I was the OW during an affair. AMA

[PeachesTheFlamingo]

I was single. He was married with two children. We had a sexual relationship for approximately 12 months. Ask me anything...

(Yes, I am aware and understand that this post may attract a lot of flame and "So what?", "Who cares?" comments ......but I've created it for anyone who may want to ask relevant questions.

Thanks for sharing op.

Do you think this is a healthy way to spend your Friday night? Putting on a hair shirt and flagellating yourself for Mumsnet?

Take care of yourself .

@ultrababy

I think it is an interesting post and worthy of discussion. I have been the OW many years ago and it went on for several years. Looking back there was a script and he followed it to a tee. Honestly I never gave his wife a second thought and at times was annoyed at her for being in the way of our relationship. That wasn’t true of course and it wasn’t some cosmic connection, it was seedy,dishonest and demoralising. It ended when for the seventh year he went on holidays with some excuse as to why it wasn’t what I thought it was. I just cut contact. He went on to have several other long term affairs but is still with his wife. What do I think now? I am mortified by my attitude back then and am appalled that I was willing to break up an entire family because I felt we couldn’t help we fell in love. I don’t recognise that person in myself many years later and that is primarily because I have a higher level of want I want for myself and what I will accept for others. I’m not proud of myself but accept it was who I was back then.

@ultrababy

Well said! We are all human beings, with instincts and desires. We also all have flaws (no one is perfect), and we certainly all make mistakes.
What defines us is not necessarily the mistake but being able to realise we're wrong, putting a stop to it and then empowering ourselves so we can grow and learn from that mistake to become a better person, and rectify (if possible) any damage we may have caused.

Like you, I look back on the person I was during the affair and I don't recognize her. Before the breakdown of my relationship, would never have acted in the way I did, and I certainly wouldn't now. I know for a fact I'd never do it again because, like you, I am a better, stronger person now.

A very interesting thread which really displays our misogynistic cultural attitudes to sex.
I sincerely doubt you'd have received so much vitriol if you had been a single male having sex with a married woman.
As a woman, you are expected to be the gatekeeper of men's sexual desires. To be the one who protects his wife and children from his potential betrayals, despite the fact you've never met them.
It's so sad.
He was the married one, not you. He has the parental responsibilities, not you.

@tigger001

Firstly, No one has the right to tell you what you should or should not start a thread about, they don't have to comment or stay on it.

I have never had an affair but I can understand putting someone on a pedestal and its only when it becomes reality, you realise it's no at all what you hoped for, that is the basis for many, many affairs,,so I do get that bit.

The bit I don't understand is, you say you loved him and were besotted with him, but initially didn't want to "end up with him", surely if you love him, that's exactly what you do want ???

HE is the person who is responsible for the disrespect and disgraceful behaviour towards his wife, it obviously doesn't show you in a great light, but no one is perfect.

@tigger001

Thank you.

The bit I don't understand is, you say you loved him and were besotted with him, but initially didn't want to "end up with him", surely if you love him, that's exactly what you do want ???
I understand your point, and it does make sense. But when the affair started, he made no mention of leaving his wife and it was obvious that the relationship would be the odd meet up when possible. Because I wanted him, I accepted that. I tried to kid myself that I was strong enough emotionally to handle that, but I wasn't. As the affair went on, I found it harder and harder each time he'd leave me to go back home to his wife and kids. That's when I started to fantasise about him leaving his wife for me, but I never told him that was how I felt. I kept it to myself. Then, I eventually started seeing him in a different light. Realised he wasn't the person I had fallen in love with all those years ago. My feeling for him faded and I no longer wanted to be with him and did not want him to leave his wife.

@HaggisBurger

Hi OP. Does your new partner know about the affair?
No, he doesn't. I've told him about my history of depression and anxiety, some other aspects of my past that have impacted me, and he knows about my counselling and CBT.

I’m glad you’ve found happiness. No judgment here. Life is complicated.
Thank you. I appreciate it .

@leolion1

How long did it take you from realising you were being used to your feelings changing? I'm in this situation now and it's miserable. I don't know how to stop loving him.

The affair lasted around 12 months. I would say for the first 7 months I thought I was happy. Over the the last 5 months my feeling started to change. I missed the friendship side of things now that sex had become his sole intention and I started to realise that he wasn't a friend, he was using me. My feelings dwindled and I fell out of love with him. The last couple of months of the affair I started to feel really uncomfortable meeting up with him and sleeping with him.

It is miserable, isn't it? I think most people think the OW is reveling, when really it's actually quite a depressing reality.

It took for me to realise I was being used by a so-called-friend for me to lose my feeling for him and walk away.
What is stopping you from walking away? Is he promising he'll leave his wife? You need to try and find a way of coming to the realisation that the situation is not good for you and is only going to cause you hurt.

I don't think you can be so certain his wife didn't know.

