Was the OW now the DW - AMA

[Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit]

I was the OW now the DW so AMA if you’re interested.

Question: did you absolutely know at the start you would definitely leave his wife. Or did you have doubts along the way?

*he would leave his wife even

Morning, everyone. We wanted to just pop by with a reminder that our usual Talk Guidelines still apply on AMA in the same way as they do across the boards and we will delete posts that are personal attacks or break the rules in other ways, so please keep your posts civil and respectful, whether you're asking a question or answering someone as the OP.

We did also want to point out that while it is 'Ask Me Anything' the OP is under no obligation to answer really. Clearly if they consistently dodge questsions the thread might not take off very successfully but it is up to them at the end of the day. It is only an invitation to ask - not a promise to answer, and sometimes they may not have time to answer every single question on a thread.

So it's more 'ask me anything......But If I don't like it I won't answer

Or ask me questions, but don't ask me anything

Personally, I think the name of this area should change. I don't get why you would start a thread here, if you aren't willing answer anything. I would get it if people were asking, for the Ops name or something.

@Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit for the record i am not an OW. My parents divorce was caused by infidelity. However I understand life is not black and white and people make mistakes or things dont always start the best. And I had a far better life, allowed by step parents time, love and incomes, than i would if my parents had stayed together.

So my question :)........ your DC (or SDD) comes home in 15 years and says her husband has cheated, left her and was marrying the OW. This OW would have primary custody of your grandchildren and would be a new family member how do you think you would react? Would your mama bear instinct kick in and you hate them for upsetting your baby? or would you think "you cant stop true love" and be fine with them?

Not a question here , just repeating my advice ...look at your DH's phone/email.
Make sure your finances are in order, etc., etc.

Ivgot you started this post to attention seek. I actually feel a bit sorry for you.

It’s either all rubbish or unfortunate it’s all true but on both situations you are enjoying the contempt being given to you.

Go and seek professional help as I don’t think you are well tbh

Obviously OP is not obliged to answer any questions; nobody's going to call for sanctions if she doesn't. But if you invite people to ask you anything, and then dodge the difficult stuff, expect people to speculate on what you're actually saying through your dogged silence. And for the love of God stop insulting and attacking them because they ask.

As it is, OP has finally, finally answered my one single question. I'm not at all convinced it's the full or true answer (I might be, if she'd given it sooner and with better grace), but I guess that's all she's going to say.

I read with interest the questions OP was in fact expecting. They seem very centred around her own feelings and circumstances, and not those of others. That seems to have been what's thrown her about the whole thing.

Shortstuff08 The op has answered questions though.

Theophas answered questions though.

Not all of them. I have asked a question twice and she hasn't answered it.

Ok. I thought maybe you hadn’t seen all her replies. I can see how it would be annoying but I guess it’s up to her what to answer.

Although I agree it does say anything, meaning they are mentally prepared (when it’s such a topic like this one) for more risky questions but will answer them.

Ok. I thought maybe you hadn’t seen all her replies. I can see how it would be annoying but I guess it’s up to her what to answer

You assumed I hadn't read the replies?

Have you? There are lots of questions the ops hasn't answered. Not just mine.

OP hasn't answered my questions.

1. Why do you think it is mainly women who are this younger than their partner in age-gap relationships? And no, I don't want to know about your relationship with your partner. I asked your opinion about this general situation.

1. What should your SD will make of a father, when she is a grown up woman, who had at least three women in one marriage (yes, she WILL find out). What sort of example do you think it sets for her? And what sort of man Nashe will end up with then?

And now I have another one:
Why do you think you can't share your husband with any woman now? What difference did the marriage make? Why do you think you are special enough for him to be loyal in this marriage?

@SantaClauseMightWork

To be quite frank, I am absolutely stunned at the temerity of the OP who states that her DH being unfaithful to her is a "deal breaker" but was quite happy to be complicit in shitting on his first wife and destroying a child's family. Double standards by any measure.

I think it makes sense in a way, actually....after all, she knows that for him, cheating means he's on the way out.

