Im becoming a surrogate, AMA

[HotPotatoBlessMySoul]

Just had first transfer in hopes of becoming a surrogate for a friend.
Ask away.

Just to clarify, the sperm is from a donor and not from either of the intended fathers? So they will not be genetically related to the baby at all?
Did they explain why they wanted to go the surrogacy route and not the adoption route?
Did you not feel the need to ask?

I thought the whole point of surrogacy was to allow at least one of the intended parents to have a genetic link with the child, I have recently learned that it's not necessarily the case, and I am curious about why people choose surrogacy over adoption - it seems crazy to me.

Do you ever think about what life would be like for your husband and children in the unlikely event that you die or are severely disabled as a result of complications in pregnancy or childbirth?

Did you see the recent consultation on proposed changes to surrogacy law and if so do you have an opinion on it? No. I may go have bc a read

Apologies if I misled. One father is the sperm donor and it’s an unrelated egg.
I didn’t ask them about their choices. For all I know adoption failed for what ever reason and it was hurtful so they are trying this route.

It will be horrific if anything happens but I’m not saying it’s worth the risk because it’s not. I’m just being positive I won’t be a person or family that happens to. It’s so rare. I can’t give it too much head space. It’s very hard to articulate in a message.

I think this is a lovely thing you’re doing OP

I was told by the lawyer, the surrogates biggest fear is they are left with the baby and the ‘parents’ biggest fear is the surrogate won’t hand it over

I wish someone would insert a line here with the baby’s biggest wish. Keeping in mind fourth trimester. Not really a question just pondering it all.

OP you seem to have skipped my question about contracts not being enforceable in the UK.

You seem sure things will happen because it's in the contract. But if it's not enforceable then they can change their minds, or alter already agreed upon plans. Doesn't that worry you?

Sorry I’m not skipping intentionally. Hard to keep up.

Right it does, however it’s trust. Trust I won’t run off with baby trust they won’t take.
I’m aware it’s a hard one for many of you that we’ve got to be so trusting but as you say it’s not enforceable.

Thank you for answering my questions. Appreciated.

"One father is the sperm donor and it’s an unrelated egg."
I see, so there will be a genetic link for one of the fathers - that makes sense to me (it's only when there is none at all that I don't understand, but that is not relevant for your situation so perhaps we could save that argument discussion for another thread )

Hope you find the consultation interesting, sadly it's too late to contribute but you might be interested anyway.

I know what you mean about the risks and refusing to think about them - I'm like that too. One of my worst fears is dying too soon and leaving DS without a mother - you can't really think about it or you would go mad!

Best of luck to you.

Have you faced any emotional back and forth issues yet? When I was trying I would be all for it for a few months and then for a while I would start to doubt things and want to stop trying, and then I'd want to start again etc and I was wondering if you'd felt anything like that?
Is this something you will be telling everyone about, by doing things like posting bump photos on Facebook or statuses about midnight cravings, or will it be a if you see them and they ask Youll tell them kind of thing?
Are you a little worried about the midwives not being aware to take baby straight to it's fathers and handing it straight to you? I requested that baby was cleaned first but they handed her straight to me, which I didn't mind once it happened but it was a shock, and if you're saying that's when you started to get a real emotional attachment to your children how would you deal with holding baby before you're mentally prepared? And if you did get an emotional attachment/rush of motherly love do you still think you could hand the baby over and walk away?
I'd love to be a surrogate but I'm not emotionally or mentally strong enough to do it so I'm really in awe of you!

In the UK the law requires one of the intended parents to be genetically linked to the baby, so I was confused about the donor sperm! Thanks for clarifying OP.

Do you not care that you are going to be traumatising a newborn baby, who could possibly (probably) have a lifelong attachment disorder and poor mental health as a result?
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Possibly might probably be the important word there, maybe.
I like to be aware for the issue but focus on the positive, baby is going to a loving home. It’s going skin to skin with one of its parents straight away. Its going to bond with two lovely humans.

