Was the OW now the DW - AMA

[Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit]

I was the OW now the DW so AMA if you’re interested.

Yes, he left his wife but after how much feet dragging?

If you believe it took so long because he was only worried about being away from his daughter I'll sell you a bridge.

He wasn't worried too much about her when he started the affair with you.

I would love to hear his ex-wife's side of things leading up to their split.

Of course I didnt say he left her for free childcare

OK since this is an AMA I'm going to ask the question that baffles me about all OW/OM.

In your quiet moments when you were alone and he was with his family, how did you feel knowing he was there having sex with his wife?

Knowing he was sleeping with you both at the same time?

How would he have reacted if you slept with someone else during your affair?

"I'm not at director level yet" ha ha!

The fact that you can imagine, with your less than a decade's corporate experience, that you are ANYWHERE near director level says it all.

Op - no amount of exercise or even plastic surgery can prevent the ravages of age. Even if your looks don't deteriorate as much as others they will deteriorate. And you cannot prevent the ageing of the mind, the way getting older changes your outlook - men like your husband are just as attracted to the naïveté, the lack of ability to see THEM as they are, to swallow the compliments, the lies...as they are to the looks. Ageing is inevitable and unstoppable.

"His ex wife is approaching her 40’s" as you will be too - in less than 15 years? It's not a long time.

"he has had plenty of time while stuck in a relationship he felt miserable in to assess what he wants." Except he didn't, he had affairs. This means INSTEAD of assessing the situation he was already in, and possibly doing the work required of HIM to improve that relationship, he pursued distractions, put effort elsewhere.

It's an old analogy but it's a cliche (and yes there are SO many in this story) because it's true - the grass is greener where it's better cared for.

"yes we have the marital home as it was my husbands anyway." If they were married it wasn't his - it was part of the marital assets, and even aside from that, morally it was her HOME for as long as she lived there regardless of who's HOUSE it was. So the lump sum was likely in lieu of her share of the house. Which is simply equal and fair - not the bonus you're making out.

"I am not a direct report however although still senior." When did you attain your senior position? Before the affair started or after?

5 years is no time at all relationship wise (am I right in thinking op says they have 2 DC together? If so that's fast work too - op were you pregnant when he left his wife?), but it's enough time in other ways.

How long were they married/together when he first cheated?

DaisyTwirl - I had a similar revelation. My ex worked very hard trying to ensure that his 2nd wife and I didn't meet up after the affair was discovered - certainly not alone. Then there was a time he was on deployment and couldn't run interference, we met up so that the children could meet up and we naturally had a conversation. By this point he'd already cheated on her once. She was annoyed at her own naïveté (she was even younger than op at affair start), in believing

That the marriage had been rocky for years
That we not only weren't having sex, but that we weren't even sleeping in the same room
That I was a spendthrift irresponsible with money (he is a nightmare - she certainly knew that by this point)
That he did 'almost all' the housework
That I'd been unfaithful
That he'd only stayed because of our daughter (early on during the time I knew of the affair but wasn't fully showing my hand I'd said to him if he was unhappy, he was free to leave. His response was that not only did he not want to leave, he was very happy and wanted us to consider adding to our family, in the immediate aftermath of my kicking him out - he told her he left of his own choice but she learned quite early on that wasn't true - he begged, flirted, cajoled, tried to guilt me into taking him back. Including flirtatious texts sent while he was with her).

Apparently he'd told the woman he cheated on her with that

He'd never intended their affair to become a proper relationship
She 'trapped' him by getting pregnant, forced him to marry her.
They were no longer having sex (ow learned that wasn't true when wife 2 became pregnant during the affair)
Tried to explain this by claiming she'd been unfaithful and the child wasn't his. Yep denied his own child - that was planned too.
Same lies Re money & housework too.

I am puzzled why she stays with him. She has a successful career & money of her own, is still young & attractive (for now), has a supportive family. But then I don't know her family background that well. Perhaps one of her parents was unfaithful and it's the norm for her? Maybe there's other reasons eg fear of being a Lp? Of him cutting her DC off the way he did our dd? Who knows.

I am a parent to my DSD. She is very much my child.

WTF? She is absolutely not your child and never will be. You said yourself, you don't have children of your own and you can't now lay claim to another woman's child. You might have taken her husband but you can't take her child.

A good friend of mine who I thought a great deal of got herself into this situation.

She devastated her own partner and the man divorced his wife.

Every time I see their happy show of life, I think of the pain and trauma they caused others. I’ve never said anything, but I don’t see her the same way anymore and I’ve no interest in her husband.

I wonder if they ever think of the pain they caused or selfish decisions, or whether it’s just all “we were meant to be» and pretending anything before is not their responsibility.

I’m not close with this person any more. I can’t support that!

Let's see how confident you are in your husband's loyalty, your stunning good looks and your Disney love when you've had an argument and he comes home late one night.

Six months is no time at all when making the decision and sorting out the practicalities to leave someone, especially when there are children involved.

Nobody is disputing that, but if it's "No time at all" then it's "No time at all" to wait for the supposed love of your life.

OP still hasn't answered my question.

Right you said ask me anything:

When you were the OW, shagging your OM did your mind ever drift to his unsuspecting wife? Did it get you off knowing that she was at work with no idea that you were fucking her husband?

