I was the OW during an affair. AMA

[PeachesTheFlamingo]

I was single. He was married with two children. We had a sexual relationship for approximately 12 months. Ask me anything...

(Yes, I am aware and understand that this post may attract a lot of flame and "So what?", "Who cares?" comments ......but I've created it for anyone who may want to ask relevant questions.

I can relate to some of what you've said, OP - although I have never been an OW I have a 'one that got away' who has a similar personality, very charming and highly sexed and persistent. I know the hold these types of people can exert and I'm glad you're free now. And to those who are castigating the OP, life is not black and white. Affairs happen for a multitude of reasons and it doesn't mean those involved are all evil vipers. For anyone interested, Esther Perel has written a lot about the complexities of affairs.

Yes! That's exactly what it was like. An anti-relationship. I think everyone believes that the OW is in her element, but like you've pointed out, that's not always the case, a lot of the time, poor mental wellbeing and low self-esteem have a bit part to play and the affair is a desperate attempt at filling a void.

I agree & that's why I think these threads can provide insight. Realistically what women wants to be the OW if they value themselves?

As another poster said I think it can also highlight that there are certain men out there who know how to & do target vulnerable women.

How and why did the affair end? And who ended it?

[quote PeachesTheFlamingo]@leolion1

How long did it take you from realising you were being used to your feelings changing? I'm in this situation now and it's miserable. I don't know how to stop loving him.

The affair lasted around 12 months. I would say for the first 7 months I thought I was happy. Over the the last 5 months my feeling started to change. I missed the friendship side of things now that sex had become his sole intention and I started to realise that he wasn't a friend, he was using me. My feelings dwindled and I fell out of love with him. The last couple of months of the affair I started to feel really uncomfortable meeting up with him and sleeping with him.

It is miserable, isn't it? I think most people think the OW is reveling, when really it's actually quite a depressing reality.

It took for me to realise I was being used by a so-called-friend for me to lose my feeling for him and walk away.
What is stopping you from walking away? Is he promising he'll leave his wife? You need to try and find a way of coming to the realisation that the situation is not good for you and is only going to cause you hurt.[/quote]
He has never done or said anything to make me think he would ever leave his wife or that I'm of any importance to him whatsoever. I have actually recently ended things but I work with him and it's painful seeing him daily and not speaking when I still have feelings for him.
This thread has helped so much. As the OW you are isolated, it's not the sort of thing you sit and chat with your friends about and get the usual perspective and support as you would in any other relationship, I've tried to speak to friends but there is an immediate disapproving look and change of subject. Or they say what a dick and horrible person he is like I should think oh yeah this man I'm in love with, bit of a dick isn't he I'll just move on and go on my merry way. It's not helpful and doesn't give you the strength to get out of the situation.

@PicsInRed @WunWun

"Why are you proud enough of it to start the thread?"
Narcissism.

I never said I was proud, and I am far from a narc. I am actually very empathetic. The affair was out of character for me. 3 years later and my actions and behaviour still bother me. I can't relate to the person I was during the affair.

I think modelling and how our parents relationships panned out has a big impact on how we act in our adult relationships even if we aren't aware of it. A lot of women who have affairs report very low mental health or go on to realise they have a personality disorder. I've known a few who say they can't even recognise themselves as they were in the affair. It's as if it was someone else. It's feeding a fairly fucked up need somewhere in there. To just judge and say it's lack of moral fibre doesn't really take into account any of the complexities that occur inside intimate relationships. I've never known a woman who had their needs met as a child and who came from a stable loving family go on to be the OW. I hope you're able to forgive yourself OP. You've clearly done a lot of work in trying to understand what went on in that time for you and I think it's commendable.

@jessstan1

There's no point in beating yourself up about the past. It happened, it's over. I bet you are the only one really hurt too.

Move forward, you have a whole life ahead of you.

Yes, you're right. I was probably the only one that got hurt. I'm relieved his wife and kids didn't. I wouldn't say he got hurt, but rather he was made to feel miserable because he stopped getting sex from me and no longer had someone to moan to about his home life and boost his ego.

Counselling and being in a healthy relationship has helped / is helping me move on and I no longer guilt trip myself over and over, but I do still think about his wife and kids sometimes.

There are a few people on this thread who are taking the moral high ground. We are human beings, hardly anyone can look back over life without some regrets. I know I can't.

