Was the OW now the DW - AMA

[Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit]

I was the OW now the DW so AMA if you’re interested.

Op, I apologise for calling you thick. Obtuse is more the direction I was going. I hope you are right about your dh and we are all wrong but he just doesn't sound great to be based on this thread .

I also wanted to ask. Is cheating a deal breaker for you? As in if he did cheat would that be it for you? I know for me its the one thing I wouldn't be able to get past, trust is gone imo

Keepingupwiththejonesys Op said it would be a deal breaker and she wouldn’t tolerate it.

@EvilMorty

Please do not minimise childhood trauma. Adults are in therapy for this. You cannot possibly know the impact caused by your DP’s actions when he left his family for you. The affect of parents behaviour on children is massively underestimated, everyone just glosses over it and says they are fine because they outwardly portray that they are and it fits the “it was for the greater good” narrative

This. Thank you for posting. It was my DC that the OP referred to in such a cruel manner. I wasn't going to come back to this thread as I have found it so very distressing. However, I saw this and could not help but point out the irony of my (half Italian!) ex-h being so dreadfully affected right through to adulthood by his parent's divorce which happened when he was five years old, yet he has now inflicted the exact same trauma on our own DC (and then some). I know I have a long way to go with this. It should never be underestimated or dismissed with such flippancy.

I think the OP had taken my advice and had a look at her husband's emails/texts and discovered he has already moved on .....

ronedmondson.com/2014/01/7-ways-a-wife-injures-a-husbandwithout-even-knowing-it.html

I think she's just flounced because the thread hasn't gone the way she planned. We were supposed to say, "What! An OW whose MM actually left the wife and MARRIED HER? What a rare and exotic creature! How fascinating! Surely she has all sorts of incredible insights that will blow our tiny little minds!"

What actually happened was that she made a complete tit out of herself. The 'half Italian' thing was toe-curling, and then all the stuff about children not being affected and the pain of betrayed wives being 'hilarious' was just so hateful. Once she realised how much she'd embarrassed herself, she was off.

Plus she kept accusing me of being invested in her marriage, even though I didn't ask any questions about it. All I wanted to know was why she started the thread. She never told me.

I do not think all affairs are necessarily evil; I do think context has to be taken into account and I do know humans can be frail and fallible. But the way she conducted herself on this thread, her provocation of, and then her response to, real human suffering - that was astounding, and not in a good way.

@AynRandTheObjectivist

I absolutely agree with you

Thanks, MrsC.

I don't subscribe to the general MN feelings about affairs and OW (though obviously they're not good things), but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate that they can cause horrendous pain and devastation.

Love to all of you who are affected.

Ophelia - no I haven’t ‘gone’ I just don’t spend my life on an Internet forum.

How embarrassing that you, Ayn and Green Beret have taken time out of your day to repeatedly post and comment on this thread. Do you really have so little going on in your own life.

To resort to personal attacks because I am not giving you the answers you want is pathetic.

Ophelia what is it that you don’t like, that my husband actually left his wife or that we are happy? Would you rather I was saying I was miserable and racked with guilt on a daily basis because my husband left his wife? As you seem so convinced he is going to cheat again, why is that? Because you want to believe it? Or is it because you don’t want to believe that it can work out as stated by other posters on this thread.

@GreenBeret - I see you repeatedly ask about my dad, why?

I have a great relationship with my dad. Why wouldn’t I?

Or is it because you don’t like the fact my husband is older than me?
Again insulting to people in relationships with older partners.

Also I don’t have to look for affirmation on the Internet from a bunch of strangers. I understand you are desperate for my responses but I don’t live my life on mumsnet so I won’t respond immediately.

I understand your husband had an affair but directing your misplaced anger and stereotypical views towards a complete stranger on the Internet won’t give you closure.

@AhhhhThatsBass - exactly.

@Cuttingthegrass - did you actually read the thread? I presume you didn’t as if you did you would have been able to read my responses to multiple questions.

@dogzdinner - he told her

@Keepingupwiththejonesys - no I would not forgive. It is a complete deal breaker.

@Keepingupwiththejonesys - no she’s attractive.

I have question.

OP Dp you think you are a hypocrite?

Well, OP, if I'm a saddo for having the time to respond to your thread, I can only imagine what you must be for having the time to start it and, initially at least, being prepared to stay on it for long enough to answer all the zillions of questions. But to be fair, you're not answering them. You still haven't answered the one question I have asked you.

Actually, what kept me on MN last night wasn't this delightful thread, but two others about BDSM and perfect pitch. So you may be right that I'm a weirdo, but invested in your marriage? If I gave a toss about that, I'd have asked a question about it. I do admit to being interested in why you started this thread, though. So, why did you?

As for 'personal attacks', well OP, if you're going to laugh at human suffering and deny childhood trauma, expect to hear about it. Have you noticed that you have almost no supporters on your own thread, even among posters who have a nuanced view of affairs and comparable experience? Why do you think that is? Is it anything to do with your incredibly hateful conduct on this thread, do you think?

But OP you haven't answered all the questions . Perhaps read your own thread.

Majority of your posts are berating people for posting on your thread. Please just concentrate on answering questions as the other AMA thread owners do. Do you understand that it's 'ask me ANYTHING'

@ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit I've just lost a reply to you - I'm not sure it will come out as it was second time around but here goes!

The reason I'm on here - can't sleep either get to sleep or wake up too early - symptom of depression aggravated by divorce! My life has too much going on!

