I’m in an open marriage AMA

[TigersEyes]

Or not! But if you have any questions, I’m happy to answer.

*find. I apologise for my typos.

@bluntness100, yes the spouse has been there on occasion. I apologise for not answering that part before. Sometimes they have been and sometimes not.

@ChipsAndMoreChips, some people actually enjoy being unicorns so that definitely can be fun.

@villageshop, we didn’t actually date outside our marriage before we found the poly community, but we were lucky to find people very early on. I’m still friendly with all my exes. And yes, it can definitely be about a bond separate from sex.

OP I think I am saying that - on the basis that you're in your 40s, you have referred to "Children" (so more than one) who live at home, to the fact that you are currently dating 2 men and your H has at least 1 other partner, I'm sorry but there's just no way that your lifestyle (in terms of simple logistics / how much time you spend as a family) doesn't impact on the family dynamic. Most people with a job and children living at home don't feel like they have enough hours in the day for house keeping / homework / bedtime if LITTLE or chatting with teenagers / taxi-ing of kids etc etc - it's a genuine question how you do all of that, and have quality time as a family if your H is off talking to / spending time with his other partner and you are dating 2 other men.

Namechanged
I suppose it's no different from someone having an affair in the amount of time they spend away from their dc and dp.
I've heard the same said about people who have affairs:
How did they find the time?

I just wanted to say that I have a friend who was brought up in an open marriage and he was completely destroyed by it. He is now 35 and is very honest about telling people that he has had to have years of therapy to try to get over his upbringing. The parents did it 'respectfully' but the knowledge that they were with others totally screwed him up to this day.

Can I just ask (trying to say this politely as much as I can) after the menopause my libido disappeared, (complete vaginal dryness etc, certainly don't want sex anymore despite HRT). How do you think it would affect you and your DH if he was getting partners and you weren't?

Hi Op- thanks for your honesty, interesting thread

How long has your marriage been open?
Have you met the woman he’s in love with?

I've mainly read this thread to continue being impressed with your patience OP! I believe the topic is ask me anything, and you made the subject pretty clear. Some desparate straws being clutched at in the armchair psychology of your claims to happiness - if I were to try some of my own I'd say your lifestyle scares some people, whose relationships may not survive the removal of obligation.

Fwiw, I think you've been very detailed and open, it sounds like it works great for you guys. I'd be tempted to try it myself except being pregnant and with a 1yo, it's hard to find time for my one relationship!

@TigersEyes thanks for answering my question! Living for today, and not worrying about what may or may not happen in the future seems a very healthy approach!

I wish you all the best x

Thanks for an interesting thread!

I have a question about confidentiality and emotional connection.

Would you talk to your husband about relationship problems you were having with your other partners? Or vice versa (would you tell them about problems with him?)

Or vice vice versa would he tell you about his partners or them about you?

I don't necessarily mean big problems, perhaps just concerns or decisions. I think talking over things with my DH is a major cornerstone of our relationship. he does talk about "our stuff" with his close friends a bit (as do I) but I think i would feel differently about it if they were also intimate partners... Not sure why!

Also do you ever ask him and others partners about the same things to get different perspectives? And is it useful?

I’m not sure if my earlier questions were upsetting or offensive (if so I am sorry) or if you missed them in the huge amount of posts - anyway I have one more ;) do your non poly friends know you are poly? Like your old uni mates, school mums, work colleagues etc? If so what do you think?

I just want to say I had a friend brought up in a monogamous marriage and he was totally fucked up by it....

Oh that's just one experience and depends on the people, the situation, the parents.

Well done OP on remaining patient. Your lifestyle is not for me but it obviously works for you. Interesting thread that makes you think.

@Belindabauer I think finding the time for an affair is very different. It may not be both partners at the same time (usually only one spouse having the affair) and quite often stem from work relationships / usual social circles so the groundwork if you like is part of everyday life, it's not too much of a leap to find the time to go to The final step.

With this set up, I expect the OP and her husband don't date colleagues or family friends, so there are 3 extra relationships (not just 1 like an affair), that take time & emotional commitment, and therefore take the OP and her H away from the family unit.

What an interesting thread!

So glad it’s making you happy - there are so many miserable marriage threads on MN.

Do you have more or less sex with your DH now or about the same? Do you feel more in love with him now?

When you are in love with someone else, do you pine for that person all the time or can you focus on your DH when you’re with him?

Really interesting!

How long is each of your longest relationships?

I find this really interesting too. DH and I have discussed this ourselves, and theoretically wouldn't have a problem with an open marriage. To some extent we have one on an emotional level.

DH and I have always been very open and honest about fancying other people, and he falls in love very easily. I can read him like a book, so no way could he hide it.

I currently have a massive crush on someone, unlikely to act on it, but you never know. DH knows and, again, no problem.

It's never been an issue in our marriage, we are very close and I think the honesty just adds to that. You absolutely can be committed to your spouse, but still fall in love and, if you choose to take it further, with another person, provided that you are both honest and comfortable with this.

ratrolypoly that's the comparison I was thinking of. We accept that people can love children, siblings, parents, friends, simultaneously and in different ways, so why is so different to love a husband and a partner?

OP my immediate thought was 'how do you find the time?" But then I figured that plenty of people have time consuming hobbies and families, so I guess the answer would be: the same way anyone finds time for something they prioritise.

I was really interested to hear that you went to a specialist counsellor. What kind of things did you discuss? It seems to me that plenty of couples embarking on life changing decisions (children, moving abroad) think about it a lot less than you thought about this.

If any other posters are interested in the subject, both Offbeat Home and Ravishly frequently have posts from poly contributors. I find it interesting to hear how people live their lives, and to consider what positives I could take from that for my own life (in this instance, honesty and communication).

Thanks for answering my question OP, this thread has been fascinating. I'm glad that you're happy and your marriage is thriving. Congrats for handling the rude comments on here with such grace and restraint. Wishing you luck for the future :)

What’s the difference between being in an open marriage and being swingers?

To ‘date’ other people I assume means having sex with them? Or do you go away on holidays, do for meals, go to the cinema etc with two different me. And your husband? It sounds completely exhausting.

@BakedBeans47, your questions weren’t offensive at all, no questions are. I just missed them, but I welcome them, so thank you.

I don’t rank my partners, sexually. I have different times with each one. Sometimes it’s earth shattering, sometimes not! I’ve not yet encountered anyone who feels like a sex god :D And sex with my husband is consistently wonderful. I am very upfront about asking for what I want and need, so that helps.

And I really can’t say how I would feel about a hypothetical future. I expect I’d have a very complicated and normal human reaction to what you describe.

@Moononthehill28, thank you for your questions. I’ve answered them upthread. I’m not exhausted in the slightest.

@BakedBeans47, sorry, I still missed your other question! Some friends and family know and some don’t. Those who do generally just want to make sure we’re not hurting each other. Once they realise we’re not and we’re the same people they’ve always known, they accept it and support us without exception.