I'm a hoarder, AMA ( except for my bank details 🤣)

[HoarderAMA]

Just that really. Inspired by another thread.

It's a MH condition as set out in the DSM5.

I often feel it is the most shameful MH condition and no amount of "Be kind" would ever change that.

I dont think it will ever be one of the accepted conditions and it is full of shame and secrecy. I cant see that ever changing

@Plussizejumpsuitthere are certain things I do every day religiously like wash a load, cook, dh washes up. Get uniform ready the night before, but I loose to much. There can be the odd moments of panic but every day things have a home. In fact everything has a home ( that is sometimes overflowing and often things dont get put back)

I dont know if this is true of all hoarders, but I'm always hoarding even if you couldn't see it on a great month. The golden standard for me is every thing in its home, mostly not on view. I cant function better than that I'm afraid. Its tempting to have empty cupboards.

I would say I'm a four onnthe scale right now but I find that scale hard as I always have clear beds, but can rarely keep a sofa clear for a entire week. I also dont have lots of things on my floor or stairs.

@PandemicPalava please do see your gp and ask for CBT. It's really really REALLY hard to change your mindset. But the smallest change will set you off on another path.

You have to think "do I need this? Where will it go? Can I buy another if i need it?" Just continuously asking yourself that really can make a change. So if you made some room and got rid of 50 things that no longer fit, could you treat yourself to five lovely items of clothes? Anything like that that challenges your unspoken rules about buying and get rid of stuff.

@TheSockMonster yes it's both. Buying gives me a high, until I get it home, where I feel guilty so I buy something else to cheer me up. Its bizarre but there you go.

It's really obvious but as it's never talked about, it's a taboo you dont talk it through so it only Dawn's on you in therapy.

It's a form of OCD. It doesnt have to make sence.

But I am so much better at resisting now. It's really hard still. I feel like I could really tip.over the edge some days. It's a inner demons I keep on a short leash

Thank you for answering. Ex DP was kind of a hoarder (OCD) and would be furious if any of us touched the hoard and made me feel it was all my fault. His reaction was worse than living with the hoard...

It does sound like you are in a much better place. When he moved out I found literal rubbish everywhere - stuff that should have been recycled and just wasn’t.

Thank you for answering my question.

You explain it all so well. I suppose throughout ancient history hoarding resources would have brought security and prosperity, so I can see how the stress of having a board would be temporarily relived by buying something else.

@ThreeLadsPointingAtAStar no. No one mentions it. Its all very politely ignored. It's like no one wants to know why or what caused it. Like its invisible like me. It's the surface me that counts, not what lies beneath which has in the past made me want to hoard more.

The thing is, most hoarders are not self aware. They do not think of themselves as hoarders. They do dont think they hoard. They can get really defensive so I would tread lightly. Drop it in the convo slowly and be prepared to drop the subject.

But personally I have accepted help in the past from.people I trusted a lot. However I purposely grownd them down as I could cope with help. I'm in a better place now but it all helped, maybe not at the time but it help desensitise me to help

This is an interesting thread op.

My question is, it sounds like you have had a lot of therapy over the years. Is there a common reason why people become horders? Eg does it often stem from the same thing?

Second question, do you aspire to one day have 'normal' home or do you think that is unrealistic for you?

*having a hoard not a board!!

I just want to say that I went to a group therapy MH group for hoarders before the pandemic. They are few and far between but non hoarding family and friends would also go without their hoarder person.

It was heartbreaking listening to them. I wont make excuses. It is a exceptionally shameful and yes selfish condition. But for most they dont even know they are doing this. No one wants to hurt others. It's more about hurting yourself but of course you do suck in collateral damage. I'm really sorry on a personal level

My maternal grandfather passed away nearly two years ago. He was 102 so naturally some of his possessions were very old and sometimes broken. In short, of no use to anyone. He had some lovely, personal possessions which were a real reminder of him and his personality. To me, these were the obvious things to keep and cherish. However, mum really struggled to part with anything, even when it was broken or of no use. I ended up going through grandfather's wardrobe with her. She didn't want to keep any of it but wanted everything to go to some use. I ended up taking loads of stuff to charity shops which was totally unsuitable for anyone and I felt awful about this for the charity shop volunteers but I didn't know what else to do. I live 3 hours from mum and wasn't able to go through all my grandfather's possessions with her. In the end my poor father was instructed to take it all back to their already overflowing home for mum to sort there. She has barely touched it since and it has simply joined her own huge collection of possessions. I realise there will be a day when I will need to sort my parents' possessions and I find it a heartbreakibg prospect as in reality I will be putting most of the stuff in a skip, but mum felt it was important for her to keep. I'll feel like I'll be betraying her and what was important to her, but I don't want my home to be full of her possessions. This is such a complex illness.....

My dad is a hoarder, with I suspect undiagnosed Autism. His hoarding absolutely affected me. I was too ashamed to have friends over and I remember a friend telling me her mum said she couldn't come round anyway because my house was dirty. It wasn't, my poor mum cleaned as well as she could around his mess. When I tried to tidy up his stuff he would go mental. People judged us by the outside of our house. It meant I grew up into a woman who tries to keep at least the outside of my house spotless.

So please tell me, does it matter to hoarders that it affects their children? My dad never seemed bothered with how much it upset me.

I’m so glad that you have asked for help as hoarding is generally a symptom of complex trauma as you have said or sometimes NDD. Good luck on your therapy as it’ll not be easy and go easy on yourself till you get there.
As someone upthread said as much as it is hard for you, your children will also be adversely affected. Perhaps if not already their rooms/ belongings could be out of limits for you with another adult taking responsibility for getting rid of the things they no longer need.

