My husband is trans ftm AMA

[WhatOnFuckingEarth]

That’s about it. My husband is a heterosexual trans man and I’m a heterosexual cisgendered woman. We have two kids conceived via IVF (aged 2.5 months and 2 years). He is 5 years on testosterone and 8 years post double mastectomy, 3 years post phalloplasty, 2 years post final genital surgery.

@Yellowc My dh round the phalloplasty the worst and most painful due to the arm as well as the genitals. That took about 6 weeks until he felt himself and pain free again and 3 months until we could have sex. The second surgery was only painful for a couple of weeks with sex being 2.5months later.
@Isthisfinallyit When I look at pictures of my husband as a young child, I almost don’t associate him with the man he is now as they seem so incredibly different.
@PinkyU I find it frustrating when dh is referred to as they or a partner just because he is trans. It’s unnecessary and childish. I don’t find it particularly pervy that people are interested in our sex lives as it isn’t talked about much.
@Fandajji I do find it frustrating as my relationship is heterosexual however people are entitled to their own opinions and I accept that.
@CarrotCakeCrumbs I don’t really know what you mean but to clarify. At the time my husband identified as a woman and therefore a lesbian. He didn’t know he was trans at that time although he still felt gender dysphoria. Now he has realised he is trans he labels relationships with women as straight.

And I think the penny is starting to finally drop for me about the reasons why some people see trans rights as eroding women's rights. It is so helpful to have practical, real life examples being given rather than just people stating endlessly 'trans women aren't women'.

Glad to help. There's a rich wealth of information on FWR.

@Ereshkigalangcleg

Yes, I did Hooves. Feel free to go back and look. It would have probably been best to read the posts it was in response to, before jumping in with a false assumption that you couldn't be bothered to check, to avoid making yourself look foolish, but you do you. Not engaging with this.

Nope. I read the post that you quoted and the comment that you made. I responded to that post. Irrelevant what you said in any other post and makes no sense in the comment you made to me. I know you'll never admit you made a mistake though so we'll leave it there.

@PotholeParadise Dh was in pain and had to recover after the operations however it hasn’t had a lasting effect on his health that we know of

I'm GC but believe 'genuine' trans people are exactly that and from what the OP says it sounds like transitioning has worked well for the husband.

WhatOnFuckingEarth what's your DH's view on the TRA line that anyone can be trans without making any physical transition - i.e. would he accept a typical feminine-presenting woman as being a trans man in the same way that he is, or does he believe some outward change is necessary? (personally I think that no-one, trans or otherwise, needs to conform to gender stereotypes, but it seems common in the trans community for clothes and presentation to be gendered).

@WhatOnFuckingEarth if it helps. My friend is about 8 years post his last op, 10+ years post phalloplasty, and has no issues. Check ups yes, but no issues.

Genuine question about the eggs thing. If he truly identifies as a male, why would he even have considered using his eggs to produce your children? This is something I don’t understand about transmen who get pregnant: surely pregnancy is the supreme example of women performing a uniquely female biological function? So why even consider using “his” eggs at all, and I use “his eggs” not to “misgender him” but because it is biologically impossible to say his eggs without using quotes given that men can’t and don’t produce eggs?

@TinselAngel No, he is not an autoandrophile.

@Ohfudgeit

I would see two different states. Transgenderism and transexualism. The former, the FWR crew seem to take issue with. The latter perhaps not so much, apart from the die hards.

Wotcha talkin bout here?

sorry just realised my previous post said 'typical feminine-presenting woman' but I meant a female who internally felt they were a man.

Thanks for this thread. It’s lovely to hear about your family and you’ve answered so many questions that are great for people’s understanding. Can your husband still orgasm after his surgery?

I find it frustrating when dh is referred to as they or a partner just because he is trans. It’s unnecessary and childish.

Could you explain why? Why should someone who doesn't believe it's possible to be born in the wrong body, who doesn't share your beliefs, be compelled to speak as if they do? They're not calling your partner by a female pronoun, out of respect for them.

They're being as polite as they can while being true to what they personally believe about sex/gender/gender identity.

This is dh’s worst nightmare! He tends to just homily play along. Many a time I’ve changed the subject

That's really interesting- I can see parallels with that in my own life (being gay, neurodivergent, etc) where you get the dreaded sense the conversation is veering in that general direction and try to head it off at the pass!

I guess the difference is that if it's anyone I'm likely to see again, I'll tend to err on the side of telling them and getting it out of the way to avoid the awkwardness later if they do find out, whereas your DH understandably wants to be accepted as male and doesn't want new people to know.

I've been caught out in 'straight lies' where someone's assumed I'm straight, I've thought "fuck it, I'll just smile and nod for an easy life" and then they come back into my life and it gets more and more awkward!

Have you had situations (outside of medical stuff) where he's felt it necessary to explain to new people that he's trans? Either way, do you think worrying about this kind of thing takes up a lot of headspace for him?

Also, does it ever prevent him from supporting other trans people because he doesn't want to 'out' himself, especially working with students?

@cuntryclub My dh isn’t diagnosed with ASD however I believe he may have traits of Apergers.
@ThrowawayBerna My dh is happy with the outcome and look of his penis. He was told that unless he had a metoidiplasty he would have no sexual sensation in his penis which has run true.

How does your husband feel when strangers on the Internet reduce his worth to just his genitals?

What's it like for him to have people who have never questioned their sexual or gender identity, tell him what they want him to do with his own body and that he is wrong for being who he is?

at the time my husband identified as a woman and therefore a lesbian. He didn’t know he was trans at that time although he still felt gender dysphoria. Now he has realised he is trans

Hi OP,
What triggered the realisation he was trans? When did he have that epiphany? From what you have written, there has been a serious price from the surgery. Was he aware of that price prior to the surgery? The loss of all sexual sensation? I guess this is maybe unanswerable, but what happens if he regrets it?

Jesus Christ it'd be nice if the people asking 'can he orgasm' had the tiniest amount of respect for the OP (and everyone else) to read the thread first?

@BigBadVoodooHat My partner knows he has xx chromosomes which he can’t change.
@AfterSchoolWorry Yes he does have to ‘pump up his penis’ to make it erect. Quite often I worry he isn’t enjoying himself but he assured me he is and I have to trust him in that.
@ChangeThePassword Sorry I got confused. When I met dh he was a year on T. I was thinking about bottom surgery and getting muddled. He had to decide whether to freeze eggs when he went on T and decided against it. I was thinking of another thing altogether. Sorry to confuse you, just to clarify everything.

Post-transition, does he find it easier to form friendships with women or with men?

I'm sorry for saying they and partner. My autistic brain finds it impossible to accept that someone born female is called he/him/his especially when talking about "his eggs." I didn't mean to cause offence.

@BigBadVoodooHat My partner knows he has xx chromosomes which he can’t change.

Thank you, I appreciate your response

@Ereshkigalangcleg

I find it frustrating when dh is referred to as they or a partner just because he is trans. It’s unnecessary and childish.

Could you explain why? Why should someone who doesn't believe it's possible to be born in the wrong body, who doesn't share your beliefs, be compelled to speak as if they do? They're not calling your partner by a female pronoun, out of respect for them.

They're being as polite as they can while being true to what they personally believe about sex/gender/gender identity.

Quite. As a trans widow it's against my beliefs in this instance to say "husband", but I will still be polite and say "partner".

I would still be interested in what the OP thinks about autoandrophilia?

@Ohfudgeit

The basic premise being that they've changed from female to male!!

But that’s not possible, and the OP has acknowledged that her husband is biologically female.