I was the OW during an affair. AMA

[PeachesTheFlamingo]

I was single. He was married with two children. We had a sexual relationship for approximately 12 months. Ask me anything...

(Yes, I am aware and understand that this post may attract a lot of flame and "So what?", "Who cares?" comments ......but I've created it for anyone who may want to ask relevant questions.

I think one of the main things this thread has confirmed for me is that cheating, married men are opportunistic, lying, manipulative, exploitative, have-their-cake-and-eat-it, scumbags. And if you’ve decided to stay with your cheating partner, you have bigger things to worry about than the OW.

I have a theory that women who seek out married men to tempt them away from their relationships with their wives have a deep, deep insecurity and very low self esteem. A fear of true intimacy to boot.
I have seen this time and time again and what first appears to be exciting and just end with two rotten people whining about the pain they’ve caused and sometimes one woman left to do the bulk of the childcare.
If you look at society’s assumption that the children will be left with their mother who will work to look after the kids and work to support them financially, you will also take on board that by having the odd exiting shag and having your ego stroked for several months, you have destroyed another woman’s opportunities, mid years, wealth and confidence. I don’t think that’s a kind or right way to live and I hope one day, someone does the same to you so you can spend the rest of your life grieving for something that you once loved.

Callardandbowser Mon 26-Oct-20 07:10:45
I have a theory that women who seek out married men to tempt them away from their relationships with their wives have a deep, deep insecurity and very low self esteem. A fear of true intimacy to boot.
..........
I don't know about 'seeking out' exactly but I think you make good points. With a married man there is no chance of having to share a home and money, nor domestic chores. You just meet up well away from his home for dinner or whatever and he comes to yours for bed, then goes. You might get the odd night away somewhere if he has to travel for work but there is no commitment. He'll never see you at your worst. You can end it if it becomes tedious. Some people like it that way.

It was different for the op, though. I wouldn't put her in that 'mistress' category.

@RUOKHon

I think one of the main things this thread has confirmed for me is that cheating, married men are opportunistic, lying, manipulative, exploitative, have-their-cake-and-eat-it, scumbags. And if you’ve decided to stay with your cheating partner, you have bigger things to worry about than the OW.

About 50% of people cheat apparently. I don't think 50% of the population are scumbags...

" you can spend the rest of your life grieving for something that you once loved."

Well that can happen with any relationship that fails can't it? That's kind of what 'the one who got away' is.

@ChickensMightFly

I think you have been very candid op and in many ways your path to this point makes a lot of sense, if your life was the story line of a novel it would be easy to see the forces at play that brought you through that time. It has clearly been an experience that has triggered some personal growth as you have acted and intend to continue to act on the wisdom it gave you. I think if you had me regrets that would say more about who you are, but that you think more about the wife and children than him and retrospectively feel horror at the close call you had to bringing there lives into a crisis is more telling.
Does your current partner know about it? If so how have they reached or if not, do you hope to tell them one day or dead them finding out?

Thank you. You're right, it definitely triggered some personal growth. A lot has changed for me in 3 years. I'm in a much better place and I can no longer relate to my life back then and the person I was. My mental health is good. I have coping strategies in place. I am more confident than I was - without the need for validation from others. I'm not quite where I'd like to be, but I'm getting there.
I honestly don't think of him. He is of no interest to me at all. The fact he risked destroying his family for sex shows me who he really is (of course, I played my part in the affair to). I feel so bad for his family. They have no idea. Part of me thinks it is better that way and I hope they are healthy and happy. The other part of me thinks they have a right to know, but I struggle to accept the utter heartbreak it would cause them. I really hope he is being a good father to his kids and a good husband to his wife, but if I'm honest, it wouldn't surprise me if he's had more affairs, or at least tried.
My current partner doesn't know about the affair. I have told him about other aspects of my past, including my depression and lack of self-esteem and confidence. He is a lovely man but until he met me, he hadn't had much exposure to mental illness, so he struggles to understand issues like depression and anxiety. He says if it is a part of my life, he needs to learn. I'm grateful for his patience. He makes a point of saying that our pasts are in the past and are nothing to do with our relationship. I am not sure how he would react if I told him about the affair. Initially, I think he would be understandably horrified. I think he would be more understanding if I explained the circumstances, but his lack of mental illness awareness would make it difficult for him to relate to how someone could act that out of character. I'm undecided about telling him.

@MixWhisk

Do you think you would have still done what you did if you had have met his wife and children previously?

