I’m in an open marriage AMA

[TigersEyes]

Or not! But if you have any questions, I’m happy to answer.

@Justinonmybroomstick, by talking about it, trying to understand exactly what’s caused it. Because I don’t have a general jealousy about my DH being with someone else, so if jealousy arises, there’s a reason. I hope that makes sense!

Thanks OP, Im tried to understand it but it doesn't make sense. Not to me anyway. I think I would need an example of something you have dealt with in order to see how your approach works. I wouldn't nit pick anything you posted, Im genuinely interested in how you sort jealousy out.

To be honest though I don't know quite what to make of the whole thing but in particular I don't know what to make of what seems to be your flatness when replying. Granted it could be down to being comfortable with the decisions you've made and you're able to say all you want to say with pared down replies that very much come across as the official party line to an open marriage. But Im wondering if there's actually nothing left and its left you feeling as flat as your replies seem to me.

A few weeks ago we had a thread by a Female Free Mason and their replies came across just as yours do. In fact I found myself reading your replies in the 'voice' I'd given the Free Mason because their replies were in the same tone as yours.

Im sorry if anything Ive written is unacceptable.

This thread has been very interesting, but much more so for the comments from many posters, rather than the answers from the OP - no offence, OP!

A lot people taking the OP's life choice as a personal affront. A total insult. Amusing. And odd.

Interesting that quite a few people take umbrage on the basis that the OP is 'having her cake and eating it too'. That's kind of the point, surely. Why shouldn't she (and her DH) if they want to, and agree to? There's no law against it. There's no law against lying and cheating. At least this is upfront, and if that means people having their cake and eating it, so what?

Generally speaking, I don't think humans are very good at long-term monogamy, so if some people decide to opt out, what does it really matter to those who continue to practice it? No-one's making you do it.

Polyamory definitely wouldn't be for me (it's knackering just reading about it), but if consenting adults decide it's for them, then crack on.

I don't know what to make of what seems to be your flatness when replying.

That's your interpretation - I don't get any 'flatness' in the OP's replies at all.

That's your interpretation - I don't get any 'flatness' in the OP's replies at all

There you go then.

Generally speaking, I don't think humans are very good at long-term monogamy, so if some people decide to opt out, what does it really matter to those who continue to practice it? No-one's making you do it.

I'm sure this has been said numerous times up thread in many different phrasings, but yes, surely 'opting out' of monogamy only matters if it is hidden from partners, and one sided ie an affair. But that's cheating, not polyamory.

Well, yes ... the point being, if people wish to opt out of monogamy (by being polyamorous), then it's no skin off the nose of those who wish to continue being monogamous.

I also find this thread interesting and struggle with what the op writes.

As said previously there is a difference between being in love and loving someone. Being in love is normally the early part of a relationship, which then evolves to love, the first heady flush wears off.

The op tells us her marriage was struggling so they took this route. Fair enough, I think we all get that at some level. She doesn't know if it would have survived if they hadn't, again, understandable. I think we can all understand a marriage where both parties love each other, wish to stay together for convenience but seek altnerate romantic connections.

It's the fact she now tells us rhey are madly in love again. So by seeing other people they basically fell madly in love with each other again, they make each other very happy, they have a wonderful sex life and there is a competitiveness to her words when talking about the other woman that her husband is in love with.

The marriage is described in almost mills and boons terms. It's like a fairy tale it's so happy.

I don't know, but I can understand why people are questioning the reality of what's being posted.

I don't have any questions for the OP, because I am close friends with more than one couple who are open in their marriage or other relationship. But I do find it interesting to observe the active attempts to shame the OP into toeing the traditional line. For me personally, I do find that the requirement for monogamy is something that is so often shamed into a person from being condemned by society, rather than that person being allowed to choose freely the lifestyle they prefer. No wonder there are so many people wretchedly unhappy in their marriages.

‘A lot people taking the OP's life choice as a personal affront. A total insult. Amusing. And odd.’

I find this funny too. Lots of pearl clutchers.

