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AMA
Original poster

I was the OW during an affair. AMA

299 replies

PeachesTheFlamingo · 23/10/2020 15:03

I was single. He was married with two children. We had a sexual relationship for approximately 12 months. Ask me anything...

(Yes, I am aware and understand that this post may attract a lot of flame and "So what?", "Who cares?" comments ......but I've created it for anyone who may want to ask relevant questions.

OP posts:
affor · 23/10/2020 15:37

I've been you OP. These threads never go well despite the fact I think these things need talking about.

It will descend into name calling (already started I see) and then get zapped.

Original poster
PeachesTheFlamingo · 23/10/2020 15:37

@Twinkie01

How would you feel if you was the wife?
I imagine if I was his wife and I found out he was having an affair, I'd be pretty devastated.

How could you do this?
Good question. I'm not trying to make excuses, but you have asked for my reasons so I will do my best to explain.. I was in a very vulnerable state at the time. My 9 year relationship had broken down. I was plunged into deep depression. I didn't realise it at the time, but he saw it as an opportunity to take advantage of me. My self esteem was non-existent, so to suddenly have the love of my life wanting me.. it made me feel better.

He is obviously a scumbag to start a relationship with you without ending his marriage so what made him so attractive?
We had a brief fling many years before he met his wife. I had been in love with him ever since. He was "The one that got away". The affair actually helped me realise he is a scumbag and not the answer to my happiness.

OP posts:
UncleFoster · 23/10/2020 15:38

Do you believe him when he says their sex life was non existent?

Do you feel guilty? Do you ever think about his wife and children now? How did you justify it at the time?

headstrong27 · 23/10/2020 15:40

Seriously some posters on here need to calm down a bit.

To clarify I don't agree with sleeping with people who are in relationships & have never done so.

Twinkie01 · 23/10/2020 15:45

Why couldn't you if you were his wife and understand how she'd feel realise how wrong your actions were?

I just don't get how women who have anything to do with married men can think of any reason to excuse it.

Even when I've been in awful positions in my life, feeling very vulnerable, I always think of how my actions would impact others.

My husband recently had an EA with a girl at work, she's 20+ years younger then him and this really hurts. I know people on here say there's no such thing as the sisterhood but if not want any other woman to go through what I'm going through, I'd not wish it on my worst enemy.

AdoptedBumpkin · 23/10/2020 15:46

Did you ever meet his wife?

Original poster
PeachesTheFlamingo · 23/10/2020 15:48

@DonLewis

Why? Why do that?

See my other responses.

I had been in love with him for over a decade. I was in a state of deep depression at the time and needed a friend. Initially I thought he was being a friend but he saw an opportunity to take advantage of my vulnerabilities and instigated the affair. He knew I was in love with him. He got the sex that he wanted. Initially I felt better about myself. I thought I was getting comfort. However, I later realised I was being used and the relationship actually made me feel lonely. I feel out of love with him. He wasn't the man I'd fantasised about being with. He was just a user.

And why start a thread about it? What insights do you think you have?

Why does anyone start any AMA thread? Because they feel it is something that should be talked about. And perhaps personal therapy. Clearly someone who has been in a situation will have some level of insight, and the fact that people are asking genuine questions shows that there is an interest in the answers.

OP posts:
Hwory · 23/10/2020 15:48

This is not a good idea.

DonLewis · 23/10/2020 15:49

So no insights then?

DillonPanthersTexas · 23/10/2020 15:49

How did you reconcile in your head that despite his professed feelings for you he was still playing happy families and shagging his wife?

Original poster
PeachesTheFlamingo · 23/10/2020 15:49

@BigButtons

What do you hope to gain from starting this thread? That is a genuine question.

See my last response to DonLewis

OP posts:
CloudyVanilla · 23/10/2020 15:50

His sex life wouldn't have been non existent.

I do think you have place too much emphasis on him taking advantage of you. It was mutual because you weren't in each other's immediate lives by the sound of it; it sounds like you had to engage with him actively for it to progress, probably on social media.

I've never cheated or been cheated on but I just don't get it. It's a certain type of person who cheats when they are in a relationship and I think they are almost universally jealous and paranoid because they themselves are willing to be unfaithful. I don't find that attractive in a person so I don't get how it's now a major turn off for single women.

I do not have misogynistic views of infidelity, if never call you a slag or a slut like some posters, that's awful. But I can't pretend I don't think you have to be pretty morally dubious to have an affair with someone and especially someone with children. Their world's have been torn apart for a few months of sex. Gross.

feministfemme · 23/10/2020 15:50

Are you scared that if you ever commit to someone, they'll find an OW like you were?

headstrong27 · 23/10/2020 15:51

@PeachesTheFlamingo so if he wasn't using you just for sex did you want end up with him?

CloudyVanilla · 23/10/2020 15:51

Sorry for the awful grammar I'm typing on my phone while working

affor · 23/10/2020 15:51

Why couldn't you if you were his wife and understand how she'd feel realise how wrong your actions were?

How often does anyone, honestly, in their day to day life put a stranger's happiness above their own?

Why do we hold women's approaches to relationships to a higher standard than anything else?

Scweltish · 23/10/2020 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CloudyVanilla · 23/10/2020 15:52

@affor it's a bit of a stretch to say that expecting someone to not sleep with someone married with kids is high standards

Palavah · 23/10/2020 15:53

What do you think of him now that you look back on it?

Would you get involved with a married man again?

If your hisband cheated on you like that and asked forgiveness would you take him back?

Original poster
PeachesTheFlamingo · 23/10/2020 15:53

@Displayname

Who pursued who and how.

He pursed me.
We were friends for a very long time. We would send the odd innocent text every now and then to catch up.
When he found out my 9 year relationship ended, the frequency of his texts increased. He began calling. He was supportive at first, then because flirty. I was in a bad place and the attention made me feel good about myself. He suggested that we meet and it went from there.

OP posts:
affor · 23/10/2020 15:55

@CloudyVanilla
That's not the high standard I meant but can see where it looks like that.

The question always levied at OW is essentially 'why didn't you put the wife first', and I think that's an odd approach to take.

If you love or believe you love someone, and would be miserable without them, why would you put another person's happiness above your own?

FairFridaythe13th · 23/10/2020 15:55

‘He pursued me’ - reminds me of my mum talking about a fairly famous chap we used to see on tv who was sweet on my mum in their youth.

We used to ask ‘how come he wasn’t our dad‘ and mum would say ‘he chased me - but he never caught me’.

Original poster
PeachesTheFlamingo · 23/10/2020 15:56

@WunWun

Why are you proud enough of it to start the thread?

Didn't say I was proud.

OP posts:
neonjumper · 23/10/2020 15:56

I'm a bit gobsmacked at how tone deaf this post of yours is .

You see this AMA as a bit of personal therapy for you , yet you know there are many people who will read this post and will have been on the receiving end of the devastation of affairs .

Yet you think nothing of the trauma you cause them by posting this self indulgent post .

NeverTwerkNaked · 23/10/2020 15:58

There's absolutely no need to call the Op names and it is against the site rules

Does he ever contact you now Op? have you been able to move on and make peace with what happened

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