Indeed. Everyone makes mistakes, we aren't robots, we are human being. I don't know a single person who can honestly look back on their life and say they have never made a mistake and/or they have no regrets. We learn through life. We know more now about ourselves and others than we did when we were younger. I have better coping strategies now. I'm aware of predatory/opportunistic behaviour now. I know what love-bombing is. I have better mental health now, and my judgement and morals are stronger.

What type of person posts this on mn like a badge of honor. There's 2 heartbreaking threads about wife's/partners with young callous who have caught their dh in an affair and you think this acceptable to post this

I think you have been very candid op and in many ways your path to this point makes a lot of sense, if your life was the story line of a novel it would be easy to see the forces at play that brought you through that time. It has clearly been an experience that has triggered some personal growth as you have acted and intend to continue to act on the wisdom it gave you. I think if you had me regrets that would say more about who you are, but that you think more about the wife and children than him and retrospectively feel horror at the close call you had to bringing there lives into a crisis is more telling.
Does your current partner know about it? If so how have they reached or if not, do you hope to tell them one day or dead them finding out?

Reacted not reached. And the other autocorrect errors. 🙄

@AllsortsofAwkward

What type of person posts this on mn like a badge of honor. There's 2 heartbreaking threads about wife's/partners with young callous who have caught their dh in an affair and you think this acceptable to post this

Who is posting like a 'badge of honour'? Certainly not the op; if you read her posts you will see she is genuinely regretful. what is more she is the only one in the scenario who has been hurt. There's nothing arrogant about her.

It certainly is acceptable to post a thread like this. Nobody has to read it but it does go some way towards explaining how easy it is to slip in to a relationship with married person.

We're all human beings on here and we make mistakes.

Well said jesstan1

Do you think you would have still done what you did if you had have met his wife and children previously?

@NandaKanda

Why are so many posters completely ignoring that his wife was thought to have had an affair first. So many affairs are retaliatory.
I think there's definitely something in what you've said. Of course I will never know if what he said it true or not, but it's what he told me at the time.
He suspected an affair had taken place between his wife and her ex-colleague. He was very bitter when mentioning his wife's ex-colleague.
He didn't know their affair had taken place until after it was over. He went through her phone and found text conversations that indicated an affair had taken place and then ended. He didn't confront his wife.
However, a while later, he noticed a text message pop up on his wife's phone. He said it was the ex colleague asking "Where did you go? Call me back" ..suggesting she was on the phone to the ex-colleague and hung up when he walked into the room. Later that day he asked her how the ex-colleague was and his wife said she hadn't seen him or heard from him in ages.

Considering he always sounded so bitter when talking about the ex-colleague, he actually didn't seem that bothered about his wife potentially having had an affair.

Appreciate your honesty OP. Unfortunately you've set yourself up as a whipping girl for the vengeful.
You're welcome. I expected a bit of a bashing, and I probably deserve some of it. It's ok though, I've bashed myself about the affair plenty of the past few years, I'm used to it.

@PeachesTheFlamingo thanks for answering about blocking him.

Personally, I would block. Sounds like you’ve done a lot of work on yourself in the past few years and getting herself involved with her with only blow your world wide open. That’s not even considering what it would do to her’s and her children’s!

Plus you say you don’t want him to think he’s bothering you but honestly does it matter? You’re so sure you’ll never go back there, you’re not friends anymore.

I mean, so what if he notices and thinks something of it?

@TheMamaYo

I hope you can put it firmly behind you and move on. I remember the sadness my father's numerous affairs caused in our house, and I honestly hope that you never have to live through that with your own children. To this day I can't really trust as I know I should.

I hope so to. Whilst I don't know for sure that my father cheated on my mother, I'm pretty confident that was the cause of the breakdown of the marriage. I remember a lot of sadness and upset in my mother.

I'm wishing you well, we all learn from our mistakes, of which I have made plenty. Good luck for the future.
Thank you. I have certainly learned from my mistakes. I'm not perfect, but I try to be a better person every day.

If you were truly sorry you would have blocked him. Why haven’t you?

Also, you were so disrespectful to your long term relationship by letting him message inappropriately and not shutting that down. It’s a cop out to say he’s the one that got away for you if that is the case then you weren’t honest with your partner and you should not have been in a relationship when you were still pining for this horrible man.

