I am the mother of a trans child ...AMA

[DoryNow]

But no bun fights please, I am not a trans activist.

Prawn -" It doesn't offend me, OP. But it does surprise me. I have two DC who have had serious health problems and when it's your own child going through this, that's exactly when it is vital to be dispassionate. Taking a particular 'side' seems unwise, especially when the stakes are as high as they are for your DC."

We all parent differently, good for you ,I hope your DC are now well.

"You say AMA but then respond badly to questions that don't wholeheartedly endorse you."

Well funny that considering you consider YOU are right and I am wrong

"You also made misleading claims about puberty blockers - of which you have no personal experience." In your opinion, I beg to differ. I did offer evidence to back up my opinjonbut you chose to ignore that.

" Perhaps this thread wasn't a great idea for you"

Actually I am still pleased I did it , you would have been pleased no doubt if i had flounced off. Sorry!

I dunno dory.

I kinda think how difficult it mus5 be for ur son. I know it’s ur story bu5 it’s him that has to live with it.
To be knowing that actually he has to tell ppl he might considering dating that he is not what he seems.
It must be so stressful for him and at 21 to have to Deal with that

It’s cool for u cos u got a family but how can he ?
At 21 we are different to how we are when we are 30.
Anyway meandering thoughts

ArcheryAnnie might seem melodramatic to you, but I was just stating how I felt. And yes I did and do feel attacked when questions were coming thick and fast and belittling my every word and opinion so I may have come across as overheated at times, guess what I am human!!

This was a thread about a personal experience and you have all made it very hard to talk about anything other than your Gender Critical stance which is not what this AMA was for. ( maybe start your own?)

I have acknowledged that there are valid concerns from your side of opinion but I am not allowed to have valid opinions from my side of the fence, despite having been through what I have because I am just plain wrong in your eyes.

I said upthread that I do not agree with violence of some trans activists, so why do you list the terrible things that they have done as if I should be grateful you haven't behaved the same??

We are obviously going to be on different sides of the divide on this, why can it not be possible to agree to disagree & leave it at that ?

littlebrowndog regarding my son dating, he will have to judge that minefield on an individual basis I guess. It is something we have discussed as obv as hs mum I worry about the risks of violence on coming out to a prospective partner. But I can't let that stop him doing what he wants to do.

As for having family, well families come in many different blends shapes and sizes these days, and if he meets the right person to share his life with they will work out how to create their own family together, if that is what they want.

Citylivingwithdogs well its been a lively one for sure thanks for sticking with it!

With the issue of dating could I ask you why you feel your son should not tell people straight away the situation so that they can make their own decision based on the true facts. I watched a Channel 4 programme where a trans man was trying to kiss a young woman who was clearly unaware that he was a trans man. She felt clearly violated when she realised the truth of the situation.

Busy boys mum I feel it is up to my son as to what he tells his dates when but I do feel honesty is the best policy, but that has to be balanced against his safety. He is a very thoughtful boy, I don’t think he’d be physical until he was sure it was acceptable.

OP - thank you for starting this thread and sharing your experiences. I wish you and your son happiness, tolerance and resilience. And good for you for rising above ideological attacks on the support you have given you son

I worry with trans kids about the effect of their environment. Right now, the accepted treatment is surgical/medical transition. In the past it was different. What do you think would have happened if your child had grown up in an environment where the approach to trans dysphoria was one of counselling to accept the body they had?

Thanks Ariadne 😃

TooExtra I don’t see it as one or the other, I have said up thread I think counselling is vital for the child and family from the outset & I got as much as I could for as long as I could for my son to try & tackle the dysphoria.

I said upthread that I do not agree with violence of some trans activists, so why do you list the terrible things that they have done as if I should be grateful you haven't behaved the same??

You have behaved like you are the object of terrible attacks from gender-crit feminists here, and yet you minimise and shrug off the attacks from TRAS, and claim a false equivalence, like the two sides are as bad as each other. They aren't. The transactivists threatening women aren't some mad fringe, they are the ones advising government, driving the agenda. This is going to affect your child, and I do really think you need to grasp that. I'm also pretty astonished that your stance seems to be just to stand on the sidelines saying "well, they've helped me", when you are told by LBGT+ people that an organisation is homophobic.

I think you've handled this with aplomb OP. And shame on some of the posters on here.

I don't know what I'd do exactly if my daughter told me she felt she was a man and wanted to transition. But I do know that I'd have no option but to support her, regardless of what my personal views on trans men and women might be. What else can you actually do as a parent? Cut them off completely?

I mean, all these really twatty, pushy questions at Dory. What the hell would YOU do if it was your child? I'd be really fascinated to know the answer to that. Putting all the politics aside, when it's your child you have no other option but to bloody well crack on with it.

Cherry all of us here would want to support our DCs. That's not the issue, here. What some of us have been pointing out is that there are lots of options, and that at least one of the organisations that the OP has (understandably, given the way this has been pushed in the public discourse) been taking advice from is pretty morally and scientifically dubious. That's essential to point out, so at least if other posters do go to that organisation, they are forewarned.

I disagree Archery. Op was posting to offer her own personal account. I couldn't give a shit about the politics of various organisations on this particular thread.

Medical transition for both sexes, but particularly for girls, is not a harmless or benign process. It creates permanent physical changes, including a very much higher chance of certain cancers. It sterilizes very young people and destroys or limits sexual function. These are massive lifelong burdens for a young person, burdens they may not even quantify for years.

