Im becoming a surrogate, AMA

[HotPotatoBlessMySoul]

Just had first transfer in hopes of becoming a surrogate for a friend.
Ask away.

I’m guessing the reason you haven’t stayed how much the expenses are is because they are surprisingly generous and you don’t want to admit you are motivated, partly, by the money

Fenellavelour

I see no reason for the child to have a disordered attachment.

Apart from a neonate being instantly and permanently separated from its mother straight after birth??

It’s horrendous how ignorant and selfish adults put their wants, before the BIOLOGICAL NEEDS of an innocent baby who did not ask to be born.

I'm a mother with both adopted and birth children. My youngest dd was placed in my care the day she was born (hugely complicated situation) I did a vast amount of research into the evidence that is emerging surrounding epigentics and the importance of the fourth trimester etc in a child's development. It was drilled into me that all adoption starts from a place of loss/trauma and that this must be recognised and addressed.
What are your feelings regarding all this latest research and did it affect your decision at all?
I'm not coming from a place of judgement by the way, I honestly believe everyone does what they feel is right and I wish you all well. I was just curious given my own experiences.

Some of the things you're saying indicate you're using coping mechanisms as you're going through this. This seems so sad, sorry.

That’s fine if you perceive it that way.
Hmmm.... ok how would you think I should be describing it all?
If I go to clear cut I’m cold. If I was to be all soppy you’d all tell me I was setting my self up for a fall.
By separating the issues in to a few sent aces without my body language and facial expressions you can’t really know what I’m thinking or feeling.

Colostrum qu is ridiculous! What about all the women who bottle feed??
As the parent of an adopted child and I say this in the nicest way i can see why they would use surrogacy. Adoption is very rarely from birth and generally from some kind of toxic background.
Op you're doing an amazing thing. Wishing you all all the best

Thank you

It was another question clearly aimed at being harmful, I thought

So you’ll get paid quite a hefty sum but you can go around telling everyone that you’ve gone this lovely, altruistic thing, when really you were motivated by money?

What age do you think the cut off age for buying and selling human beings should be? Or is it only new newborn babies who don’t have basic human rights?

OP, would you have gone ahead if your DC had objected? I realise they’re not old enough, of course, just wondered if you would.

Well my gut instinct is to say if the whole family didn’t agree i wouldn’t do it. However typing that leaves me open to being snipped at because they aren’t older enough to put in an opinion, so they hate me when they are older comments. . So I can’t win that one.

I think it’s a great thing. I would do this for either one of my sisters if they were struggling to conceive

for some people you love you would do something like this.

In event of anything awful happening in labour and it’s me or the baby, is agreed my life is to be paramount

The fact that this had to be said or agreed upon is troubling.

No it’s sensible to have every minor detail planned out. Even the lawyer asks.

It’s their choice to terminate if they aren’t happy with any of the Down’s syndrome etc testing.

So you are giving up the right to basic decisions about your own body.. they can make you have an abortion?
Yup.

"It was another question clearly aimed at being harmful, I thought"

You really are cherry picking the questions aren't you!

My questions were not worded in a critical way, I have an opinion but I was wondering if the answers might change it.

Well you can't change my opinion if you don't answer my questions!

I am against surrogacy but given that it exists, I would like to think that the women who choose to be surrogates have at least put some critical thought into it. I don't think you have. You started this thread to get loads of validation and approval, you are lapping up all the compliments and completely ignoring the more challenging questions.

can they pay you more as a gift or something?

this would actually be illegal and would be likely to be picked up by the court in the process of making a parental order - it would be obvious if there were any material changes or deposits in bank account etc. and all finances and payments are quite heavily scrutinised by the reporter appointed by the court.

Exactly!

Did you say both donor sperm and donor egg is being used, or did I read that wrong?

Also you say you will see the child regularly. What if the couple fall out with you? What if they move to australia?

It’s the same as any family falling out or moving away really

There is the recommended amount

And what is it?

And will they cover your lost wages for life if you can no longer work?

Will your husband be happy to be the sole earner for life if they refuse to replace your lost income?

Google seems to suggest £15k but there’s room for fluctuation.

Thanks for answering the questions op. I wish you luck.

I do feel a bit of a heartfelt kicker when I think of the baby being separated, from the baby’s p.o.v, but at least you sound emotionally together about it. I couldn’t!

This does not mean to sound negative in any way!
I hope you have an easy pregnancy and baby is healthy.

My question is, when you take the pregnancy test, will you feel impartial to the result. It seems you haven't put too much emotion into this and are very 'business' like. (Please take that the way it is intended...not a criticism at all)
If test is negative will you have any emotion, how would you deal with that when the father's will be disappointed and possibly sad?

If you do get pregnant, and you for some reason regret immediately are you able to abort baby? (Nobody gets pregnant to abort, I understand this) but in reality nobody knows how they will 100% feel until the time comes.

Not offended, I think you worded that very nicely. Thank you

I’m hoping it’s positive first time.
I’m happy doing this but the drugs and time and the transfer were hard.
They have a certain amount of eggs and I can stop any time but I hope it happens first time. We’ve all been waiting ages to get here. I’ll be sad if it’s negative. For them and I’ll have to remind myself it’s not my fault if it doesn’t work first time or ever.
Like Id be sad for a sister if she was hoping for a positive test.. does that make sense?

Am I able to abort? Well I think I’d talk to them if I was so distressed, and knowing my friends as out previous conversations I think they’d understanding. It might change a few things and I’d be sad but ultimately my mental health would be paramount if I felt that way. Which I doubt.

OP - I love your compassion, generosity and concise and clear epxression

Goodness I feel like I’m rambling and not expressing it at all well so thank you.

Will it be a planned section? Only ask that as the babies I know born by surrogacy were.

Will you be a part of the baby’s life? Presumably as a friend’s child you will see them? Will they be told you gave birth to them? Will you be treated as/referred to any differently to any other friend of the couple?

He’s god father to my daughter. We are to be god parents to this child.
It’s up to them what they tell the child. But they’ve said no reason not to tell it the truth.

That is lovely

It’s brilliant. It’s the soppy bit that’s helping me get though some bits.
Long my our friendship continue.

Birth mother will be recorded.

The initial registration will record OP and her husband as birth parents. Cameron and Mitchell would have to apply to court for a parental order to assume legal parental responsibility. The process would be scrutinised then, with both OP and prospective new parents providing statements and information to the court and a court appointed reporter who will also interview them both.

Yes.

To add, OP’s husband will also be interviewed and would have to consent, but from what she’s said it seems he will.

Out of interest, what would you do, OP, if your husband later withdrew his consent?

It’s a little late for him to do so this time but if he changes his mind then we don’t continue. All four need to be happy.

How long does the parental order process take?

So there is a period of time where you are the parents but the baby is with your friends

Is it processed before registering the name usually?

Yes an odd and nerve racking time for all. They’ll be worried I can just take baby (not happening) and I’ll be worried they’ll bring it back coz the nights are too hard or something (also a joke and doubtful!)
About six months.

I'm trying to word this so it's not seen as hurtful or barbed. I genuinely wish you a safe & healthy pregnancy.

But...
Altruistic surrogates are a rare breed indeed - and there's almost always a handsome price.
Do you disagree that altruistic surrogacy paves the way for women in poverty to be forced into it?