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AMA
Original poster

I was the OW during an affair. AMA

299 replies

PeachesTheFlamingo · 23/10/2020 15:03

I was single. He was married with two children. We had a sexual relationship for approximately 12 months. Ask me anything...

(Yes, I am aware and understand that this post may attract a lot of flame and "So what?", "Who cares?" comments ......but I've created it for anyone who may want to ask relevant questions.

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 23/10/2020 16:21

ivf - the guy was destroying his own family, if indeed it did destroy his family. If it wasn't OP, it's likely it would have been someone else.

TheQueef · 23/10/2020 16:22

Apologies for the PA.

Original poster
PeachesTheFlamingo · 23/10/2020 16:23

@enormouscros

Bizarre attention seeking thread.
Bizarre? I'm not proud, but affairs do happen. Not talking about it is bizarre. Also, have you seen some of the other topics on MN?? There are far more bizarre things being discussed.

I imagine you have very little confidence irl.
I never claimed to be overly confident.

OP posts:
BigButtons · 23/10/2020 16:24

I thought the AMA threads were supposed to be about something enlightening and interesting? Other people's jobs and lifestyles etc?
Choosing to have an affair with a married man is neither of those.

affor · 23/10/2020 16:25

@neonjumper

I'm a bit gobsmacked at how tone deaf this post of yours is .

You see this AMA as a bit of personal therapy for you , yet you know there are many people who will read this post and will have been on the receiving end of the devastation of affairs .

Yet you think nothing of the trauma you cause them by posting this self indulgent post .

Months ago I posted on an affair thread about being the OW and got loads of private messages thanking me for being honest, asking questions about it from the other side, wanting to know what had happened. Both from other women in that position and from wives/ex wives who had been the cheated on partner.

This stuff gets silenced too easily and leaves no one better off.

SoPanny · 23/10/2020 16:27

I find it interesting he said he’d considered leaving his wife for you at one point.

Do you believe him?

How did you break it off and how did he take it?

MoveAlongPleasNothingToSeeHere · 23/10/2020 16:28

Well I think this is an interesting thread FWIW. I thought AMA can be about pretty much anything.

Hi OP,
Can I ask how did he react when it ended?

Do you think he was being truthful about the fact he and his wife weren’t having sex?

How is your depression now?

SoPanny · 23/10/2020 16:35

Agree this is an interesting AMA. As much as I‘m reading it feeling a bit [gulp]

PuppyMonkey · 23/10/2020 16:36

How often did you meet up?

What lies did he tell his family so he could meet you or did you never ask. If not, why?

sophs29 · 23/10/2020 16:37

Do you think this will make you more paranoid in future relationships?
Knowing how easily he could lie and hide it from his wife/family?

Original poster
PeachesTheFlamingo · 23/10/2020 16:42

@Theonlylivingboyinnewcross

How do you know that his sex life with his wife was non-existent? Other than believing the oldest line in the adulterer's handbook (how to reel in a gullible lover), that is?

Clearly I didn't know for sure that his sex life with his wife was non-existent. That's what he told me.
It was irrelevant at the time anyway. Even if he had not brought it up, the affair would have still happened. It's not like him telling me they had a sex-less marriage was what I needed to hear to agree to start having sex with him.

OP posts:
VioletSunset · 23/10/2020 16:42

Do you believe in karma?

How will you feel if you settle down with someone and they have an affair for over a year? Also did the wife find out?

FiveFootTwoEyesOfBlue · 23/10/2020 16:45

Wow, you ended it because you realised it was 'detrimental' to you. Not because of the innocent children you could have caused immense suffering to, not because you felt even the tiniest bit of compassion towards his wife, but because it was hurting you.

Do you regret being so utterly self-centred?

(And yes I know he was the one breaking his vows etc etc, but he's not the one posting an AMA)

oiboi · 23/10/2020 16:46

@BigButtons

I thought the AMA threads were supposed to be about something enlightening and interesting? Other people's jobs and lifestyles etc? Choosing to have an affair with a married man is neither of those.
I don't want to read about this so don't post - not sure forums work that way.
CoronaIsShit · 23/10/2020 16:49

Is his wife none the wiser and is he still with her?

