I lost a child 23 years ago at Dunblane. AMA

[dunblanemum]

I have used this username a few times over the years but am a long time MN user.

I will answer any questions you have - apart from who my child was. I need a little privacy.

I am not doing this to whip up sympathy, i have made my peace with it. It is just in my mind today obviously and i know people i meet often have questions but feel embarrassed about asking. Ask away.

[Nicolamarlow1]

I am so sorry for your loss. I had a class of 6 year olds at that time and I can't imagine how devastating it must have been for you.

[MyBreadIsEggy]

dunblanemum
Thank you for answering so honestly and openly.

I hope one day I can get to that point too. But right now, I don’t think I’m quite ready for that. It kind of feels like the anger I bear towards them is the only control I have over the whole situation.

[DN37]

Gosh it's just so incredibly awful

There are to things that stick in my mind, I video footage of the lady in the red coat pushing a buggy running towards the school and the little girl Sophie that was being raised by her dad after her mother died of cancer, I've seen her dad talking on telly before and it breaks my heart when he says how he promised his wife before she died that he would look after Sophie

[JustBloodyCold]

OP, thank you so much for giving your time today.

My question is, what should you say to someone you care for who has just lost a loved one? And what should you not say?

[dunblanemum]

So sorry fopr you loss xx Do you think it is good when shows like Grerys Anatomy make ref to it?

No problem with this. It happened and is part of history.

[IDontLikeZombies]

So sorry for your loss, OP.
I was in 6th year at high school not too far from you when it happened. I had signed up to mentor some 1st years.I went down to see them at afternoon registration and the teacher let us all know what had happened. I remember very clearly the silence and looking at all their wee faces and wondering how someone could do such a thing.
No questions from me, just want to let you know I'm thinking of you.

[dunblanemum]

My question is, what should you say to someone you care for who has just lost a loved one? And what should you not say?

There is no right or wrong to this. Just make sure they know you are there for them. Do NOT say that you don't think you could cope with it because if it happens you bloody well just have to cope with it! People used to say stuff like that to us all the time.

[McFrostyNuts]

If you don't mind answering my question please.

What was the last thing you said and did before sending your child off to school?

I only ask because some mornings are very stressful, we're running late, my eldest is playing up, and sometimes I perhaps am not as affectionate with my goodbyes than I normally would be. I would be even more heartbroken if something happened and i hadn't said goodbye on good terms.

[user1457017537]

I will never forget that day. I cannot imagine what you went through. I didn’t sleep for 3 days I just couldn’t accept that it had happened. I have no words

[DailyMailFuckRightOff]

OP, thank you for opening yourself up to our questions. Every year I remember those who died and their families. Your strength and pragmatism are inspiring.

Do you mark this day each year? If so, what do you do?

I’ll be lighting a candle tonight and thinking of your child and her classmates, and of their teacher.

Thank you again.

[7Pip]

I'm very sorry that you had to go through this.

I didn't grow up in the UK, so don't recall this incident from the time, though am familiar with it since.

You should feel proud of their tremendous legacy of having gun laws changed. Their little lives have undoubtedly saved the lives of many others.

Since I'm not terribly familiar with the story, I have just now read about it on Wikipedia and watched the video Dunblane (knockin on heaven's door). As a complete stranger to the incident, I'm in tears. What is noticeably striking to me, as that each of the children, are exceptionally good-looking children! Remarkably so. As was their teacher.

I have a lot of questions, but some may not be appropriate.

How do you commemorate her at birthdays/today?
Would you have rathered he hadn't shot himself and faced justice instead?
Would you say you were over-protective with your younger two?
You say the police response at the time was a shambles. What do you mean by that?
Did you know the perpetrator prior to the incident?
Did you find out exactly how your little girl died? Or were those details part of the closed file?
As another person asked, are words of condolence irritating or comforting to you?
Did you require medical treatment (antidepressants/anxiety meds) after? You say counselling really helped. (I ask because I have experienced a traumatic event and required medication)
Do you accept what happened as fate, or do you feel it was a life cut short?
Did you watch the documentaries and/or read the 2 books since written?

Feel free to ignore any and all of the questions. Thank you for allowing us to ask.

