My husband is trans ftm AMA

[WhatOnFuckingEarth]

That’s about it. My husband is a heterosexual trans man and I’m a heterosexual cisgendered woman. We have two kids conceived via IVF (aged 2.5 months and 2 years). He is 5 years on testosterone and 8 years post double mastectomy, 3 years post phalloplasty, 2 years post final genital surgery.

@Ohfudgeit

When discussing sexuality it's important to specify someones biological sex.

Why is it important? Surely the glaringly obvious fact is that he has changed sex. Even if you don't think he has.

It's impossible to change sex.

I don't get the issue with cis?

Women are not a subset of...erm...women.

OP - How was all the surgery funded? If on the NHS, what processes did he have to go through to be considered for the surgery? If private, did he have to go through the same processes as he would have on the NHS/more lax/more strict?

Nobody looks at a potential sexual partner and goes “phwoar, nice set of X chromosomes you have there”

Of course a heterosexual woman can be attracted to a female who presents as a male.

I agree @NotNowPlzz

This is a really interesting thread.

OP, do you still have a relationship with your mother after her comments when you told her? And how have your husband's parents reacted throughout his life?

[quote CarrotCakeCrumbs]@bunningandstrave just wondering do you ask the same questions to heterosexual couples struggling with infertility about the birth certificate and 'real' fathers when they've had to use IVF to conceive?[/quote]
Yes, I would.

Some people don't seem to accept the basic premise of what it is!!

Could you elaborate on what you mean by 'basic premise' here? I don;t understand what you mean by that?

@ILikeGinAndCake nasty

@Smallsteps88

If you told me your name was Karen and I decided I was going to just keep calling you Susan you would find it rude and get pissed off-- this situation really isn't any different.

Actually it is different because names are something we can change. Sex is something we can’t. My name can be Karen today and Susan tomorrow. But my sex will always be female. When discussing sexual orientation we use sex. The OPs husband’s sex is female, their gender isn’t their sex.

I am well aware of the difference between gender and sex thanks.

What pronouns would you use to refer to the OP's DH then- if you're going to doggedly pursue (for whatever agenda you have) that that the OP's DH is 'female'?

ILikeGinAndCake did that post make you feel good about yourself?

Thank you @NotNowPlzz, I agree there is some transphobia on display here. Hounding people who live their lives privately and respectfully is abysmal.

This is such a lovely story OP, thank you for sharing it! I hope you and your family have a happy ever after (and that your mum gets over herself and can one day have a relationship with her grandchildren).

Will you mention to your children that daddy used to be a little girl? Just thinking, earlier is better as that probably only seems strange to an older child or adult. When I mentioned something about "when mummy was a little girl", my DS (3) was baffled. He definitely wouldn't have found it any weirder to think of his dad that way.

I don’t think any of the posts have been nasty?

I do have opinions though.

I find it abhorrent that a medical practitioner would perform surgery that removes sexual function and feeling so that someone can ‘pee standing up’.

I am also deeply uncomfortable with having ‘father’ on the birth certificates. I think BCs are a record for the child and not a validation vehicle for the parents.

I also think it’s homophobic in the extreme to claim you are both straight.

I do wish you and your husband all the best though and I hope he is happy in his acquired gender.

@TinselAngel

Is your partner autoandrophile?

I would not have thought so. It sounds as though he is a post op transsexual with a functioning penis.

Wouldn’t be something I’d want to bring children into but good luck to you both.

Better than bringing children into a family with a judgemental, narrow minded parent.

I got even more confused that you’d had children
How do you think hetero cis-gendered couples with infertility couples have kids? Are you as confused by them having ivf as you are by the OP having ivf?

I'm just here to thank you for posting. You have answered the questions openly and honestly and I appreciate how hard it is to talk about trans on Mumsnet.

Can I ask, sorry if it's been asked, is your DH autistic?

Thanks OP for a great, interesting thread.

Could someone please explain to me the problem with using CIS WOMEN as a phrase?

@ILikeGinAndCake

I’m so confused by the original post, I had to read it 5 times to work it all out. How can you be heterosexual if you got with a woman with woman’s bits? I got even more confused that you’d had children, I guess sperm donor ivf and you gave birth. All very confusing, hopefully your kids won’t be as confused. Wouldn’t be something I’d want to bring children into but good luck to you both.

This is fully your problem and you are able to do something about your ignorance if you choose, why did you choose to post that instead?

Hi,
Some time now past surgery, how happy is your DH with the appearance, recovery and function of the skin etc. at the donor site on his body that was used to create a phallus?
When it was constructed, was he given advice as to his future sexual pleasure, and did the outcome match the advice and/or expectation, for him?

Thanks, and forgive me if I haven't used exact surgical terms.

Is he aware he still needs to go for cervical cancer checks?
Is he bothered if all the literature talks about 'women'?

Would he mind if the main literature addressed 'women' and there was an add-on pamphlets addressed to transmen? Or does he think it should ALL be directed at "Cervix-havers"?

Does he feel left out/unvalidated when he sees prostate cancer material addressed to men and not "prostate-havers"?

Ilikeginandcake I don't see what is confusing about it, the only thing that confused me was the use of heterosexual but that has been discussed and there are clearly posters with different opinions. Otherwise the OP was very clear and concise.

The OP has answered questions gracefully and I've found the thread to be interesting, I don't think her husband being transgender will be confusing for their children, as the OP has already mentioned she and her husband plan to discuss it when they feel the time is right.

@Bercows I’m genuinely not quite sure.
@BigBadVoodooHat I see and think of him as a man, so I guess I see him as a man, not a trans man. It’s not really a political, conscious choice for me, more of an unconscious thought.
@Margotshypotheticaldog I’ve always dated men and have had both negative and positive sexual experiences with them.
@BunningAndStrave I justify it the same as a couple in which they are both cisgendered and have adopted or used a sperm donor for their children. We will tell them dh is trans and they were conceived by IVF when the time comes and if they want they can track down the donor.
@AtomicRabbit He disagrees in trans people participating with their chosen gender when there is a physical advantage. We feel uncomfortable with both JK Rowling and the extreme TRA.
@Ohfudgeit I was his first post semi transition relationship but he was in lesbian relationships in his early twenties.
@leflic He grew up happy and struggled with depression in his teens/twenties from gender dysphoria. There has been no sexual abuse etc. No I haven’t as it is his choice so I won’t question it.

What pronouns would you use to refer to the OP's DH then- if you're going to doggedly pursue (for whatever agenda you have) that that the OP's DH is 'female'?

I’d use whatever pronouns her DH preferred. They’re still female. Pronouns don’t change your sex. Sex isn’t a feeling.