Was the OW now the DW - AMA

[Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit]

I was the OW now the DW so AMA if you’re interested.

Lots of animosity here towards you, OP. Why is tge OW always blamed when theoretically your now partner is the one in the wrong.
My question: are you aware if the exW directed most of her animosity (at the time) to her then husband or did she focus it on you? Did she use their child as a pawn in the split? Have seen this a few times and find it almost as bad as cheating in terms of the effect it has on the children.

Do you and his parents/siblings kno it was an affair? If so, what was their reaction?

If he was to cheat you said you'd leave him. Out of curiousity if he married/got with a new woman would you be happy for them to have a close bond with your children?

How do your children get on with his ex wife?

None Goady questions btw. We aren't binary so I know things do happen - people aren't good or bad there's many shades between - plus it's he who took oaths to his wife, not you.

If he had multiple affairs he should've left his wife though and still saw his daughter often. He doesn't need a relationahip to leave an unhappy one..

Not rtft ! Never usually comment.
Compelled to add my tuppence worth after reading that only on mumsnet are OW villified. Let me say this.. the cases I've known whether it's been friends parents while growing up or friends colleagues in my adult years, there is a black dismal feeling and they are thought of with pity and disgust of at all. That is the air surrounding the cheating pair, wether they know it or not ! OW live really miserable lives and usually the man is still playing away. Just saying...

It is pretty sad actually but you reap what you sow.

flower I think it’s a cultural thing. I’m an expat and people from the US usually are more understanding of what happened (or say stuff like “human relationships are too complex for me to judge them”). Whereas here, everybody “sides” with the BS and blame the OW. Even my exH says so... to the extent that has told everyone who tries to talk crap about me that he’s a) not interested b) the OM has as much of the blame c) terrible decisions don’t make you a terrible person

terrible decisions don’t make you a terrible person

True.
But lying & cheating do make you a terrible person.

Honesty & integrity are not that difficult.

Agree with OP it happened to a DF of mine. Work colleagues who met and fell in love, neither one tried to, it was just magnetic and unexplainable like they have now met THE ONE! Except he was married with 2 DC and she was divorced with 1 DC. She tried to ignore it and even avoid him for a few months until she had to accept it. His marriage was toxic, arguing and completely mismatched so he was already going through problems before they met. All of us friends told DF to be careful and not expect much to come of it. Post 5 years they have been married 3 years now and have a DC of their own. He treats her very well and they are completely in love. It does happen. Not every OW is a home wrecker, especially if the home was not a happy one to begin with.

I'm not so sure the OP is a troll. There really are bitchy women like this out there.

So, you're in your late 20s and have been with this sugar daddy bloke for 5 years. Can't make out if you have your 'own' children or not, but if you do, then presumably that's time out of your career for maternity leave. Possibly you went to University, although that's questionable, judging by the standard of your written English. Who knows, maybe it was in Italy?

So, how did you qualify for your supposed high position at work, apart from shagging one of the directors in company hours?

I don’t judge you for the affair. It happens but how you conduct yourself after is paramount.

I do however judge you for this comment;

5 years? No child would still be traumatised by their parents divorcing 5 years down the line.

Please do not minimise childhood trauma. Adults are in therapy for this. You cannot possibly know the impact caused by your DP’s actions when he left his family for you. The affect of parents behaviour on children is massively underestimated, everyone just glosses over it and says they are fine because they outwardly portray that they are and it fits the “it was for the greater good” narrative. You are very of touch with your DSD and perhaps your own DC’s emotions if you could make such a sweeping statement. I have no question really, except to advise that you take a closer look at the emotional of your childrens needs and less of yours and your DH’s.

All people who cheat are selfish. They have to be to carry the guilt and deceit.

So OP. If DSD doesn’t yet know it was an affair that split the marriage. Do you consider that to be a relationship built on deceit and lies ?

Are you less attractive or more attractive than his first wife? I’m amazed how many people play away with partners less attractive than their spouse.

I felt the impression that the Op seems to consider herself to be more attractive then the ex wife. After all, she's half Italian and pays for a personal trainer.
And 15 years younger.

All the important things in life.

Hold on OP. If you and he were shagging in work time and he also did the school runs you’ve got patient or stupid employers

Hi there everyone,

We understand that people have very strong views on this topic, but it would be great if everyone could please refrain from personal attacks.

SchnitzelVonKrumm Ehats that supposed to mean?

It means what it says - 'yet'

You are still in your 20s, so cannot possibly know what you will think in your 40s

(Original post re "wasting your 20s & beyond" that you were apparently 'insulted' by was mine)

Not that it was about you anyway, but hey-ho...

Surely no one knows if they have wasted their time until they do. You can’t say because someone is twenty and their partner older, that it is a waste of time and them past their prime. I did take offence yes. You said it as a generalisation, I would be part of that given my age and my partners age, no? Also, is 40 actually old? Wouldn’t old be 55/60 and above?

Hey 55 isn't even nearly old!

I don't think it's the age that's so important as the fact the OP's DP has form for cheating. I don' think I'd be wasting any of my precious life on a known waster, no matter what age I was...

Sometimes affairs end well for everyone.

Get over it.

Good luck OP

Gosh, the vitriol on this thread is poisonous.

OP, I think you're courageous posting here, in spite of the fact that no matter how reasoned you are, many people here will never change their stance. That's totally their prerogative, of course; it gets very uncomfortable trying to situate oneself in shades of grey when black-and-white is simpler and safer.

Gosh, the vitriol on this thread is poisonous.

I know, right!

The OP was particularly shitty at times.

Firstly, to all those partners and children that have been affected by others having affairs.

Have to say that I do feel sorry for the OP. I think that the language and comments demonstrate a real lack of maturity. There were a few comments that made me feel particularly for her.
Firstly her comments about other couples "not being as in love". I wonder how the OP believes she knows this plus it does smack of competition. I thought the comment about her looks and how she "spends a fortune" at the gym were also particularly sad. You should go to the gym because you enjoy it, not because you worry he'll cheat if you don't keep up your appearance.

Also, if this goes wrong, she's going to be the one that will need to leave the company. I can't imagine she can be greatly respected by her peers.

I genuinely feel for the OP, this may very well work out but I doubt it. Just make sure you have a back up plan OP.

Not sure what the OP expected to get out of this thread but she is certainly not honouring her AMA....
Maybe she is actually beginning to see how she looks to others and feeling some remorse??

Not sure what the OP expected to get out of this thread

I've asked her several times, but she won't reply. She said to ask her anything, so I asked the only thing I wanted to know: why did you start this thread on MN, given what an emotive topic you know it is on here? I don't care about her relationship or its history, I just want to know that.

She's told me she started it in AMA and not Relationships (I know), and that she has the right to post anything she likes (I know), but she won't answer the question I actually asked.