Was the OW now the DW - AMA

[Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit]

I was the OW now the DW so AMA if you’re interested.

If it happened to my children of course I would hate the person

Wow. So you wouldn't be as accommodating as DSD mum? Especially if new step mum expressed she loved your DC as her own? Interesting point of view.

Thank you for answering my questions.

I have a follow up question:

It seems to be the same as most affairs then - he was not honest enough to do the right thing & end his marriage because it wasn't working (end it because he wanted to, that is).
He waited until you forced a choice upon him before he acted.

Q: Had you not forced that choice on him, do you think he would have just carried on with you as an OW?
(I know you said you wouldn't have carried on like that, hence forcing a choice, but I mean if you had not made him choose)

If it happened to my children of course I would hate the person

And yet you seem to think it's so natural and right that your husband's ex is so pleasant to you...

thanks for answering my question. in regards to If it happened to my children of course I would hate the person i have a follow up...

if that woman had been having an emotional affair for 12 months and having sex with your son in law for 6 months. Then he was coming home to your daughter, who was buying christmas gifts for his family and cooking his dinner etc. All the while this other woman was around. The other woman then moved into your daughters house, repeatedly told everyone that she was a better match for the husband than your daughter ever was, took care of (by mutual agreement) your grandchild 4 days out of 7 and declared "i am a parent too" and basically claimed your granddaughter as her own.

All the while, probably as to not upset her child, your daughter smiled and agreed they were a better match, left HER home without a fuss, and was pleasant to this woman who had torn her life apart. Also handed her child over for this other woman to play house with for MOST of the week so she could put food on the table as she was now in a situation she had not chosen and had not expected - being a single parent.

What would your advice be to your daughter in that situation?

The longer this thread goes on the more damage OW has done to herself - that's because it is a lie and she knows it's a lie and no amount of dressing this up can make it anything else

i was like a thunderbolt and I was completely smitten. Sounds pathetic but we connected instantly

What a load of bullshit!

Did he feel this too - nah I doubt it - he would have left his wife instantly not mucked about for 18 months

Why did you date other men during this time - just in case it didn't work out?

I notice you still haven't answered any of my questions - what are the specific ages of your children?

I do hope you apply the same logic when he cheats again and possibly leaves you in that it was his house before your marriage!

What a bloody sorry mess and how you had the gall to come on here and claim it was anything else!

You need some balls lady some steel balls because when the shit hits the fan you are going to go through one hell of a ride that only the strongest survive - let's hope your two kids mean the fucking world to you and in the nicest possible way the dsd that you claim to love as your own will not figure once you have to deal with the fight of your life!

You should have walked away!

How upset was the ex? If she's so pleasant to the OP it might be she was relieved to see the back of the lying cheating bastard

Are you and your husband both comfortable with the fact that you know definitely that your life partner is capable of lying and cheating for months?

That would eat away at me, to know that my husband could look me in the eye, be with me, be a husband and a father, and yet cheat on me and lie to me. And for him, does he worry that he's with a partner who will behave pretty badly provided she can justify it with twue lurve.

I always suspect that people in your situation are vaguely aware deep dark down that they themselves and their partner have behaved incredibly badly and therefore can do it again - and justify it again.

I've tried to understand the OWs point of view.

I was unknowingly an OW very briefly. I was blamed by the girlfriend when it was her unfaithful, serial cheating boyfriend that was completely to blame. I would never want to be involved with someone who could behave like that to someone they once loved/still love.

If I was an OW I would find it very hard to know the husband was with his wife when we were apart. I would feel he was 'cheating' on me. I would focus on the every day things she got to do with him while I missed out.

I actually feel quite sorry for the op. I think she was young & naive when they got together, it was exciting and dramatic at first, but now SHE is the wife those tiny seeds of doubt will creep in more and more. She started this thread in the hope of reassurance that other women would come out and say they too had been OW and they now have happy ever afters, that cheaters can change...instead she has been confronted by the very real consequences of her actions, hence the defensiveness. I wouldn't want to be in her position.

Would your now husband's wife getting pregnant while you were together have been a deal breaker?

"so there is no ill feelings"

I seriously doubt this is true. Just because your marriage isn't going brilliantly doesn't necessarily mean you'll be fine and dandy with your DH leaving you for someone else.

I suspect she probably has a huge amount of residual ill feeling towards the pair of you but is taking the high road because of the DC.

silkybear the truth is that I don’t think MN is the best place to talk about being the OW. I think for the vast majority of users, OW are seen as “homewreckers” the few ones that don’t have that opinion is because they’ve seen or know of someone who ended up happier.

