I’m in an open marriage AMA

[TigersEyes]

Or not! But if you have any questions, I’m happy to answer.

@CraftyGin, it all depends on timing and situation! Sometimes I eat with the children, sometimes I don’t. And yes, I enjoy ‘daytime’ activities with the people i’m dating. I’m out tonight, having dinner and then coming straight home.

An open marriage would not be for me, I know I would be far too jealous and couldn’t handle it. However, I can fully accept that, for some people, it works and I’m quite shocked at the level of some posters disapproval and small mindedness.

OP, I think you’ve answered my questions already but I just wanted to tell you that I think you sound very happy & secure, you’ve found a lifestyle that really suits you and nobody has the right to criticise that.

I don’t think it’s small-minded to wonder why someone who made marriage vows in front of friends and family has now ignored those vows to satisfy an urge to sleep with other people.

Most people would get divorced in that situation but obviously that could leave you financially disadvantaged.

But they’re only ignoring one small part of the vows. The rest still stand.

In general, the whole concept of marriage is very outdated, the world has changed and moved forward since those vows were first written, and thank goodness it has. Originally marriage was the union of one man and one woman but we’ve adapted to allow same sex marriage.

The OP and her DH have come to an arrangement that they’re both happy with, the OP has stated they’re always honest with new partners (and, afaics, that’s the only potentially dodgy area if a partner was expecting something exclusive) so why is it anyone else’s business. Fine for others to say it’s not for them, but not to judge.

people often seem more outraged by people keeping the "forever" part of the marriage vows than about the fidelity bit.

It is small-minded to wonder why a couple might decide to eschew one small part of the vows they made to each other, if their relationship together otherwise makes them happy, and - crucially - they don't want to break up.

People get divorced because they no longer love their partner, or can no longer live with them. They don't want them to be part of their day-to-day life. Or there are irreconcilable differences.

That's clearly not the case for the OP. It is small-minded to think they should just separate, because that's what people do when they want to have relationships with other people.

The OP and her DH don't want to separate. Why should they, if it's just to appease the sensibilities of people completely unconnected with them?

Exactly, Bran, you never see replies in the relationship threads along the lines of ‘well, you vowed to stay married forever so you can’t break that, it doesn’t matter if you’re miserable/he’s abusive etc etc.’

It is small-minded

I don't think it helps the discussion if you just insult other posters. All that happens is you lose credibility.

I'm not insulting - I'm disagreeing. That was the choice of phrase that poster used and I was contradicting it.

Just to clarify, I'm not the OP!
Safer sex agreements are crucial - though efforts to be responsible and have regular STI tests as recommended by the NHS get scuppered when other parts of the NHS say things like "if you're not a prostitute, we're not interested in testing you". My eldest is my stepchild, as we thought I was infertile and decided DH and partner having a baby would work for all of us. A friend who lives with two partners and has a toddler has often wondered how any family copes with fewer than 3 parents, and certainly all the health visitors I met were only concerned that I had support and didn't care exactly who the support was.

Special events - work out who is where when and if any of us are 'officially' making it an event with a partner. I have to admit that it helps that none of my partners are hung up on the calendar and celebrating things on the correct day, and all but DH detest Valentine's Day. DH did once ask his work if he could bring two women on the Christmas do, mainly as a wind-up. His boss replied the company paid for one partner per person, but when people pulled out decided some more women would improve the do so two of us went. I don't think anyone really noticed.

I wonder why the majority find anything other than a binary state of marriage being emotional and sexually exclusive to one partner to be the only way people should be and anything else abhorrent? @TigerEyes do you feel a lot of prejudice in society? What do people say to you? Who was the "counsellor who specialises in poly relationships"?

In general, the whole concept of marriage is very outdated, the world has changed and moved forward since those vows were first written, and thank goodness it has.

So why stay married then?

Op. I think the society we live in makes it very hard for people to understand when others do things different. We live linear but we are not linear. Life is round up and down. I think our biological roots mean we can love more than one person and many people go about it wrongly and damage relationships by cheating.

I am definitely not poly and I do have jealousy issues lol BUT I understand that how we live makes it hard to understand but I don't believe what you do is wrong at all.

i think its really brave for people to renegotiate the entire script of the fantasy monogamous heteronormative marriage that we are groomed into from an early age. There are many ways to relate to people, many ways to live our lives.

It will not be long before polygamous marriage is permitted in the UK. So what is marriage?

Parliament is debating polygamous marriage

I doubt thats going to go through tbh. Its hardly a massive movement.

I don’t think anyone is confused with the notion that monogamy doesn’t suit everyone.

But why continue in a marriage if everything about it is wrong for the way you now want to live your life? I would have thought it would be abhorrent to stay married if you hold the whole institution in such low regard. Be honest with yourself - if marriage is not for you, get divorced and sleep with whoever you like.

why get divorced if they both love each other and want to stay together.
Who and what would they be getting divorced for? For you?

You mentioned your dating 2 people and your dh is with someone else. How do you find time for relationships/work/children and each other?

Also have either of you had a relationship outside of your poly community?

I'm genuinely curious and don't mean to sound like an arse :)

Suburban, I cant speak for the OP as to why she decided to stay married. But she seems perfectly happy with her choice, so who are we to judge.

As for me, I do think marriage is an outdated, patriarchal concept that needs a complete overhaul. It’s barely changed for centuries when it was designed to effectively transfer the ownership of a female from father to husband and to control the population. I never wanted to get married because of this. However, I did eventually marry, because in the U.K. the legalities of marriage affords you certain rights that are otherwise very hard to obtain. I wanted children, I wanted them (and me) to be financially protected in case of death or divorce but I have no romantic concept of it. Am I making a mockery my vows too because I don’t really believe in them?

What is the average age of people in the poly community.

Is it a wide pool of people or so small that if a new member join there is a surge of interest towards that person.

Thank you for these questions, I will come back and answer more soon. But I did want to address the part regarding why I don’t get divorced. It’s because I don’t want to. I love him dearly. Also, being married provides a legal connection to my husband that I wouldn’t have otherwise. I’m really not sure what vows people think I’ve broken either.

So, whilst I understand the query, the answer really is very simple. We want to be married, not divorced.

Of course it is. Divorce / separation is for people who don't want to be together.

It’s not about what divorce is for.

It’s about what marriage is for. And in my view, what it isn’t for is to provide a legal safety net for someone who wants to have the security of marriage as well as the freedom to have sex with whoever catches their eye.

I think relationships aren't a one size fits all. As long as everyone is honest and happy. I'm a very insecure person and I couldn't have a poly relationship.
How would you deal with the possibility of your dh preferring one of his other relationships? Is there a possibility of him leaving you to live with the other relationship and you being the add on to the central relationship?
These questions reflect my personal view towards not sharing my dh!