guess i just had too much stuff then. I guess was at 13? But it was only diagnosable ( not that your really diagnosis- I just fessed up to my gp one day as I wanted to change) when I had my own place to fill up.

Most definitely got worse when my son was diagnosed with SEN but it stems from early childhood abuse.

Yes I have a family. Its incredibly unfair on them but it can be ok in the house, sometimes just a bit cluttered. Sometimes caous

I'm very self aware and have asked unprompted for help and therapy. That's rare in hoarders.

The biggest impact is having people over. My kids are immaculately clean and well dressed.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 26/12/2020 17:59

What would you find the hardest to throw away? And what would you find easiest to throw away? With the latter, if you don't throw it away, why not?

Baycob · 26/12/2020 18:01

My Mum is a hoarder and it’s so overwhelming to go to her house.

How can you live in this chaos?

Do you have kids ?

Bearsinmotion · 26/12/2020 18:03

What would you do if the hoard was removed?

DianaT1969 · 26/12/2020 18:06

Thank you for this interesting thread. I have too much stuff in my home, and whenever I travel and stay in a hotel room with a limited number of clothes and belongings, I instantly feel much better and more "me". How do you feel when you stay in a hotel? More at peace and free?

VinterKvinna · 26/12/2020 18:08

My DM is a hoarder, and what I really don't understand is the needing to keep literally everything, from a broken cardboard box lid, to out of date cartons of food (15 + years)

You cant use it, you can replace it if you ever needed to,....why?

Hellvelyn · 26/12/2020 18:09

Thanks for offering to throw some light on this illness. My mum is a hoarder and it's getting worse as she gets older. Do you have a particular fear of what might happen if you get rid of some of your belongings? Is your hoarding of specific types of possessions?

PotteringAlong · 26/12/2020 18:09

My MiL is a hoarder. There are lots of things that makes me most sad about it, but one of the main ones is that my DH will probably have no relics from his childhood because the house is so unbelievably cluttered / boarderline dangerous in parts that, when they move into care or die, and the house has to be cleared, it will be a house clearance and a skip job because there is not a hope any of the siblings will look through any of it.

So, actually, a plea rather than a question: can you have a box of photographs / documents, actually important stuff that everyone knows where they are so that your children can keep that? My DH (who never keeps anything as a massive reaction against his childhood living conditions) asked and was met with “it’s all important” Sad

Original poster
HoarderAMA · 26/12/2020 18:10

@HollowTalk the hardest thing to get rid of is my kids old clothes. But after years of therapy I can get rid of anything if I put my mind to it.

The hardest thing is making a decision. Imagine you have 5 pairs of leggings. One is comfy, one is smart, one is to big and twice have tiny holes in. You can logically get rid of half with no guilt. Multiple that by x amount and it becomes a logical logistical nightmare. It's starting that is the hard part.

I can get rid of any junk that has no use like rubbish, broken things etc. Hoarding is like a spectrum so I dont keep empty packets or rubbish etc. But it's still the same thought process and issues. What if I need it again? It's such a waste? Its lost money, I could sell it etc.

OP posts:
Hellvelyn · 26/12/2020 18:12

@Diana interesting about the hotel room. My mum likes to stay somewhere with minimal possessions too.

Plussizejumpsuit · 26/12/2020 18:13

How do you keep organised if you have a child? I'm thinking rembering school or nursery stuff. Washing uniforms, organising packed lunched. Also actually I'm assuming your home is hoarded right now is this the case? If so where is your home on the hoarding scale?

I agree there's a lot of stigma. Probably as there was with eating disorders. Like just eat something. People think. Just chuck stuff into bin bags! But obviously it's way more complicated.

Original poster
HoarderAMA · 26/12/2020 18:13

@Baycob yes I have kids.

I dont choose to be like this, like people dont choose to be depressed. I am mentally unwell. I can rain it in and sort it out and have done in the past, but for me, it's not curable. It's like being a drunk. It's my drug and self harm of choice and nothing hits the mark quite like this. It's like a drug, except i can fully function as its behind closed doors

OP posts:
PandemicPalava · 26/12/2020 18:20

I'm a hoarder too. Really struggle throwing anything away. Husband struggles to understand why it is so emotional for me to sort out a bag for charity. I can't sell things as I end up talking myself into keeping things. Urgh. Not diagnosed but 100% a small step away from being in a mess

TheSockMonster · 26/12/2020 18:20

Does hoarding cause you to buy/seek more things than you need, or is it just getting rid of things that were previously useful that’s hard?

I have always found it exceptionally hard to throw things away so I can imaging very easily how, had my life gone a different path, I could have ended up a hoarder. It sounds like you mostly cope well now though?

