Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AMA

My husband is trans ftm AMA

457 replies

WhatOnFuckingEarth · 23/07/2020 10:53

That’s about it. My husband is a heterosexual trans man and I’m a heterosexual cisgendered woman. We have two kids conceived via IVF (aged 2.5 months and 2 years). He is 5 years on testosterone and 8 years post double mastectomy, 3 years post phalloplasty, 2 years post final genital surgery.

OP posts:
WhatOnFuckingEarth · 23/07/2020 14:41

@BovaryX He always knew something was wrong and when trans issues were spoken about more he realised that was him. Already answered the other question :-)
@NekoShiro Dh finds this frustrating as he just wants to live life as a man.
@LonginesPrime
He has in the past told very close friends but only a couple. The rest of his friends don’t know. We want to tell the kids to avoid them finding out in the future and being upset.
@Tsukukuviri
I don’t see how that is relevant since he chose not to freeze his eggs.
@bishopgiggles
My dh accepts that you can be a trans man and be gender noncomformist however believes being trans requires dysphoria, which in turn leads to you likely transitioning.

OP posts:
WhatOnFuckingEarth · 23/07/2020 14:42

@Ohfudgeit exactly

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 23/07/2020 14:43

@Bluepolkadots42

Thanks *@CuriousaboutSamphire* for your response. I guess we disagree on that initial starting point- 'transwomen aren't women, they're a subset of men'. I also disagree that transwomen have same privileges as women. Like any minority transwomen are more likely to encounter discrimination because they aren't 'the status quo'. Based on unofficial figures (because official figures aren't kept on this apparently) trans people are more likely to face violent crime in the UK than non-trans people. www.channel4.com/news/factcheck/factcheck-how-many-trans-people-murdered-uk I think it is possible to acknowledge that transwomen are more likely to face discrimination than women as well as to acknowledge that women still face discrimination and less privileges than males.

Start with legislation. Maybe look at how many owmens crimes were committed by men! Think about how including the male body in female statistics will skew those numbers.
How will the skewing of stats by including crimes committed by transwomen in female crime stats impact women? How would it impact you or I personally in our day to day lives?

I must confess I'm not a huge twitter user anymore, but never seen anything on there where people have claimed transwomen are the most vulnerable group on planet or whatever other hyperbolic statement a PP made. I have seen posts flagging the problems/discrimination transwomen experience. How does a transwoman speaking out about their lived experiences of crime/discrimination/prejudice take anything away from other women speaking their lived experiences of crime/discrimination/prejudice etc? Again- can the 2 not exist side by side without one detracting from the other?

@Mummyoflittledragon
I obviously do not condone the disgustingly violent threats and comments JK received. It was also not condoned by TRA organisations like Mermaid- who made that clear in the open response letter they wrote to JK. Like any group there will always be wrong'uns- that doesn't represent necessarily all people who campaign for trans rights surely? In the same way not all Labour supporters are anti-semitic just because a minority have proved to be.

Women only areas are quickly becoming mixed sex with male only areas often remaining male only. Now this is something I agree with you is concerning and is something that everyone needs to be picking organisations up on when they are changing toilet/change facilities. If companies are going to rebrand certain change/toilet spaces as 'mixed sex' then both male and female change/toilet spaces need to be equally taken and given for this- not only the female spaces. Or even better- keep all the original 'gendered' spaces and provide a new, third space. That way there's no loss for anyone- only gain.

The link you’ve provided regarding violence against transwomen says The limited data we’re working with suggests that in the UK at least, a trans person is less likely to be murdered than the average person

So that’s the opposite to what you’re claiming 🤷🏼‍♀️

Soontobe60 · 23/07/2020 14:45

[quote WhatOnFuckingEarth]@AlphabetABC My husband got testosterone through the NHS, however he had his surgeries funded privately through savings. He put away money monthly from his salary.
@Tallace No
@MonsteraCheeseplant He hasn’t however it is something he will likely do in the future.
@LonginesPrime
This is dh’s worst nightmare! He tends to just homily play along. Many a time I’ve changed the subject 😁
@ShouldWeChangeTheBulb My husband and I found that JK Rowling didn’t seem to have as much knowledge as she thought about trans people and transitioning. She made some very flippant comments.[/quote]
What were those comments? Mostly she was talking about women.

bishopgiggles · 23/07/2020 14:54

My dh accepts that you can be a trans man and be gender noncomformist however believes being trans requires dysphoria, which in turn leads to you likely transitioning.

I'd largely agree, but the recent wave of transactivism (which is the point at which I started to think "Hang on a minute...") was mainly based around campaigning to remove gender dysphoria as a criterion for being transgender, therefore allowing anyone to self-identify as the opposite sex... does your DH get involved with any campaigning or political discussion, or see it as not really being to do with him? (I imagine with a young baby perhaps you don't currently have the time/energy for any of this sort of thing but I meant more generally!)

CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/07/2020 14:55

To be fair @Soontobe60 that poster has responded very positively to Erish. She seems to be reconsidering a she reads...

