I was the OW during an affair. AMA

[PeachesTheFlamingo]

I was single. He was married with two children. We had a sexual relationship for approximately 12 months. Ask me anything...

(Yes, I am aware and understand that this post may attract a lot of flame and "So what?", "Who cares?" comments ......but I've created it for anyone who may want to ask relevant questions.

[RUOKHon]

I think this is often the case. Though not always.
Mine wasn't manipulative or abusive. I don't have low self esteem. My parents have a happy marriage and there's no cheating in my family that I know about. I don't have mh issues nor are vulnerable.
I just fell in love and couldn't see past how much I wanted to be happy in order to be objective about it.

But it’s interesting, isn’t it, that if we were to make a list of undesirable qualities in a potential partner, I’m pretty sure that ‘ability to look someone who trusts them in the eye and outright lie to them’ would be in the top five.

Yet, that’s what we deliberately choose for ourselves in an affair partner isn’t it?

Why? Why would you choose that for yourself? Can we ever truly love a person whom we know has a facility for lying to those closest to them? Is that really love, or something closer to codependency?

It seems incomprehensible to me now that I ever found my affair partner attractive when I knew he would go home to his partner after seeing me and tell her a load of outright lies about where he’d been and what he’d been doing.

[RUOKHon]

I don’t suppose I was ever able to suspend my disbelief enough in order to think he wouldn’t do the same to me.

[affor]

I suppose I don't think about being something I deliberately chose. I mean I never set out to have an affair, it took us 5 years to get there and then I just couldn't imagine my life without him.

But yes objectively of course your right. Why would I want someone who could lie like that? I think when you're in it you think of it as them lying for you, in order to find time for you.

The ironic none script thing about mine was he was so bad at lying we got far less time together it wouldn't even occur to him to take them from his wife or family for me, to sneak out the house to call or lie about working late.

And actually that was I hated, that I felt like he wasn't trying hard enough for me, even though that could have only come about through horrible behaviour. Does that make sense?

[RUOKHon]

And actually that was I hated, that I felt like he wasn't trying hard enough for me, even though that could have only come about through horrible behaviour. Does that make sense?

Yes it does. You wanted him to prioritise you more. And yet he didn’t. And yet you still found that loveable.

I’m not trying to have a go, just pointing out the irrationality of it.

[RUOKHon]

couldn't see past how much I wanted to be happy

I think this statement is very telling. You wanted to be happy to the exclusion of all else. Even though you hated that he didn’t make the effort to create opportunities to see you, you’ve chosen to infer that as proof of his good character and inability to lie, rather than consider the more congruent explanation which is that for him, you were an ad hoc option.

[Honkandhoot]

Not all affairs are the same. Now DH and I had an "exit affair". He was deeply unhappy in his marriage and he told his now ex that he was attracted to someone else and wanted to go to couples counselling. She declined. He left. Our relationship started before he left. If I had to do over again I'd have waited until was divorced. But I was young and full of my own issues. Only when I had my own kids did I have any clue how horrendous it must have all been for his first wife.

[affor]

I know, and yet if he has done all those this to prioritise me, it would have come at the expense of his family and by him lying/gaslighting which would have made him a worse person.

So I couldn't win and he couldn't win. Affairs are usually a zero sum game.

[RUOKHon]

I was young and full of my own issues

See I don’t think that is at all different to what PPs have been saying. You were young and ‘full of issues’ and got drawn into an affair with a married man.

Do you see the pattern that’s emerging on this thread?

[PandemicAtTheDisco]

Thanks for this thread OP. It has been really insightful for me as a cheatee.

I have always been most angry at my ex for his cheating and the emotional turmoil he put me and our child through but as there were several OW/ONS at different times - I mostly never focussed all my anger on an OW (I also lacked any concrete proof until the end - they were all emotional affairs as far as I could tell).

There is one particular OW I still have a lot of anger for. She wanted to replace me and when he cheated on her after I had left (with an OW who I think was actually a potential replacement for me as a serious relationship) she was angry at me as she thought I'd taken him back. I don't understand where her hatred for me came from. I should be thankful to her though because it was her messages to me that led to finally escaping a miserable relationship.

I think you most likely had a lucky escape from your ex, when you were younger and he wasn't ready to settle down. It sounds like he's still not ready. If you'd continued with him and eventually married then you'd probably be in his wife's position now.

[newnameforthis123]

@affor

I know, and yet if he has done all those this to prioritise me, it would have come at the expense of his family and by him lying/gaslighting which would have made him a worse person.

So I couldn't win and he couldn't win. Affairs are usually a zero sum game.

He could have broken up with his wife and had some time being single to heal from that before pursuing things with you.

