Was the OW now the DW - AMA

[Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit]

I was the OW now the DW so AMA if you’re interested.

Exactly Umpteen. Well said.

A lot of people on here are massively projecting their feelings about their own situations onto OP.

My DM and the ex-wife are friends, we've all had Christmas together in previous years. His ex-wife at one point moved to Canada and we all visited for two weeks.

And the ex-wife knows that your stepfather cheated on her with your mother?

I'm not sure what is more fucked up, going on holiday with your ex and the woman he cheated on you with - or going on holiday with someone whom you've lied to about such a big thing.

Of course people fall in love when they shouldn't, but there's no reason not to end a relationship before starting another.

Like it or not chances are he lied to you just as easily as he lied to his wife.

Like it or not if his marriage was as unhappy as he's claimed to you

A there'd have been other symptoms which sound unlikely
B he'd likely have left her before he met you and CERTAINLY would have left more easily once he HAD met you. Especially if you were the great love of his life you claim to be.

I've also got friends now in their 30's & 40's that were the children of the earlier marriage. They've certainly had trust issues, mental health difficulties, difficulty being faithful themselves, maintaining friendships... Those marriages broke up when they were in their teens. So the effects certainly lasted more than 5 years for them.

Our situations may not be directly comparable in some ways. But don't kid yourself that just because he sees his child regularly that he didn't abandon her, he did at least emotionally, and in terms of no longer living with her, do you think that she doesn't/won't in the future question why he couldn't be faithful to her mother for HER sake, question why YOU thought it remotely OK to have an affair with someone who was not only a husband but a FATHER too? question if you even wanted her around at all...? Why are you assuming dsd doesn't already know about the affair? Kids aren't stupid. BUT if that's true it rather contradicts your claim of its having no effect on her, if she doesn't know how can it? The affair side I mean. The divorce will still have had an effect.

Did he leave or did she kick him out?

Digitally it MAY be true in your case but I think it more likely they don't want to hurt your feelings, as you are not the guilty party.

There are marriages resulting from affairs which succeed (more don't, the more often you've been married the more likely you are to divorce again), but in this case the op has already said he was repeatedly unfaithful in his earlier marriage, that strongly indicates he struggles to stay faithful so unfortunately for ALL the children involved I think this marriage is unlikely to be one of them.

@ObjectionSir

Yes, she knew. They were having an unhappy marriage and so she concluded it wasn't really about the affair...they'd had an unhappy marriage before the affair, that was just the last thing.

There was no reason for her to be bitter about it, from her perspective it was the end of a marriage between two people who were really pretty unsuited, my stepfather was really getting on her nerves as they weren't well suited so she wasn't too bothered about the relationship ending. My DM always stuck up for her side to my stepfather when it came to arguments they'd have about their DS.

Everyone gets on well.

@ObjectionSir

I actually agree with you about there being no reason not to leave a relationship without starting another. What I don't understand is why people therefore put a lot of blame on the OW rather than the married man.

My DM was single.

If my DH cheated with a married man I wouldn't blame the OW; it would be his betrayal of our wedding vows and his alone (assuming the OW isn't a friend or family member of course).

My DM always stuck up for her side to my stepfather when it came to arguments they'd have about their DS.

Everyone gets on well

Oh wow! The irony

If my DH cheated with a married man I wouldn't blame the OW; it would be his betrayal of our wedding vows and his alone (assuming the OW isn't a friend or family member of course).

^ No idea what happened there! Meant to say:

If my DH cheated I wouldn't blame the OW; it would be his betrayal of our wedding vows and his alone (assuming the OW isn't a friend or family member of course).

Everyone got on socially very well. There would be occasional arguments/discussions between stepfather and his ex-wife about their DS but nothing more than a passing argument...

I don't mean a 'proper falling out' more a 'debate about the best way to deal with something'. My Stepfather is a pain in the arse...I can completely understand why she wasn't bothered about him leaving!

They argued much less apart than they did when married to each other!

You obviously just don't want to believe that there's any other ending to the story of an affair...I'm sorry, but it is.

Stepfather and DM are happily married after 20+ years.

Ex-wife is happily married to a man who is almost the exact opposite personality of my stepfather.

We spent two Christmases together, ex-wife took me to EuroDisney along with her DS (my stepbrother), I visited her in Canada for two weeks and another year we all visited for two weeks. DM and ex-wife were friends and would meet for coffee quite often and bonded over shared dislike of stepfather's mother (she is quite the horrible MiL).

