Was the OW now the DW - AMA

[Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit]

I was the OW now the DW so AMA if you’re interested.

One of my best friends has just found out her dh has been having an affair. They have 3 children together. She is distraught, not eating and not sleeping. My friends and I are very concerned about her mental well being. Whilst you were ‘falling in love’ did you ever stop to think about how your actions would affect another woman?

@Ayn - why not? It’s an open Internet forum, I can post whatever I want.

I do find it hard to believe. 5 years? No child would still be traumatised by their parents divorcing 5 years down the line.

@namechange - yes I agree that a divorce can be impactful but I doubt a child would be traumatised 5 years later.

When he married his ex wife he did love her but he says it was never a great love as in he wasn’t passionately in love with her so to speak. They should have never got married but that is on them.

It's relevant because either you were taking time he should have been spending with his family for the affair (and I'm not convinced the 2 of you didn't, I'd love to hear ex wife's side of this sordid little tale), or you were taking time from your enployer, which is unprofessional, effectively theft and unfair on other colleagues too.

I'm also guessing when you say the ex wife "did rather well out of the divorce" I'm guessing you mean financially. Money isn't everything and certainly doesn't make up for the hurt and betrayal caused by your affair. No amount of money can. Plus it's actually rare for the ex wife to be financially better off after a divorce and we only have your word for it. Again I'd love to know her side of the story.

Re children and the effect on them. I have a 17 year old who 15 years after the split from her father is still very much dealing with the ramifications, and I've seen this be the case for many children of divorce. She doesn't trust boyfriends, still feels hurt by her father not thinking SHE was important enough to him for him NOT to cheat, and we've certainly had to deal with the financial effects too. While he and his 2nd wife, enjoy a VERY comfortable lifestyle which frankly if I hadn't kicked his butt into putting more effort into his career, planning for the future (investments etc) they would not be benefiting from - while he has never paid child maintenance regularly or in full, hasn't seen his daughter for several years through his own choice, I believe because it makes him feel guilty.

Even in families where the children do still have contact etc there are still major trust issues and a lot of hurt. That NEVER goes.

I wonder how old his daughter is and what hard conversations are going to have to be had in the future.

And frankly I hope it makes you both feel the guilt of your actions as you deserve to.

How did you deal with him openly still sleeping with his wife? I thought he'd at least have span the usual lie of we don't sleep together anymore, the relationship can't have been that bad between them if they still were.

Didn't that just make sex meaningless between you knowing he was being intimate and having the same feelings with her during those times?

why not? It’s an open Internet forum, I can post whatever I want.

Of course you can. And I am asking why you wanted to, given the response you must have known you were going to get. You told us to ask you anything, that is what I am asking.

No child would still be traumatised by their parents divorcing 5 years down the line.

You really think not, hm?

Oh - and as for their inadequate sex life - supposedly - you do know that's a line most married men spin to the mistress? That it's rarely true?

Given his lack of morals and the sense that she didn't actually know straight away that he was leaving her for someone else, it's also entirely possible even probable that he was still sleeping with her after he was supposedly officially with you in your mind. I've seen that scenario happen loads.

digitallyremastered - no offence but you're looking from the perspective of the child who's parents stayed together, you cannot know what it was like for their ex-spouses or the children from the earlier marriages so please don't presume. You were blameless in your parents affair. People aren't going to tell you necessarily what they really felt about the affair and subsequent consequences.

I wouldn't do that to my ex & 2nd wives children and I've certainly had the opportunity as has dd. But they are not to blame for their parents actions.

When he married his ex wife he did love her but he says it was never a great love as in he wasn’t passionately in love with her so to speak. They should have never got married but that is on them.

Another very common line used on potential mistresses

@digitally - sorry about your DF. Yes my DHs marriage wasn’t a particularly happy one and as mentioned his ex wife says him and I are much better suited. Nice to hear about your parents having a long marriage.

@Graphista - like it or not sometimes these things are true. If he was happy he wouldnt have went through a rather costly divorce and have to give his daughter to her mum 3 days per week would he.

I think it suits people who have had an affair to suggest there is a time limit by which time the first wife and/ or children involved should be over it. That way if they don't meet the deadline set for them then their pain can become someone else's fault, such as the 'bitter ex.' I'd imagine it is easier to push the blame onto others than come to terms with the fact that your own behaviour that surrounded the cheating could have had a long term impact upon the mental health of others, damaged their ability to trust etc. Don't forget that for MrsC and her children it isn't just 5 years on from a divorce, it is 5 years on from the deception, gaslighting, cruel treatment of the family. Not to mention then the pain of trying to navigate separation/ co-parenting etc with someone who has treated you so badly. You don't think seeing your father acting like that could cause long term damage?

