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AMA

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

I am the mother of a trans child ...AMA

390 replies

DoryNow · 13/08/2018 20:09

But no bun fights please, I am not a trans activist.

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 16/08/2018 15:38

"just leave me alone to answer questions where I can about our experiences."

That would be great.

When do you expect to get around to answering mine? Soon, I hope. Thank you.

DixieFlatline · 16/08/2018 15:39

For example the 80/20 stat you quoted has now been debunked as it was based on figures including gender questioining children also children who left the study were countes as having "detranistioned" where they were never started on that path.

There is a new study coming out from Australia suggesting the rate of detransition is much much lower closer to 4%, I have been looking for the link.

I don't know whether you're misunderstanding what you're reading, just generally confused, or what - but there is a difference between desisting and detransitioning. The poster isn't claiming 80% of kids 'detransition'.

DixieFlatline · 16/08/2018 15:42

When do you expect to get around to answering mine? Soon, I hope. Thank you.

I'm idly wondering whether any answer that could be given to explain the thinking behind 'my female child is male' would result in a backlash from some sub-group or other of trans activists.

Or whether the OP is aware there is nothing to back the statement up.

DoryNow · 16/08/2018 16:21

Apologies for the typos above !

Here is the link to the australian study.

growinguptransgender.com/2017/12/03/the-end-of-the-desistance-myth/

I empasise that it has not reached its full conclusion yet as it is a long term study, but the stats are very interesting and closer to the experience I have had and the families I have met.

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 16/08/2018 16:31

All I'm asking for is a little sensitivity, you don't need to agree with me, you don't need to understand, just leave me alone to answer questions where I can about our experiences.

You said at the start that in your DC's case Sadly it was too late for blockers, but testosterone was started.

So you haven't any personal experience of puberty blockers. However you brought them up in two further posts:

Children do not choose to make themselves infertile, if you are referring to blockers they merely pause the onset of puberty while allowing the child to socially transition and decide, with parental and medical support if this is truly the path they want to take.

And:

would I have started him on blockers if he were younger at the time, absolutely if that's what was right for HIM and we had all the latest research.

What you say about puberty blockers is inaccurate and I was very concerned that you were misinformed. I felt it was important that lurkers and other posters see the facts about these drugs. I therefore shared links & alternative views gently & quietly so that there is genuine alternative views, as you requested. I do not think you could read my remarks or links concerning these very nasty medications as any sort of attack, particularly given that i couldn't possibly be attacking you as your DC never took them.

However precisely because you have no personal experience, I think it's reasonable to be concerned when the parent of a trans child is promoting a false idea of the role of puberty blockers in this process. I don't doubt that you researched the treatment your DC had but you don't seem to have taken the same pains to look into puberty blockers. That's why I spoke of an agenda. Why else promote a treatment you know so little about?

Your remarks about suicide concern me too. There is no evidence that trans children are any more likely to kill themselves than their peers with MH issues. My DS1 spent a couple of years in his early teens struggling with suicidal ideation. It's not exclusive to trans children and surgery is not normally considered a proportionate response.

Any medical treatment of children that jeopardizes their fertility is weighed up very carefully. Doctors typically consider only life threatening conditions justify such a grave step. For this reason, suicide stats have been weaponised to promote medical transition, the 'better a live son than a dead daughter' approach.

However claims that unless a child or young person is medically transitioned they will kill themselves are unsupported by the evidence. The Tavistock reports only one suicide in a decade. The conduct of Mermaids in promoting false claims and very dodgy 'research' is shameful.

bourbonbabs · 16/08/2018 16:35

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DoryNow · 16/08/2018 16:35

Cote I will answer questions where I can & some I will choose not to answer, as you can appreciate they are coming thick & fast.

I am aware I have skipped a lot of questions and I have planned to re reaad the threas & see if there are any genuine quesions I can answer but I am not obligated to do so!