MN is a terrible place for OWs. If you've been here five minutes you'll know the sort of response that affairs and OWs get. I do have a more nuanced view of it, but I also know that there are a lot of women on here who are working through a huge amount of pain, and it is what it is. Nobody could spend any time on MN and fail to see that.

Which is why my only question to OP was: given the environment here, why did you choose to start the thread?

I'm dissatisfied with the answer. I don't think it's fully honest. But it took me long enough to get it, so, there it is.

My only question would be - did you encourage or ask him to wait until he'd ended things with his wife, before getting into anything together?

I mean, it's not up to you to police another person's behaviour, but did you?

You say that he's had affairs in the past, so it's not a clear-cut case of meeting the right person when you're already with someone else. And then riding off into the sunset.

He has form.

I would be uneasy. I was the OW briefly, for a couple of weeks before I knew I was going off overseas traveling, so I'm not whiter than white (though I had zero interest in ever pursuing something with the type of man who'd go there - it was a fling, and I was a selfish, clueless 20-something. He was fully untrustworthy).

But yes. I would be uneasy if I were the OP.

Cuttingthegrass/Ayn - The question was what would I do if my DC/DSD was cheated.

Penguin - I would tell her the same as my parents, end it ASAP. They were horrified.

Daisy - I agree he should have ended his marriage a long time before I came along.
I think he would have ended his marriage because of conversations we had in those 6 months but I will never know for sure.

I’m not giving my children’s ages as that is to specific as I said up thread. I don’t see what relevance that has anyway really.

I didn’t lie or cheat? I wasn’t in a relationship when my DH and I were having a physical affair. He was married not me.

Doesthisseemright - of course it would be a deal breaker I couldn’t get past that.

Sockunicorn - I would have to support my daughters choice but I would try in every way possible to change that situation. Yes I know I am in that situation. I know it doesn’t sound great but there is a backstory to why we have the marital home and primary custody it wasn’t forced on his ex wife.

Thisnamechanger - I am well aware of that and that is why I try in every possible way to:

Involve her in my own children’s lives such as christenings parties etc

I asked her how she wanted us to tell DSD I was pregnant and if she wanted to be there when we told her.

And make sure I look after her DSD like I do my own children.

I know as a parent it would break my heart to see another woman so involved in my dc lives however what is the alternative I treat her differently to my own DC? That happens more often then not just going off the step parents boards.

Dowager - if I’m completely honest I never asked him to leave his wife. I made a choice that I was done and even though yes I was in love with him and we had been having an affair I hated the situation. So no I didn’t give direct encouragement to leave as it’s not my marriage to end it was his and he had a child to consider.

Dowager - if I’m completely honest I never asked him to leave his wife. I made a choice that I was done and even though yes I was in love with him and we had been having an affair I hated the situation. So no I didn’t give direct encouragement to leave as it’s not my marriage to end it was his and he had a child to consider.

Actually, you misinterpreted my question.

I didn't ask whether you asked him to leave his wife.

I asked whether you asked him to wait for the two of you to get involved, until things had ended with his wife.

It's quite a different thing I'm asking.

That was the choice the two of you had, given you were so in love, and so sure you needed to be together.

Make a clean break with the wife, and then start something up. The more honourable option.

It seems your answer to this is 'no'.

You decided to embark on an affair, as the preferred course of action? And now you know this is what he does, as he's done it before. Of course, the two of you are deeply in love, and untouchable. But you'll be 50-something, 60-something some day, and can you feel sure that someone younger and more appealing won't come along and catch his eye, and he won't just go off and take it?

If you'd waited, and he'd ended things with his wife before the two of you embarked on your inevitable relationship, at least you'd be able to trust him further down the line. What's a few months between star-crossed lovers?

Your relationship isn't grounded in the sort of solid basis that many of us reading this thread take for granted.

My reading between the lines is that you expect your situation to elicit some sort of envy in your readers - your man actually left his wife and child for you, so you must be pretty special (you will deny this, of course). But it's not envy people feel when they read your posts. It's unease. For you.

Sorry - you did say to 'ask you anything'.

Dowager your point is something I always find interesting. Surely it’s true more honourable thing to do in a way... but also in the end you’re STILL leaving for someone else...I always see it as some sort of catch 22.

I didn’t lie or cheat? I wasn’t in a relationship when my DH and I were having a physical affair.