Why is it a deal breaker if he cheats on you but you were extremely happy for him tp cheat on his ex wife? You're happy for your husband to be a cheat as long as it's not on you, can you see the hypocrisy?

I also asked the OP what her biggest achievement was outside of the relationship and she hasn't answered that one either.

From what I've seen on this thread and elsewhere she just comes across as really desperate to keep hold of him.

I just don't understand why someone would be so desperate to keep hold of a cheater. She's certainly a better person than me if she isn't bothered about him cheating on his wife. I could certainly never forgive my DP either if he cheated on me or with past partners.

I don't want to derail but the psychology of a cheater not wanting to be cheated on is an interesting point. In my case, OW has a leash on my ex-h that can only be described as suffocating. He is not allowed to communicate with me via any means that she can't monitor, he disabled his WhatsApp after she discovered we were communicating healthily via that. We can't have a conversation without her interfering in it. I don't think that the OP's situation is like that but for some people, the realisation that they are with somebody who is prepared to dump their children, cheat, lie (for months, often years on end) becomes not so much fun when they fathom they could be next in line for that. Because the truth is, they usually are! In the last fortnight, I have seen two couples I know who started as affairs between 13-15 year ago, split because one party has had yet another affair and found their next happy every after. Some people are just wired that way. Happy ever after doesn't exist. Because LIFE is just like that.

MrsC
It is such a shame that so many women are enabling and assisting cheating. I can see the obvious: money, feeling of achievement through the husbands (the number of women I have seen who take pride in the fact that their husband is a doctor/engineer, etc. What have YOU done/achieved? Where is YOUR pride in life and yourself as a woman? I have not come across one man who does this.), lack of self-esteem and lack of ambition. The list is endless. These women set the bar really low. One other factor could be the fact that they sense that when their partner will need them the most, they will still be younger so will still be needed (and won't be dumped when they reach a certain age, like the ex wife did).

shortstuff08 in general no I am not but yes in regards to cheating as I wouldnt tolerate it.

sockunicorn If it happened to my children of course I would hate the person

Other Questions:
I have two children as already stated previously.

My husband and I have been together 5 years again as already stated previously.

So in regards to why did it take him 18 months to leave.
To be fair on the first 12 months it was nothing more than an emotional affair we didn’t do anything about it as he was married. I still dated in that 12 months so I wasn’t hanging around for him.
Then in the subsequent 6 months we had a physical affair. I never made any demands on him to leave his wife but he found it difficult to end his marriage as he had his daughter to consider. Anyway long story short I said I was done and wouldn’t be waiting for him. He then told his ex wife he wanted to end his relationship.
Was I happy it took so long? No I was not.

Yes it is hypocritical that I wouldn’t tolerate cheating. I wasn’t happy he was cheating on his wife at all I felt like shit and before he left her I did end it.

OP, if your daughter said she had met the love of her life, described the feeling of meeting him as a "thunderbolt" and that this man felt the same way, what would be your genuine advice when she told you that it'd been several months and he was still with his wife? And that he had a history of affairs?

in general no I am not but yes in regards to cheating as I wouldnt tolerate it.

I think this could be the issue. You are very unaware of yourself. The reason I asked if you considered yourself a hypocrite wasn't just because you wont tolerate cheating.

It was

You won't tolerate cheating
You are married but don't believe marriage vows mean anything
Have complained several times about people stereotyping you, and yet you have done the same referring to other posters as bitter ex wives.
Complained about personal attacks, while personally attacking those posters .

As for just an emotional affair...EAs very much impact marriages. You spent 12 months having an emotional affair, while he went home and played happy families with his wife. You can not believe that, that 12 months didn't impact his marriage at all.

I think the hypocrisy also lies in the fact that she said that her husband's house was not his ex's home as it was his before they married so how can she feel it's her home now?

Andromeida59 that's an excellent point.

Maybe it's just me. But I know my failings. I know I can be a bit insecure and don't deal with rejection well. They are things I am working on. I am actually blown away that OP is so unaware of herself.

I do also find it odd the the ex wife has been lifted out of her life and the OP was switched in. OP has literally moved into the ex's life.

It's like a really long version of love island