I was the OW during an affair. AMA

[PeachesTheFlamingo]

I was single. He was married with two children. We had a sexual relationship for approximately 12 months. Ask me anything...

(Yes, I am aware and understand that this post may attract a lot of flame and "So what?", "Who cares?" comments ......but I've created it for anyone who may want to ask relevant questions.

@VioletSunset

Do you believe in karma?
No, I don't.

How will you feel if you settle down with someone and they have an affair for over a year?

It would depend on whether I was happy in that relationship. Just because people are in a LT relationship does not necessarily mean they are happy. Some people stay for the wrong reasons.
If I was happy in the relationship, I would be absolutely devastated. If I was unhappily in a relationship like a lot of people are, I may be shock, hurt, disappointed, but it might also be the push I need to leave an unhappy relationship.

Also did the wife find out?
No, she did not.

I know this is really odd but when you guys spoke on the phone what did you actually speak about?

I ask because we think of affairs as these tense, sexually charged fuckfests which burn bright and die out but were you chatting about stuff that was - quite frankly - mundane shit or did you find yourself falling into the role of counsellor etc?

@FiveFootTwoEyesOfBlue

Wow, you ended it because you realised it was 'detrimental' to you. Not because of the innocent children you could have caused immense suffering to, not because you felt even the tiniest bit of compassion towards his wife, but because it was hurting you.
Yes. At the time I didn't consider his wife and children. I was having the affair as a means to make me feel better about myself. I ended it when I realised it was actually making me feel worse and wasn't allowing me to get better and grow.
After the affair ended and I was able to see and think more clearly when the depression started to lift - I realised what I had done was wrong and that's when the guilt and regret kicked in.

Do you regret being so utterly self-centred?
Of course. However, it's not like I actually considered his wife and kids and and then went ahead with the affair. I agree, that would be utterly self-centred. At the time, I genuinely didn't consider them. If I had been able to fully appreciate back then how the affair could have impacted his family, I wouldn't have gone ahead with it.

Thank you for answering my questions.
I am glad your depression is much better and you have sought help.

I think he did prey on you when you were vulnerable and you behaved in a way which was out of your character. He is the one who cheated on his family, it seemed to be a calculated act on his part.

On this thread there are a lot of people who appear to live perfect lives and have never made a mistake of any kind.
You have admitted your mistake and would never do it again. I hope you can move on from all this OP and leave it all behind.

@CoronaIsShit

Is his wife none the wiser and is he still with her?
Yes and yes.

What excuses did he give his wife to see you?
Mostly he would book A/L and not tell his wife. He'd get ready and set off for work as he normally would and then come to mine.

Did you help him cover his tracks or help him make up excuses to her?
No. I had no contact with her and had no part in what he said to his wife.

Did he answer the phone to his wife or answer texts to her while he was with you?
Yes. He would answer texts whilst with me. He would call her sometimes, but he'd go outside to do that.

Did you look her up on SM?
Yes, I did. I looked her up on Facebook.

Did you consider telling her and if not, why not? You say you felt used, surely what he was doing to his wife was a lot worse?
During the affair, I didn't consider telling her because I hadn't considered her. After the affair I was able to realise what I'd done and the regret kicked in. I have considered telling her ever since but have never done so. I still haven't fully made up my mind on what to do in that respect.

Interested in you using depression as a reason for doing this, as IME depression makes you much less interested in sex
I'm not using depression as an excuse. It was a huge factor in my life at the time and I know for sure that if I wasn't in a period of deep depression I wouldn't have got involved with him. It's not an excuse, but it certainly contributed to my decision making at the time. Ultimately though, I did make a decision, and it was the wrong decision and I put my hands up to that.

Never been cheated on to my knowledge but interested in what goes through an OWs mind to be able to connive in deceiving the wife.
I didn't get involved in what arrangements he made or what he said to his wife. He did all that by himself.

@CoronaIsShit

How did you communicate? Did you use hidden apps, a secret SIM etc?

We just used WhatsApp and regular phone calls. No hidden apps, no secret SIM card.

@TeatimeAtCloppa

OP I think predatory men like that can spot vulnerability a mile away. My last boss had an affair with a young woman who joined our company a few months previously. What she didn't realise was he had cheated on his wife with women before - at nights out we would see him chat up women then disappear, with his wife ringing round us all when we were home asleep, asking if we knew where he was. If it wasn't you, it would have been someone else I bet.

Thanks, Teatime.

I'd always joked with him over the years that he was a "perv" or a "sex pest" as he always found a way of making an innuendo or saying something sexual. If ever I posted a pic of myself on Facebook, he'd take a screenshot, WhatsApp it to me and make sexual comments like "booooobies 😁".. I think about that kind of behaviour now and I absolutely cringe at how gross it was, but at the time, because I was so in love with him, I made excuses for it. I told myself it was light-hearted banter. In reality, it was his true self. He was quite sex obsessed, and objectified women. It was only when I was at my lowest though that he instigated the affair. I really can see now how he saw an opportunity to take advantage of me when I was vulnerable. It doesn't excuse what I did though.
And I agree with you, if I wasn't me, it would have been someone else. In fact, taking about the affair in this thread has reminded me that after the affair ended, he told me he'd had another affair before me.

