I'm a hoarder, AMA ( except for my bank details 🤣)

[HoarderAMA]

Just that really. Inspired by another thread.

It's a MH condition as set out in the DSM5.

I often feel it is the most shameful MH condition and no amount of "Be kind" would ever change that.

I dont think it will ever be one of the accepted conditions and it is full of shame and secrecy. I cant see that ever changing

Can I ask please? If you have been brought up in a hoarding household, are you now a hoarder or the opposite (or somewhere in between)?

Many many years of living without many possessions. I would clean out my stuff and just be minimalistic. I was also obsessively tidy.
Now I have kids and am married, I would say I am "normal". When I'm stressed I clean, I will have clear outs a few times a year but I now have and live with the normal levels of clutter.

My sister is a hoarder, as are her children. I have to go round and clear her house for fear of social service involvement. Interesting that people say it comes from trauma, I believe both my sister and dad have autism as the diagnosed members of my family are also hoarders. Not saying that autism and hoarding are 100% together but in my family it appears to be.

I had a close friend who was a hoarder and she asked me to intervene and help for the sake of her child. We hired a skip and threw out so much stuff. I was surprised at how much of it was brand new- bags with new clothes and stationery etc untouched. We sold loads of stuff and made enough to buy her a new fridge. But she didn’t feel right without all her stuff and it built up again. Her landlord gave her notice and more friends went in and helped her clear out so she could move. She was such a kind person who didn’t seem to think she deserved to seek professional help. She’s since passed away but I often think of her.

This book looks great, it was just recommended to me. It's all about how to get organised when you have ADHD. The chaos is describes sounds just like a hoarder's house but it's about the chaos that comes from living with ADHD.

You can read quite a bit using the "look inside" feature:

Order from Chaos: the Everyday Grind of Staying Organised by Jaclyn Paul

@NotanotherboxofFrogs well done. I would love to fully recover. I presume some people can? I need to think of my myself as a alcoholic as in I could slip off the wagon at any time. I am so happy that you got help. I think its thin on the ground? Most of the other people in my therapy group was not there from choice. A lot was under pressure from SS and landlords, MH teams. I am highly motivated to be in charge and remain so which also helps me tick along off radar.

If it's under control there is nothing to enforce.

I'm definitely going to try to get some rooms down to at least two next month. Thank you

@Quaagars yes I do realise who much expects people I live with and it hurts. I feel shame and dirty and worthless then I want to hoard to feel better. I have to battle not to go into that cycle any more.

I really try not to go into bins after things dh throws away. We take things to the dump or charity and then it's gone forever. I get over it pretty fast thank god

@PandemicPalava yes it honestly gets easier the more you do. Read up on CBT, it's about challenging and changing your thoughts for good.

To start off with I would set a timer for say 10 minutes. Then really quickly go through a pile. Then instantly get rid of what I could do easily. Things I wasnt sure about I put straight back. Then once the time was up. Bin or car boot for charity. The next time I might be uncertain about the same items, but by the third pass I was thinking " you have procrastinated twice over this, it's not important" and then could let it go. Key is not to get stuck or just churn things

@ghostofchristmasyesterday yes tbh I suspect I have ASD. Painfully quite as a child and couldn't keep friends. My field is science and i was a programmer so my a typical path for a woman and that all points to ASD. My son has ASD. I suspect my mum.does but she also has some kind of Personality disorder. Again it's all politely ignored.

I am quite but socailable too. I have a handful of good friends. I hide it from some. I do t like having anyone around. It's really hard. I suspect we subconsciously push people away? Which again is strange as I hate being lonely.

This has motivated me to bleach my bathroom. Be back later

@HoarderAMA thank you I will try that, I can cope with 10 minutes I think. Churning is my nemesis, I've been doing that today and I temporarily feel better but I know it hasn't helped

@HoarderAMA wow the bin resistance thing is real! I have to put things out close to bin day so I don't have the tug. I also struggle with food, not throwing it away when it's past it's best as I feel upset I haven't used it and think I will use it in something. I think one of my main issues is that I see potential in everything, very crafty, cook a lot, and feel shame in throwing the potential in something away.

This thread has been incredibly helpful, thank you

I like this thread...not just because mum hoarded but it seems to be quite common...I have 2 neighbours who hoard....1. has 3 storage containers...pays over £120 a month rent on them...she knows its a waste of money and rarely visits them to retrieve anything and she is aware she has a problem.

1. Husband hoards....wife has now consulted solicitors about a divorce etc...He works at a large diy store and brings home ex display sheds, damaged paint etc etc....also searches skips and brings more stuff home !

@SonEtLumiere what do I expect from.the post?

To make it less taboo and shed some light I guess? I dont need sympathy or validation. I have had therapy for that. I dont need validation that it's ok for the kids. If I thought like that I wouldnt have gone into therapy because I would be in the mindset that it's not a problem.

What would say to my kids if they self harmed? I suspect I wouldnt tell them.to buck their ideas up and just stop being such a freak. I would hope that i had enough foresight to realise that a totally healthy teen wouldnt cut themselves out of the blue for no reason. Ask them why and what it gives them, redirect them to another healthier tried and tested treatment. Something that gives the feeling but not the scar and wean off from there. Or maybe I would fall short. I dont know for sure. It's easier to give advice than to take it.

Does it negatively weigh on me? Yes it's not my lifestyle of choice really. I didnt grow up wanting to be a hoarder.

Most of my hoard is clothes, so I could live without most of it.