I think your ex likely behaved differently with her and she will have picked up things weren't quite right. He will have probably accused her of cheating to deflect from his behaviour. He will have told her she was paranoid. She might have felt alone in her marriage and not know how to fix it.

@Flowerpot345

Do you believe in Karma? And that you might be in the wifes postition one day?
No, I don't believe in karma.
Yes, it's possible that one day I might be in his wife's position. I hope not. I suppose it's possible that anyone in a relationship could one day end up in his wife's position.

@RUOKHon

I think, maybe because I had never really been in a happy relationship myself, I didn't understand the value of the family unit,marriage, LT relationship I didn't fully appreciate that I could potentially hurt his wife and kids

This is an interesting point. When I was the OW, I had never had a happy or healthy relationship. I understood what a good relationship was in the abstract, but didn’t have any experience of what it felt like to be in one.

Now, many years later, I have a great marriage and lovely children and I can very easily imagine the hurt and devastation an affair would cause.

In fact, someone in my extended family is having a long term affair and I find it so abhorrent I wish I could go NC. Because I totally get it now.

@RUOKHon

Until now, all my previous relationships have been dog poo!
Sexually touched at 15 by a boy two years older than me.
Physically assaulted by my first boyfriend when I was 17. He also cheated.
Second boyfriend was actually in a relationship with someone else (I was unknowingly the OW!)
Met the subject of the affair when I was 19. Feel in love with him but as a twenty-something lad, he was interested in having as much fun as possible with as many girls as possible.
Cheated on by two other boyfriends.
Had a long term relationship with someone I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. However, it was not a healthy relationship. It broke down and it destroyed me.
The subject of the affair then saw his opportunity and took it.
Dated a guy afterwards who was a serial cheat. I had to report him to the police for threatening behaviour and harassment.
Then briefly dated a guy who was only after one thing from me.

I had no experiences of a positive relationship. I don't think I was ever really been able to appreciate what a healthy relationship entailed until I sought counselling and met my current partner.

@MushMonster

He had two children you said. Did you ever think of the effect in their lives if he was found out and the marriage finished ?

During the affair, no I didn't consider his children and the impact to them if he had been found out.
I'm fully aware now and regret what I did and am remorseful. I am very relieved that they weren't hurt by my actions.

@ShagMeRiggins
@OhCaptain

"Why haven’t you blocked him?"

Yeah, actually, that’s a really good question.

You stated upthread how horrible you find him now, how he used you etc, and it’s something to ask yourself. Why haven’t you blocked him and removed him from your life, especially as you’re now in a good relationship.

This actually came up a while ago with my counsellor. I removed him from my social media accounts, but haven't blocked him on WhatsApp. I don't contact him now. He sends the odd meme or link.

I genuinely have no feeling for him now and I have no intention of ever getting involved with him again, so I'm not leaving the door open.

I think I am still exploring whether or not I believe I have an obligation to tell his wife. Perhaps I am leaving an option for him to say something inappropriate to me so I have an excuse to contact his wife, with evidence? Would I actually go through with this though, I don't know.

Perhaps, I'm conscious that by blocking him it might appear that I am bothered by him or that he has a hold over me or he is having an affect on me. That's not the case and I don't want him to think he has that power over me.

I don't really know. I think I should block him though.

@CailleachO

Can I ask what your parents relationship was like?

Mother and father divorced when I was 7. I remember then arguing, but not the content of the arguments. Mother was usually upset during them. I suspect (and it's been lightly hinted at) that my father was unfaithful.

Father moved on and met someone new. They married and are still together.

Mother met someone who was violent towards her. She had an affair and thankfully left the abusive partner. She got married, but later divorced. She was single for a long time, but is now in a new relationship.

@SoPanny

I know this is really odd but when you guys spoke on the phone what did you actually speak about?

I ask because we think of affairs as these tense, sexually charged fuckfests which burn bright and die out but were you chatting about stuff that was - quite frankly - mundane shit or did you find yourself falling into the role of counsellor etc?

When he was pursing the affair, he was full of flattery. Constant compliments. To a deeply depressed person, it was music to my ears hearing that from someone I'd been in love with for +10 years.

Once the affair started, the flattery died off and mostly we would talk about mundane crap. He would moan about his wife and kids a lot. I made a point never to join in with this. I didn't know them. I just let him get it off his chest, so I guess I did sort of become like a counsellor for him. We'd talk about work, current affairs, just dull stuff really. However, he always found a way of turning the conversation into a sexual conversation. It eventually got predictable and annoying and the sexual nature of the conversations started to take over and become the sole content of the conversations. I realised the friendship had died on his part. He no longer asked me how I was and went straight into asking what I wanted him to do to me.. etc etc, you get the idea.

@PandemicAtTheDisco

Did he tell you he loved you?

No, he didn't.
I never told him I loved him.

@Messagetoyoucassie

You realise it is dead easy to have an affair with a married man? There are tons of them just waiting to cop off with some woman who will feed their egos. Not make demands on them, like the Evil Wives (demands =life). I wouldn't boast about it.