Jazz Jennings, star of a reality show about a trans child, was dismayed to hear that, as puberty blockers had kept JJ's penis childlike, JJ didn't even have enough tissue for a neovagina to be created from penile inversion. The fact that JJ had no idea this could even happen is shocking. Why was JJ not warned? Then, during another episode, JJ was dismayed to realize that boys weren't interested in dating JJ because the boys saw JJ's sex rather than gender identity. Somehow JJ had absorbed a message that looking like a girl was the same as being one. I feel very sorry for JJ who appears to have been misled by those a young person should be able to trust.

Were it my DC, CherryChatsworth, i would go to any lengths to discourage any form of medicalized transition. Looking back at my own youth, had I been gender dysphoric in my teens I would have placed very little importance on preserving my fertility. I would hope the supposedly wiser heads of my parents and my doctors were looking out for these interests.

Same happened to Susie Green’s (founder of Mermaids) son. There’s a video of her (SG) laughing about this. Laughing about it. That her son’s micro penis is too small to create a neovagina.

That's not the issue, here

except that IS the issue as it's the OP's AMA about her lived experience.

If there's another poster out there who wants to write 'My child's transition was temporary AMA' they are free to do so.

You cannot seriously believe there's still thousands of Mums out there who need 'educating' surely? Most will have worked out the two sides of the argument consist of Mermaids versus Transgender Trend in a nutshell.

Oh couldn't agree more with discouragement. That'd be my starting point without a shadow of a doubt. More than discouragement - and I'm quite sure that the op didn't embrace this with open arms.

But what do you actually DO with an adult aged child who won't be discouraged? What would you do Prawn? Your child is going ahead and you've got no option but to support. I don't think pushing all these weird agendas helps on this particular thread. All some of you wish to do is de-rail

You have behaved like you are the object of terrible attacks from gender-crit feminists here

No like about it, there were posts which talked about showboating, glory-hunting and many inferred she had not acted in her son's best interests.

I would hope the supposedly wiser heads of my parents and my doctors were looking out for these interests

As a parent, you have control over your children until they are 18 years of age. At the age of 18, they become an adult.

Again...to those with children, please explain how you would convince an adult not to undergo transition if they still plan to despite your arguments, without ending up estranged from them?

Weird agendas? Preserving your DC's long term health, fertility and sexual function can hardly be called weird, CherryChatsworth. Were I in OP's shoes I would have followed the same path as another mother I know: steered well clear of Mermaids, with its propaganda and used everything in my power to persuade my DC to examine the medical evidence. I would have refused puberty blockers and read up on the long term effects of medical transition side by side with my DC.

I would go down the rabbit hole with my DC, looking at the many videos created by detransioners. Because the majority of children with gender dysphoria grow out of it. A higher proportion of women get breast cancer than gender dysphoric children continue with transition, but we don't medicate all women with anti cancer drugs.

Prawn, that's pretty much my issue with this and I could not in good conscience tell my DD that she can become a man, in say the same way her DF is a man because it isn't true. I worry that very vulnerable people are being set up for serious disappointment.

And then what would you have done Prawn? When you adult child wasn't having a bit of it? What would you do?

And I see you can't answer the question as to what you'd do once you'd explored all avenues.

And good for you for rising above ideological attacks on the support you have given you son

I think we all get that OP wants to support her son- -as do all parents?

However it’s not being mean to the OP to notice and comment that the support given is also from an entirely ideological perspective.

Any form of politics should be able to questioned.

Nobody’s saying she isn’t a lovely mum to her son and hasn’t massively cared and fought for what she feels her son needed.
But fact remains it’s all revolving around a particular ideology. One that is not supportive of LGB people or women in lots of ways.

Which is why I asked OP about emotional support and opportunity to discuss which OP said was severely lacking for them and difficult to access.

Talking further and exploring these issues over time before taking the medical and surgical route (an ideologically-informed approach to treatment for gender dysphoria) is absolutely vital. But that support is so limited or hardly made available as OP has said.

If people have other forms of body dysmorphia we don’t expect the NHS to rush to confirm those anxiety disorders medically and surgically- we encourage them to have a lot of therapy and talking and ensure they are eating healthily (say for anorexia)

Similarly through exploration of issues of young people who are worried about being gay - through professional emotional support we can explore why with them.
We should not be confirming the ideological message that it might be because they are ‘born in the wrong body’- ie actually they are straight but through some mix-up nobody can explain, they are in the wrong body.

Likewise many parents are particularly concerned about children and young people in this political climate because we have the perspective of age to know how much minds can change over time, due to life experience.

That’s all political positioning so all of it should be open to discussion.

Sorry I can see it’s hard for you OP to have this political discussion on here because your family have personally gone down a certain route. I wish the absolute best for you and your son and for everyone’s future happiness.

There's no need to be so aggressive, CherryChatsworth. I have only just noticed your reply. But I notice you appear to be very new here, so maybe it's just a misunderstanding.

I would continue being truthful. People cannot change sex and medical transition is both dangerous and, ime, very unlikely to lead to long term happiness. I would recommend vehemently against it while being very open about how much I loved my DC, regardless of their decisions about their health. But I would not be able to endorse medical transition.

I have two DC in their twenties. Both have had significant health problems, including serious MH issues for very different reasons. I still have a lot of influence over them, probably because I have done everything in my power to keep channels open. If your DC is determined to take permanent changes to their perfect healthy body at 18 perhaps their relationship to themself is not of the best. I could not endorse my DC destroying their fertility and would try to talk them out of it. Social transition is of no concern to me at all.