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AMA
Original poster

I was the OW during an affair. AMA

299 replies

PeachesTheFlamingo · 23/10/2020 15:03

I was single. He was married with two children. We had a sexual relationship for approximately 12 months. Ask me anything...

(Yes, I am aware and understand that this post may attract a lot of flame and "So what?", "Who cares?" comments ......but I've created it for anyone who may want to ask relevant questions.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesTheFlamingo · 23/10/2020 15:59

@Oxyiz

Why on earth would you start a thread about this?

I've already answered this in a previous response.
It's not something that is talked about, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be talked about.

FFS don't let this become your identity.
It's not my identity, but thanks for your concern.

OP posts:
Pringlemonster · 23/10/2020 16:03

Why do you think we care??
The fact you did it ,tells us all we need to know about you ,and not in a good way .

Original poster
PeachesTheFlamingo · 23/10/2020 16:05

@feministfemme

Are you happy? Was it for an ego boost? Why start a thread?

It was the worst way to deal with really bad depression and zero self-esteem after the breakdown of my 9 year relationship. At the time, I thought he was making me happy. I guess he did initially. Then reality set in and I realised the affair was detrimental rather than helping me, especially when it dawned on me that I was being used/taken advantage of by someone I thought was a friend.
I haven't seen him for over 3 years now, and I'm much happier now.

OP posts:
feministfemme · 23/10/2020 16:07

@PeachesTheFlamingo You take no responsibility. I've had debilitating depression and done some bad things, but I fully acknowledge that I was the one to do those bad things. Nobody else did it for me, and while some of those things could be explained by extenuating circumstances, I was still the guilty party. Unless you were coerced or forced, you need to accept responsibility for your choices. Your response doesn't show me that at all.

TazMac · 23/10/2020 16:08

Have you always been a scrub or is the scummy behaviour new?

Interesting how people always seem to attack the woman in this situation. Even though the man is the one breaking his vows and cheating on his wife and kids. Sexism?

oiboi · 23/10/2020 16:08

I genuinely don't understand why people come on AMA and tell the op they don't care, it seems like such a weird act of cognitive dissonance.

Op - has it changed your view of LT relationships? I think being on either side of an unfaithful relationship would make me very wary of trusting someone again.

user1481840227 · 23/10/2020 16:08

@neonjumper

I'm a bit gobsmacked at how tone deaf this post of yours is .

You see this AMA as a bit of personal therapy for you , yet you know there are many people who will read this post and will have been on the receiving end of the devastation of affairs .

Yet you think nothing of the trauma you cause them by posting this self indulgent post .

There's been a few threads on relationships recently with women who want to hear from women who were the OW and want some insight into what they were thinking!
Original poster
PeachesTheFlamingo · 23/10/2020 16:09

@FairFridaythe13th

You never thought ‘I could be the wife - how would I feel’ or did you think ‘I saw him first’?

At the time, no, I didn't consider his wife. I suppose it was easier for me because I didn't know her. Also, I had a very hard time relating to anyone during that period of my life due to severe depression. I was consumed with depressive thoughts following the breakdown of my 9 year relationship.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 23/10/2020 16:09

Sexism

No, it's just that it is the woman who is posting.

TheMamaYo · 23/10/2020 16:10

Was this the only time you were the OW?

How was your parents' relationship with each other?

How do you feel about it all now? Is there shame/guilt, and if so, to what extent? How did the affair end, does the wife know about you?

Original poster
PeachesTheFlamingo · 23/10/2020 16:10

@TheQueef

Have you always been a scrub or is the scummy behaviour new?

🙄

OP posts:
BullshitVivienne · 23/10/2020 16:10

Love the irony of people saying "why do you think anyone cares" while clearly caring so much that they have to comment.

Heartbeat3 · 23/10/2020 16:11

Is he still with his wife

KitchenDancefloor · 23/10/2020 16:12

Do you usually lack empathy with other people?
You only seem to be sorry that your own self esteem got a bashing. You were not a victim in this situation. You were jointly responsible and should own up to it without expecting sympathy.

Leimarel · 23/10/2020 16:13

At least you recognise you have low self-esteem.

Gwenhwyfar · 23/10/2020 16:13

@affor

Why couldn't you if you were his wife and understand how she'd feel realise how wrong your actions were?

How often does anyone, honestly, in their day to day life put a stranger's happiness above their own?

Why do we hold women's approaches to relationships to a higher standard than anything else?

Exactly. It's the old idea that women need to be the guardian of men's morality. It's not OP's job to think of the man's wife, it's the man himself's.
TheQueef · 23/10/2020 16:13

Roll away.
I'm not salving my own wittle ego by getting my excuses out anon.
Were you hoping for proxy forgiveness?

Janegrey333 · 23/10/2020 16:13

There’s a great deal of repetition in the OP’s answers. It’s not that interesting, really.

LaMarschallin · 23/10/2020 16:14

oiboi

I genuinely don't understand why people come on AMA and tell the op they don't care, it seems like such a weird act of cognitive dissonance

I was disconcerted by the poster who told the OP to "jog on".

No - the OP started the thread so she's likely to stay; you jog on.

Original poster
PeachesTheFlamingo · 23/10/2020 16:14

@Happyspud

I genuinely always wonder, when life can be so hard and painful, how you could do this to another human being? It's very cruel. Would it have killed both of you to at least do it fairly?

Until I got involved with him, I thought the same. I never thought I'd be that person. I also never thought I'd suffer severe depression and low self-esteem as I had always been so confident before the breakdown of my 9 year relationship. I never thought I'd be susceptible to the advances of a married man, never thought I'd be weak enough to allow myself to be taken advantage of.

OP posts:
TazMac · 23/10/2020 16:14

Exactly. It's the old idea that women need to be the guardian of men's morality. It's not OP's job to think of the man's wife, it's the man himself's.

Completely agree.

Gwenhwyfar · 23/10/2020 16:15

" the trauma you cause them by posting this self indulgent post ."

Really? I hope you've never seen a soap opera then!

Gwenhwyfar · 23/10/2020 16:15

@Pringlemonster

Why do you think we care?? The fact you did it ,tells us all we need to know about you ,and not in a good way .
You care enough to comment!
ivfbeenbusy · 23/10/2020 16:16

1 did you even think of the family you'd be destroying - his wife and his children or did you only think about yourself?

2 why are you blaming him? "I was vulnerable" "I was depressed" - what bollocks. You wanted him - he was "the one that got away" - you dropped your pants willingly and knowingly?

3 do you consider yourself of lower moral standards? (like we do?)

4 would you do it again?

Original poster
PeachesTheFlamingo · 23/10/2020 16:18

@Headstrong27

Did you want him to leave his wife?

Initially, no. I think I was trying to replace the intimacy and closeness I had just lost from my relationship breakdown.
I started to feel better while we were seeing each other and for a while, I did fsntasise about him leaving his wife and us being together, but I never told him this.
Then being with him actually made me feel low again as I realised meeting up occasionally for sex is not a replacement for a loving relationship and it was not a productive way of dealing with my low self-esteem and depression. At this point, I definitely didn't want him to leave his wife for me.

OP posts:
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