You could have waited for that to happen to ensure you were both in a good headspace for a relationship with each other.

You could both have 'won' (just using the term you did) without risking other people's mental health and confidence being damaged nearly as much.

[neonjumper]

I wonder how much work you have really done on yourself . There is still a lot of 'he this ', 'he that '.

Very little of this is coming from the 'I ' perspective .

And I wonder how much change internally has really gone on from you ... your admission that you will not completely sever the ties via WhatsApp makes it clear you are not truly remorseful as you are continuing to leave the gateway for contact open ... whether you use it or not is another matter , your refusal to cut this completely shows you are available to him , lurking in the background .

What does this say about you ? What is missing in you that you still need the validation externally from yourself? As long as you are looking for external validation ( from those telling you what a great job you're doing sharing this, letting him know you are still there on WhatsApp ) your self worth , self esteem and self image will not improve . Validation needs to come from within yourself .

Your maintaining the ties, means you measure your worth by what others need from you . You sever the ties and you will have to measure your own worth... you're avoiding this because you don't really value yourself in the first place .

You still need to do a lot of work on yourself .

[AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]

Lesleyw1953

"TazMac
Considering she didn't break any vows, betray her spouse and children or lie to anyone, I'd imagine she can live with herself pretty easily.

Exactly. There have been some very sexist comments on here. Although I suspect a lot of them have been from women who’s husbands have had affairs, taking the opportunity to take out their anger on the OP.
So, it is only your own children you have any responsibility to? (And yes, the cheating man bears the vast majority of that burden - just as the person who drives over a child is to blame more than the witness who does nothing)"

It's not her responsibility to keep that family together or to gatekeep the husband's libido.

If the OP was male and he was having an affair with a married mother, I can guarantee you wouldn't expect him to carry that responsibility.

You've got internalised misogyny issues and your "whatabout" scenario is ridiculous.

[PeachesTheFlamingo]

@headstrong27

Yes! That's exactly what it was like. An anti-relationship. I think everyone believes that the OW is in her element, but like you've pointed out, that's not always the case, a lot of the time, poor mental wellbeing and low self-esteem have a bit part to play and the affair is a desperate attempt at filling a void.

I agree & that's why I think these threads can provide insight. Realistically what women wants to be the OW if they value themselves?

Exactly. I didn't value myself at the time. I wasn't capable of seeing the value in healthy relationships either as I had never been in one.
If I think back to the affair now, I feel really disappointed that I accepted being the OW. It tells me how rock bottom my self-esteem was. Thankfully, I have a lot more self-worth now and I can see the value of a healthy relationship. I find strong women really inspiring. I'm not quite there yet, but I am trying to build myself up to be a really strong woman.

As another poster said I think it can also highlight that there are certain men out there who know how to & do target vulnerable women.
Definitely. Once my relationship broke down and he was aware I was single, he definitely targeted me. I see now what his intentions were, but at the time I thought he was being a friend and I was blinded/sucked in by the "love of my life" finally wanting me.
I just remembered a time he told me about a book he had read. Can't remember the exact title, but it was something like "The Game", but basically it teaches men how to get women in to bed.

[PeachesTheFlamingo]

@BirdsandBeezz

How and why did the affair end? And who ended it?

Both questions have been answered earlier in the thread.

[PeachesTheFlamingo]

@Leolion1

He has never done or said anything to make me think he would ever leave his wife or that I'm of any importance to him whatsoever. I have actually recently ended things but I work with him and it's painful seeing him daily and not speaking when I still have feelings for him.
This thread has helped so much. As the OW you are isolated, it's not the sort of thing you sit and chat with your friends about and get the usual perspective and support as you would in any other relationship, I've tried to speak to friends but there is an immediate disapproving look and change of subject. Or they say what a dick and horrible person he is like I should think oh yeah this man I'm in love with, bit of a dick isn't he I'll just move on and go on my merry way. It's not helpful and doesn't give you the strength to get out of the situation.

That's a tough situation. Well done for ending things. You've absolutely done the right thing. Having to see him everyday at work must be incredibly hard. Is there any possibility of changing roles/teams/office/department etc so you are away from him, or at least not having to see him as often?

Yes, as the OW you are definitely isolated. I didn't tell any of my friends/family about the affair. However, at the point the affair started, I had pretty much shut myself away from most of my family/friends anyway, due to the depression. So I was already isolating myself.
I think you'll find it difficult to get support from then friends you have already confided in if they have already reacted with disapproval or by bashing him. Don't get me wrong, their reactions are to be expected and are completely reasonable.. but what you need it constructive support. Have you considered seeking counselling? Would you say you have low self-esteem? You need to take your focus in life off of him and onto yourself. Think about what you want from life, what you can do for yourself to help reach your goals. Most people want to meet someone, settle down, have children.. is that what you would like from life? Spending time dwelling on him is literally stealing time away from working on your own happiness. Be kinder to yourself, take steps to distance yourself from him and start doing things for you. Good luck!