@jessstan1

I just want to say I hope life is better for you now. It may have helped to talk about the affair, sometimes these things eat away at us for years - not saying that is the case for you but it does happen and stands in the way of getting on with life.
Thank you. Life is much better for me now. I am in a happy relationship and my depression is in check, and I'm not taking meds at the moment. Counselling has helped me to better understand what makes a healthy/unhealthy relationship and CBT has helped me with my self-esteem issues. I am stronger now and able to stand up for myself and not let myself be walked all over. I still feel regret over what I did and I do still think about his wife and children.

My one hope is that the man's wife never found out and that they were able to mend their marriage. You say she had an affair, it sounds as though they had a lot of soul searching to do.
She did not find out about the affair and they are still together.
I don't know for sure that she had an affair, this is what he told me. He said she had been sleeping with an ex-colleague, and after it ended, he found out by going through her phone and finding text messages. He thought it was over, but then he saw a text message pop up on her phone from the ex-colleague. He later asked her how the ex-colleague was and she lied and said she hadn't seen/heard from him in ages.

All the best for the future.
Thank you

Peaches: I still feel regret over what I did and I do still think about his wife and children.

They will never know. Now you have to concentrate on you.

@TateSeventh

I feel kind of disappointed that you appear to be the usual ‘victim’. Depressed blah blah blah. I had an affair with a married man for 3 years and I did it because I thought he was gorgeous. We had a great time and it petered out. Nothing complex about it at all.

I don't know what you want to hear. Would you rather I made this affair more Eastenders for you? Would you prefer me to liken it to your situation?

The way I have described the affair is how it was. I'm not going to glamourize it.
Yes, it was exciting at the start and the sex was good, but in reality it ultimately me unhappier. It was totally out of character for me and I honestly would not have agreed to have an affair with him if I had been my usual self. The fact that he never tried to instigate one until I was at my lowest suggests he could see I was vulnerable and he thought he'd try his luck.

Did at any point during your affair did you feel bad and think of his children?

@Chocolatehobnob9

Did at any point during your affair did you feel bad and think of his children?

Peaches already said, only a couple of posts above you" "I still feel regret over what I did and I do still think about his wife and children."

@Morgan12

I get you OP. Some people don't have that 'one who got away' person in their life and I think thats why you are taking some stick about this. I can totally understand how this situation came about and I'm glad you have now recognised him for what he truly is. Your life will be better without him and I genuinely wish you all the best.

Thank you.

He was, at one point, the absolute love of my life. I was head over heels in love with him. I was 19 when I met him. 20 when we had a brief fling. I felt so rejected and devastated when I realised he wasn't ready to settle down and wanted to enjoy single life. We stayed in each other's lives as friends, but I could not get over him. I thought about him every single day. Even when I got into relationships, I was still thinking about him. I never really moved on. Whilst I was in a relationship, he met his wife. I was gutted. They married, had two kids and we stayed friends. Looking back on it now, the friendship on my part was innocent, but he would make sexual comments/jokes and I would brush them off as banter. I made excuses for him because I loved him. He could do no wrong in my eyes. He was literally a God that I'd put up on a pedestal.
Fast forward +10 years.. my LT relationship ended. I was at my lowest point ever. There was a massive void in my life where love and intimacy once was and I felt hopeless and lost. Then suddenly, the man that I had been in love with for over a decade wanted me. The affair started and I had back the guy I fell in love with all those years ago. But I mistook the sex for love and affection. I thought he was filling the void, but I slowly realised it was just sex. It left me feeling cold, sad and lonely. I started to see him for what he was.. all conversations would become sexual, he stopped being a friend and it was apparent I was just sex for him. I woke up realised he wasn't this amazing guy I had built up over a decade. He was actually a disappointment. He was sex obsessed and that was all he was interested. He saw an opportunity and he took it. The feelings I had quickly faded. I was hurting myself by allowing it to carry on, so I put a stop to it. Once I was out I was able to start comprehending what I had done and how wrong it was.

Thank you for your kind comments.

Did he tell you he loved you?

"I suppose if the potential OW/OM said No to an affair because they wouldn’t want to collude in causing pain to someone else, the married person would find it impossible to have an affair?"

All of them? That would never happen would it. And what about one night stands and prostitutes? The married person is the one who should stay faithful. It's not women's job to be the guardian of men's morality.

@RUOKHon

I think this is a really interesting thread actually. This man was obviously a scumbag and a bit predatory. As soon as he sniffed out the vulnerability in OP, he went from being the mate who texts three times a year to actively pursuing her romantically. It sounds like if OP had been in a better place mentally and emotionally then maybe she wouldn’t have reciprocated.

Actually, that’s a question for you OP: if he’d tried it on with you when things were good in your relationship with your ex partner, would you still have had an affair with him?

I do understand how it can happen. I was an OW many years ago. He wasn’t married at the time, but he had a long term partner whom he lived with. I ended it because I wanted more from him and realised that even if he did leave his partner for me, he was already a proven liar and a cheat so I’d never be able to trust him.