Dixie regardless of my typo the 80/20 dinosaur has been discredited for the reasons I stated but thanks for pointing it out to me I am rattling off answers far too quickly and typing is not my strongest point. Will take it more slowly Smile

oh and I have a son thanks I don't need to back it up, please stop being a GF, I am not a "trans activist" any more than you lot like being called "TERFS"

OP posts:
RiverTam · 16/08/2018 16:52

Might have guessed you’d call TT anti-trans. Says it all, really.

DoryNow · 16/08/2018 17:02

prawn i apologise if you feel I have misled you but I have said frequently in this thread that I have omitted some details for privacy and my knowledge of treatments for younger children is something I looked into extensively aspart of my general research and because I have friends with younger children.

I also did not discuss that my child was suicidal, although at times he said he felt thus, when at the height of dysphoria, he made it clear to his psyches that he would not act on it. It was never used as a bargaining tool.

I can't comment on Mermaids advice on this as it was not an area I sought advice on from them and they have always listened to my specific concerns & signposted me to further advice which has been most helpful.

i do not consider "blockers" evil although I had concerns at first but my son had a superb endocrinologist at his clinic who answered all our questions fully and frankly, even though it was not appropriate for my son.
In certain cases they can be very helpful but I found these articles useful should anyone care to have some more info with medical and endocrine details.

growinguptransgender.com/2018/08/14/dr-jo-olson-kennedy-on-puberty-blockers-and-hormones/

growinguptransgender.com/2018/03/28/ukrcpsych-endorses-harmful-watchful-waiting-approach-for-trans-children/

OP posts:
DoryNow · 16/08/2018 17:07

rivertam

"Might have guessed you’d call TT anti-trans. Says it all, really."

Not because I am against them per se. always good to hear another view. But their recent resource pack for schools was very ill informed and imbalanced see the link above - thanks

OP posts:
littlbrowndog · 16/08/2018 17:15

Hey dory
What will happen when ur son dates ?
Will he date guys or girls as must be a confusing thing for him

Thanks for telling us about how it affected ur family

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 16/08/2018 18:02

I'm surprised to hear you attack Transgender Trend as 'anti trans', DoryNow when their approach of watching and waiting is precisely what the NHS endorses. It is Mermaids that is out of step.

Rather than taking a dispassionate, evidence based approach to your child's health problems you seem to have adopted a highly political agenda - swallowing the Mermaids party line uncritically. Being concerned about the ethics and safety of child transition is not 'anti trans'.

When I read your comment that puberty blockers merely pause the onset of puberty I replied If this is your understanding, you have been gravely misled.

I then took pains to provide detailed information and links about the risks of puberty blockers and concerns over the ethics of their use on physically healthy children.

What startled me was your lack of a reaction to the information. It gave me the impression that what I was telling you didn't come as a surprise. A parent who had no idea how dangerous these drugs are would surely have responded with astonishment?

When questioned, very politely, on any of your posts and opinions, you speak of being hounded into silence when this is your thread and nothing could be further from the truth.

tabulahrasa · 16/08/2018 19:25

“The idea that anyone should have to go before a panel of strangers, most of whom have not the first clue about being trans, in order to get their birth certificate changed seems crazy to me”

Why? Given how hard it is to get anything on a birth certificate changed that is...

SnuggyBuggy · 16/08/2018 19:26

I don't see why birth certificates should be changed. It should be a factual document.

Sotiredallthetime · 16/08/2018 19:37

Why can't a birth certificate havd two fields

  1. Sex as the accurate biology of the baby.
  2. Gender as an optional field for those people who want to have one as an adult.

I don't believe in gender. I don't follow any of the expected rules.

I have a sex because of my biological body.

DoryNow · 16/08/2018 20:44

^Prawn*

"Rather than taking a dispassionate, evidence based approach to your child's health problems you seem to have adopted a highly political agenda - swallowing the Mermaids party line uncritically. Being concerned about the ethics and safety of child transition is not 'anti trans'."