I might have missed this - but did his ex kick him out ehen the affair was discovered or did he leave voluntarily?

'When'

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit

Wow, you really fell for all his lines. Imagine how hurt his ex would be if she knew all the things he’d said about their relationship.

My DH’s parents split when he was 10 because of an affair. At the time it seemed to have little effect on him. But he has massive trust issues, intimacy problems and difficulties sustaining friendships. His sister suffers from depression and low self worth.

The issues cause by divorce aren’t always obvious immediately so don’t congratulate yourself just yet.

What you did was foolish at best and immoral at worst. I would suspect that is what people say about you when you’re out of earshot.

OP have fun with your new husband once a cheat always a cheat, he will be keeping one eye on other women

@Graphista - your situation is not comparable. My DH and I have my DSD 4 days out of 7 and often more. He hasn’t abandoned her.

If we tell my DSD about how we got together we will engage her mum in the conversation.

@Bounce - sorry I meant throughout their marriage it was once per month at best.

He wouldn’t have divorced his wife for meaningless sex would he. Our relationship wasn’t just built on sex and attraction we just knew we were meant to be together.

Lol at this being a special kind of love.
Of course it is

OP I am baffled. I truly am. I don't really judge you for several reasons, but I just don't get how you can trust your dh.

However, as a 36 year old adult, I can tell you that a person is very deeply effected by their parents marriage and what happens in it.

It is not limited to a year or two after. I would have said I was absolutely fine with my parents splitting. Probably up until about 3 years ago. Other issues made me reassess everything and I realised that some of my issues stem from my parents marriage and then divorce.

You can NEVER say, with 100% certainty that your affair will not impact your dsd.

When someone is distracted thinking sexual thoughts about someone else while spending time with his wife and child, that time will not be nice.

I could totally sense my Dad was somewhere else when he was with us. And he couldn't help but mention 'his friend' and the latest interesting fact 'his friend' had told him.

It also made him even more self indulgent and dramatic.

What I can't understand is how his ow ever found him attractive? I always thought she must have very low self esteem to want him. I've met married men through work and some of them are attractive. But if they ever showed an interest in me I would find it creepy and a massive turn off.

Do you have low self esteem or are you just turned on by different stuff?

once a cheat always a cheat

I see this a lot but I don’t think it’s always true. Many cheaters will cheat repeatedly, but some do not.

This AMA is just a chance for the OP to validate her relationship really. There is no insight, no acknowledgement of the pain caused, no self reflection. Just everything is wonderful. I think the confidence that the DSD won't ever have an issue with it is misplaced though, even if it doesn't rear itself until she is an adult, or a wife and mother herself don't assume it never will.

I hope he doesn't cheat on you and you do stay together, because I've also seen the damage done by my ex continuing to be a cheat on my daughter because to her, that means his cheating is meaningless hormone fuelled crap!

Nor you cheat on him.

Because I think iirc you have children with him too and they don't deserve to also deal with the consequences of that.

'Knew you were meant to be together'!!
That's hysterical !
You've been reading or watching romantic fantasies.
The child is not yours but you would probably drop her like a stone if you had one to of your own !

Graphista, actually I am very close indeed to my step siblings - we do not distinguish between biological and ss - and have discussed at length the impact on both them and their dm. So I do know thank you.

I do know the ex wife of my df found it hard and that she lived on a much lower income than him and that is unfair. I was commenting on the idea that OP and her dh marriage must be doomed because of their track record. It is simply not the case that the whole marry the mistress create a vacancy thing is always true. My parents utterly adored each other. Maybe SOME (not all granted) people who have affairs were simply in very unhappy marriages, met someone better suited and wanted to be faithful to them.

My DM was the OW and my stepfather left his wife when she broke things off.

My DM and the ex-wife are friends, we've all had Christmas together in previous years. His ex-wife at one point moved to Canada and we all visited for two weeks.

My DM and stepfather have just celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary.

Of course...there are a group of very bitter women on here who can't believe anything except the story that an OW becoming a DW creates a vacancy. Sometimes, sometimes not. Life is complicated. People fall in love when they shouldn't. There isn't just one ending to the story.