Was the OW now the DW - AMA

[Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit]

I was the OW now the DW so AMA if you’re interested.

Do you have any children OP?

What a shit dad.
Couldnt get sexually excited by a man prepared to hurt his own child and leave her.
No 'love' story is worth a childs happiness

You say he had the courtesy to end his first 'long-term' affair because his daughter was so young. Presumably this long term affair went on during his wife's pregnancy and birth of his child then?

What an absolute piece of shit scumbag lowlife your husband is.

Have you ever wondered why you set your standards so low OP? What was your own parents relationship like?

your husband cheating wasn’t this particular Op problem

That is irrelevant. It’s called having morals.

and she shouldn’t have to be blamed for that.

She absolutely should be blamed for her part in her affair though.

We can have morals but her blame lies at her own husband and the woman he had the affair with. Give your view and say they are wrong but not to direct so much anger at a stranger who wasn’t involved.

Of course she should be blamed for her part in the affair. She knew he was married and in my opinion wrong to get involved with him.

You'll be on the relationship boards no doubt.

These men don't stop

Given that you surely know what MN thinks of affairs and OW, why did you start this thread?

How does it feel knowing that everyone thinks you’re a selfish, morally challenged person?

Did you wait until he had broken up with his wife before you did anything.

Some of these posts are truly horrible

OP did a bad thing. Humans do bad things all the time. Humans hurt each other. Humans make mistakes.

I say this as s/o who grew up in a broken home due to infidelity ending my parents marriage.

Calling her "evil" is just uncalled for.

OP I genuinely struggle to see why you felt this thread was necessary. You actively took part in an affair that destroyed a marriage and certainly did some degree of psychological damage to a child. As much as you might protest about your "close" relationship with your stepdaughter, you are not and will never be her mother. How can you not see and feel guilty about what you did to this family. I do not exonerate your husband either. Both of you should feel utterly ashamed of yourselves and your brazen attitude on this thread about how "perfectly suited" you are to each other is nauseating and disgusting. When your new husband cheats on you and he will, please do not ask for any sympathy here. Perhaps you then might feel some of the pain you have inflicted on others.

The thing I find laughable is you saying up thread that you're surprised at the vitriol OW get. Are you stupid or something? Do you think we're all going to say, 'you're the OW? That's nice dear.' No, funnily enough we're not.

Your DH sounds like a real catch too. Can't keep it in his pants.

@QuackPorridgeBacon You're wrong. Her actual words, in a reply to me, were "DSD is very much my child".

Nobody said she wasn't treating the child "well". However, the best thing she could have done was to not get involved with that child's father in the first place and left her family intact.

I know this, I am living the repercussions of it on a day to day basis and indeed today FIVE YEARS ON, both of my kids are in turmoil tonight. So fuck off to anybody who says "kids are resilient". They are NOT.

Ok, I’m not going to engage. I don’t need your anger directed towards me. I didn’t say kids are resilient, things, traumatic things do affect them and for a long time afterwards. I'm sorry for what you and they have gone through, it can’t be easy.

I think people can be very self-centred. The OP isn't 'evil' - that suggests her purposely setting out to cause harm; she just doesn't care.

But she did set out to cause harm unless she's so spectacularly thick she didn't understand that a toddler would be sad if daddy stops living with them.

Did you use condoms to try and reduce the risk to his wife? (Not just testable STDs, HPV could have been dormant then passed to his wife.)

Did he tell you he wasn't sleeping with his wife, and if so did you believe him? Or were you ok with the fact he was sleeping with you then going home and sleeping with his wife?

@Santa - this ‘piece of work’ doesn’t live on an Internet forum you know.

Any way to answer some questions:

@Santa - no her job hasn’t changed and she did do rather well out of her divorce. She moved out of the marital home. My DH done more of the childcare than her anyway ie school runs, emergency leave etc.

@Racecardriver - well if I felt disgusted by my DH I wouldn’t have married him.

@objection - in regards to why did it take 6 months for him to end his relationship: from my viewpoint I think 6 months was too long but for him he was the one who had to tell his wife he wanted a divorce and also he had to think of his daughter. As instead of seeing his daughter 7 days per week it’s now only 4.

