I was the OW during an affair. AMA

[PeachesTheFlamingo]

I was single. He was married with two children. We had a sexual relationship for approximately 12 months. Ask me anything...

(Yes, I am aware and understand that this post may attract a lot of flame and "So what?", "Who cares?" comments ......but I've created it for anyone who may want to ask relevant questions.

@ Teatime

* What she didn't realise was he had cheated on his wife with women before - at nights out we would see him chat up women then disappear,*

So it was OK for her to be an OW if he had only cheated on his wife with her?

All these ‘predatory’ men coercing poor women with no minds or morals of their own to have affairs with them..

Not to take away from the married persons culpability at all of course but the OW/OM also have culpability if they knew they were colluding in cheating on and deceiving the innocent partner.

I suppose if the potential OW/OM said No to an affair because they wouldn’t want to collude in causing pain to someone else, the married person would find it impossible to have an affair? According to MN though, a single person is entitled to shag who they want and not care about anyone else’s feelings but their own.

@CloudyVanilla

I do think you have place too much emphasis on him taking advantage of you. It was mutual because you weren't in each other's immediate lives by the sound of it; it sounds like you had to engage with him actively for it to progress, probably on social media.

We weren't in each others lives really. We were long time friends and spoke occasionally. He instigated the affair. Obviously I had to engage with him. I would have never instigated it myself. He did take advantage of me, but that doesn't mean I am excusing my behaviour.
We didn't use SM. We chatted on WhatsApp.

@feministfemme

Are you scared that if you ever commit to someone, they'll find an OW like you were?

Yes. But this is not strictly because of the affair. I have always worried about this. I've been cheated on in the past, so I think that's where it stems from. Having the affair hasn't helped though. I had trust issues before and probably even more so now.

@PeachesTheFlamingo Will you ever take actual responsibility for the hurt you have caused? If not, then how did he take advantage of you, can you explain that at least?

I get you OP. Some people don't have that 'one who got away' person in their life and I think thats why you are taking some stick about this. I can totally understand how this situation came about and I'm glad you have now recognised him for what he truly is. Your life will be better without him and I genuinely wish you all the best.

@headstong27

so if he wasn't using you just for sex did you want end up with him?

Initially, no. But once we had been seeing each other for a while, I started feeling really down when he'd leave to go back home to his wife and kids. I started fantasizing about us being together. But then I started feeling even worst because he no longer cared for me the way he seemed to when we were friends.. he was just interested in the sex. I saw him in a different light and my feelings diminished. At this point, I definitely did not want him to leave his wife for me.

* He instigated the affair. *

I hope the least you have learnt from this, as you feel so bad about it now, is that No is a complete sentence OP?

I find it very telling that you didn’t consider his wife and children at all. It’s not like you didn’t know he had them when you entered into the affair. It’s quite an important factor to take into account when getting into a relationship and you obviously knew he was going home to them after having sex with you.

I think this is a really interesting thread actually. This man was obviously a scumbag and a bit predatory. As soon as he sniffed out the vulnerability in OP, he went from being the mate who texts three times a year to actively pursuing her romantically. It sounds like if OP had been in a better place mentally and emotionally then maybe she wouldn’t have reciprocated.

Actually, that’s a question for you OP: if he’d tried it on with you when things were good in your relationship with your ex partner, would you still have had an affair with him?

I do understand how it can happen. I was an OW many years ago. He wasn’t married at the time, but he had a long term partner whom he lived with. I ended it because I wanted more from him and realised that even if he did leave his partner for me, he was already a proven liar and a cheat so I’d never be able to trust him.

I spent years, beating myself up about being an OW, but a few years ago I began to look at it differently. At the time of the affair I was having serious mental health problems and lots of aspects of my life were an absolute mess. My affair partner sniffed that out a mile off and went right in for the kill.

I suspect that that’s the case for a lot of women who end up as OW. Having an affair with a married man is almost like an anti-relationship isn’t it? Accepting second-best status as default and that in order for the relationship to even exist at all, it has to be all on his terms.

A single woman having an affair with a married man might as well be waving a massive red flag above her head that says ‘my self esteem is in the toilet’.

@Palavah

What do you think of him now that you look back on it?