Tsukukuviri · 23/07/2020 14:55

How is it flippant for JK Rowling to say only women menstruate????

If that’s your view then I can see why you have avoided answering my question.

The truth is that you cannot ignore biology, no matter how much you try to pretend it doesn’t matter.

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 23/07/2020 14:56

God there are some horrible people on this thread. I wish you and your family all the best OP. Does your DH know you've posted this thread?

Leflic · 23/07/2020 14:58

@Ohfudgeit

He isn't a man and never will be.

What is he then, if not a man?

Look if the Ops husbands died and got dug up 1000 years later, what would the archeological team say they found? They’d do a DNA test and say ; woman.
Bluepolkadots42 · 23/07/2020 15:04

@Soontobe60 yes the link says that about murder rates but it also says what I've said about violent crimes- that's the link I took that claim from, which is why I included it.

WhatOnFuckingEarth · 23/07/2020 15:09

@MyGhastIsFlabbered Yes he does
@bishopgiggles My dh thinks it’s frankly bullshit and doesn’t do any activism as he prefers to lead a more laid back existence without people knowing he’s trans

OP posts:
Ereshkigalangcleg · 23/07/2020 15:13

that's the link I took that claim from, which is why I included it.

There are some big problems with that claim when you unpack it, but FWR is probably the best place for that. In short, no I don't believe that trans people are more likely to experience a violent attack, nor do I think the data Channel 4 are claiming says that, does indeed do so. It's obfuscated in "hate crime" and "domestic abuse":

bishopgiggles · 23/07/2020 15:14

My dh thinks it’s frankly bullshit and doesn’t do any activism as he prefers to lead a more laid back existence without people knowing he’s trans

I suspect there are many like him we don't hear from - after all isn't the point of transitioning mostly to just live your life in the way that makes you happy? I don't blame you at all but some of the loudest voices will be the least representative of his views.

Ohfudgeit · 23/07/2020 15:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bluepolkadots42 · 23/07/2020 15:31

@CuriousaboutSamphire thanks for taking the time to respond. I am working my way through a thread that another poster recommended which I believe is on the women's rights section. I am finding it very interesting and certainly illuminating in a number of areas.

@Bluepolkadots42 sorry, I am going to go through that bit by bit again. It seems to be the only way to make sure we can carry on politely agreing to disagree - a real discussion is bloody rare here, thank you smile

So the 'transwomen aren't women thing' - firstly, I acknowledge that sex cannot be changed because it is genetically dictated. However when we consider 'woman' as a social construct and as a gender then this is where I accept transwomen are women and I am happy to view them as women within society. I am now reading on the thread a PP shared around how this can be problematic and you've also referenced a number of things too such as sport. So I accept that my position is by no means perfect or unflawed. I think I struggle when people insist on calling transwomen 'men' because it feels unkind, disrespectful and against their wishes- in the same way it would be to call religious people fantasists for believing in an invisible deity. However, as I've said- after reading part of the women's rights thread: break it down for me, I can now see that there are still areas of life where it is necessary to differentiate people according to their biological sex in order to ensure biological females are not disadvantaged. I think this was not an area I had been fully aware of properly- I had seen it referred to on here and in a few other places, but always loosely or seemingly hyperbolically.

Mmmm! We may be at cross purposes there. Transwomen have the same human rights as women. They have protections under the EA2010 but not the same as women as those additonal protections are sex based! But they are given additonal legal protection, te same as women, disabled people etc. Yes think we are at cross purposes- rights and privileges are not always the same thing. I still believe that as a minority, in some situations transwomen will face difficulties and encounter discrimination I would never encounter as someone who is born female.

Yep! Which makes the discrimination they encounter the same as that of many ther people, for many other reasons. But not the same as women when you break it down into who dies and how? I agree- the discrimination they face may not be or look the same, this shouldn't detract though from the point though that they are a group that faces significant discrimination and, in my mind at least, therefore are a group that are deserving of allyship.

! I remember a thread about that programme. There are figures. One transwoman was killed last year(?) in the UK, there was only 1 over a number of years. Meanwhile 2+ women a week are killed by their partners. There are also ONS stats that show transwomen are slightly more likely to be the perpetrator of violence than men! The search I did earlier said there wasn't any specific official figures, but I will have another go. What the figures do say is that transwomen are more likely to be victims of violent crime than those born female. Obviously there will be a number of different categories that fall under 'violent crime' so it isn't really useful to compare DV stats in this context I don't think. Also, the DV stats for this country are appalling, but I feel it is possible and right to acknowledge them AND also to acknowledge the fact that some stats show transwomen are more likely to be victim of violent crimes. Neither of those stats are acceptable and compel me to want to support both DV survivors and transwomen who have been victims of violent crime.