Again in an ideal world he would have been single but he wasn’t. I can’t change that.

@Schnitzel - if he cheats on me then it would be over I would not tolerate it.

@Shmoo - of course I felt guilty. So did he but we knew we loved each other.
No we didn’t get a kick out of it. Why would we have.

@namechange - yes I value those characteristics. For a year we tried to stay away from each other, I dated other people but no one ever compared to him for me and he felt the same otherwise he wouldn’t have ended his marriage.

@ThePlanet - thank you. Exactly life and people are not black and white.
Yes I felt guilty and no I wouldn’t be tempted going off how I feel now about my DH.

@Danger - no I didn’t say the reply’s were brutal I said the topic of affairs was brutal.
The thread was started due to a thread I had read and commented on called questions to the other woman and I was curious to see what questions would be asked.

@Martini - no I have real life friends and family who I would call on for support.

@Quack - yes definitely felt guilty. I don’t think he would leave for someone else. I certainly wouldn’t leave him. Whether people like it or not we both know we are meant to be together.

@TheFormidableMissC - your situation is completely different to ours not even comparable. I love my DSD and I have a great relationship with her mum. I think you are projecting massively which is causing irrational responses to an online thread. If you don’t want to read just hide the thread. The title clearly says what the thread is going to be about

@Graphista - yes we have had sex at work. Not that that is really relevant but we can leave our offices anyway or work from home.

I think life is too short to be in a relationship with someone you are not crazy about so if my DH sat me down and said he was in love with someone else I would be beyond devastated but you can’t force someone to love or be in a relationship with you. We don’t own people.

@Quack - exactly I think posters like MissC would prefer all OW to be wicked stepmothers but actually I love my DSD and would do anything for her as I would if she was my own.

@Teggun - yes

@Just - did you not read my previous replies? My DH is a brilliant father and him falling in love with me and leaving his wife doesn’t make him a bad father. What a ridiculous assumption.

My DSD is very happy she has three people who love her and would do anything for her.

@Stevies - my DH is not a scumbag. He wasn’t in love with his ex wife he stayed simply for their daughter. He never thought he would find what we have together and that is why he ended his marriage. Everyone deserves to be happy.

My parents are happily married as are his.

@Ayn - that is why I started it on an ask me anything topic and not on the relationship topic.

@Tumerictits - who is everyone? Strangers on the Internet?

@myusername - no we did not.

@justtheonequestion - what a ridiculous post. My DSD sees me more than her mum as she lives primarily with us.

@TheMissC - Your children are in turmoil 5 years down the line? Really? I find that hard to believe. Your obvious anger and bitterness is probably not helping either.

@Bounce - yes we used condoms. From what he has told me they didn’t have a very sexual relationship at best it was once per month.

I think your latest post is really naive OP. I have a 42 year old husband whose parents split up when he was 15. As you get older you realise how much life events (not just a parents' divorce) impact, sometimes subconsciously, on your choices and life as an adult. To suggest that it's unbelievable that a poster's children are struggling to come to terms with a divorce /OW / break up of their family a few years later is disrespectful to be honest.

I personally think that in answering my question that hinesty, integrity and loyalty are important but then saying your H didn't love his EW - yet married her - doesn't really smack of integrity and honesty does It?

@Ayn - that is why I started it on an ask me anything topic and not on the relationship topic.

That doesn't answer my question. You obviously know what people on MN generally think of affairs and OWs, so why did you start this thread anywhere at all on this forum?

@TheMissC - Your children are in turmoil 5 years down the line? Really? I find that hard to believe.

You do?

Your obvious anger and bitterness is probably not helping either.

Well, that's just lovely.

Not read the whole thread yet but my parents were in this situation and had a very long 40plus year marriage until df died slightly younger than average. Neither of them, I am certain, cheated on the other and they continued to adore each other. We were all very small but me and my step-siblings were treated by the other parent as their own (as good as). Whether people like it or not, there ARE happy endings in such situations. I met my df's ex wife and she seemed nice enough but I suspect neither of the first spouses were well-suited to my parents and vice versa. Yes in theory they would have met in different circumstances but this sort of thing happens and sometimes everyone genuinely does end up happier eventually. Perhaps the key though is where the first marriages were already unhappy anyway?