I spent years, beating myself up about being an OW, but a few years ago I began to look at it differently. At the time of the affair I was having serious mental health problems and lots of aspects of my life were an absolute mess. My affair partner sniffed that out a mile off and went right in for the kill.

I suspect that that’s the case for a lot of women who end up as OW. Having an affair with a married man is almost like an anti-relationship isn’t it? Accepting second-best status as default and that in order for the relationship to even exist at all, it has to be all on his terms.

A single woman having an affair with a married man might as well be waving a massive red flag above her head that says ‘my self esteem is in the toilet’.

@RUOKHon

@RUOKHon

You have hit the nail on the head. His level of communication went through the roof. We used to text very occasionally, usually mundane "How's life" or memes. Occasionally he'd made a sexual 'jokey/banterish' comment/joke, but would follow up with laughing emojis and I just brushed it off as blokes banter. Plus I was in love with him so he could do no wrong in my eyes. As soon as my relationship ended and it was apparent that my mood was very low... he did rapidly increase contact. All flattery, which I mistook as a friend trying to make me feel better.

Actually, that’s a question for you OP: if he’d tried it on with you when things were good in your relationship with your ex partner, would you still have had an affair with him?
Absolutely not. Even though, at the time, I saw him as the one that got away and I would have always wondered "What if?", I would have told him no.

Yes! That's exactly what it was like. An anti-relationship. I think everyone believes that the OW is in her element, but like you've pointed out, that's not always the case, a lot of the time, poor mental wellbeing and low self-esteem have a bit part to play and the affair is a desperate attempt at filling a void.
I would never get myself into that situation again. In fact, I'd now class it as a form of self-harm against myself as I'm aware how damaging it is for me, and I am aware of how it could affect his wife and children.

You say you beat yourself up over it for years. Are you still in that same mindset or have you been able to find peace and move on? That's what I would like now. I have moved on, but it still bothers me now. Maybe it's my lifetimes punishment for what I did.

You realise it is dead easy to have an affair with a married man? There are tons of them just waiting to cop off with some woman who will feed their egos. Not make demands on them, like the Evil Wives (demands =life). I wouldn't boast about it.

@Toscata

Do you think he's had other affairs during his marriage?

I'd forgotten until my memory was jogged by this thread, but after the affair ended, he told me he had an affair earlier in his marriage with a colleague.

@Displayname

Morals aside I couldn’t deal with the rejection of the person leaving to go back to the wife/husband. Whatever way they spin it, it is still ultimately a form of rejection. Not my cup of tea, not a nice way to feel or be treated.
Even though I was probably at my weakest point in my life, I tried to kid myself that I could be tough and not let that bother me, but it did. Spending time with him made me happy (initially), but him leaving to go back to his wife and kids was hard. It leaves you feeling empty, alone, rejected, cold. It's not pleasant. He almost became like a drug. Each time he left, I'd sink a bit lower and then I'd want to see him again to feel better.

Whilst I don’t agree at all, you did have feelings for him prior to him being married. They grew from that, not the married man you came to be intimate with. It’s very hard leaving past (albeit relatively unreciprocated) feelings out of it. He on the other hand should have buried his feelings/urges 🤷‍♀️ much deeper and not pursued you.
When the affair started, I still thought of him as the 20 something guy I had met when I was 19. I loved him. He turned out to not be the person I had created in my head.

@ShagMeRiggins

OP, WhatsApp is a social medium, which is any website, forum, or application used to network through personal or professional means.
Very precise. Apologies, I assumed you were asking if we had gone out of our way to use specific apps to communication, such as SnapChat where the messages self-delete, or apps that look innocent but in reality they are designed to allow secret conversations.

I have no questions for you other than does the wife now know.
No, she doesn't know.

@feministfemme

Will you ever take actual responsibility for the hurt you have caused? If not, then how did he take advantage of you, can you explain that at least?

I think I've taken responsibility for my actions. Thankfully, no hurt was caused to anyone but myself because his wife didn't find out. I appreciate now that the potential for her and the children to be hurt was there and of course I take responsibility for that.

Do you feel any obligation to tell her?

@atiabalba

I've been an OW for nearly 2 years. When I read posts like this it does make me think a bit. Is my self esteem really low? I wouldn't have said so, but maybe. Some good points made by @RUOKHon**
Some really good points by RUOKHon!!
I do agree that low self-esteem in the OW is a factor in a lot of affairs, but not all. You don't think you have low self-esteem. I'm interested to know how your affair came about and why it's still going if you're willing to share?

Great thread OP. I always read the OW threads with interest but would be too scared of the MN wrath to start my own.
Thanks! I kind of expected the MN wrath, but have tried to step around the unhelpful bashing comments and have tried to answer as many questions as possible. Still trying to catch up with them all!

@Flittingaboutagain

All these women playing second fiddle.
I hope you learnt from it OP so you would make better choices next time you feel low about yourself and your life.

I have learned from it, yes. I have much better and healthily coping strategies in place now. I understand what makes a healthy/unhealthy relationship and that has allowed me to appreciate the hurt I could have potentially caused.