I think it would be nice if we could discuss the truth behind that statement without the TRA responses as seen here, on Twitter, in real life, doxxing, police action, at womens meetings etc. Women are trying to discuss this. To set boundaries they consider they need to feel and be safe. TRAs are overleaping and refusing any discussion, refusing and thrteaning with violence. Why? I can't comment on this really because I haven't tried to have that conversation with any TRAs. As someone who has never been either a TRA or considered themselves GC from where I'm standing it seems both sides feel the other is taking something from them- GC stance is TRs take from women's rights and from TRA's side, GC people are taking their right to exist safely and be accepted fully in society. I'm not saying my surmising of those positions is correct or accurate, but based on what I have read (which isn't extensive) this seems to be what it boils down to. Part of me feels that both these positions have a strong point- I think the issue is how to give both sides what they need. Is it possible to do that? How could that be gone about?

Really? There are so many ways. If you think about why thiose figures are collected in the first place - crime, health, any social data. Why is it collected? Yes- sorry I'm still stuck on this one. I don't really know why those figures are collected in first place outside of being a measurement for the powers that be of how what social issues in this country are the biggest problems and need most urgently addressing? I guess health data will be used to inform future services etc.?

I am not a twitter user at all yet I can do a quick Google search and find many... and many are collated on many FWR threads - as are the threats of violence! I don't deny there are vile people affiliated with the TRA groups- but as I've stated before, there is good and bad in every group and I wouldn't use it as a reason to necessarily ignore the key points/ideas TRA group make/have.

It doesn't until they demand to use the same safe spaces as women. Then rape crisis centres are no longer safe spaces for women. The presence of a male bodied person, any male bodied person will be scary for some. That's why such places exist in the first place. Fought for, funded by, staffed by and for women. What kind of person would want to make such places less effective? I can totally see and agree with this line of argument and thought- can I ask if GC people only feel like this towards transwomen who still have male genitalia? Or is this stance just generally towards any transwomen using spaces like rape crisis centres/ women's refuges?

Side by side in the very same space, the same sport, the same law? No. Because transwomen are men and there are sex segregated spaces, sports, laws, etc etc etc for good reasons. Even if transwomen do not believe those reasons are valid any more tehya re not their spaces to give away and women have the right to say no, to be heard and to speak without threats of violence Again, similarly with the toilet issue, I think the focus should be on powers that be creating 'third' spaces to avoid any existing spaces being encroached upon. Let's be honest though- it isn't in the powers that be's interests (certainly not their financial interests) to cater for a minority like the transcommunity and so instead I'm sure they're sitting back enjoying the conflict that happens between GC and TRA groups, rather than helping to provide a solution.

You type as though there has been no history of TRA aggression, as though there is no history behind this. I am most likely not aware of all instances of TRA aggression, however I expect if we looked hard enough there would be examples of aggression from both sides of this argument. I think aggression and threats are unacceptable whichever side it comes from. I am reading on the WR thread now though about concerns that misogynists are trying to hijack TRA stuff to help shutdown women's voices etc. and that, of course, is a serious concern.

MasterBruceBalloon · 23/07/2020 15:31

How do you address your children? Do you go with their gender 'assigned to them at birth?

HDDD · 23/07/2020 15:38

Really interesting thread, thank you for all your thoughtful answers thus far. Just one question from me. Can I push you further on both your views on JKR? I read her essay and was stunned and genuinely (naively) thought, well no one can argue with that, and yet...what knowledge is she lacking? What is she uninformed about in particular?

Oliversmumsarmy · 23/07/2020 15:44

If you accept transwomen are women then is that why you think women are no longer women but Cis women

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 23/07/2020 15:49

God there are some horrible people on this thread.

What? Because we won't sell our reality to the highest bidder?

I hope the OP and her husband and children smile every single day. But I still don't believe the OP's husband to be male. That's it in all it's simple glory!

Ohfudgeit · 23/07/2020 15:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ohfudgeit · 23/07/2020 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FFSFFSFFS · 23/07/2020 15:50

I'm also still waiting for a response on the JK Rowling point - I am genuinely interested to hear what the OP considers are the issues which she didn't understand are.

BiBabbles · 23/07/2020 15:52

Thank you for posting and dealing with some of the repetitive arguments.

One thing I wanted to point out, as it's a sticking point:

being trans requires dysphoria, which in turn leads to you likely transitioning.

While I agree on the former point, on the latter - the data doesn't back it up. Even according to GIRES, the vast majority of dysphoric people do not medically transition and there isn't much data to suggest that a significantly larger percent socially transition only (but it is an area that is very underresearched). That's part of why cis moving out of academia into popular culture has been such an issue not only for those with a very different view on gender, but even Julia Serrano, who is largely credited with being the trans woman who popularized outside of academia, has discussed that a cis/trans binary would never work because we can't say it is incredibly inappropriate to force all dysphoric people to identify as trans or to force them identify as cis. Even within this concept of gender, there will always be people who are neither before getting into the other views of it.

Ohfudgeit · 23/07/2020 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 23/07/2020 15:54

@Ohfudgeit

Ooooh, get you. So sharp, you'll cut yourself. Take it easy, OK!

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.