And I am not saying that ALL affair couples live happily ever after but just that SOME do. There are so many simplistic comments on here. That all serial cheaters stay that way etc.

People change for better or for worse. There iS a script for married affairs but some really do have sexless marriages!

Sometimes people are in sexless and unhappy marriages and meet someone else. Yes in theory they should end the first - I don't know how long my parents affair was before they left to be honest.

IMO there are only three reasons OW post this sort of thread on MN (and it does happen often)

1. Some weird, fucked up form of self-punishment. Everyone knows the responses these threads get.

2. They aren't done defending themselves about it all but everyone in their lives has moved on and don't really give a shit anymore.

3. The chance to relive all the excitement and feelings of being special and chosen over another woman because actually, without all of that their relationships are like everyone elses. I imagine they secretly struggle with that a lot.

Sad, defensive or boastful none of them ever appear content.

Or (4) because they've seen the ridiculous bitter posts from some MN users and thought they could have a reasonable conversation about it but under-estimated how much people project on to these threads.

Why would they think it's a topic for reasonable conversation on a place like MN? Be serious now, it's never going to happen.

And for the record, there is no bitterness here. I have been with my husband affair free for 12 years, no cheating exes before that.

OP is there an age gap or are you similar in age?

Umpteen my life is completely up in the air right now because of my cheating husband. Do I care much about the OW- no. It was his broken promise. BUT its fucking up my kids lives and if his OW ever dares suggest she thinks of them as her own I will explode in more bitterness than anyone on mumsnet can imagine.
The bitterness is not unreasonable.

@Bob - oh god another cliche that ‘OW’ have low self esteem. I find that insulting to those that actually do suffer from low self esteem. I however do not.

@Luna - I have given plenty of ‘insight’ what more could you want? I have said multiple times I felt guilty.

@Ophelia - Have you actually read my previous responses, I take it you haven’t as your comment makes no sense whatsoever.

@digitally - some posters find it hard to comprehend that my DH and I are happily married and that I love/adore my DSD. You see they would much rather I was the wicked step mum in an unhappy marriage.

@Umpteen - Well said. I definitely agree with you. I get on very well with my DH ex wife she is lovely and is happy that her daughter has a stepmom who loves her.

@Graphista - my DSD lives primarily with us. Why would we tell a young child we had an affair. There is no reason to do so. Like I say if we ever need to tell her it will be a conversation between my DH, DSD, DSD mum and me.

She moved out.

@Ignoria - umpteen answered that for me.

@Rose - he is in his 40’s and I am late 20’s

Posts from women on this thread are neither ridiculous or bitter Umpteen. They are a reflection of common decency and a good moral compass. Most of us would not dream of having done what the OP has done. I don't know why the OP has chosen to post this thread or whether she gets some kind of sick thrill in flaunting her relationship when she should be hanging her head in abject shame. Irrespective of her reasons, nobody on this thread will offer her the moral validation she so clearly craves because nobody here will condone her actions or that of her husband.

How long have you been together/ married OP?

Late 20s....
That'll be why then.
Wait till ur 40 and your body has gone.
Counting down.........

Smug as fuck. Just wait

Not a truthful answer though.

You didn't think for a second this thread would be a nice, reasonable discussion.

You knew exactly how it would end up.

I also now think your husband is even more of a creep. Having sex at work with a colleague 2 decades his junior. What a sleaze.

"Posts from women on this thread are neither ridiculous or bitter Umpteen. They are a reflection of common decency and a good moral compass" exactly - thank you.

Dsd is a young child so I'm guessing under 10, he had another long term
affair during her lifetime - so less than 10 years ago. You've been together I reckon 3-5 years so quite possibly got together not very long after the last affair. He doesn't hang about does he! How can you be at all sure he's taken any real space for himself to actually know what he wants?

Also older man younger woman, cliché. And I'm guessing still attractive in terms of not really suffering any of the effects of ageing... How old were his other affair partners? How old is ex wife?

She moved out, so are you living in what was the marital home?

I'm sure I'm not the only one wondering the exact terms of the divorce either, and being suspicious of your claim that she did 'very well' out of it - given it sounds like she lost her husband, her child for half the week, her home, her peace of mind, probably not doing as well financially as she would have been had they stayed together...