Don't know where yet came from, that's very presumptuous that you will! Sorry!

They only want one anyway.

So it it’s twins?

Well only one egg went it. It’s up to that egg if it splits. How we like most parents I’m sure twins would be a big shock but still very welcome.
Not much different really.

"In the UK the law requires one of the intended parents to be genetically linked to the baby"

The recent consultation proposes removing that requirement.

How we like most parents I’m sure twins would be a big shock but still very welcome.

Is that in your contract?

The recent consultation proposes removing that requirement.

That's appalling. I'm no fan of surrogacy anyway but this would be nothing more than legalising the sale of babies to unrelated adults.

Have you got a plan in place for your family should the worst happen in childbirth? I did for my own dc and and discussed this with my dh so genuine question.
Should the worst happen do you think that would sit ok with your family?

I doubt my death in any way would sit well with my family. Well I hope not any way.
I’ve mentioned the good insurance plan. My husband knows who to turn to for support with our children. I’ve a will being put in place and I hoping it’s all pointless.

I wish you the best OP and a healthy easy pregnancy and birth if it happens.
Surrogacy is complicated and I fully understand why people disagree with it. It’s not an approach I’d use personally. But it sounds like this baby will be very much loved and wanted and I’m not going to stand in judgement.

How does your husband feel about becoming both your carer and sole earner should you become disabled as a result of the birth?

Will your friends replace your lifetime of lost income?

How much, in total, will the expenses be?

If they split up whilst you are pregnant who will you give the baby to?

How longs a bit of sting really.

Which ever dad is in the delivery room. (Joking) legall it would go to the one whom it’s related to.

How longs a bit of sting really.

You referred to a recommended amount earlier- how much is that?

I’m glad you are not saying the exact amount you are being paid OP.
They only want to know to say either you are just doing it for the money or that a baby is worth more than that etc

No answer you give will be acceptable.

I’m out for this evening.
I need some sleep.
I’ve tried to answer in order (although may have got lost somewhere 🤷🏽‍♀️) I’ve not read ahead of what I’ve answered if that makes sense so If answers seem odd to the comments that’s maybe why.
I’ll return to my book mark when I can and carry on.

Thing is, the expenses will be whatever they are, so it’s going to be hard to put a figure on it at this stage. Loss of earnings, medical appointments, insurance, clothing, supplements, complementary therapies etc. but regardless, it will all have to be accounted for and checked over once the court comes to make the parental order.

Those talking about attachment disorder- where is your evidence for this? In the specific case of a neonate given immediate skin to skin, (perhaps with some of the surrogate's amniotic fluid passed on, perhaps with milk or colostrum provided), with the caregiver who then provides care 24/7 for the baby's first years of life, possibly who has also been playing his/her recorded voice to the bump for 9 months?

There are no such studies. No investigation of the difference in e.g. attachment of surrogate babies to men vs women, to their gestational birth mother vs their genetic egg-providing mother vs donor egg/surrogate/different woman providing care, impact of inducing lactation from the intended mother, etc etc.

As is always the case with discussions of attachment, there is wild overemphasis on some elements without looking at the overall picture.

It’s their choice to terminate if they aren’t happy with any of the Down’s syndrome etc testing.

What would happen if they wanted to terminate, but by then your hormones were so strong you didn't want to?

Possibly might probably be the important word there, maybe.
I like to be aware for the issue but focus on the positive, baby is going to a loving home. It’s going skin to skin with one of its parents straight away. Its going to bond with two lovely humans.

With that answer, are you deliberately missing the point because you don’t care due to the financial reward you will receive or do you simply not understand epigenetics, babies development in the womb and recognition of its mother, the fourth trimester, bonding, attachment disorder, emotional development etc etc etc??? If it’s the former shame on you if it’s the latter, I hope you get a negative test so you can read up on the above and reconsider the damage you are willing to inflict on another innocent human being.

ToooRevealing

Are you serious? There are no studies like that because they would be completely unethical due to the proven attachment theories.