I’m in an open marriage AMA

[TigersEyes]

Or not! But if you have any questions, I’m happy to answer.

fox Do you never do any hobbies or socialise with anyone other than your spouse? Family and children presumably, but have you no friends? In many ways partners are just close friends who I might happen to have sex with sometimes. Like a hobby.

wheely - roughly, DH went out with a nice lass who went abroad for a year. I met her when she returned and went out with her, until she went abroad again. I got together with DH, she returned, and it seemed like the obvious solution, until she left again and found a monogamous chap.
I can't really remember what happened after that but now-DH and I had to live in separate cities for a few years, so decided we didn't have a problem with the odd fling etc if the person knew about us as a couple. A girl once tried to split me and him up, and failed dismally.

Thanks for replying OP.

I also think the op and her husband stay together because rhey want to.

My struggle is the fact they fell back "madly in love" after choosing this route purely because rhe marriage was in trouble. The op is very snippy when you understandably question this, she makes her husband very happy. They are madly in love, their sex life is wonderful, she makes her husband just as happy as the woman he is in love with, and any questions on this are met with defensiveness, agitation and dismiveness...which in itself is very telling.

It would seem snippiness is in the eye of the beholder. The OP has responded as honestly as she can despite the rudeness of some posters.

Just because you don't want that lifestyle doesn't make it wrong, just different.

I actually don't think it's wrong. I totally get it.

I do question the honesty of rhe op though on terms of the whole "madly In love" thing.

I don't think it's rude to question that.

Interesting thread OP. I apologise if this has been asked before and I've missed it - how do you think you and your husband would deal with an unexpected pregnancy with another of his partners? I presumed it's something you would have discussed before entering into your arrangement?

I don't think it's rude to question that.

Though it would seem that several of us do think it’s rude to question that repeatedly

It’s also rude to tell the OP that you think she’s being dishonest because you don't like her choices, or to make inferences about the OP’s relationship, or to cast aspersions on her responses and ‘tone’ that the rest of us simply aren’t seeing, just because it suits your narrative.

Yes, I’d say that was rude. And judgemental. And unkind.

I’d also suggest that if you aren't able/willing to participate in the thread in the spirit in which it’s intended, you might be better off on a different one.

Really interesting thread - thank you. I think you've been very patient with some poster on here.

I'm not really sure how often I need to say it, or in what language, clearly English isn't your first language. I've no issue with her choices and I get it, totally.

I just don't get the "we chose this route because our marriage was in trouble, now we are madly in love again" rhetoric.

If you think that's rude, then go you. I don't. I think you're rude in your attacks.. I guess we need to agree to disagree, 🤷‍♀️

Name changed since posting earlier in the thread.

I am heartened to see I'm not the only one who believes that monogamous marriage and the traditional family structure is a societal construct designed centuries ago by the Church to keep women and the illiterate in their place.

Truly, I believe the potential for human love is boundless and the way society is structured makes it almost impossible for any of us to reach the potential within each of us for intense connections with multiple people. I don't mean sexual, though some of the connections may well be sexual.

The judgements of some in this thread just highlight the effectiveness of the societal construct put in place centuries ago.

Other posts highlight the potential we have - for intense connections, deep empathy and love for our fellow human beings - simmering beneath our uptight little lives. We just need permission, it seems.

I wish I was brave enough. Instead, I tolerate shallow and inconsequential friendships yet I know there is so much more I could experience, but I don't dare.

I love easily, and in the normal world have often felt at risk of making an idiot of myself for my strong feelings. Over time I have learnt not to expect intimacy from friendships because it seems my friends don't share the same need as me for that degree of closeness.

An aside: To me, gender is irrelevant, it's the person I fall for but there's no place for those sorts of friendships in the world I live in. That makes me lonely and sad at the waste of potential.

TigersEyes - Again, thank you for opening up this vast and worthwhile topic.

Bluntness

Maybe there is a vocabulary disconnect going on here? You are defining "in love" differently than I do. I have been in a monogamous relationship with my husband for 15 years. That first flush of mad, stomach fluttering passion has faded a bit, but I reject the idea that that somehow means we are no longer in love.

I just don't get the "we chose this route because our marriage was in trouble, now we are madly in love again" rhetoric.