That's a good question. When I went ahead with the affair, I didn't consider his wife and kids. I think the fact I had never met them caused a disassociation which made it easier.
I would like to think that had I have met them previously, it would have stopped me from getting involved with him. I was in a dark place at the time though, so it's hard to know how I would have been thinking. As I've said in other posts, I don't recognise the person I was back then, so I honestly can't say for sure.

An update for anyone who has been following this thread...

Last night, I blocked him. Then I deleted the contact from my phone.

Although I can understand why it was important that I blocked him.. it didn't feel hugely significant because I had not been in contact with him in such a long time and because there was nothing in particular stopping me from blocking him - e.g. there were no feelings left over stopping me from blocking him. I had just never bothered blocking him.

I don't feel any sense of loss. I feel good that there are no ties. I have no interest in him whatsoever, but I do hope he is now treating his wife and kids right.

It all sounds good, Peaches. You're doing well. Your boyfriends sounds like a decent chap too so things bode well for the future.

I have no interest in him whatsoever, but I do hope he is now treating his wife and kids right.

It appears you think he is wholly to blame. Very convenient.

@Janegrey333

It appears you think he is wholly to blame. Very convenient.

It appears you haven't read through my other posts where I haven't solely blamed him and I clearly state that I am aware of my responsibilities.

Well done with blocking and deleting.

He will, most likely, just continue as before. Lying and cheating. I doubt he's learnt anything from your affair.

Someone that wants to cheat, will. It might not be the OP but there will be another woman out there that won't turn him down. They might not know he's married, they might not care, they may believe his lies of staying for the children's sake, no sexual relationship with wife etc.

I don't understand why so many women try to deflect the blame from their unfaithful partners onto the OW. Is it a coping strategy? Does it lesson the betrayal? Does it help them move on and co-parent together or continue the marriage?

I don't understand why so many women try to deflect the blame from their unfaithful partners onto the OW. Is it a coping strategy? Does it lesson the betrayal? Does it help them move on and co-parent together or continue the marriage?

Yeah I don’t get this either. It seems really common where the woman takes the cheating man back and then blames the mistress but acts like everything is hunky dory with the husband. Unless the mistress is a close personal friend, she is not the person you should direct your anger at. People are inherently selfish and will put themselves and their families above the interests of others. Pretending that all women have some inherent duty to the ‘sisterhood’ is ludicrous. Blame the man and make him actually take responsibility for what he’s done. Maybe that would make men think twice about cheating. Currently the OW gets nearly all the blame while people tut that boys will be boys.

@Frdd

If you were truly sorry you would have blocked him. Why haven’t you?

I disagree. The fact I hadn't blocked him does not take away the fact that I am truly sorry for what happened and what I did.
There genuinely wasn't any real reason to not block him. I wasn't holding out some hope of contact or seeing him again. I have no interest in him at all. I actually blocked him about a week ago and deleted his contact details from my phone.

Also, you were so disrespectful to your long term relationship by letting him message inappropriately and not shutting that down. It’s a cop out to say he’s the one that got away for you if that is the case then you weren’t honest with your partner and you should not have been in a relationship when you were still pining for this horrible man.

Yes, when he was contacting me, I was in a relationship.... with an abusive, controlling, manipulative man who was having many affairs. Before you ask why I didn't leave him - being trauma bonded to an abusive partner is genuine and real. It is a lot easier said than done. He fathered 2 children with another woman during our 9 year relationship. He was effectively living a double life and seeing other women as well. I have no proof, but I suspect he also may have used prostitutes. Our relationship broke down when the mother of his children found out about me and got in contact with me. I was utterly humiliated, my world fell apart. There was nothing of me left. As much of an abusive arsehole that he was, I was so moulded, I idolised him. I honestly felt like I could do no better (this is what abusers have you believe). I thought no one else would ever want me. I thought my life was over. I was very deeply depressed and contemplated suicide.

So, yes, perhaps I should have shut down the very occasional inappropriate messages from my AP during my 9 year sham of a relationship. Looking back, at the time, it made me feel better to feel wanted or get attention every once in a while.
I should have also walked away from that shit-show of a relationship, but I did not have the strength to do. After 9 years of being told that no one else would want me - I believed him.

That’s a pretty huge drip feed

@Badnessinthefolds

I wanted to add my voice to those saying I understand the reason you made this thread and I've found it interesting to read.

I also think you've been very balanced and honest in your answers.