[PeachesTheFlamingo]

@CailleachO

I think modelling and how our parents relationships panned out has a big impact on how we act in our adult relationships even if we aren't aware of it. A lot of women who have affairs report very low mental health or go on to realise they have a personality disorder. I've known a few who say they can't even recognise themselves as they were in the affair. It's as if it was someone else. It's feeding a fairly fucked up need somewhere in there. To just judge and say it's lack of moral fibre doesn't really take into account any of the complexities that occur inside intimate relationships. I've never known a woman who had their needs met as a child and who came from a stable loving family go on to be the OW. I hope you're able to forgive yourself OP. You've clearly done a lot of work in trying to understand what went on in that time for you and I think it's commendable.

@CailleachO

Thank you for you kind comments.
I think there's a lot of truth in what you've said. I work within the care sector and have recently been learning about how early adverse childhood experiences negatively impact the child's development, mental health and life in general - the more adverse childhood experiences you are subjected to, the more likely you are to experience problems as an adult. For example, you are more likely to experience mental health issues, more likely to misuse drugs, more likely to commit crime, more likely to get into unhealthy relationships.
There is a set list of things that equate to adverse childhood experiences.. I can't remember then all, but they are things like:

• Parents divorced / single parent household.
• Growing up in a household where there is domestic violence.
• Growing up in a household where there is drug misuse.
• Parent in prison.
• Victim of sexual abuse.

It's actually an interesting subject. If you have time, have a Google of "adverse childhood experiences" (ACE's).

I was definitely trying to fill a void with the affair. I wanted love, intimacy and affection, but maybe if I did a little deeper into my childhood I might realise there was a bigger void I was trying to fill, with other factors I haven't realised.

[PeachesTheFlamingo]

@AllsortsofAwkward

What type of person posts this on mn like a badge of honor. There's 2 heartbreaking threads about wife's/partners with young callous who have caught their dh in an affair and you think this acceptable to post this

Quote @jessstan1: Who is posting like a 'badge of honour'? Certainly not the op; if you read her posts you will see she is genuinely regretful. what is more she is the only one in the scenario who has been hurt. There's nothing arrogant about her.

It certainly is acceptable to post a thread like this. Nobody has to read it but it does go some way towards explaining how easy it is to slip in to a relationship with married person.

Thank you @jessstan1.

@AllsortsofAwkward
If you read through my posts, you'll see no evidence of me posting this as a badge of honour. Quite the opposite actually. I've highlighted what I did and how I came to acknowledge it was wrong. I am genuinely regretful and remorseful for what I did.
As @jessstan1 has pointed out, thankfully no one was hurt other than myself.

Yes, I think it is acceptable to create this thread. You say that there are threads from women who have discovered their husbands/partners have had an affair.. likewise, there have been threads recently asking for the POV from the OW. This thread if for those people that were asking and have genuine questions. If anyone is not comfortable with this thread, they can simply choose not to read it and not to engage. There are plenty of other threads here they can get involved with instead.

Thanks for the biscuit.

[Fressia123]

OP this has been a very interesting thread but it has been from the POV who had an affair and then stopped.

I think a lot of the common MN threads (where there's a fair amount of vitriol) are those where the husband leaves for the OW. Most of the times you find those but many years have passed. Seldom you find those where it's happening in real time.

[TazMac]

So, it is only your own children you have any responsibility to?

You clearly don’t spend any time on the step parenting threads. The mumsnet line is that children only ever have two parents and those two parents are the only two people who are responsible for them.

Until it comes to money of course but I digress.

[lesleyw1953]

"Until it comes to money of course but I digress." Ah now I understand ...

[Thismustbelove]

If you wish to know the deep rooted trauma an affair can bring to another human being let me know.

I am really sorry you were so hurt.
I feel you are aiming at the wrong person. Your ex entered into an affair because HE wanted to. If every other woman had said no because he was married, do you think you would still be happily married?

[sarahh87]

Probably a little hasty of me to post my message. I do not mean to offend but clearly it hit a nerve with me. Reading the thread now i see you are reflecting..

Good luck...

[Gwenhwyfar]

I don't get this whole Joleen thing.
Sarahh87 - don't you think that if your ex's mistress had said no, there wouldn't have been another one?

[sarahh87]

@Gwenhwyfar

I don't get this whole Joleen thing.
Sarahh87 - don't you think that if your ex's mistress had said no, there wouldn't have been another one?

100% and was not suggesting otherwise.