I have been thinking about this quite a bit recently. Look at divorce rates, look at how many people stay in miserable marriages, look at how many people cheat. Maybe monogamy isn’t the be-all and end-all. People change so much over a lifetime. Is the person you marry at 25 still going to be the right person for you at 35? 65? What is so wrong with having several good, healthy relationships at once?

Some people wear their married status as a weird badge of honour. Like being committed to one person somehow makes them superior.

I think all that matter is that relationships are happy and healthy. Whether you get that from one person or several, what does it matter.

I think the people that are so offended by OP’s lifestyle should ask themselves why.

This thread is really interesting - lots of posters seeen to think that monogamy is a biological imperative rather than a societal construct. To all those who cannot compute how this works - it’s the way that many human societies worked before the church became so dominant in western culture and its the way that some societies around the world still operate (and no i’m not referring to to mysogynistic polygamous arrangements). Humans aren’t biologically driven to be monogamous - likely the opposite is true, as supported by the decline in marriage and prevalence of affairs. Monogamy is something we learn as a societal expectation, so if you adjust your exoectations it’s perfectly possible for it to work well.

The book ‘sex at dawn’ is an interesting read that examines the biological and cultural nature of human sexual relationships.

Thanks OP for this interesting thread

Id like to have this sort of relationship tbh, it sounds fun. I imagine poly communities arent huge outside of major cities though

and I also have the fear that the poly community might be like my limited experience of the fetish community in real life and online - awash with quite repulsive people and sleazebags

For those posters questioning the truth of what I’m saying, I can’t stop you. That’s your right. But what I’m saying is the truth. It’s my lived experience and I have absolutely no motivation to lie about it. I don’t read Mills and Boon books so I’m afraid I can’t comment on whether my marriage is typical of one you’d find in their pages.

Well done OP for bringing this subject to a forum.

It is usual to be judged for stepping outside of the conventional box and being unconventional and you have had a few posts showing that. However IME this is due to ignorance and fear on the part of those that judge and usually think that being open or poly is all about having multiple partners for sex. Which is not the case. I know poly people who are celibate/asexual.
Poly people have the ability to love more than one being and are able to be available emotionally for those people. Companionship, love, affection, friendship an a deep emotional connection come into a poly relationship as well, which people seem to either forget or are ignorant about.

Poly relationships are more common than people realise and I have noticed more older generation people feeling comfortable with the arrangement, certainly is conversations which I have had.
Admittedly they are single, but are happy stepping outside of the conventional type of 1-2-1 relationship whilst maintaining independence. In other words having multiple relationships with people of the opposite sex for intimacy and friendship.
I myself have friends and lovers, maintain my independence, I am quite happy to share my life with them and they likewise, whilst I am happy for them to share their lives with others.
It is not always about sex. Although when the time is right then being intimate with someone you love is natural.
I find people who adopt poly relationships very intelligent, they have considered it carefully and thought it through to the endth degree. They are strong emotionally, can and will end relationships that are not satisfying to either party.
As you know the conversations around poly relationships are very deep and meaningful, so that all parties are on the same page. It is never taken lightly by those who are serious.
I'm all for relationship anarchy. I believe we have been in the dark ages to long.

OP re being in love with two people or more at once. Would you liken the lack of understanding about it to the fear many of us had when pregnant with our second child that we'd never be able to love them as much as the first? Then they arrive and we do love them the same - somehow the heart can expand.

I've often wondered this (not in a poly relationship myself but around a fair few people over time who were). And I've then wondered if what's stopped this idea is simply social conditioning. Some people who would feel comfortable with poly lives don't consider it because they don't believe there's room for more than one romantic love at a time - obviously not everybody would feel that way nor want to, but some.

We don't challenge the idea of loving more than one parent, child, sibling or friend, yet we do when it comes to romantic love.

@SoaringSwallow, it’s a really good comparison, yes. I think we’re conditioned from an early age to look for ‘the one.’ I know it was my goal. And with that comes the idea that you can only be in love with one person at once. For some people, that’s possibly true. For me, it’s not. My love isn’t a pie with finite slices.