What excuses did he give his wife to see you?

Did you help him cover his tracks or help him make up excuses to her?

Did he answer the phone to his wife or answer texts to her while he was with you?

Did you look her up on SM?

Did you consider telling her and if not, why not? You say you felt used, surely what he was doing to his wife was a lot worse?

Interested in you using depression as a reason for doing this, as IME depression makes you much less interested in sex.

Never been cheated on to my knowledge but interested in what goes through an OWs mind to be able to connive in deceiving the wife.

Original poster
PeachesTheFlamingo · 23/10/2020 16:50

@peakygal

So you justify sleeping with someone else's husband by saying he was the one who got away?

If you read over all my responses, there was more to it than him just being the one that got away.
I haven't tried to justify anything. Me answering these questions is just that.. I'm answering questions. That doesn't mean I think I was right and doesn't mean I am trying to justify what happened.

Also their sex life was non existent doesn't give you the right to sleep with him.

Two (or more, if that's your thing) consenting adults can sleep together if they want to.. but I understand the point you are making - it's morally wrong. I agree.

Then starting a thread about it shows the type of person you are

I've explained my reasons for starting this post, but you are entitled to your opinion.

OP posts:
CoronaIsShit · 23/10/2020 16:53

Just one more:

How did you communicate? Did you use hidden apps, a secret SIM etc?

BigButtons · 23/10/2020 16:59

@oiboi
I am just confused as to why anyone would think that people would be interested in their motivations for deciding to act in a morally reprehensible way.
I stand to be corrected though.
It's just a rather tedious subject. I posted because was trying th understand what the OP wanted to gain from it. I'm not at all interested in the subject matter per se.

TeatimeAtCloppa · 23/10/2020 17:01

OP I think predatory men like that can spot vulnerability a mile away. My last boss had an affair with a young woman who joined our company a few months previously. What she didn't realise was he had cheated on his wife with women before - at nights out we would see him chat up women then disappear, with his wife ringing round us all when we were home asleep, asking if we knew where he was. If it wasn't you, it would have been someone else I bet.

Firenight · 23/10/2020 17:04

How did you end it?

jessstan1 · 23/10/2020 17:14

I just want to say I hope life is better for you now. It may have helped to talk about the affair, sometimes these things eat away at us for years - not saying that is the case for you but it does happen and stands in the way of getting on with life.

My one hope is that the man's wife never found out and that they were able to mend their marriage. You say she had an affair, it sounds as though they had a lot of soul searching to do.

All the best for the future.

TateSeventh · 23/10/2020 17:14

I feel kind of disappointed that you appear to be the usual ‘victim’. Depressed blah blah blah. I had an affair with a married man for 3 years and I did it because I thought he was gorgeous. We had a great time and it petered out. Nothing complex about it at all.

Original poster
PeachesTheFlamingo · 23/10/2020 17:14

@UncleFoster

Do you believe him when he says their sex life was non existent?
I'm not sure. Probably. I know this sounds harsh, but it didn't really matter to me at the time.

Do you feel guilty? Do you ever think about his wife and children now? How did you justify it at the time?

At the time, I didn't consider his wife and children. At the time, no I didn't feel guilty. I don't honestly know how I was able to do that.

It was after I ended it that I realise what I'd done and I still feel incredibly guilty. I often think about his wife and children, and I feel awful. It was out of character for me and I am still seeing a counsellor to try and help me get past what I did.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesTheFlamingo · 23/10/2020 17:16

@AdoptedBumpkin

Did you ever meet his wife?

Never.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesTheFlamingo · 23/10/2020 17:18

@DillonPanthersTexas

How did you reconcile in your head that despite his professed feelings for you he was still playing happy families and shagging his wife?

He didn't profess feeling for me whilst we had the affair. It was just sex for him. Or so I thought. It was after I ended the affair that he told me he had considered leaving his wife for me. I was really surprised because I didn't think he would ever leave his wife.

OP posts:
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