Having just cleared out my DF’s house. It cost 1000’s. He was living in complete squalor. He wouldn’t let anyone in - actually you couldn’t get in. Although someone people claim it’s a illness I think with my my Father is a a combination of living on his own, thinking it was women’s work (and there were no women, a few girlfriends over the years but they realised he wasn’t going to change and made a run for it) and pure laziness. Social services said as he had capacity he was allowed to live like this.

Eventually after many many years he threw the towel in and said he needed to go into a cafe home which did actually happen.

He really couldn’t have stayed in the old family home. It was completely trashed.

[quote HoarderAMA]@VinterKvinnai dont keep anything like that, but imagine if someone dumped 1000 broken toys and boxes in your house overnight and mixed it all up in a giant mixed. Now your passport, kids baby photos, cash, your favourite childhood toy is now in there. Would you be happy for someone to come in a clear it all out for you? Would you trust them to look in between the junk for your treasures?

Imagine it again but ten times worse as you have been ill for six months. Could face it in a week yourself?[/quote]
I'd report my passport as lost. I''d be sad that the other things were gone. But when my mother's house had to be cleared on the top floor due to the ceiling collapsing from the weight of stuff in the loft and refusing to let workmen in to repair the roof, I lost all those things and more because, as a hoarder, they were her property to keep and not mine, apparently.

It's all just Stuff at the end of the day. Just things, not people, not animals, not living beings. Just Stuff.

Where there are other people affected, such as children, partners or neighbours when it comes to the fire/vermin risk, it becomes a mental health issue that is unfortunately harming others.

How do you, if you live with anybody else (or have lived with anybody else) reconcile your needs with theirs?

Yes, it definitely affects friends coming round. My DF couldn’t really have cared less. As long as he was able to keep his mess around him that was fine by him!

Have you ever read Marie Kondo? Or would that not even touch the SIDES?

I am not a hoarder but I left a relationship with a rucksack once. I left all of my clothes, books, things, furniture, pictures, everything I'd accumulated over the last 17 years and some things i'd brought with me, including musical instruments and pieces of art of my own......... and I walked out the door. So I felt the need for possessions after that. I can see how possessions can be soothing.

I need to clear out again now! It's hard. I listened to a guided meditation to help clear out the last time I threw out things.

@SunInTheSkyYouKnowHowIFeel yes sometimes my house is normal, I can do normal and prefer normal. The pandemic recently has set me back a bit but I threw out six bin bags of clothes early this month. Yes I really want a normal house so so bad.

Personally I will always be a hoarder. Even if my house and everything I owned blew out in a tornado. I hoard in my mind, I have 42,000 unread emails. It's a form if avoidance too.

I am a biology graduate. I had a corporate job for years. I get things done that others cant. But all at the cost of something else falling apart.

I did quite a few SEN appeals for my son which I won. I took my LA on and wiped the floor with them. Outside I looked like a force to be reckoned with. Inside I was scared and overwhelmed and felt such injustice and loose. So I had to see it. It was a kind of "look, it's not ok, I'm not happy with this, I can't just say it doesnt matter, it hurts" and I could see the mess I carried around in my mind.

But more than that, it's a physical wall to keep life out and away and a place or wall to hide behind. I have felt like I'm broken at times and a broken wall of mess is the real me.

So it's like a onion. Many little traumas that just build up. But a wall is common theme for me.

Yes I cope better now. I could imagine having a major trama then living with 50bdogs and thousands of tons of empty cans. It feel like a small slip away sometimes

My DF saw my DM off, then various lady friends who tried to sort things out and were left with a flea in their ear. It was all about him and stuff anyone else’s needs.

Do you want practical help and if so what would/would not be helpful for you?

@hoarderama I imagine it must be difficult to read some of these posts as they are describing peoples' personal experiences of living with or knowing a hoarder. Please know that your honesty and attempts to explain your hoarding are appreciated. You have opened a very important discussion on a mental health issue that isn't often spoken about. Thank you.

Thank you for this very illuminating and personal thread.

I find it very hard to understand hoarding, but would really like to know more in order to understand better. I do know and appreciate it is a mental illness.

May I ask you: I have a friend who is a hoarder. He says he hates it and finds it disgusting. His father was a hoarder and my friend loathed living in those conditions when he was growing up. Yet he is now the same. Is there any insight you might be willing to share as to why this might be? I know you can't speak for anyone else but I would dearly love to know why this has happened.

Q2: I read somewhere that all of the items in their hoard have sentimental value to a hoarder. In the same way that a treasured photo is not just "a bit of paper" to a non-hoarder (even though it is technically just a bit of paper) all the items hold sentimental value in the case of hoarding. Would you say that was correct?

Thank you so much if you are able to give a response to either of my questions, and thank you so much also for starting the thread.

You have my sympathies. A close relative was bad, things got out of hand before they died. Dealing with the mess, dirt and trying to find the valuable things as you describe above was dreadful. Growing up with this has affected me forever, dealing with the aftermath was scarring. To the extent that I'm ultra aware of how much stuff I have and constantly wary of accumulating. Lockdown has been very hard for this as going to the tip or charity shop is no longer an on the way past kind of job. I hope you find a way out. Have you been able to access help?

Do you talk about childhood issues in therapy or do you talk about the hoarding? Has the therapy reduced your need to hoard at all?

@SnowyOwlWanMarie Kondo? Dont swear at me 🤣🤣🤣🤣 yes I have both books ( bought for me) she horrified me 🤣🤣