Thats fair enough. You don’t have to get it. And the OP doesn’t have to explain it to you. But it’s rather tedious for us all that you keep labouring your point. If you don’t like it just move on - there are plenty more threads out there.

Whilst it in itself may not be rude, all of the previous things I pointed out, such as accusing the OP of dishonesty or casting aspersions in her choices were certainly not in the spirit of the thread. If you feel that me pointing that out constitutes an ‘attack’ Feel free to report

Possibly. For me, In love is the first flush, the can't keep your hands off each other stage, which then evolves to love, which is deeper, more meaningful, but less demanding and obsessive.

I think though that's the common and dictionary type definition.

I'd say I love my husband, I'm no longer in love with him. And him the same for me. After 29 years together, it would be very odd if we were still in love and couldn't keep our hands off each other, and more normal that we loved each other and it had evolved to something deeper.

And the OP doesn’t have to explain it to you. But it’s rather tedious for us all that

Why can you not just give an opinion that's yours? Why do uou have to back it up with others feel the same in every comment,

Have some balls and stand by your thoughts. You lose crediblity if every time you post you try to garner the collective thoughts of mumsnet to back you up

If you haven't got the balls to take the discussion with me and stand by your views, I,m not interested.

@Bluntness100 You wrote After 29 years together, it would be very odd if we were still in love and couldn't keep our hands off each other, and more normal that we loved each other and it had evolved to something deeper

What is normal? What evidence do you have to support such an erroneous and sweeping judgement?

I got married in the 1970s and find it both sad and hilarious that you think it 'very odd' that we are still in love and can't keep our hands off each other.

Ok, you've been together nearly fifty years and are still madly in love and can't keep your hands off each other. My view is that's great at knocking on seventy, but not common. But good for you. Honestly. Good for you.

I'm in my early 60s.

Would you consider yourselves to be confident people?

Are your "partners" similar or very different to your DH?

Do you and your DH compare notes?

Hi op
So is your DH in love with you too? Does it worry you that he might be more in love with someone else and that he might leave you for her? And are you truly happy? I kind of get having the open relationship and having sex with someone else thing. But the being in love with someone else outside the marriage I would struggle with. What does being in love with someone else mean to him? And to you, when you were in love with someone else?

Is your relationship with your husband more important to you than your relationship with others (and the same for him)?
Do you try to spend equal amounts of time/resources in the relationship with your dh as you do with others, or do you have more 'relationship' time with your dh? ? Does he do the same and is it equal for both of you?

Have some balls and stand by your thoughts. You lose crediblity if every time you post you try to garner the collective thoughts of mumsnet to back you up
If you haven't got the balls to take the discussion with me and stand by your views, I,m not interested.

Apologies - I assumed that you could infer that as I wrote the post it was my point of view. As it apparently needs spelling out to you: my posts represent my own views.

And whilst it may not be the ‘collective thoughts of mumsnet’ (As I don’t believe and am not infering that all mumsnet posters have a single viewpoint), there are certainly a number of posters on this thread who have also commented on your rudeness, judgemental and snippy attitude to the OP. So I don’t think my use of ‘we’ is entirely unreasonable.

As to whether you think i’m credible or not, I fully expect you’ll judge me in whatever negative light suits your narrative...

Tigerseyes

How does it work for significant events (birthdays, weddings etc) do you and your DH go as a ‘couple’ or would either of you bring a partner? Are the partners primarily for a sexual relationship or do they also fulfil other aspects of the relationship, and if so how is that perceived by family/friends?

@Ventiamore, I won’t lie, yes my relationship with my husband is more important in very many ways. We’re parents, we have a long history, we share a home and finances. A lot of poly people think this kind of hierarchy is terrible. I hope that I’m a considerate partner to the other people I date, but I make it very clear from the beginning where my priorities lie.

@Noqont, yes my husband is in love with me too. What does ‘in love’ mean to me? That’s hard to define. But I have people I like, people I’m fond of, people I love and people I’m in love with (though only one at the moment.) I honestly can’t say in words what love means to me. Again, I don’t mean to be evasive, it’s just so hard to describe.

And no, I don’t worry much. If my situation changes then I’ll deal with it but I really don’t want to live my life in fear of any hypothetical things that might happen in the future.

@Noqont, and yes. I really am very happy.