When it is your own child going through this, it IS hard to be dispassionate, sorry if that offends you !

But at the time I DID seek many different views to enable us to consider all options Mermaids was merely one of them.

6 years ago when I was a quivering wreck trying to get my head round it all & the implications I spoke at length to a very kind Mermaids counsellor who listened, & listened & listened. She asked me what I wanted to know and gave me numerous outside sources of information. It was a much smaller service then, but I will always thank them for those early kimd words.

I have recommended them to many parents who have needed advice, with the proviso that it might not be for them, and hard as it might be for you to believe I have pointed some to here.

For you to say I was unconcerned about ethics & safety is both untrue & insulting.

OP posts:
DoryNow · 16/08/2018 20:48

littlebrowndog I imagine when he dates he will tell me aboout it just as much as any 21 year old discusses it with his mother, ie nada!! Grin

No actually something I learned from him is that his gender identity as a trans man has nothing to do with his sexuality. He will probably fancy whoever he fancies much the same as any boy, and as long as they are kind to him and he has fun that's all any parent wants.

Obviously I worry about it fron the safety angle but its up to him.

OP posts:
DoryNow · 16/08/2018 21:03

“The idea that anyone should have to go before a panel of strangers, most of whom have not the first clue about being trans, in order to get their birth certificate changed seems crazy to me”

Why? Given how hard it is to get anything on a birth certificate changed that is...

To clarify, having to go before a panel of strangers and discuss your intimate details which can be highly distressing and triggering apparently.

It is hard for anyone I agree.

OP posts:
Wildboar · 16/08/2018 21:10

Has your child had any side effects from the medications? Is so how do they cope with it?

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 16/08/2018 21:32

When it is your own child going through this, it IS hard to be dispassionate, sorry if that offends you.

It doesn't offend me, OP. But it does surprise me. I have two DC who have had serious health problems and when it's your own child going through this, that's exactly when it is vital to be dispassionate. Taking a particular 'side' seems unwise, especially when the stakes are as high as they are for your DC.

For you to say I was unconcerned about ethics & safety is both untrue & insulting.

I didn't say that all, and I'm sorry if that's how you interpreted my post. I said Being concerned about the ethics and safety of child transition is not 'anti trans'. My point was that you were interpreting questions and comments as being anti trans.

You say AMA but then respond badly to questions that don't wholeheartedly endorse you. You also made misleading claims about puberty blockers - of which you have no personal experience. Perhaps this thread wasn't a great idea for you.

tabulahrasa · 16/08/2018 21:53

“To clarify, having to go before a panel of strangers and discuss your intimate details which can be highly distressing and triggering apparently.”

That’s not standard though, it’s written evidence, unless you mean an appeal?

Citylivingwithdogs · 16/08/2018 22:32

Dear OP. I have no experience of anyone close to me feeling they want to change gender and have found your thread to be really informative. If I ever find myself in your position, I will, as you have done, do my very best to support my child to make their life as easy and happy as possible. I have complete respect for you and your son and your daughter, who you mentioned has been so supportive.
Please be assured, there are many people that empathise with your son’s challenges and would only judge him on the person he is and not on his decision to change gender. He is brave. I wish you all a happy future.

ArcheryAnnie · 16/08/2018 23:33

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littlbrowndog · 16/08/2018 23:45

But dory will he tell them that he hasn’t u know got a penis , erm hard to say cos it must be difficult and I don’t know really how to put it so I just said it
Cos when dating I dunno. I can’t imagine how it woul£ work out

Especially at 21 it’s when stuff gets a bi5 more intense
Like u out with mates go to pub and u see someone u really fancy

So I guess he would have to tell them straight up am not what I seem ?

littlbrowndog · 16/08/2018 23:52

Even if he want to date a guy or a girl he would still have to say I am not what I seem

Just thinking it throughhere

That must be so hard for a 21 yr old to have to think about