@Trogladite

"Affairs do happen" is a disgusting attitude to your behaviour.
I'm not saying it makes them right, but, affairs do happen. Would you rather no one talks about them? Shall we all pretend that every relationship/marriage is happy and both partners are faithful. That won't make them go away. Not talking about affairs also wont make them go away.

Being on the receiving end of an affair and the callous attitude, lies and endless justification which lands upon the victim is horrific. What you did was disgusting and starting a thread about it 'to talk about this thing which happens' is in incredibly poor taste.
Yes, I see now how horrific it would be to be on the receiving end of an affair. Unfortunately, at the time of the affair, I didn't see that. I didn't consider his wife and children. But I do now, and I realise the potential hurt I could have caused. I am sorry for what I did.

I disagree that creating this post is in poor taste. Yes, it might be a subject that some people have no interest in or it may be uncomfortable/upsetting for some - but I am not forcing anyone to read this thread. No one has to look at it. I have explained my reasons for creating this thread and there have been some genuine questions asked and I have done my best to answer them.
You may find this post bad taste and you are entitled to your opinion, but you do not speak for everyone and I have had some comments from PP on this thread letting me know that they have found it interesting and have thanked me for starting it and answering questions.

To be an OW is to be, quite frankly, a nasty piece of work. As is the cheating partner - for slightly different reasons but nasty all the same.
OK. I guess that's fair I under the circumstances, I suppose. You know nothing about me about than the fact I was the OW. So you only have that information to judge me on. There is much much more to me than the fact I was the OW, but I very much doubt you are the slightest bit interested. I think you've made your mind up based on one aspect of my past.

@Gwenhwyfar

"I suppose if the potential OW/OM said No to an affair because they wouldn’t want to collude in causing pain to someone else, the married person would find it impossible to have an affair?"

All of them? That would never happen would it. And what about one night stands and prostitutes? The married person is the one who should stay faithful. It's not women's job to be the guardian of men's morality.

@Gwenhwyfar

Really good point! Well said.
Even if every man/woman said "No" to having an affair and therefore it was made impossible... it doesn't take away the fact that the intention was there!!

Does your current partner know about it? If so, how have they reacted, or if not, do you hope to tell them one day or dread them finding out?

@PandemicAtTheDisco

I don't think you can be so certain his wife didn't know.
You're right, I can't know for sure. I don't know her. Never met her. He may have invented her affair, perhaps thinking it would make me feel sorry for him. It didn't. His wife potentially having had an affair didn't really have any relevance to my decision to get involved with him.

I think your ex likely behaved differently with her and she will have picked up things weren't quite right. He will have probably accused her of cheating to deflect from his behaviour. He will have told her she was paranoid. She might have felt alone in her marriage and not know how to fix it.

That's very possible and very likely. I've no idea of the dynamics of their relationship other than what he told me about her - and as we've mentioned, who knows if he was being truthful with me. As someone who suffers from anxiety and associated paranoia, I am now able to think about how she may have picked up on things at the time and how she may have been paranoid (rightfully so) and how this would have made her feel. I feel awful that my decisions may have made her feel that way.

I wanted to add my voice to those saying I understand the reason you made this thread and I've found it interesting to read.

I also think you've been very balanced and honest in your answers.

Does anyone else know about your affair- (other than your counsellor- friends/family etc)? And do you worry about people's reaction if they knew?

I would imagine it would be quite isolating when you were feeling low in the last months of your affair but no one knew about it

I'm glad to see more balanced views about the OW. Most threads usually dehumanise her and put most blame on her (rather than the cheating partner).

@ChickensMightFly

Does your current partner know about it? If so, how have they reacted, or if not, do you hope to tell them one day or dread them finding out?

Op has already said he doesn't know!

That's very possible and very likely. I've no idea of the dynamics of their relationship other than what he told me about her - and as we've mentioned, who knows if he was being truthful with me. As someone who suffers from anxiety and associated paranoia, I am now able to think about how she may have picked up on things at the time and how she may have been paranoid (rightfully so) and how this would have made her feel. I feel awful that my decisions may have made her feel that way.

Peaches, it is good that you feel regret but honestly, please don't dwell on what might not be; your affair has been over for a while now and if his wife did have any suspicions, they will have faded (unless he has picked up with someone else but that isn't your problem).

The chances are he has come to his senses, people do. At least we hope so.

Have a good life. Someone has rigorously honest as you deserves that. We all live and learn.