I used to be in love with him. Literally besotted. For over a decade I would think about him daily.
As we remained friends over that decade.. I really thought he was a friend, thought he genuinely cared for me as a friend.
The affair made me realise he didn't care for me. He just wanted sex.
I look at him completely differently now. I no longer have feelings for him. I used to think he was the love of my life. Now I think he is an opportunist and a bit sad.

Would you get involved with a married man again?

Absolutely no way. Not a chance.

If your hisband cheated on you like that and asked forgiveness would you take him back?

No, I would not.

Accepting second-best status as default and that in order for the relationship to even exist at all, it has to be all on his terms

I know someone who claims to really like being the OW...being the temptress, the exciting, irresistible one who tempted the married man away, the sexy one etc. She even trots out that God awful line about no harm being done because "he gets what he needs from me then goes home to her".

In reality no one wants to date her so she keeps shagging married men who are bored with their wives and want sex on tap.

Do you think he's had other affairs during his marriage?

Morals aside I couldn’t deal with the rejection of the person leaving to go back to the wife/husband. Whatever way they spin it, it is still ultimately a form of rejection. Not my cup of tea, not a nice way to feel or be treated.

Whilst I don’t agree at all, you did have feelings for him prior to him being married. They grew from that, not the married man you came to be intimate with. It’s very hard leaving past (albeit relatively unreciprocated) feelings out of it. He on the other hand should have buried his feelings/urges 🤷‍♀️ much deeper and not pursued you.

We didn't use SM. We chatted on WhatsApp.

OP, WhatsApp is a social medium, which is any website, forum, or application used to network through personal or professional means.

The point of that pedantry—and possibly a question to ask yourself—is how far would the flirtation have gone if he, or you, had needed to make regular contact and flirtation and effort in real, physical life before deciding/agreeing to engage in an affair.

I have no questions for you other than does the wife now know.

@RUOKHon

I think this is a really interesting thread actually. This man was obviously a scumbag and a bit predatory. As soon as he sniffed out the vulnerability in OP, he went from being the mate who texts three times a year to actively pursuing her romantically. It sounds like if OP had been in a better place mentally and emotionally then maybe she wouldn’t have reciprocated.

Actually, that’s a question for you OP: if he’d tried it on with you when things were good in your relationship with your ex partner, would you still have had an affair with him?

I do understand how it can happen. I was an OW many years ago. He wasn’t married at the time, but he had a long term partner whom he lived with. I ended it because I wanted more from him and realised that even if he did leave his partner for me, he was already a proven liar and a cheat so I’d never be able to trust him.

I spent years, beating myself up about being an OW, but a few years ago I began to look at it differently. At the time of the affair I was having serious mental health problems and lots of aspects of my life were an absolute mess. My affair partner sniffed that out a mile off and went right in for the kill.

I suspect that that’s the case for a lot of women who end up as OW. Having an affair with a married man is almost like an anti-relationship isn’t it? Accepting second-best status as default and that in order for the relationship to even exist at all, it has to be all on his terms.

A single woman having an affair with a married man might as well be waving a massive red flag above her head that says ‘my self esteem is in the toilet’.

I've been an OW for nearly 2 years. When I read posts like this it does make me think a bit. Is my self esteem really low? I wouldn't have said so, but maybe. Some good points made by @RUOKHon

Great thread OP. I always read the OW threads with interest but would be too scared of the MN wrath to start my own.

All these women playing second fiddle.
I hope you learnt from it OP so you would make better choices next time you feel low about yourself and your life.

I think the research shows if someone doesn't leave very quickly into an affair they probably won't as it wasn't quite the catalyst for new insights into wanting a different life as the affair partner may think and just becomes a new status quo of having an ongoing escape.

@neonjumper

I'm a bit gobsmacked at how tone deaf this post of yours is .
You see this AMA as a bit of personal therapy for you , yet you know there are many people who will read this post and will have been on the receiving end of the devastation of affairs .
Yet you think nothing of the trauma you cause them by posting this self indulgent post .

I'll admit, it has been somewhat therapeutic for me to be able to virtually talk about this. However, that was not my main reason for starting this post. As another poster has pointed out, there have been several posts recently from women who have discovered their husband have been having an affair and they have creating posts directly asking questions of the OW.
I am not forcing anyone to view this post. If it is an uncomfortable subject for someone, they can choose not to read through it.

