I'm a hoarder, AMA ( except for my bank details 🤣)

[HoarderAMA]

Just that really. Inspired by another thread.

It's a MH condition as set out in the DSM5.

I often feel it is the most shameful MH condition and no amount of "Be kind" would ever change that.

I dont think it will ever be one of the accepted conditions and it is full of shame and secrecy. I cant see that ever changing

Sorry, I don’t mean to criticise you, but it’s not only MH issues. My Father always invited himself to other people’s houses especially around Christmas as he couldn’t invite anyone to his and this was a 5 bed in a very nice part of London. The neighbours put up with him, he wouldn’t do the garden, the fence was knocked over and he was too stingy to repair it.

He did eventually agree to a charity coming in (because it was free) but they didn’t make a dent really. They wouldn’t take the bin bags and he wouldnt pay for them to be taken away so there they stayed for months on end - all 35 bags. Eventually a kindly neighbour offered to take them to the tip.

I honestly don’t understand why he lived like this. He had money but was very secretive about it.

yeh I bought one. I should throw it out now!! i hAVE the gist.

It did ''counsel'' me through throwing out stuff that other people had given me.

Sorry it took me so long to write my post I'd missed seeing all the help you've had, glad you've been able to access some support.

Can I ask please? If you have been brought up in a hoarding household, are you now a hoarder or the opposite (or somewhere in between)? I absolutely hate having any possessions that we don't need, but I also hate waste. Our charity shop is a very regular recipient of outgrown clothes, unwanted gifts etc, as is our local free cycle. I like everything to have a place and possessions a purpose. Sentimental items are kept very carefully in special boxes or displayed. At the moment we are having work done on the house and there is stuff spread all over the house. If I'm honest, this is troubling me more than it ought to. I feel like I can't properly relax in my own home.

You can see, and learn a lot, by watching these TV programmes concerning extreme hoarders. You can't imagine how people can live in homes, where they cannot even go to bed because of all the collections of stuff. But there always seems to be some bad and upsetting events,that have eventually caused the hoarding, and if they can then later talk about everything to the helpers who start to clear a home, you can see how upset and tearful they become,when trying to decide what to discard from their life.

Usually,it is all very joyful when a person has finally accepted some help. and they then see a whole new home setting to live in.

My son,who is 49 and was parylised from the chest down, from an accident many years ago, has a penchant for hoarding things, and not only house things, but a few cars as well. He drives a nice vehicle suitable for his needs, but buys lots of things that he doesn't need, including about 5 guitars,when he only needs one. Its very difficult to clean his house,he has loads of techno stuff around the place. all the gadgets and wires etc. It may have all stemmed from the trauma of his accident I think.

@SnowyOwlWan

yeh I bought one. I should throw it out now!! i hAVE the gist.

It did ''counsel'' me through throwing out stuff that other people had given me.

Oh sorry I was joking.

MK is to hard core from.hoarding to minimalism.

If I got every single item of clothes in my house in one room, I would get in that room. I take bits of her methodike i empty my bag but its weekly. MK would be a aspirational place to be. It's not achievable to a hoarder.

Therapy starts with five minutes a day or getting used to sorting. MK is about shedding your entire house in a small time frame.

Also if you hoard. Everything sparks joy

My sister is a hoarder (along with multiple other MH issues) it is barely kept under control.

It's also this endless circle, she too has 000's unread emails. I spent several hours removing her from mailing lists etc and deleting emails but she never finished the jobs. She has an aversion to online banking / bills as she said she wouldn't know she had the emails because she doesn't open the. So she carries on getting paper bills which add to be pile of paper (5 year old bills) in the flat. She is also getting very forgetful for many other reasons and so there is the danger she will forget to pay things.

She's buys food she won't eat - she gets security from having it.

My mum comes occasionally and gets rid of a bit but it's a never ending battle.

Piles of books she doesn't read. Piles of recycling because she cannot bring herself to take it to the bin. If she was left to it it would become mountains. I fed I'll going I her flat.