[TheGirlWithAllTheFeathers]

I have never forgotten hearing the first reports coming in. I can't even begin to find the words. My most sincere sympathy for an outrageous loss.

[Hobbesmanc]

Awww. This brought a sudden unexpected tear to my eyes as I read some of your incredibly brave responses. I don't have a question either but I felt compelled just to send you a message of love and support xxx

[lurkingfromhome]

I am so terribly sorry.

I remember that day as though it were yesterday. So many little details. My biggest, most lasting memory is of getting the Glasgow-Edinburgh train to work every morning for the next week and everyone in my train compartment - young, old, rich, poor, from all walks of life - reading the newspapers and shedding tears together. All these strangers together just having a moment and sharing your grief. It was devastating. I'm so glad you've found peace.

[chnged4dis]

Did you already have DC3 when DC1 died? If not, had you always planned to have another or did you decide after? Asking as we're in a similar situation (natural causes though, not murder). We thought our family was complete, but losing one left a gaping hole, and we want another child...a sibling for our remaining DC and a full house again. People who haven't lost a child either say "go ahead it'll help you heal" or "No...you'll never replace the one you lost it'll affect the new DC as they'll feel second best"

FWIW I don't see it as replacement, but undoubtedly the place in our home (and maybe our hearts) only exists because of that loss.

[dunblanemum]

What was the last thing you said and did before sending your child off to school?

She was sulking about something (i really can't remember now why this was) and hiding behind the door when her childminder came to collect her. it was snowing and we were all running late and i think i was a bit grumpy. I recall strapping her into the car and saying goodbye and that is it. It was very normal family morning.

[7Pip]

And another question if I may.

What was your most pressing question(s) at the time and do you feel you received an adequate response(s). The reason I ask, is that I would have nothing but Why's and How's going around in my head.

Again, if my questions are inappropriate, please accept my apologies.

[Crockof]

I've read your daughter's name today and sent a prayer, I too remember so clearly. As a parent who has lost a child through natural causes I do admire how you have not given into anger.
Do you think that the perpetrators should not be named, often their name and picture gets more press coverage than the victims.

[Purplecatshopaholic]

I remember the day - I had just started my first job after Uni. A colleague took a call and suddenly bolted for the door, rushed to his car and drove off at speed. None of the rest of us knew what was going on at the time. Needless to say he lived in Dunblane and had a child at the school (who was fine, thankfully). Terrible event, and I know all of us wish you well OP. At least Scotland made changes as a result of that terrible incident - I feel so much for those in America

[7Pip]

Sorry, more questions.

What was your little girl like? Did she enjoy school? Did she love her teacher (as most little kids do)? What is your fondest memory of her?

[dunblanemum]

Did you already have DC3 when DC1 died? If not, had you always planned to have another or did you decide after? Asking as we're in a similar situation (natural causes though, not murder). We thought our family was complete, but losing one left a gaping hole, and we want another child...a sibling for our remaining DC and a full house again. People who haven't lost a child either say "go ahead it'll help you heal" or "No...you'll never replace the one you lost it'll affect the new DC as they'll feel second best"

No we had her after DD1 died. We only ever wanted 2 children and DH had had a vasectomy. I knew immediately that i wanted another child so he had the vasectomy reversed (a lovely doctor offered to do this privately and free for us and any other families who wanted it). I was lucky and became pregnant quickly. She is not, and has never been, a replacement child however i can see why people see it like that. I think it has been very difficult for her as she is aware of the circumstances around her birth and she knows had DD1 not died she would not be here. I think she has always felt a bit removed from the family but she is not one for talking about how she feels so it is hard to know for sure. All i can say is having another child does not take all the hurt and anguish away.

[Crockof]

@chnged4dis I've lost a child through natural causes and we tried but couldn't have another. It's not trying to replace, their is a place in your heart and mind which will be forever filled with the departed, but love encompasses everything and there is love for a new child.

[Camomila]

For you OP
I will light a candle on my windowsill tonight.

[LifeIsToughMate]

Place marking.

Op, stay strong. How did you manage to stay strong ? Im crying reading about this for the first time