Urm.. I'm not boasting!

@feministfemme

Do you feel any obligation to tell her?

Yes. No. I'm not sure. I still haven't worked this out. Still struggling with it.
On one hand, she should know who her husband really is and should have all the facts so that she can make an informed choice as to whether she wants to be with him.
On the other hand, telling her could end the marriage and breakdown the family unit. This could have huge implications on her and the children.

@Notverybright

Thanks for sharing op.

You're welcome.

Do you think this is a healthy way to spend your Friday night? Putting on a hair shirt and flagellating yourself for Mumsnet?
I just had to Google "hair shirt". Perhaps MN is not the best platform for this, but I have learned not to bottle things up. Talking helps me, and can help others too. I had seen quite a few posts recently from women wanting answers from OW. That prompted me to start the thread. I do feel bad for what I did, so if I am able to help anyone else or make some good out of a bad decision, then hopefully I have done that.

Take care of yourself
You too

I've read a lot of posts on MN over the past couple of years about extra-marital affairs and it typically involves a man targeting a vulnerable woman

The worst was a man who had access to HR records at his workplace and would pursue women who had or were going through mental health issues.

It paints a really really bad image of what men find attractive in a woman, ie exaggerated neediness...!

This has been really interesting. Thank you for starting this thread.

You are right - this should be discussed on here

This has been really interesting. Thank you for starting this thread.
*
You are right - this should be discussed on here*

^^absolutely this.

Take care, OP. Really interesting thread and well done on ignoring the flamers, with grace.

I get you OP. Some people don't have that 'one who got away' person in their life and I think thats why you are taking some stick about this. I can totally understand how this situation came about and I'm glad you have now recognised him for what he truly is. Your life will be better without him and I genuinely wish you all the best.

This.

You are getting a very hard time here but for many there has never been that 'if only' person.

Ultimately he was the person in the relationship that should have thought of his wife/his kids. Its so easy to blame the OW. Perhaps it helps wives/partners stay in marriages when affairs are discovered, if they can blame the OW and not their own spouses.

FWIW I would not tell his wife. That is up to him.

I have a 'one that got away'. There was huge attraction on my part, not so much on his sadly, and we both ended up meeting someone else. He sends messages sometimes telling me what a mistake he made and how he doesn't and never has loved the mother of his child. Oddly I believe that part. However I don't believe I was his 'true love' . The reality was I was an ego boost. I'm pretty sure he has chats with other women saying the same thing too. Despite all this, I fantasise about what could have been. The mind truly is a strange thing.

Yes it is interesting.

No do not think of telling the man's wife. Your affair is long over and you've both moved on, there is no point.

Be happy.

I've been reading back a bit to what I missed earlier.

I think you have been remarkably brave to post this, exposing yourself as you have to judgement. I said before and will say again that I am amazed at so many people taking the moral high ground, not many people are perfect. It's not as if you are the OW now, you saw how wrong it was and ended the affair. You are the one who has been hurt, nobody else.

Take care of yourself. Not all men are like him, I hope the man you are now with is a decent one. The ex-one is history.

I think you are right in needing to block him on everything. It sounds like WhattsApp is your last link to him and that you are not ready to move on completely from him. You need that last connection?

Can you be certain you won't ever be struggling again and become vulnerable to your previous feelings for him? I think cutting off that possibility might be wise.

Could you be subconsciously thinking the possibility of getting back with him still exists?

My ex shows contempt for most of the women he's been involved with - he never promised them anything, they knew what they were getting into, they were available and he was drunk. They're dirty sluts and he'd never be interested in anything serious with that type. They are harmless fun and as long as I don't find out them it doesn't matter. They just don't matter to him as people.

I do feel sad for them. I would not want to get involved in a relationship with someone that could cheat on a partner. I want to be able to trust my partner and have a proper, full time, solid relationship with them - not scrape a few hours here and there and knowingly sharing with his main family. I know I deserve a better man.

I'm now the 'bitter' ex. He was unhappy and chose to be unfaithful rather than work on the relationship with me or let me leave and find someone else.

Years later and I still struggle to trust in men and give them a proper chance. Some of the OW/ONS are damaged. In his own way he is just as damaged. I'm not hurting others by my actions though.

His new partner doesn't like me talking or texting with my ex. She doesn't want him meeting me without her being there. I have told her that I am not interested but she doesn't trust me/him? We have a daughter and need to arrange her shared care. I wonder why she has no trust.

In addition to him taking advantage I wonder too if in some sense he seemed initially a bit safe after the end of your long term relationship? He was someone you knew, someone you’d adored, someone who was love-bombing you & as he was married so on some level you knew he couldn’t get close enough to hurt you? I mean, you got hurt anyway, but he may have seemed safe?

I’m glad to see some kindness for you here; people get on their high horse about it usually (my exhusband had an affair but I didn’t blame her). People make mistakes, fall in love, etc.