She doesn't like it and wants to move but unless she sorts the hoarding the new place would end up exactly the same in 6 months time.

Yes most hoarders have had trama. Mostly undealt with.

Mine started off as mental and physical abuse from my mum. If I filled my room with shit she couldn't past the door to hit me. She could only stand at the door and shout abuse at me. That's where it started as it worked. How could I say that my mother hated me? A mothers love is unconditional. Well not for me, so there is the shame. Then I had two kids with severe SEN. That's the lose. Loss of the life I dreamed for them. Again there is shame there as I feel like i am expected to be happy and proud and of course i am but you dont dream about a future where your child will never talk.

everything sparks joy. wow. that does explain it.

CBT is the therapy for hoarding but if it's a relative or friend they have to face up it first. As I understand it, most horders dont.

Yes I have SS in my house. My son has a disability SW she has no concerns as it's not alarmingly bad and it's just clothes and toys. I also had a MH SW visit me as part of my therapy but she didnt think i was a hoarder. She might have thought differently on a bad week.

So I'm not at neglect level or near it. Mostly due to therapy i guess?

@SnowyOwlWan

everything sparks joy. wow. that does explain it.

I dont know if that's true for everyone. It's more the traditional "do I need this, where will it live? Can I get another?"

Everything is emotional so joy is a emotion and best to be practical when you hoard.

Does your house look 'normal' from the outside?

There is a hoarder on my street who must be severely unwell with his hoarding / MH. I feel bad for him but feel bad for his immediate neighbours too. His problem has a knock on effect to them; big rodent problem, bad smell, house exterior very neglected and causing some issues for adjoining houses, garden an overgrown jungle with rusted cars, bin bags and old bits of junk. They would have lost loads of money off their own houses or be unable to sell living next to such a mess.
It must be frustrating.

@RelivingHell yes, it upsets me deeply that it has impacted my kids. I didnt know it was a problem or what I was doing on a total level of clarity until a few years back. I was a fog I didnt see.

It was never about wanting to hurt anyone but myself. I just feel like I woke up one day. I can watch hoarding programs, listen to those in therapy and feel massive empathy and STILL not relate it to my situation. It's like some sort of mental blind spot. I'm sorry that happened to you, truly. You deserved better

It is a very difficult problem all round. Virtually all of us have sentimental items that we would never discard but hoarders see value in everything and worry about hurting the original donor's feelings or even the feelings of the object itself. Well done, OP, on seeking help. You can overcome it.

@pinkdragons yes. The front garden is actually nice. The back has minimal tat, but it's not neatly trimmed. Its hacked back twice a year as I feel guilty spending time gardening when I have the inside to sort

@HoarderAMA you sound like you have genuine insight into your condition

I'm a community nurse and have come across some severe hoarders. It doesn't shock me, and I've learned to put a polite face on when visiting.

I have found a division though... the people who recognise it's unhealthy and that they would benefit from help, and those who just feel it's a storage problem. The people in the second camp (who have mental capacity) are a heartbreaking bunch as their relationships are usually affected (and their health). But we can only support and offer guidance and then it's up to them. Oh and I will say help is severely limited (unless you pay for it)

So anyway, my question if I may... do you think your children will have hoarding tendencies when they are older? You don't say the extent of their SEN so I hope this isn't insensitive.

Can you walk freely round your home? See all the floor space? Not have one of those filthy bathrooms filled with stuff that you see on the tv programmes about hoarding?

I think it's really unfair on children to live in homes with hoarders. All surfaces covered in shit and having to edge around things

You don't sound like this though. Are you an actual hoarder or just someone who accumulates a lot of stuff and doesn't tidy very often?

@giggly thank you that is a great idea. I should set that up. I still tend to buy the kids to many clothes but I'm getting much much better. I asked my eldest two to sort out their things for a local FB clothing bank. I still feel like I need to double check what goes. Why? It's not up to me what they feel comfortable in. I dont know why. This is really good idea

@LuciaLemon you dont get diagnosed as a hoarder. I just went to the gp and fesed up years ago.

