My husband is trans ftm AMA

[WhatOnFuckingEarth]

That’s about it. My husband is a heterosexual trans man and I’m a heterosexual cisgendered woman. We have two kids conceived via IVF (aged 2.5 months and 2 years). He is 5 years on testosterone and 8 years post double mastectomy, 3 years post phalloplasty, 2 years post final genital surgery.

I do not believe humans can change sex. However given the obvious gender dysphoria and the huge amount of surgery and the fact that OPs DH is DOING NO HARM TO ANYONE it is cruel, nasty and just generally poor taste to bleat on about him being a woman, lesbianism etc. Prior to this thread I thought mumsnets reputation as transphobic was unfair and GC views were being conflated with transphobia. Now I'm not so sure.

The basic premise being that they've changed from female to male!!

But that's not a 'basic premise' (or a 'glaringly obvious fact', as you stated earlier).

Nobody can change sex from female to male. A person can take hormones/have surgery to make their body resemble that of their preferred sex more closely, but they cannot actually change from female to male (or vice versa).

The OP's partner has changed their gender presentation, not their sex.

So I still don't understand what you mean by the 'basic premise' that is not being accepted by some.

@Fanthorpe

Thank you *@NotNowPlzz*, I agree there is some transphobia on display here. Hounding people who live their lives privately and respectfully is abysmal.

Hounding? It's interesting- on threads about whether the nhs should fund ivf or if women should become single parents using donor sperm, there are often very negative views expressed quite robustly. But they are neither phobic, nor hounding, they are merely expressing an opinion.

The moment a trans person's choices are questioned, that becomes hounding and transphobia.

People are allowed to express an opinion. I'm sure the OP would have been expecting some challenge given she's posted an AMA on MN.

Is he aware he still needs to go for cervical cancer checks?

How does this happen? Is there still an opening?

My main question is about him being recognised as the father on your children's birth certificate. Given that a transman recently lost in a high profile court case to be recognised as their baby's father, I didn't think this was legally possible. Or are you not in the UK?

My sub question is whether you and your dh believe that every one or most people have a "gender identity" (which I gather to be a metaphysical concept, something like a gendered spirit or essence) which matches (or not) with their biological sex, or do you believe that "being trans" is rooted in the physical world, and is simply a synonym for "has dysphoria regarding their sex characteristics" perhaps related to a developmental anomily in utero?

To whoever asked why many women finded cis offensive, its because it assumes that women have a gender identity which matches their biological sex, and many feminists reject the concept of a gender identity entirely. Saying that women who don't identify as trans have an aligned gender identity is kind of like saying that atheist are people who have a soul that isn't going to heaven. Most women don't believe they have any gender identity, aligned or otherwise, so cis makes inaccurate and offensive assumptions. Just like atheists don't believe that they have a soul which isn't going to heaven, they reject the idea that they have a soul altogether.

That’s an interesting question @WhatAWonderfulDay, I Had just assumed he would have had a total hysterectomy.

You are a braver woman than I am OP. SOME (but by far the minority) of comments on her are unpleasant and even antagonistic!

Congratulations on your baby.

I have found all your answers to PP interesting and informative.

A neighbour of mine is currently transitioning mtf- I have known her very casually as a man for nearly 30 years (I don’t KNOW how old she is but I think late sixties early seventies) but we have built a friendship over the last few months as I have been shopping for her and enjoying regular long phone calls to break the lockdown boredom. She told me at Christmas but I had guessed as I had seen her in her “female presentation” (her words) a couple of times. I am very anxious that I might slip and refer to her with a male pronoun by accident - in the early days of his transition would your DH have found that hurtful or understandable (assuming that it was NOT intentional) ?

Lots of transmen who take testosterone develop significant vaginal atrophy.

Has he had his vagina removed as part of the formation of the phalloplasty?

I worry about all these people with vaginal atrophy that's untreated - it nearly killed Buck Angel.

I'm confused.

We got together a year after he started testosterone and when we went on our first date he told me

when I first met dh he was pre-testosterone and we had a discussion about freezing his eggs just before we started

I don't see how these two statements fit together.

@BunningAndStrave

Is he aware he still needs to go for cervical cancer checks?

How does this happen? Is there still an opening?

I'm glad you asked. I was curious but didn't quite know how to word it.

@Ohfudgeit
Again - we are not a subset of women. We are women. There is no need for cis. Cis is a patriarchal term used by TRA’s to oppress us whilst simultaneously informing us we have “cis” privilege. A privilege, which they say makes us far less vulnerable than trans women, who are apparently the most vulnerable people on the planet. Trans women use cis to erase us. “Welcome to your erasure”.

@BunningAndStrave but the parents who raised the child are the 'real' parents - unless you are also against adoption? I am genuinely confused as to why the people who chose to have the IVF and create the child shouldn't be on the birth certificate, as they are the ones who are committing to raising that child - the sperm donor on the other hand has no expectation to know anything about the procedure. Indeed many probably wouldn't even donate in the first place if they could be traced.

@BunningAndStrave

How do you justify the morality of putting your partner on the birth certificates as father when there's been no biological input?

What about the sperm donor? Do you think your children should know who their real father is?

If ops partner was born male but infertile due to cancer and this they used a donor, would you question the morality of having him on the birth cert?

This is so nosey, but does he have to pump up the penis with a balloon in his testicles?

Also, he doesn't have any sexual sensations during sex, do you feel self conscious during sex, that he's just 'going through the motions'.

If you told me your name was Karen and I decided I was going to just keep calling you Susan you would find it rude and get pissed off-- this situation really isn't any different.

Actually it is different because names are something we can change. Sex is something we can’t. My name can be Karen today and Susan tomorrow. But my sex will always be female. When discussing sexual orientation we use sex. The OPs husband’s sex is female, their gender isn’t their sex.

^^^^^^^
This.

he was in lesbian relationships in his early twenties.

So you accept your husband isn’t heterosexual then?

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings - it's a different thing. Freddie McConnell gave birth to a baby and wants to be on the bc as the baby's father. Only women can give birth and all children have a mother - the OP of this thread is her children's mother.

I'm glad you have both found happiness together. My only question would be, does your husband ever feel vulnerable in male only spaces?

@ILikeGinAndCake I think the deficit lies in your ability (though we all know it willingness) to understand as opposed to the OP’s ability to explain her and her husband’s familial situation.

@BigBadVoodooHat I see and think of him as a man, so I guess I see him as a man, not a trans man. It’s not really a political, conscious choice for me, more of an unconscious thought.

Thank you for your response.

Does your partner believe that they are biologically male, or do they recognise that they are biologically female?

Does he have terrible scarring from the removal of flesh to make his penis?

There’s some really nasty posts here. I am also gender critical, but there’s no need - don’t engage if you don’t want to be polite & considerate.