Well before the 'i work fucking hard to make sure im fit and good looking darling' comment, i thought op was a goady fucker. Now im going to stop feeding the troll.
Bye all

What an awful thread. I’m surprised MN haven’t deleted it.

I think the op has plenty food for thought now.

Someone I know had an affair. They did go on to marry but in all honesty I would struggle to live with myself if I did this. I couldn’t be the person to shatter my kids world.

They are worth more to me than any man or my own happiness ever will be

there's no way I'd have wasted my 20s & beyond on an old man who's past his prime 😂

I find this part alone quite insulting. There is a large age gap between me and my partner and I’m still in my twenty’s and he is in his forties. I don’t feel I have wasted any of my twenty’s at all.

@Graphista - 'on deployment' - you/your ex are armed forces?
Me too - both were in, which made it easier for him to dick around & get away with it...

It's all so cliched isn't it?! Even the 'why I'm unhappy' checklist is the same:

• no sex anymore
• staying for kids' sake
• wife has had affairs too
• wife has mental health problems
• rocky relationship/row constantly
• wife is a spendthrift
• wife does nothing round house
• never felt as deeply/strongly about wife as about affair partner

My OW is going through a really horrible time at the mo - she phones me almost every day; the way she found out was awful.

I take no pleasure in her being upset, I've hated her for a long time because of how awful she was to me - but nobody deserves to be treated like she has.
Also, she truly believed she was 'saving him' from me & that I was the devil incarnate (I'm not!!).

As for OP banging on about 'bitter' ex-wives - that's yet another naive cliche...
But I suppose it gives her comfort & justification to believe that we're all harridans and lets her carry on with the illusion that she's 'different' & special 🤷‍♀️

Wow! This thread has galloped on....
The OP is not longer answering questions ....I wonder why?

Wow, love how you say 'bitter ex-wives.' Don't you think they have the right to be bitter?

I thnk the OP has left the thread....

No this is not an awful thread it's one of the most honest threads I've seen on here for a long time -in fact it should be put in relationships, divorce, lone parenting, Step parenting

If MN delete this my views on the censoring of threads will be confirmed.

This supports a lot of what I have been saying in my own post about the impact of divorce on kids - had the op had any true friends they may have tried to discourage her from this path -whether she would have listened I doubt it - she was blinded by love

I'm not so sure she is a troll - she could easily be my OW by her attitude but not the details! Her comment " darling" etc - her deep self had started to get rattled - maybe she thought people would come on here and congratulate her for how she cares for dsd etc how they all get on well - but she underestimated the strength of feeling of women who have been in this situation!

Easy for the ego to believe what her DH is telling her whilst she congratulates herself on her nice house, bagging a director - how many employees in the company? Her ready made life and family - that wasn't as a result of her own efforts - she just took something of somebody else's - but when you get this many women telling her the honest truth still dealing with the pain many years later, still dealing with the fallout on the kids many years later she would have to be made of stone for these not to filter through - but she's not I think upthread she said they are only human for falling in love as they did!

Well all she has in favour are her looks - something she again knows deep down and no doubt has "used" to their full advantage - and then she puts in this "darling" - as a derogatory emphasis - darling is a beloved term - she would now this if she understands love and this so called connection she has -but she knows - deep down she knows - sorry you do not get away with this - the universe karma will deal with you both!

Further more I expect she uses this term as in her head we are all old hags - of course we are - just like all the other bullshit she has in her head

I doubt she will return - her ego has been rattled -I too thought I read she had two kids?

The ex wife she has been set free -somebody upstairs thought she needed a break - from the info here it appears she is financially ok but who knows the reality - let's hope she has found some "peace"

Op I wouldn't want to be in your shoes -my Ow gloats in her new life - she would probably tell everyone she has a good loving relationship with my Ds - actually I'd like to know if she tells people she treats him the same as her own - now that really would get me going! Let's face it who is going to come on here and say anything else!

What she probably doesn't admit too is my Dd wants nothing to do with her - never has never will - but she too believes I poison Dd's mind! And when the x stupidly tells Dd that they share everything - so the pocket money Dd gets is half oWs - and so my Dd should see this as how much OW "loves" her - I tell Dd to ask him does this come out of Dd's school fees Ow stole!

I cannot be bothered to comment on here anymore -Op you are in for one hell of a fall - I hope you are ready and strong enough to deal with it - you have been given a heads up by coming on here - but how you move on from here will determine how big the fall is- ignore the foments and continue in your lie of a life and every small issue will be exposed! Do some soul searching and "repent your sins" and you may just be lucky enough to save yourself some very deep pain and your kids our own kids from going through hell!

There is a large age gap between me and my partner and I’m still in my twenty’s and he is in his forties. I don’t feel I have wasted any of my twenty’s at all. Yet.

I agree that this thread has given us an insight to the mind of the OW.....One thing you has confirmed for me is the low self esteem issue. By talking about your age , keeping in shape and being half Italian (?!) shows how insecure you are.
A strong relationship survives due to mental compatiability , physical attraction comes and goes.
Another question ;
What do the people in your work place really think of you and Mister Senior Director?
(bet thery have very little respect for you both)