I would love to say I just have to many kids in a tiny house and like clutter and if you came here now I could convince you that was true. Unfortunately I am a hoarder because it impacts my life and everyone I live with deter mentally. What defines a hoarder? Someone who keeps out of date food? Or someone with 200 jumpers in a 10 bedroom mansion? It's a unhealthy relationship with accumulating and letting go of stuff.

Yes I'm a hoarder. I have been better, I have been much worse. I have at times been tripping over toys and only cleared then when I fell over

@Hellvelyn

Can I ask please? If you have been brought up in a hoarding household, are you now a hoarder or the opposite (or somewhere in between)? I absolutely hate having any possessions that we don't need, but I also hate waste. Our charity shop is a very regular recipient of outgrown clothes, unwanted gifts etc, as is our local free cycle. I like everything to have a place and possessions a purpose. Sentimental items are kept very carefully in special boxes or displayed. At the moment we are having work done on the house and there is stuff spread all over the house. If I'm honest, this is troubling me more than it ought to. I feel like I can't properly relax in my own home.

The opposite. The Stuff was always more valuable than me - to the extent that I literally carry scars, physical ones, where I was injured by it. And then I was punished physically for that.

The Stuff walled me in. It hospitalised and nearly killed my sister, as she had severe asthma and vacuuming might have damaged something. It was her trigger for violence. It endangered every one of us when there was flammable things in piles on every stair (dismissed as 'not much on the stairs') and piled up against bedroom doors. It caused injuries and infections and illness.

I have things. I have pointless things - tidied away, often unseen, usually just one of something. But I need blank spaces on walls and minimal visual noise in order to function. I don't need more furniture than will fit along the walls. I don't need multiple appliances that don't work so that you have to climb over them to get into the kitchen. I don't need the only escapes from a house in the event of fire to all be blocked. And if something happened to it all, as long as DP and the cats were safe, that's the important thing.

Because everything else is Just Stuff.

That's great that you've accessed therapy for you. What do you think is at the route of it? Have you considered what 'function' it serves for you? Eg distraction/keeping people out etc xx

@NeverDropYourMoonCup I reconcile the other people I live with by stepping up and seeking therapy which was extremely hard to do. I throw stuff out even when it's a hard thing to do. My son took a photo recently and sent it to his mate and I was deeply ashamed as it was a right mess.

I dont know how to snap out of it. I actually asked my therapist if they do electric therapy or give me a pill half joking. I hate it. I honestly hate it and therefore myself for doing it

My mum was a serious hoarder, not piles of rubbish everywhere but she bought more and more storage so every room had every wall covered in wardrobes and drawers even covering radiators.

I always found it so stressful but then suddenly I realised that I was starting to do it! She had glass dishes with odd earrings, broken necklaces all over the place and I suddenly noticed that I had one on my dressing table, I've always found it hard to through clothes away but when I noticed that glass dish I was horrified & started doing some reading around it. There was abit about the hoard spreading to your car and that really hit home, I had 3 bags for the charity shop which had been in my boot for about 6 months!

I really wonder if there is an element of it that is hereditary! 🤷‍♀️

I work really hard not to let clothes and stuff build up now I'm more aware of it but it's hard!

@HoarderAMA you sound like you have an awful lot of self awareness. I was touched by your post about your mum and your kids. Thank you for sharing your life and your insight with us x

This is fascinating
I have hoarding tendencies, fairly well controlled. I hoard, but also love order, so it's a very well organised hoard. Colour coded (MASSIVE) wardrobe, airing cupboard etc. I know where EVERYTHING is.

And I totally get the point about everything sparking joy. Whether its my ball gown from school or the children's first shoes, or the umpteen jam jars in a box in the garage or the plastic bread bags in a store under the stairs.

The first two are sentimental. The jam jars make me happy that I am being green and will have jars for chutney season and the plastic bags that I have something to hand to pick up dead mice without touching them. I am always scared about running out of food too, and have a freezer hoard, and tins hoard. To me having all this stuff makes me feel organised and safe.

My husband hates it. He would throw it all away in a heartbeat.