I ask about your dad because I'm looking for some understanding into your relationship - I mean no offence to those with large age gaps I get that some of these are about more - but so far your replies on here have done nothing to convince me that your relationship is anything other than a stereotypical midlife crisis on his part and a longing to fill something that's missing on your part - what this is though I don't think you have any idea and therefore neither do I - but one thing I do know is that this is not true love

Love is far more complex and requires a greater depth of understanding and insight than you seem to have. By the way none of this is a personal attack - it is just my opinion based on what you have said and not said - if you are working towards directorship you need to get a grasp of this if you are going to be managing people!

I think actually you are looking for affirmation of the internet - you were hoping a complete bunch of strangers were going to condone your relationship - why else did you come on here?

I would have been open to taking on board that your relationship was about "soul mates" - I believe they exist - this would have gone some way to coming to terms with the hell my kids have been through but nope I do not reckon your relationship is anything of the sort - it's based on lust with a few add ons.

Don't flatter yourself thinking I am desperate for your response - I too have a life outside of MN or do you think us ex wives have nothing left in our sad sorry lives now you have stolen our one "prize" - get over yourself - most of us our rebuilding our lives based on real honest interaction - with ourselves and with others!

I have no anger towards you - some of your comments lack understanding - but am I surprised given your situation no not really - and the reason you are stereotypical is the facts you have given about yourself fit the stereotypical version of an OW - we didn't make these up - you freely gave us this information!

Personally I think your life is one huge lie - to yourself and to others - the cracks are beginning to show - this is why you come across as contradictory and hypocritical because it takes a great deal of "skill" - wrong word -"narcissism" is more appropriate to carry this off without detection! You are in conflict with yourself - do you realise how nonsensical this statement is "no I would not forgive it's a complete deal breaker" ffs you are all over the show!

There was so much more to my first thread but it's gone now -had you any recognition or care of the destruction an affair does you would have said " I'm sorry your husband had an affair" rather than " I understand" which is devoid of any feeling! This is what I meant earlier when I talked about saying sorry

Ŷour right this thread won't give me closure - closure comes from looking very deep inside ourselves -looking at every part of ourselves - even the ugly parts - admitting that we would have had some part to play in the breakdown of our marriage however much we would like to "blame" the Ow - mostly it is about communication - real honest painful communication which most of us shy away from for obvious reasons but it gets us in the end !

This is a perfect place for you to let out your demons - none of us know you - some of us care - why. Who knows? I get no kick out of this!

I wish you well - I would like to believe you have found your "happy ever after" but sadly I'm not convinced. You deserve happiness though as we all do and I hope it comes to you! Take care of yourself in the meantime and work on your integrity! We all make mistakes - we can all be forgiven but again this takes bloody hard work! Good luck!

Ayn

I started this thread because after reading a fair few threads on the relationships board and then reading the subsequent replies I thought it may be a subject posters would be curious about.

I understand it is a painful subject that is why I clearly headed it ‘was the ow now the dw’ So that if this subject caused any hurt then the thread could be easily hidden.

I imagined being asked questions such as

How did it start
Do you feel guilty
Did he have children
What is your relationship like now
What is your relationship like with his ex wife
How did you meet
How did he end his marriage/relationship
What is your relationship like with your DSD
How long have you been together
Do you have children together - how has that changed your relationship

Yes those questions have been asked and answered but certain posters have decided to turn the thread into an OW bashing thread, criticising my relationship with my DSD, questioning my relationship with my parents along with personal attacks such as you are insecure, you have low self esteem and you will lose your looks when you’re 40.

You are right about my comment about childhood trauma I accept I shouldn’t have wrote that and I explained my rationale behind it. I have spoken to my dsd mum about that subject to see what her views are.

I appreciate it is a difficult and painful subject for anyone that has been cheated on that is why I started this thread in ask me anything rather than the relationships board.

It's 'ask me anything no 'ask me things I am comfortable answering'.

When you answer a question it will bring up more questions.

Plus you are avoiding answering some questions. Like do you consider yourself a hypocrite?

So why not admit you got it wrong then - your right people are curious - again not really the right word - most women the ex wives I expect would be looking for some explanation because no doubt their XH gave them nothing after months and months of lies and deceit!

I doubt most other women are curious - unless they are thinking of embarking on an affair themselves - and hopefully the replies from the ex wives club may have persuaded them otherwise!

Unless of course you are trying to say "hey if your thinking of having an affair go for it cos I'm now living the dream"

Had you posted this in relationships you probably would have got the same response to be honest -

Just come out and say your are sorry for the upset you have caused not just in relation to the kids suffering but to a case of bad judgement - hopefully for you not another one!

@Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit

Are you going to answer my genuine questions?

I am not a potential OW. I have never been a OW. I am an ex wife, through my choice. No affairs involved.

I have always been interested in human behaviour though.

I do think the thread would have been better if the OP did actually answer anything and if she had been totally honest.

Just another thought funny how the only one you have replied to is ayn from what I recall is not an x wife - though maybe she is she just hasn't said and all others including myself you have passed judgement on based on your stereotypical view of the bitter ex wife!

Why is this - do we not warrant your respect just for the fact we have taken time out of our lives to share some experience with you ?

Why have you spoken to dsd mum about this -are you possibly thinking you may have caused this child some trauma after all?

I think I may have been overgenerous with my thoughts to you - something I am often doing! I have been told do t be too kind too everyone some people do not deserve it

I'm yet to decide on you

I've 3 questions:

1. Why do you think it took 18 months for your husband to end his marriage?

1. Why did you allow him to take 18 months from 'thunderbolt' (your description of when you first met) to ending his marriage?

1. Does it not bother you that you were paralleled with his wife for so long?

My questions are based on the notion that if he was truly unhappy in his marriage & 'knew you were the one', then he surely would have ended it sooner - either before meeting you, at some point during the year of the emotional affair or even at the early stages of the 6 month physical affair.

I find it difficult to comprehend why someone would willingly choose to be a secret for 18 months.