ThreeLadsPointingAtAStar · 26/12/2020 18:21

Do your friends or family ever say anything?

If they don't do you wish they would - my best friend is a hoarder and I have never mentioned it to her. When I am in her house I just move stuff so I can sit down and pretend her environment is normal.

Years ago when she had to go into hospital her sister cleared and sorted her house - she never mentioned it and it was back to her normal within a month.

Whenever she is at my house (not especially tidy but much less stuff) she always mentions how relaxing it is not to be surrounded by so much stuff.

I guess I'm asking should I ask if she wants help or should I just leave it (instinct is to leave it)

Original poster
HoarderAMA · 26/12/2020 18:23

@Bearsinmotion I imagine it would be a relief but in reality if someone else came round and just threw my things out I would feel violated. One persons crap is another persons treasure and all that. Like i could throw away my mils possesions and none of it means anything or holds any value to me. But that would selfish and cruel. Same applies to my things

OP posts:
Original poster
HoarderAMA · 26/12/2020 18:26

@DianaT1969yes I'm.the same. I feel better in a hotel. I get blind to the mess. I would say right now it's looking good in my house, a few Christmas toys on the floor, two on the table. Metres of empty space on the floor, but take a photo and I can see the pile of toys in one corner and another pile of bags and toys in the other. The worse is going away then coming back. It's like putting glasses on

OP posts:
Baycob · 26/12/2020 18:26

@HoarderAMA

Sorry, didn’t mean to sound blunt. But as a child of a hoarder I’m honestly scarred by it.

Never a quiet space to study, always late because nothing could be found, embarrassed to bring my friends over, obsession over bargains at the detriment of everything else. It was an absolute disaster.

Glad you are getting help. Did you know you were a hoarder before having children ? Do you think some kind of life experience caused it ?

Chicchicchicchiclana · 26/12/2020 18:28

Are you also a compulsive shopper? I have slight hoarding tendencies but I hardly ever buy anything luckily so stuff accumulates very gradually . I'm not particularly attached to everything but the chore of sorting it and getting rid of it falls to me exclusively and it's just yet another "wife/mum work" thing that I don't see why I should burden myself with when no one else in the family involves themselves. Does any of this ring true with you.

I watch the hoarding programmes with the absolutely filthy houses with grim fascination. When do you get to the stage where you don't throw out rubbish or recycling?

MawkishHawk · 26/12/2020 18:30

Do you have a partner? What does he/she think, or how do they manage living with your hoarding? Any tips on how a partner could support a hoarder and manage to share a living space that doesn’t become a complete junk shop?

Original poster
HoarderAMA · 26/12/2020 18:30

@VinterKvinnai dont keep anything like that, but imagine if someone dumped 1000 broken toys and boxes in your house overnight and mixed it all up in a giant mixed. Now your passport, kids baby photos, cash, your favourite childhood toy is now in there. Would you be happy for someone to come in a clear it all out for you? Would you trust them to look in between the junk for your treasures?

Imagine it again but ten times worse as you have been ill for six months. Could face it in a week yourself?

OP posts:
VinterKvinna · 26/12/2020 18:32

[quote HoarderAMA]@VinterKvinnai dont keep anything like that, but imagine if someone dumped 1000 broken toys and boxes in your house overnight and mixed it all up in a giant mixed. Now your passport, kids baby photos, cash, your favourite childhood toy is now in there. Would you be happy for someone to come in a clear it all out for you? Would you trust them to look in between the junk for your treasures?

Imagine it again but ten times worse as you have been ill for six months. Could face it in a week yourself?[/quote]
Fuck - you have just put in to words, what my DM has never been able to explain in a way I could understand. Thank you.

VinterKvinna · 26/12/2020 18:33

@PotteringAlong

My MiL is a hoarder. There are lots of things that makes me most sad about it, but one of the main ones is that my DH will probably have no relics from his childhood because the house is so unbelievably cluttered / boarderline dangerous in parts that, when they move into care or die, and the house has to be cleared, it will be a house clearance and a skip job because there is not a hope any of the siblings will look through any of it.

So, actually, a plea rather than a question: can you have a box of photographs / documents, actually important stuff that everyone knows where they are so that your children can keep that? My DH (who never keeps anything as a massive reaction against his childhood living conditions) asked and was met with “it’s all important” Sad

This is something i have said to my DH, he has things like the coffee table his DM used, etc, i'll have nothing...
SandysMam · 26/12/2020 18:34

This is is really interesting thread OP, thanks for sharing. Have you had social services intervention because of the children? Does anyone question whether your home is a suitable environment for them?