Do you really believe that? In the 18 months, you never hid your relationship from anyone?

if I’m completely honest I never asked him to leave his wife. I made a choice that I was done and even though yes I was in love with him and we had been having an affair I hated the situation. So no I didn’t give direct encouragement to leave as it’s not my marriage to end it was his and he had a child to consider.

So you finished it. He then independently ended his marriage. There was no hint from you that you were willing to try the relationship if he left her?

How long between him ending the marriage, did you and him get together?

Dowager your point is something I always find interesting. Surely it’s true more honourable thing to do in a way... but also in the end you’re STILL leaving for someone else...I always see it as some sort of catch 22.

Periwinkle - there is nothing morally wrong in ending a relationship, though. We've all done it.

I don't think the worst part of an affair is your partner having sex with someone else.

The worst part is them lying to you, deceiving you, and gaslighting you. Possibly also humiliating you.

By ending the first relationship before embarking on the second, you don't need to behave like a shit to the person you committed to, and promised to treat well.

It's not a catch 22 at all, as this suggests two options of equal negativity.

Dowager I’m just saying it from my own experience. Ive been told that what hurt the most was not the lies but that he stopped loving her and “magically” fell in love with someone else. There’s this continuous line of questioning of “how is she better / more beautiful / etc than me”.

Periwinkle....I doubt the OW is better than the W in any way, just available, needy and good at buttering egos!

I think some are for sure Ophelia. I don’t think I’m better at all, I’m just different.

I don't think the "thunderbolt" is such an unusual thing. I certainly felt it with my DP.

However, after I started seeing him some (now former) friends played a prank on me by pretending to be his girlfriend, telling me to back off. I apologised to her saying that I was completely unaware and I dumped him.
Even at 22, I had enough self belief and self awareness that I wasn't going to be an OW. I hate lying and cheating and thought to much of myself to be relegated to being the OW. I was understandably angry at him. Told him I never wanted to hear from him again.

It was after a couple of days that these "friends" decided to come clean. Thankfully OP and I made up, we're still together 13 years later and I removed those "friends" from my life.

OP you say you have children. Did it not go through your mind at all that he might cheat on you when your children were young, just as he had before?

I'd still be interested to know what your answer was to my previous question.

"I think he would have ended his marriage because of conversations we had in those 6 months but I will never know for sure." Aka he told you what you wanted to hear. Unlikely it was true or he'd have left his wife much earlier which brings me to...

Your DC's exact ages are perhaps irrelevant but I too wonder if you fell pregnant before he left his wife. If so in your position I'd be wondering IF he'd have left her at all if you hadn't fell pregnant and also in his & the exw position I'd wonder if you'd taken measures to make that more likely - which is not to say he didn't have just as much responsibility/responsibility in that. THAT is the relevance as far as I'm concerned.

Actually even in your version you essentially issued an ultimatum, so you'll never actually know for sure if you hadn't if he'd have left exw, nor if he was following his heart or some more capricious (especially in his case) organ.

Given what we do know it certainly sounds as if children have come along fairly quickly into your marriage and wonderful as DC are they're a stressor on the strongest relationships.

"The worst part is them lying to you, deceiving you, and gaslighting you. Possibly also humiliating you." Absolutely! That's the part relating to me that I couldn't forgive. Early on when I was suspicious I tested the waters and he actually laughed at me, saying I was being paranoid and crazy. I was actually spot on! Because the Monday I did that followed the weekend it became physical for them. It was insulting!to have my knowledge of him dismissed, to have my feelings negated. But he no longer cared how it was affecting me. It just suited him to stay and have me run a home for him and see dd every day etc. Some time after we split he did say to me he'd never intended for her to become permanent. It was only meant to be a fling...but between me finding out (to quote friends he was no James Bond! Suddenly 'working late' when he'd always been a lazy clock watcher, suddenly being sociable going to work do's when previously he'd been quite introverted, the clichéd improvement/concern about appearance, showering supposedly at the gym when normally he'd prefer to come home & shower, glued to his phone, jumping whenever home phone rang, the one that threw me was an increased interest in sex - where previously I'd have expected less interest but I've since learned the reverse is more likely, and that's what happened in my situation, niggling about my appearance. If I'd been on mn then I'd probably have been suspicious earlier due to mentionitis which then stopped suddenly - that's when I got suspicious).

OP have other men in your workplace come on to you since you got together officially?

Why did you choose to marry rather than maintain your independence? You have said that you have a senior position in DH's company so presumably you are not financially dependent on him.