Can I just say thank you again for the supportive comments lots of you have posted? I honestly haven’t been upset by the negative ones (apart from when my DH was called a shit) but it’s been absolutely heart warming to read the positive ones.

Another poly parent here (finally managed to name change). I've found that after 20 years, people tend to shut up with the accusations that my husband and I aren't committed to each other. I've had another boyfriend (for want of a better term) for about 18 years and he was the best man at our wedding (at which we obviously didn't vow to forsake all others; if people wonder why we got married at all, please see all the MN threads on why cohabiting isn't the same - an insurance policy in case of death, mainly).

Kids know we have various friends who have sleepovers regularly, and treat them all as avuncular/auntie figures (many of course are just friends, so there's no need to define the differences between friends and relationships). Boyfriend's kids are adults now and have come out as straight and monogamous, and sometimes babysit my kids like I did years ago.

I do keep my other relationships quiet locally because people I know have had complaints to social services, but a few mum friends know. As far as the school goes, if you're a committed parent who is present, stably housed, supportive etc, they really couldn't care less. The kid with a new 'uncle' or two daily is their concern.

My parents were worried years ago but have seen us being decent parents and have got used to it. And as someone upthread mentioned, we still only have 24 hours a day, work, kids, etc - it's not like anyone's getting that much sex... A much more common conversation is "you want to go see thatband/film/go camping? Why don't you take your other partner?" Much more like a large extended family or the village to raise a child theory, than orgies every weekend. Maybe when the kids grow up and move out...

I’m curious about the practicalities.

Do you have supper with your DH and DCs at home, and then head out in the evening? Are you at home for DCs getting up in the morning?

How often are you with your other partners? Do you do daytime activities (ie no sex) with them?

Where do you find the time and energy?

Back before I had kids, I'd go to bf's house a night a week, sometimes more, and maybe a weekend a month. Then once I had a baby it was him coming to ours, and his teens sometimes coming over if they wanted. So I'm always home with my kids in the morning and usually see them before bed (half the times I don't would be work rather than pleasure). We've often been on group holidays (my partners, their other partners, a couple of their partners who are basically just my friends), and obviously again since various of us had kids, those have been like any other family group holiday - back when we went with friends on holidays pre-children, it was a lot of filth!

About half my poly friends decided to settle down in couples, often but not always if they wanted kids, most of the rest of us are in stable partnerships with the odd shagging a friend. Husband had a period of getting together with people that didn't work long-term but has chosen much better people over time. We've figured that other partners moving in with us now would be too awkward, though 15 years ago we tried looking for a house with bf and his family - given commutes to work and space required, it would mean finding a 9-bed house in London zone 1,so that didn't happen.

Really, it's remarkably boring, but increases the chances of a cup of tea in the morning, someone having energy to deal with a child's issue, and means a lot of monogamous anxiety doesn't exist. Actually the most practical benefit is if we've had friends over and then it would be nice for them to stay overnight - sharing beds is only a problem if someone snores, and again it's not like anyone's getting sex in most cases, just that chatting and effectively me having a sleepover with a friend isn't a problem.
DH and I do have separate rooms, because we can - and he does snore terribly!

I am finding the talk about social conditioning particularly interesting.

I always wondered whether I was a bit weird and unusual in my views on this. I have had various close and emotionally intimate relationships over the years, which still leave a mark after they end physically. The boy I loved at 21 years old is now grown and married, but I still love him, even though I haven't seen him for years, and am grown and happily married myself.

It doesn't make my love or commitment to my husband any less.

Next step on from that is the situation where I meet a man, we get on and have a connection. I could easily fall in love with him, whilst still loving and being committed to my husband.

My husband feels exactly the same, and he says he thinks it is because he feels so secure in our relationship that he can feel this. Unlike most of his friends/work colleagues/aquaintences who would happily leap into an affair if they felt they would get away from it.

Refreshing thread, OP, thank you.

What's the point of staying together if you can separate and do your own things?

I think they stay together because they want to be together OneCute. I reckon that's probably it.

Not sure if this has been asked already...
Who was the first out of you to meet someone else and was that?