Does anyone else know about your affair- (other than your counsellor- friends/family etc)? And do you worry about people's reaction if they knew?

I would imagine it would be quite isolating when you were feeling low in the last months of your affair but no one knew about it

@Badnessinthefolds

Thank you.

No one else knows about the affair other than myself, him and my counsellor. I have no idea if he confided in anyone, but I doubt it.

I absolutely worry about what my friends/family would think if they ever find out. I have grown a lot since the affair and the person I am now does not recognise the person I was back then. It was completely out of character. My friends and family would he shocked if they found out. I think they'd struggle to believe it was true. I'd be so ashamed if they ever find out.

Yes, the last few months of the affair were very isolating. There's no way I could have spoken to friends/family. I now know that there are support agencies I could have turned to, but at the time, I had to bottle everything up. It was a lonely time, but thankfully led to realisation and clarity which empowered me to end it.

@Frdd

That’s a pretty huge drip feed

Excuse me????

I’ve reread your previous posts quickly and can’t see where you mentioned your partner having other children or using prostitutes. Apologies if I’ve missed it.

@Frdd

I’ve reread your previous posts quickly and can’t see where you mentioned your partner having other children or using prostitutes. Apologies if I’ve missed it.

Okay...

There aren't any previous posts mentioning that my previous partner fathered two children with another woman whilst he was in a relationship with me.
I had no proof of him using prostitutes, but I suspect he was.

No doubt, if I would have mentioned the above in earlier posts, someone would have had a pop at me and told me I was trying to use it as an excuse to justify me going on to sleep with a married man.

However, I have mentioned several times that it was the breakdown of that 9 year relationship that completely shattered my self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence and I believe that played a huge part in me acting in a way I had never acted before (and will never act again). It was probably the lowest point in my life actually.
Anyway, I'm not sure if going into details about the actual relationship were really that important as I am trying to take responsibility for what I did, not deflect.

The reason why I have now chosen to go into a bit more detail about my ex partner is because it is relevant to the comments you made about me disrespecting him during the relationship. No other poster has really mentioned or questioned about my ex partner, so it hasn't really felt relevant to go into detail about him until now.
I hope that all makes sense.

I think the saying never judge a man (or woman) until you walk a mile in his (her) shoes applies well here.

I am glad you are in a better place now @PeachesTheFlamingo. All we can ever really ask from life is that we learn from it.

Would you do it again?

@Callardandbowser

I have a theory that women who seek out married men to tempt them away from their relationships with their wives have a deep, deep insecurity and very low self esteem. A fear of true intimacy to boot. I have seen this time and time again and what first appears to be exciting and just end with two rotten people whining about the pain they’ve caused and sometimes one woman left to do the bulk of the childcare. If you look at society’s assumption that the children will be left with their mother who will work to look after the kids and work to support them financially, you will also take on board that by having the odd exiting shag and having your ego stroked for several months, you have destroyed another woman’s opportunities, mid years, wealth and confidence. I don’t think that’s a kind or right way to live and I hope one day, someone does the same to you so you can spend the rest of your life grieving for something that you once loved.

I’ve a theory, based on not much but observation, that women who seek out married men usually fall into one of two categories. 1, they have reached a point in their life where their single friends have found partners and as a few years go by, they find themselves seeking out a partner, even if that person is with someone else - it’s like they don’t ‘get’ the rules. Or 2, they are adult orphans, and/or don’t have a strong family network around them, and don’t have a frame of approval/disapproval of people who love them who might sense-check the relationship, ie they go a bit rogue. However, I come from a culture where family approval is very important, and this no doubt informs my theory.

And by the way @PeachesTheFlamingo I wish you all the best and a happy life. Your post is very honest and you sound very self-aware. Mind yourself

@Callardandbowser

I have a theory that women who seek out married men to tempt them away from their relationships with their wives have a deep, deep insecurity and very low self esteem. A fear of true intimacy to boot. I have seen this time and time again and what first appears to be exciting and just end with two rotten people whining about the pain they’ve caused and sometimes one woman left to do the bulk of the childcare. If you look at society’s assumption that the children will be left with their mother who will work to look after the kids and work to support them financially, you will also take on board that by having the odd exiting shag and having your ego stroked for several months, you have destroyed another woman’s opportunities, mid years, wealth and confidence. I don’t think that’s a kind or right way to live and I hope one day, someone does the same to you so you can spend the rest of your life grieving for something that you once loved.

I have a theory that you may be a little bitter......