Well I do worry that if a had a big tragic event I could spiral but I would hope I could avoid that for my kids sake. I can hope. Hopefully I will continue to be self aware which helps.

Will I post a photo? Hmmm maybe.

@Bathroom12345 if someone doesnt see hoarding as a problem then I agree it's practically impossible to help them. Most hoarders have had a trama that triggers the behaviour and it can be from.childhood. if you dont face your demons they tend to haunt you at some point, like another stressful event. Mind you lots of people have trama but not everyone goes onto hoard. If you had very little as a child or had prized possessions removed as a child or other things that predispose you to be a hoarder

You have to admit its unhealthy before you can fix it. Fortunately I dont keep liter or rubbish so no mice or infestations. But it's the same thought process. I have met people who literally cant throw away the labels from cans. I cant understand it, but it's just a more severe form of what I'm doing. It seems so crippling from the outside. One thing in common is that we need to be in control, but at the same time incapable of making very simple decisions when it comes to belongings. Big desisions, critical desisions under pressure I'm very good at. Maybe because I have no emotional attachments at work

@earsup I dont ever feel any urge to go through skips but I do charity shops for the kids clothes or second hand furniture. I have about 8 wooden chairs in my garage.

Luckily you can only justify so many chairs so furniture accumulation was short lived. With charity shop clothes I try to just look for the brands I like so now I can enjoy a look in the shops and come out most of the time with nothing. If it's not in the next two sizes up or not my brands I cant have it. Also as get some things from charity shops, I find it easier to let the clothes go back there for someone else to get a buzz from.

@tuttifuckinfruity yes I can now have a look and leave things but I can only do that in the last few years. I tend to think of my wardrobe and go off buying things. Like looking at a cake and then a imagine of yourself in a bikini popping into your head.

During the pandemic I quite like filling up shopping baskets on my phone and not buying any of it.

That does feel like fun and of course no guilt the next day.

I’m glad you’ve had help op. I’ve been in numerous hoarders houses in a professional capacity and it is such a sad illness.
Please do get a fire risk assessment though, this was not too far away from me.
www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/amp/uk-england-merseyside-37769522

The site has never been built on since.

Hi OP, thank you for starting this thread, it's completely changed how I'll think about hoarding from now on, and I really admire your candour and grace in all your answers. Best of luck for the future x

One of the reasons I like shopping for new things, is because clothes in stores are displayed neatly in order. Whereas at home, there are too many clothes and I often can't find what I'm looking for, or forget that I have it.
This thread has inspired me to have a cull store them better. I know it will go wrong in a few weeks when I'm too lazy to put away laundry properly though.

123,884 pins. That's how many pins I have on my Pinterest account, I just checked.
I guess that's my virtual version of hoarding. I have boards for everything, from pink handbags to rainbow colored kitchen utensils. I go in and look at my boards and it gives me a buzz.
It's a problem in the sense it consumes a lot of my time but it's all locked away virtually and isn't in anyone else's way. I never thought of it as hoarding before but this thread has got me thinking. Maybe if I didn't have this outlet I would be collecting real objects instead.

@CatbearAmo if it's not causing you or anyone else harm, then it's not that unhealthy. If it's taking up as much time as playing a game then it sounds like its something I should be doing instead.

I do have pinterest and there are some bags that are calling to me. I dont need them. They are travel bags and I'm going nowhere. Plus I dread to think how many bags I have ( I can also lie to myself and say its 20 but if counted them it might be 40 odd, which wouldnt be a issue in itself, in a bigger house, if i didnt also have say 30 of everything in my wardrobe).

@RelivingHell

As the daughter of a hoarder I can quite confidently say that I am the opposite. I’m overwhelmed by clutter and having too many things. I regularly throw stuff away - probably once a month. My partner places nostalgic value on inanimate objects such as cars, cards, souvenirs and we have many arguments!

Thanks for this thread OP. My DM is a hoarder - clean but thousands of possessions. It will be a nightmare one day to clear her house. I am a paler version of her - I've always had clutter. The garage is a nightmare. I can sort an area but it takes ages. And I never feel that I have the year it would take to sort it out.

Being "green" has been a block for me - not wanting to add to landfill. I'm getting better at achieving throwing things in the rubbish if there is no practical way to get it recycled or reused.

Having cleared my DF home. It really won’t be clean, you cannot have huge amounts of stuff and be cleaning it as normal. Eventually the cleaning will be left because it becomes impossible to do anything.

I wish I had sorted out my DH house before it got to be so overwhelming. He honestly could have had his own documentary on hoarding - it really was that bad. He was also very lazy so combined with his need to collect bargains (which he never used) it became unmanageable.

Eventually muggins here got it cleared. It was a horrible, disgusting mess and the clearance company and myself had to wear gloves and masks.

If you saw my middle sister's home you would think she is a hoarder. Nothing ever gets thrown away, tidied up, cleaned, put away and she loves buying stuff. But she has no emotional attachment to any of it, you could go in and clear it and it wouldn't bother her one way or the other. She has Aspergers and simply doesn't see the shit hole she lives in

My DH is a hoarder and I had too many things. In January this year l decided enough was enough and led by example getting rid of my excess. It is easier for me as I do not have the same emotional attachment as he does. We were due to have new furniture, redecoration and carpets so this acted as a spur. I got DH on board to a certain extent and now that everywhere looks so nice - definitely not Marie Kondo minimalist style but tidy - he is keen to keep it this way. He still has a hoard but it is confined to his office and his side of the bedroom. Boundaries are important. It means that when we can have visitors there will be no embarrassment when they come in.