I think it is an interesting post and worthy of discussion.
I have been the OW many years ago and it went on for several years. Looking back there was a script and he followed it to a tee. Honestly I never gave his wife a second thought and at times was annoyed at her for being in the way of our relationship. That wasn’t true of course and it wasn’t some cosmic connection, it was seedy,dishonest and demoralising. It ended when for the seventh year he went on holidays with some excuse as to why it wasn’t what I thought it was. I just cut contact. He went on to have several other long term affairs but is still with his wife.
What do I think now? I am mortified by my attitude back then and am appalled that I was willing to break up an entire family because I felt we couldn’t help we fell in love.
I don’t recognise that person in myself many years later and that is primarily because I have a higher level of want I want for myself and what I will accept for others. I’m not proud of myself but accept it was who I was back then.

@WunWun

Why are you proud enough of it to start the thread?

Narcissism.

Firstly, No one has the right to tell you what you should or should not start a thread about, they don't have to comment or stay on it.

I have never had an affair but I can understand putting someone on a pedestal and its only when it becomes reality, you realise it's no at all what you hoped for, that is the basis for many, many affairs,,so I do get that bit.

The bit I don't understand is, you say you loved him and were besotted with him, but initially didn't want to "end up with him", surely if you love him, that's exactly what you do want ???

HE is the person who is responsible for the disrespect and disgraceful behaviour towards his wife, it obviously doesn't show you in a great light, but no one is perfect.

@NeverTwerkNaked

There's absolutely no need to call the Op names and it is against the site rules

Thank you.

Does he ever contact you now Op? have you been able to move on and make peace with what happened

Our contact dwindled gradually once I ended the affair, but he would make suggestive comments. He would have continued the affair if I hadn't ended it.
I no longer contact him. He contacts me occasionally now, usually just sending me a meme or a link to something he thinks I might be interested in. Nothing flirty or inappropriate. If he did, I'd block him.

I have moved on. I'm in a relationship now and happy. I regret what I did, and I still struggle with it. I haven't fully made peace with it.

Hi OP. Does your new partner know about the affair?

I’m glad you’ve found happiness. No judgment here. Life is complicated.

@PringleMonster

Why do you think we care??
Clearly you don't, but you don't speak for everyone on MN. Some people do care and have questions. This post is for them.

The reason I made a point of saying that I know some people will say "I don't care" etc is because I was reading some interesting threads on AMA yesterday and there seemed to be a running theme of pointless posts saying "So what?" etc.

The fact you did it ,tells us all we need to know about you ,and not in a good way .
You're entitled to your opinion. I'm assuming then that you are the perfect human being and you have never made a bad decision or a mistake. Well done you!

PeachesTheFlamingo: "I have moved on. I'm in a relationship now and happy. I regret what I did, and I still struggle with it. I haven't fully made peace with it."

I hope you do and soon, Peaches. There's no point in beating yourself up about the past. It happened, it's over. I bet you are the only one really hurt too.

Move forward, you have a whole life ahead of you.

There are a few people on this thread who are taking the moral high ground. We are human beings, hardly anyone can look back over life without some regrets. I know I can't.

@feministfemme

You take no responsibility. I've had debilitating depression and done some bad things, but I fully acknowledge that I was the one to do those bad things. Nobody else did it for me, and while some of those things could be explained by extenuating circumstances, I was still the guilty party. Unless you were coerced or forced, you need to accept responsibility for your choices. Your response doesn't show me that at all.

I never would have instigated an affair. He did that. That was his decision.
But, I did not have to get involved with him. That was my choice. So yes, I am responsible too. I am fully aware of that. He didn't force me, I wasn't coerced. I made the conscious decision to have an affair with a married man.
The fact that I was severely depressed at the time did factor into my judgement, susceptibility, vulnerability, decision making, considerations etc. I'm not trying to use my depression/low self-esteem as an excuse, but it was certainly a factor at the time.

How long did it take you from realising you were being used to your feelings changing? I'm in this situation now and it's miserable. I don't know how to stop loving him.